UC-NRLF 


B   M   71T   SOT 


JOHN  BULL 


i 


THE  NEW  MUNCHAUSEN. 


SECOND  EDITION. 


NEW-YORK: 

CHARLES  WILEY,  No.  3  WALL-STREET. 
Hopkins  &  Morris,  Printers. 
.   1825. 


Southern  District  of  New-York,  ss. 

[L.  S.]  BE  IT  REMEMBERED,  That  on  the  first  day  of  February,  A.  D.  1  f!2i 
in  the  forty-ninth  year  of  the  Independence  of  the  United  Slates"  of  America 
Oharles  Wiley,  of  the  said  district,  hath  deposited  in  this  office  the  title  of  a  book, 
the  right  whereof  he  claims  as  proprietor,  in  the  words  following,  to  wit: 

"  John*Bull  in  America ;  or,  the  New  Munchausen." 

In  conformity  to  the  Aet  of  Congress  of  the  United  States,  entitled  "  An  Act  for 
the  encQiiragensent  of  Learning,  by  securing  the  copies  of  Maps,  Charts,  and  Books 
to  the  authors  and  proprietors  of  such  copies,  during  the  time  therein  mentioned  •," 
arid  also  to  an  Act,  entitled  "  An  Act  supplementary  to  an  Act,  entitled  an  Act  for 
the  encouragement  of  Learning,  by  securing  the  copies  of  Maps,  Charts,  and  Books 
to  the  authors  and  proprietors  of  such  copies,  during  the  times  therein  mentioned. 
and  extending  the  benefits  thereof  to  the  arts  of  designing,  engraving,  and  etching 
historical  affd  other  prints; 

JAMES  DILL, 
C7<f?i-  of  the  Stuthern  District  ofNew-Yvrlr 


PREFACE  OF  THE  EDITOR. 


ON  the  fifth  day  of  August,  1824,  a  rather  gen 
teel  looking  stranger  arrived  at  the  Mansion  Ho 
tel  in  the  city  of  Washington,  where  he  inquired 
for  a  retired  room,  and  expressed  his  intention  oi 
staying  some  time.  He  was  dressed  in  a  blue  frock, 
striped  vest,  and  gray  pantaloons ;  was  about  five 
feet  ten,  as  is  supposed,  and  had  a  nose  like  a  po 
tato.  The  evening  of  the  following  day  there  ar 
rived  in  the  stage  from  Baltimore,  a  little  maho 
gany-faced  foreigner,  a  Frenchman,  as  it  would 
seem,  with  gold  rings  in  his  ears,  and  a  pair  of  dimi 
ty  breeches.  The  littro  man  in  dimity  breeches  ex 
pressed  great  pleasure  at  meeting  the  stranger,  with 
whom  he  seemed  to  be  well  acquainted  ;  but  the 
stranger  appeared  much  agitated  at  the  rencontre, 
and  displayed  nothing  like  satisfaction  on  the  oc 
casion.  With  the  evident  intention  of  avoiding 


M668742 


IV 


PREFACE. 


the  little  dark  complexioned  man,  he,  in  a  few 
minutes,  desired  the  waiter  to  show  him  into  his 
room,  to  which  he  retired  without  bidding  the 
other  good  night  This  room,  it  may  be  as  well 
to  observe,  was  on  the  lower  story  of  a  back  build 
ing,  bounded  by  an  alley  in  the  rear,  and  the 
windows  of  which  were  within  two  feet  of  the 
ground, 

It  appears  from  the  testimony  of  the  waiter,  that 
on  going  into  his  chamber,  and  observing  a  port 
manteau,  which  had  been  placed  there  in  his  ab 
sence,  the  stranger  inquired  to  whom  it  belonged. 
The  waiter  replied:  "  to  the  French  gentleman. 
As  you  seemed  to  be  old  acquaintance,  I  thought 
you  might  like  to  be  together,  sir."  This  infor 
mation  seemed  to  cause  great  agitation  in  the  mind 
of  the  stranger,  who  exclaimed,  as  if  unconscious 
of  the  presence  of  the  waiter,  "  I  am  a  lost  man  I" 
which  the  waiter  thought  rather  particular.  The 
stranger,  after  a  few  moments  apparent  perplexity, 
ordered  the  waiter  to  bring  him  pen,  ink,  paper, 
and  sealing-wax,  and  then  desired  to  be  left  alone. 

O  ^ 

It  is  recollected,  that  the  darjc  complexioned  fo 
reigner  retired  about  ten,  requesting  to  be  called 
up  at  four  o'clock,  as  he  was  going  on  in  the  stage 
to  the  south.  This  is  the  last  that  was  seen,  either 
of  the  stranger,  or  the  dark-complexioned  foreign 
er.  On  knocking  at  the  door,  precisely  at  four 
o'clock  the  next  morning,  and  no  answer  being 


PREFACE.  V 

given,  the  waiter  made  bold  to  enter  the  room, 
which  to  his  surprise  he  found  entirely  empty. 
Neither  trunks  nor  stranger,  nor  dark  complex- 
ioned  foreigner,  were  to  be  found.  Had  the  stran 
ger  and  his  friend  previously  run  up  a  long  score 
at  the  Mansion  Hotel,  their  disappearance  would 
not  have  excited  any  extraordfnany  degree  of  sur 
prise.  But  the  stranger  was  indebted  but  for  two 
days  board  and  lodging,  and  the  dark  complex- 
ioned  foreigner  had  paid  his  bill  over  night.  A 
person  who  slept  in  the  next  room,  recollected 
hearing  a  stir  in  that  of  the  stranger,  as  he  thinks,' 
about  three  o'clock,  but  supposing  it  to  be  some 
one  going  off  in  the  mail,  it  excited  no  particular 
observation.  A  very  minute  examination  of  the 
windows  of  the  room,  which  as  has  been  before 
observed  were  low,  and  looked  into  a  back  alley, 
was  had ;  but  there  was  nothing  which  indicated 
any  violence,  or  afforded  any  clue  to  an  explanav 
tion. 

This  is  all  that  could  be  gathered  in  relation  to 
the  mysterious  disappearance  of  these  two  travel 
lers.  But  on  searching  about  the  room,  a  packet 
was  found  carefully  sealed,  and  directed  "  To  the 

Editor  of  the ;"  the  rest  was  wanting,  and  the 

omission  was  probably  occasioned  by  some  circum 
stance  occurring  at  the  instant,  which  led  to  the 
singular  affair  above  detailed.  Some  days  having 
elapsed  witnout  any  thing  occurring  to  throw  light 
A  2 


VI  PREFACE. 

on  the  transaction,  it  was  thought  proper  to  open 
the  packet,  the  direction  of  which  afforded  no  clue 
by  which  to  transmit  it  to  the  persons  intended, 
in  the  hope  that  something  might  be  learned  from 
it,  that  would  lead  to  a  discovery  of  the  names,  or 
the  friends  of  these  mysterious  persons.  On  in 
spection  it  proved  to  be  a  manuscript  of  travels  in 
the  United  States,  of  which  the  following  is  a  faith 
ful  transcript.  Though,  as  the  reader  will  per 
ceive,  it  explains  very  satisfactorily  the  principal 
portion  of  the  preceding  details,  there  was  nothing 
in  it  which  could  lead  directly  to  a  discovery  of 
the  name  and  residence  of  the  unfortunate  gentle 
man,  whose  fate,  although  still  enveloped  in  doubt, 
is  but  too  easily  anticipated.  All  that  appears  cer 
tain  from  the  manuscript,  is  that  the  stranger  was 
an  Englishman,  travelling  to  New-Orleans  on  bu 
siness,  and  that  he  probably  was  in  some  way  mis- 
tcriously  made  away  with  by  the  little  dark  com- 
piexioned  foreigner,  of  whom  a  description  has 
been  given,  and  for  whom  a  reward  has  been  of 
fered  in  the  public  papers  without  effect.  His 
name,  as  given  by  himself,  in  the  examination 
before  the  magistrate  in  New-York  is  probably 
fictitious. 

Aftet  mature  reflection,  it  was  decided  to  pub 
lish  the  manuscript,  as  the  best  and  cheapest  mode 
of  extending  the  inquiry  concerning  the  identity 
of  this  unfortunate  stranger  to  all  parts  of  the  read- 


PREFACE.  Vll 

ing  world,  and  thereby  acquiring  further  informa 
tion.  In  addition  to  this  motive,  it  was  thought 
that  a  work  of  such  extraordinary  merit  as  to  style, 
sentiment,  and  accuracy  of  detail,  deserved  to  be 
made  known.  Much  discussion  took  place  in  re 
spect  to  the  selection  of  a  title  for  the  work,  which 
had  been  omitted  in  the  manuscript.  To  announce 
it  simply  as  a  book  of  travels  in  Ameaica,  would 
have  been  to  place  it  on  a  footing  with  the  various 
romances  which  have  been  published  under  that 
title  within  the  last  thirty  years.  Of  these,  we 
have  lately  had  such  a  profusion  that  the  public  is 
rather  tired,  as  we  are  informed  by  the  booksellers. 
Some  familiar  and  striking  title-page,  no  matter 
whether  applicable  or  not  to  the  character  of  the 
work,  was  therefore  necessary  to  excite  public  at 
tention,  and  it  was  finally  decided  to  adopt  that 
which  appears,  and  which  we  will  now  proceed 
to  explain. 

The  character  of  these  travels  being  that  of  se 
vere  and  inflexible  truth,  a  title  was  chosen  in  di 
rect  antithesis,  partly  in  a  sportive  imitation  of  the 
facetious  philosopher  Lucian,  who  gave  the  name 
of  "  a  true  story"  to  one  of  the  most  improbable 
fictions  of  antiquity  ;  and  partly  in  allusion  to  Dr. 
Jonathan  Swift,  who  in  like  manner  disguised  one 
of  the  gravest  of  satires,  under  the  mask  of  "  A 
Tale  of  a  Tub,"  than  which  nothing  can  be  more 
opposite  to  its  real  character.  Thus,  in  like  man- 


Vlil  PREFACE, 

ner  have  we  availed  ourselves  of  the  catachresis 
on  this  occasion,  not  only  for  the  purpose  of  agree 
ably  surprising  the  reader  into  the  perusal  of  a 
work  of  incomparable  veracity,  under  the  garb  of 
a  work  of  fiction,  but  also  to  administer  to  the  pub 
lic  taste,  which,  owing  to  the  witcheries  of  that 
mischievous  person  called  the  "  Great  Unknown/' 
hath  an  unseemly  propensity  towards  romances 
and  the  like. 

In  this  we  are  justified,  not  only  by  the  forego 
ing  high  authorities,  but  in  an  especial  manner  by 
the  example  of  certain  great  critics,  who  place  at 
the  head  of  their  articles,  by  way  of  title-page, 
the  name  of  a  book  about  which  they  say  not  one 
word  in  the  whole  course  of  their  lucubrations. 
So,  in  like  manner,  may  we  see  certain  well-mean 
ing  and  orthodox  writers,  publishing  what  they 
call  "  candid  examinations,"  and  <e  cool  consider 
ations,"  of  and  concerning  certain  disputed  points, 
which,  to  say  the  truth,  are  neither  candid  nor 
cool,  but  marvellously  the  contrary.  We  men 
tion  not  these  things  in  a  spirit  of  hostility,  but  to 
justify  our  adoption  of  the  figure  of  the  catachre- 
sfs  by  their  examples.  The  reader  will  therefore 
err  exceedingly,  if  he  supposes,  for  a  moment  that 
the  following  work,  whatever  be  its  title,  bears 
the  most  remote  resemblance,  or  is  in  any  wise 
fainted  with  the  egregious  fictions  of  the  genuine 
Munchausen. 


PREFACE.  IX 

Touching  the  real  author  of  this  work,  whom 
we  may  safely  pronounce  a  second  and  still  greater 
"  Great  Unknown/'  we  have  our  suspicions  on 
the  subject,  suspicions  almost  amounting  to  a  cer 
tainty,  which  we  shall  proceed  to  lay  before  the 
reader.  At  first,  for  divers  good  reasons,  we  were 
inclined  to  suppose  the  author  was  no  less  a  person 
than  the  "  Great  Unknown,"  himself,  who,  as  is 
asserted,  resided  in  America  some  time.  But 
however  rich,  redundant,  and  inexhaustible  may 
be  the  invention  of  this  extraordinary  Incognito, 
no  one  we  think  will  deny  to  our  author,  notwith 
standing  his  general  character  of  severe  veracity,  a 
vigour  of  fancy  and  a  vein  of  inventive  sportive- 
ness,  vastly  superior  even  to  the  "  Great  Un 
known."  We  must,  therefore,  discard  this  sug 
gestion,  and  proceed  to  put  the  reader  in  posses 
sion  of  our  settled  conviction  on  this  matter,  which 
as  will  be  seen  amounts  to  next  to  a  certainty. 

To  come  to  the  point  without  further  circum 
locution,  we  have  the  best  reasons,  as  well  as  the 
highest  circumstantial  testimony  to  warrant  us  in 
the  assertion,  that  the  author  of  this  work,  was,  and 
if  living,  is  still,  one  of  the  principal  writers  of  the 
Quarterly  Review — the  very  person  who  wrote 
the  masterly  review  of  Faux's  Travels  in  the  fifty- 
eighth  number.*  To  arrive  at  this  conclusion,  it 

*  The  reader  must  consult  the  English  copy  for  this  article, 
which  was  so  extravagantly  complimentary,  that  even  the  Ame 


X  PREFACE. 

is  only  necessary  to  compare  the  two  works,  in 
the  article  of  style,  temper,  and  feeling,  every 
thing  in  short  which  goes  to  the  indication  of  a  per 
sonal  identity.  The  style  of  this  work  displays 
the  closest  resemblance  to  that  of  the  article  on 
Mr.  Faux's  Travels,  and  indeed  all  the  articles  re 
lating  to  the  United  States,  in  the  Quarterly  Re 
view.  The  same  classical  severity  and  mildness 
of  rebuke,  where  rebuke  is  necessary — the  same 
happy  aptitude  in-  the  selection  of  choice  flowers 
of  rhetoric — the  same  amiable  zeal  for  religion — 
the  same  charity  to  all  men — the  same  principles 
of  universal  benevolence — the  same  gentlemanly 
observance  of  the  slightest  minutiae  of  high- wrought 
and  refined  good  breeding,  runs  through  each  and 
all  of  these  productions.  Nay,  the  same  expres 
sions  and  peculiar  phrases  which  characterize  the 
reviewer,  occur  almost  in  every  page  of  our  au 
thor.  We  have  the  "  turbulent  spirit  of  democra 
cy" — the  "  wanton  violations  of  the  Sabbath" — 
the  "  total  disregard  of  religion" — the  "  spitting, 
gouging,  drinking,  duelling,  dirking,  swearing, 
strutting  republicans" — the  "  white-robed,  levee 
going,  cow-hidins;  fine  lady" — the  "  hog-stealing 
judges" — <e  the  illusions  of  transatlantic  specula 
tion" — "the  flippant  farragoes  of  impiety,  malevo 
lence,  folly,  and  radical  trash" — together  with  an 

rican  bookseller  modestly  omitted  it  in  his  re-publication  of  the 
number, 


PREFACE.  XI 

infinite  variety  of  the  favourite  phrases  of  the 
Quarterly  repeated  over  and  over  again,  with  a 
facility,  which  we  think  can  only  be  accounted  for 
on  the  supposition  that  the  author  and  reviewer 
are  one  and  the  same  person. 

Again,  a  perfect  similarity  of  temper,  as  weH  as 
style  reigns  throughout  both  productions.  The 
same  display  of  candour,  good  nature,  urbanity, 
morality,  piety,  orthodoxy,  and  loyalty — the 
same  inflexible  impartiality  and  love  of  truth — - 
the  same  chivalrous  gallantry  to  the  ladies — the 
same  high-toned  courtesy  to  the  gentlemen  of  this 
republic — and  the  same  intense  horror  of  the  turbu 
lent  spirit  of  democracy,  lives,  breathes,  and  moves 
in  each.  It  were  too  great  a  stretch  of  credulity, 
to  suppose  that  one  kingdom,  one  quarter  of  the 
world,  or  even  the  whole  universe,  could  possibly 
at  one  and  the  same  time,  contain  two  persons  so 
highly  and  so  equally  gifted  with  such  extraordi 
nary  qualifications.  It  would  be  too  much  for  one 
age.  We  read,  indeed,  of  a  young  Mede,  who  as 
sured  Cyrus  that  he  had  two  souls ;  but  the  idea  of 
two  separate  persons  having  one  and  the  same  soul, 
is  altogether  preposterous.  The  author  of  this 
work,  and  the  superintendent  of  American  af 
fairs  in  the  Quarterly  Review,  are  therefore  mani 
festly  one  and  the  same.  This  decision  acquires 
additional  support  from  the  continual  reference 
to,  and  quotations  from,  the  latter  work,  inter- 


Xll  PEEFACE. 

spersed  throughout  the  whole  of  the  former.  It 
is  scarcely  possible  to  believe  that  any  person  but 
the  reviewer  himself,  could  so  accurately  remem 
ber  and  refer  to  the  most  admired  passages.  Our 
author,  indeed,  seems  never  to  have  had  the  Quar 
terly  out  of  mind,  and  this  circumstance,  together 
with  the  fact  of  his  always  carrying  it  about  with 
him,  and  reading  it  on  all  occasions,  is  another  de 
cisive  proof;  since  we  have  occasion  to  know  from 
our  own  experience,  that  an  author  ever  prefers 
his  own  works  to  all  others,  as  certainly  as  a  pa 
rent  does  his  own  children. 

Other  symptoms  of  identity  occur  in  almost 
every  page.  Both  these  productions  are  equally4 
remarkable,  for  that  friendly  disposition  to  the 
people,  the  government,  and  institutions  of  the 
United  States,  which  has  caused  the  Quarterly  to 
be  so  extensively  circulated  in  this  country,  and 
patronized  by  its  most  distinguished  citizens.  It 
would  be  absurd  to  suppose  that  two  persons,  and 
those  persons  foreigners,  should  at  one  and  the 
same  time  be  animated  by  such  disinterested  feel 
ings  of  good  will  towards  the  people  of  this,  or 
any  other  country,  We  notice,  likewise,  several 
other  striking  similarities ;  especially  an  equally 
accurate  knowledge  of  the  geography  and  history 
of  the  United  States.  The  amiable  credulity  of 
our  author,  in  occasionally  suffering  himself  to  be 
imposed  upon  by  the  relations  of  others,  is  also  a 


PREFACE.  Xlll 

characteristic  of  the  reviewer,  who  it  must  be  con 
fessed  sometimes  stretches  his  belief  into  the  re 
gions  of  the  marvellous. — This  credulity  is  joined 
with  a  certain  engaging  simplicity  which  appears, 
in  occasionally  exhibiting  himself  in  a  ridiculous 
light,  without  appearing  to  be  aware  of  it,  and  re 
lating  things  which  a  more  artful  and  wary  person 
would  pass  over  without  notice^  This  we  look 
upon  as  the  strongest  proof  of  his  veracity,  and  a 
guaranty  for  the  truth  of  every  thing  he  advances 
upon  his  own  authority.  In  regard  to  what  is  told 
him  by  others,  we  would  advise  the  reader  to  re 
ceive  it  with  some  grains  of  allowance. 

Having  thus,  as  we  presume  to  imagine,  pretty 
clearly  established  our  position,  that  the  author  of 
the  following  pages,  and  the  writer  of  American 
criticisms  in  the  Quarterly,  is  one  and  the  same 
person,  we  shall  proceed  to  indulge  in  a  few  spe 
culations  as  to  the  precise  individual  to  whom  the 
people  of  the  United  States  have  so  frequently  been 
indebted  for  such  friendly  notices. 

It  cannot  be  the  laureate,  Mr.  Southey, because 
we  are  assured  he  has  lately  taken  rather  a  dislike 
to  republicans,  on  account  of  their  blamable  indif 
ference  to  his  epic  opems.  Having  in  one  of  these 
taken  the  trouble  to  confer  upon  them  a  respecta 
ble  degree  of  dignity  and  antiquity,  by  peopling 
the  country  with  a  colony  of  Welsh,  commanded 
by  a  real  prince  legitimate,  with  an  enormous  long 
B 


XIV  PREFACE. 

pedigree,  it  is  another  proof  of  the  ingratitude  oi 
republics,  that  the  Americans* should  be  so  indif 
ferent  on  the  occasion.  The  Laureate's  dislike  is, 
therefore,  however  much  it  may  be  lamented,  not 
to  be  wondered  at.  But  besides  this,  we  have  oc 
casion  to  know  that  this  unfortunate  gentleman, 
finds  it  such  a  difficult  matter  to  do  justice  to  the 
glories  of  his  present  gracious  sovereign,  that  he 
has  been  high  and  dry  aground  upon  a  birthday 
ode  for  the  last  nine  months,  and  there  is  no  telling 
when  he  will  be  delivered.  It  is  whispered  in  the 
literary  circles,  that  he  has  called  for  another  butt 
of  sack,  to  float  him  off.  Others  say,  that  in  addi 
tion  to  this,  he  is  engaged  upon  a  second  li  Vision 
of  Judgment,"  in  which  his  old  antagonist,  the 
late  Lord  Byron,  is  condemned  to  a  most  unheard 
of  punishment,  to  wit,  that  of  reading  overall  the 
Laureate's  epics,  sapphics,  &c.  not  forgetting  Wat 
Tyler,  twice  a  year,  till  he  becomes  orthodox,  and 
believes  in  the  divine  right  of  kings. 

Neither  do  we  think  it  can  possibly  be  Mr. 
D'Israeli,  it  being  pretty  generally  understood 
that  he  is  entirely  devoted  to  the  ladies,  and  that 
his  specified  duty  is  to  keep  an  eye  upon  Lady 
Morgan,  to  whose  "  flippant  impieties,"  &c.  his 
acknowledged  orthodoxy  is  held  to  be  a  most  sove 
reign  antidote.  We  remember  to  have  read  in  the 
London  Morning  Chronicle,  (a  most  mischievous 
gossipping  paper,}  if  we  mistake  not,  -that  Mr. 


PREFACE.  XV 

D was  the  author  of  a  certain  Review  in  the 

Quarterly,  in  which  like  one  of  Tasso's  or  Arios- 
to's  gallant  knights,  he  tilted  mortally  at  our  Lady 
Errant,  not  with  lance  but  pen,  and  demonstrated 
to  the  satisfaction  of  the  world  that  the  good  old 
Jewish  rite  had  not  in  the  least  impaired  his  man 
hood. 

We  had  at  one  time  settled  it  in  our  minds^  that 
these  productions  came  from  the  pen  of  the  good 
natured  creature  who  has  so  long  presided  over 
the  Quarterly,  whereby  it  hath  become  so  renown 
ed  throughout  all  Christendom,  for  that  refined 
and  high-wrought  courtesy,  which  is  only  to  be 
acquired  in  the  cabin  of  a  Newcastle  collier. — 
These  suspicions  were  strengthened  by  our  being 
credibly  informed  of  a  little  good-tempered  old 
gentleman,  who  was  in  this  country  some  time 
last  spring,  and  was  so  delighted  with  every  thing 
he  saw  that  he  fell  seriously  ill  of  an  ecstatic  trans 
port,  from  which  he  was  finally  recovered  by 
smelling  a  bottle  of  the  pure  essence  of  democracy. 
These  facts  staggered  us  a  little ;  but  positive  in 
formation  has  since  been  received  that  the  good 
man  was  at  that  time  confined  to  his  house,  No. 
fi8  Grub-street,  with  a  dyspepsy,  accompanied  by 
lowness  of  spirits,  occasioned,  as  is  conjectured, 
by  the  late  act  of  parliament  abolishing  lotteries, 
whereby  his  office  of  comptroller  of  lottery-offices 
naturally  falls  to  the  ground.  It  is  surmised  that 


XVI  PREFACE. 

the  orthodox  old  gentleman  hath  it  in  serious 
contemplation  to  abandon  the  Quarterly,  become 
very  wicked,  and  devote  himself  to  democracy  and 
impiety,  unless  they  bolster  up  his  principles  with 
another  sinecure.* 

The  reader  will  doubtless  give  us  due  credit, 
when  we  assure  him  we  have  reduced  it  to  a  pro 
bability,  approaching  very  near  to  certainty,  that 
the  real  author  of  the  productions,  which  have 
been  the  subject  of  this  inquiry,  is  a  gentleman  of 
great  orthodoxy,  generally  known  in  England  by 
the  appellation  of  "  THE  TALKING  POTATO."  We 
have  been  at  some  pains  to  come  at  the  origin  of 
this  whimsical  distinction,  but  upon  the  whole 
have  not  succeeded  exactly  to  our  wishes.  By 
some  it  is  said,  it  arose  from  his  talking  as  if  he 
had  a  hot  potato  in  his  mouth  ;  by  others,  that  it 
came  from  his  having  a  noso  wonderfully  resem 
bling  the  Solarium  Tuberosum,  or  red  potato. 
But  the  most  general  opinion  is,  that  it  originated 
in  his  once  having  had  the  misfortune  to  require 
trepanning,  when  Sir  Astley  Cooper,  the  great 
surgeon,  was  astonished  to  find  the  entire  cavity  of 

•«  *  Previous  to  this  act,  abollishing  lotteries,  Mr.  G.,  it  is  un 
derstood,  held  two  sinecures,  to  wit,  that  of  paymaster  to  tire 
"  Honourable  band  of  Gentlemen  Pensioners,"  and  that  to  which 
we  have  just  alluded.  The  former  was  given  him  to  support  his 
loyalty,  and  the  latter  to  maintain  his  orthodoxy.  It  is  supposed 
—  that  either  his  loyalty  or  religion  will  be  buried  under  the  ruins 
of  the  lottery  offices. 


PREFACE.  XVII 

the  brain  occupied  by  a  thumping  Irish  potato. 
This  fact  was  communicated  to  the  college  of 
physicians,  but  without  mentioning  the  name,  and 
may  be  found  in  one  of  the  volumes  of  their  trans 
actions. 

This  gentleman,  besides  his  holding  "  some 
thing  in  the  nature  of  a  sinecure,"  is  a  member 
of  parliament,  and,  as  we  are  informed,  one  of  the 
genteelest  writers  of  the  Quarterly.  Besides 
all  this,  he  is  considered  the  best  joker  in  the 
House,  with  the  exception  of  Mr.  Canning.  He 
has  not  the  wit  of  Mr.  Canning,  but  then,  as  the 
country  members  are  wont  to  say  in  a  debate  on 
the  causes  of  agricultural  distress,  while  they  are 
splitting  their  sides  with  laughter,  "  he  talks  so 
like  a  potato."  It  is  a  state  secret  with  which  we 
have  chanced  to  become  possessed,  that  the  "talk 
ing  potato,"  did  actually  come  over  here  some 
time  in  the  late  recess  of  Parliament,  for  the  sole 
purpose  of  coming  at  the  real  causes  of  various 
naval  phenomena  which  occurred  during  the  late 
war  between  England  and  the  United  States,  a 
subject  which  had  excited  great  curiosity  among 
my  lords  of  the  admiralty.  We  understand  he 
ascertained  pretty  clearly,  that  the  whole  secret 
lay  in  the  trifling  circumstances,  of  a  superiority  of 
ships,  officers,  seamen,  and  gunnery.  This  dis 
covery  put  him  in  such  a  good  humour,  that  he  was 
wrought  upon  to  compliment  the  people  and  coun- 


XV111  PREFACE. 

try  in  the  polite  manner  exemplified  in  the  follow 
ing  pages.  It  is  surmised,  that  the  result  of  his  mis 
sion,  in  relation  to  naval  matters,  will  appear  in  the 
next  edition  of  Mr.  Rober  James's  Apology  for  the 
English  Navy.  With  respect  to  his  object  in  go 
ing  to  New-Orleans,  we  have  some  suspicion  that 
it  might  have  been  a  part  of  his  mission  to  account 
for  the  wonderful  disparity  of  loss  in  the  great 
battle  between  the  British  and  the  stout  hero  of 
New-Orleans. 

The  foregoing  contains  all  the  particulars  we 
have  been  able  to  obtain  in  elucidation  of  the  fol 
lowing  work.  We  cannot,  however,  refrain  from 
expressing  our  earnest  hopes,  that  the  doubts  of  his 
friends,  and  the  fears  ot  his  country,  in  regard  to 
the  fate  of  this  unfortunate  gentleman,  may  be 
speedily  removed  by  his  reappearing  and  claiming 
this  work,  to  the  credit  and  profits  of  which  he  is 
entirely  welcome.  Should  the  contrary  be  the  case, 
we  beg  permission  to  offer  our  sincere  condole- 
ments  to  my  lords  of  the  admiralty,  and  to  the 
country  members,  on  the  loss  of  their  favourite 
jester  ;  to  the  Quarterly  Review,  on  the  loss  of  its 
most  classical  writer ;  and  to  the  nation  at  large  on 
the  loss  of  so  useful  a  person  as  "  The  Talking 
Potato." 

Washington,  IQth  October,  1824. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA: 


OR   THE 


NEW  MUNCHAUSEN. 


CHAP.   I. 

Impressions  of  the  author  previous  to  his  arrival  in  America- 
Embarks  from  Liverpool  —  Voyage  —  Sea-serpent  —  Arrives  at 
Boston,  the  capital  of  the  state  of  Kennebunk  —  Account  of  the 
city  —  Manners  of  the  people  —  Mansion-house  hotel,  kept  by 
William  Renshaw,  an  Englishman  —  Turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy  —  Negroes  —  Earthquakes  —  Inundations  —  Intemperance 
—  Ignorance  —  Impudence  —  Barbarity  —  Athenaeum—  Litera 
ture  —  Naval  Officer  —  Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  —  Quarter 
ly  Review,  &c.  —  Leave  Boston. 

PREVIOUS  to  my  departure  for  the  western 
Paradise  of  Liberty,  my  impressions  with  regard 
to  the  country  were,  upon  the  whole,  rather  of  a 
favourable  character.  It  is  true,  I  did  not  believe 
a  word  of  the  inflated  accounts  given  by  certain 
French  revolutionary  travellers,  such  as  Brissot, 
Ghastellux,  and  others  ;  much  less  in  those  of  Birk- 
beckj  Miss  Wright,  Captain  Hall,  and  the  rest  of 
1 


2  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

•  -~   0 

the  radical  fry.  I  was  too  conversant  with  the 
Quarterly  Review,  to  be  led  astray  by  these  Uto- 
'pian  romancers,  and  felt  pretty  well  satisfied  that 
the  institutions  of  the  country  were  altogether 
barbarous.  I  also  fully  believed  that  the  people 
j  were  a  bundling,  gouging,  drinking,  spitting,  im- 
I  pious  race,  without  either  morals,  literature,  reli 
gion,  or  refinement ;  and  that  the  turbulent  spirit 
of  democracy  was  altogether  incompatible  with  any 
state  of  society  becoming  a  civilized  nation.  Being 
thus  convinced  that  their  situation  was,  for  the 
present,  deplorable,  and  in  the  future  entirely 
hopeless,  unless  they  presently  relieved  themselves 
from  the  cumbrous  load  of  liberty  under  which 
they  groaned,  I  fell  into  a  sort  of  compassion  for 
them,  such  as  we  fedl  for  condemned  criminals, 
having  no  hope  of  respite,  and  no  claim  to  benefit 
of  clergy. 

Under  this  impression,  and  with  a  determination 
to  look  to  the  favourable  side  of  the  subject  on  all 
occasions ;  to  be  pleased  with  every  thing  I  saw, 
and  to  make  a  reasonable  allowance  for  the  faults 
originating  in  their  unhappy  situation,  I  left  Eng 
land.  I  can  safely  lay  my  hand  on  my  heart,  and 
declare  to  the  world,  that  I  was,  and  still  am,  as 
free  from  prejudice  against  any  nation  whatever, 
as  any  English  traveller  who  has  ever  visited  this 
country. 

Being  fully  aware  of  the  superiority  of  British 
ships  and  British  sailors,  I  declined  the  advice  of 
certain  merchants  at  Liverpool,  to  embark  in  one 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

of  the  line  of  American  packets,  and  took  passage 
on  board  the  British  brig  Wellington,  for  Boston, 
as  my  business  was  principally  in  New-Orleans, 
and  I  wished  to  arrive  at  the  nearest  port.  I  did 
not  like  to  go  directly  for  New-Orleans,  being  ap 
prehensive  of  the  yellow-fever,  which  rages  there 
all  the  year  round,  with  such  virulence  that  the 
people  all  die  off  there  regularly  once  in  two  years. 
Our  passage  was  long  and  tedious,  so  much  so  that 
the  packet  in  which  I  was  advised  to  sail  from  Liv 
erpool,  arrived  at  Boston  four  weeks  before  the 
Wellington.  But  this  I  am  assured  was  owing 
more  to  good  fortune  than  to  any  superiority  either 
in  the  ship  or  sailors,  over  those  of  the  mistress  of 
the  seas.  I  passed  my  time  both  pleasantly  and 
profitably  in  reading  the  Quarterly. 

On  the  seventieth  day  from  losing  sight  of  Old 
England,  we  made  land  at  Cape  Hatteras,  which 
forms  the  eastern  point  of  Boston  Bay,  which  we 
entered  just  before  sun-set ;  and  being  favoured 
with  a  fine  fair  wind  from  the  north,  came  up  to 
the  wharf  in  .about  two  hours  from  entering  the 
Capes.  Coming  up,  we  saw  the  famous  sea-ser 
pent  ;  but  he  was  nothing  to  those  I  had  frequently 
seen  in  the  Serpentine,  so  called  from  its  abound 
ing  in  these  articles.  Being  very  anxious  to  go  on 
shore,  I  desired  one  of  the  sailors  to  call  a  hack, 
which  very  soon  arriving,  I  ordered  the  fellow  to 
drive  me  to  the  best  hotel  in  the  place  :  according 
ly  he  put  me  down  at  the  mansion-house  hotel, 
kept  by  William  Renshaw,  a  place  of  great  repu- 


JOHN   BULL    IN   AMERICA, 

tation  throughout  the  United  States.  The  fellow 
charged  me  a  quarter  of  a  dollar,  which  is  twice  as 
much  as  I  should  have  paid  in  London !  Being 
determined  not  to  be  imposed  upon,  I  appealed  to 
the  landlord,  who  assured  me  it  was  all  right ;  so 
I  paid  him,  after  giving  himself  and  his  horses  a 
hearty  malediction. 

The  landlord,  civilly  enough,  considering  the 
country  I  was  in,  desired  to  know  if  I  wished  to 
have  a  room  for  the  night.  I  answered  him  in  the 
affirmative,  and  begged,  as  a  particular  favour,  that 
he  would  put  me  into  one  with  not  more  than  six 
beds  in  it.  He  seemed  a  little  surprised,  but  as 
sured  me  my  wishes  should  be  gratified.  I  was 
accordingly  shown  into  a  neat  room  enough,  with 
a  single  bed.  Ay,  ay,  thought  I,  this  landlord 
knows  how  to  distinguish  his  guests; — but  my 
wonder  subsided  when  the  waiter,  who  I  was  sur 
prised  to  find  was  a  white  man,  told  me  his  master 
was  an  Englishman. 

Soon  after  I  was  called  down  to  supper,  where  I 
found  twenty  or  thirty  persons,  all  perfect  stran 
gers  to  me,  and  who,  seeing  I  was  a  stranger  I 
suppose,  paid  me  those  little  civilities,  which,  to 
one  who  knows  the  world,  are  always  sufficient  to 
put  him  on  his  guard.  Accordingly  I  declined 
them  all,  and  answered  the  questions  put  to  me 
rather  short,  insomuch  that  a  person,  who  I  took 
to  be  a  naval  officer,  seemed  inclined  to  quarrel 
with  me.  Nothing  indeed  can  be  more  disgusting 
to  a  stranger  than  these  civilities,  from  people  one 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  5 

does  not  know  ;  and  nothing  gave  me  a  more  un 
favourable  impression  of  the  rude  manners  of  these 
republicans,  than  the  freedom  with  which  they 
chatted  about  their  private  affairs,  and  joked  each 
other  before  me,  a  perfect  stranger.  It  displayed 
a  want  of— tact — a  familiarity  so  different  from  the 
conduct  of  people  in  similar  circumstances  in  Lon 
don,  that  I  retired  to  my  room  in  disgust.  I  after 
wards  learned  that  the  naval  officer  threatened  to 
"  lick"  me,  as  he  called  it,  for  my  surly  ill  man 
ners,  as  he  was  pleased  to  denominate  my  gentle 
manly  reserve. 

I  retired  to  rest,  and  found  my  bed  tolerable 
enough ;  but  the  American  goose  feathers  are  by 
no  means  as  soft  as  those  of  London.  In  the  morn 
ing  I  went  down  to  breakfast,  determined  to  keep 
these  forward  gentry  at  a  distance.  But  it  did  not 
appear  to  be  necessary,  as  none  of  these  rude  boors 
took  the  least  notice  of  me,  and  if  I  wanted  any 
thing,  I  was  obliged  to  call  the  waiter  to  bring  it 
to  me,  for  no  one  offered  to  hand  it  about  the  table. 
I  was  exceedingly  disgusted  at  this  Gothic  want 
of  politeness,  which,  however,  was  nothing  strange, 
considering  the  vulgar  habits  of  equality  which 
prevail  in  this  republic  ;  so  I  called  for  a  coach, 
with  an  air  of  importance,  and  rode  round  the  city, 
with  a  view  of  seeing  into  the  character  and  habits 
of  the  people. 

The  first  thing  that  struck  me,  was  the  vast  dis 
proportion  of  negroes,  in  the  streets  and  every 
where  else.  I  may  affirm,  with  perfect  veracity, 


6  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

that  nearly  one  half  the  inhabitants  of  Boston  are 
black.  Each  of  these  poor  creatures  has  a  white 
man  always  standing  over  him,  with  a  large  club 
about  the  thickness  of  a  man's  arm,  with  which  he 
beats  the  poor  slave  for  his  amusement.  I  assure 
you  I  have  seen,  I  may  say,  a  thousand  instances 
of  this  kind  of  a  morning.  There  is  hardly  a  slave 
here  that  has  not  his  head  covered  with  scars,  and 
bound  up  with  a  handkerchief ;  and  almost  every 
step  you  take,  you  perceive  the  stains  of  blood 
upon  the  pavement,  which,  I  am  assured  by  Go 
vernor  Hancock  himself,  is  that  of  the  negroes.  I 
have  seen  a  lady  of  the  first  distinction  here,  walk 
ing  the  Mall,  as  it  is  called,  with  a  stout  black- 
fellow  behind  her,  and  occasionally  amusing  her 
self  with  turning  round  and  scratching  his  face  till 
it  was  covered  with  blood.  This  Mall  is  a  place 
of  about  half  an  acre,  covered  with  dust,  with  a 
few  rotten  elms,  and  a  puddle  in  the  centre.  Even 
the  little  children  here  are  initiated  into  human 
blood  almost  as  soon  as  they  are  able  to  walk ;  and 
the  common  amusement  of  young  persons  is  to 
stick  pins  in  their  black  attendants,  while  every 
boy  has  a  little  negro,  of  about  his  own  age,  to 
torture  for  his  pastime. 

The  blacks  here,  as  I  was  assured  by  his  excel 
lency  the  Governor,  whose  name  is  Hancock,  have 
but  one  meal  a  day,  which  is  principally  potatoes, 
and  fare  little  better  than  the  miserable  Irish  or 
English  peasantry  at  home.  The  Governor  told 
me  a  story  of  a  man,  who  tied  his  black  servant 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  7 

naked  to  a  stake,  in  one  of  the  neighbouring  cane- 
brakes,  near  the  city,  which  abound  with  a  race  of 
moschetoes  that  bite  through  a  boot.  Here  he 
was  left  one-  night,  in  the  month  of  December, 
which  is  a  spring  month  in  this  climate,  and  the 
next  morning  was  found  stone  dead,  without  a  drop 
ef  blood  in  his  body.  I  asked  if  this  brutal  ty 
rant  was  not  brought  to  justice?  The  Governor 
shrugged  up  his  shoulders  and  replied,  that  he  was 
now  a  member  of  congress  ! 

To  an  Englishman,  who  is  only  accustomed  to 
see  white  men  in  a  state  of  slavery  and  want,  it  is 
shocking  to  see  black  ones  in  a  similar  situation. 
My  heart  bled  with  sympathy  for  the  wrongs  of 
this  injured  race,  and  I  could  not  sufficiently  ad 
mire  the  philanthropy  of  the  members  of  the  Holy 
Alliance,  who  have  lately  displayed  such  a  laudable 
compassion  for  the  blacks. 

Next  to  the  continual  recurrence  of  these  dis 
gusting  exhibitions  of  cruelty,  the  most  common 
objects  seen  in  the  streets  of  Boston,  are  drunken 
men,  women,  and  children.  I  was  assured  by  the 
Mayor,  Mr.  Pnillips,  one  of  the  most  charitable 
and  philanthropic  men  in  the  State  of  Maine,  that 
on  an  average,  every  third  person  was  drunk  every 
day,  by  nine  o'clock  in  the  morning.  The  women 
however,  don't  get  fuddled,  he  tells  me,  till  after 
they  have  cleared  the  breakfast  table,  and  put  the 
room  to  rights,  when  they  set  to  and  make  merry 
with  the  young  children,  not  one  in  a  hundred  of 
whom  ever  see  the  inside  of  a  school,  or  a  church. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

The  consequences  of  this  mode  of  life  are,  that  the 
whole  of  the  people  exhibit  a  ruddy  complexion, 
and  what  appears  at  first  sight  to  be  a  strong  mus 
cular  figure ;  but  on  a  closer  examination  the  roses 
will  be  found  to  be  nothing  more  than  what  is  call 
ed  grog-blossoms,  and  the  muscular  appearance 
only  bloated  intemperance. 

Ignorance  is  the  natural  result  of  a  want  of  know 
ledge,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  Consequently,  where 
children  never  go  to  school,  it  is  not  probable  that 
learning  will  flourish.  Accordingly,  nothing  can 
equal  the  barbarous  ignorance  of  both  the  children 
and  grown  up  persons  in  this  republican  city.  I 
happened  to  be  at  the  house  of  a  judge  of  one  of 
the  courts,  and  was  astonished  to  find,  on  my  giv 
ing  his  son ,  a  boy  of  about  twelve  years  old ,  a  book 
to  read,  that  he  could  not  comprehend  a  single 
word  !  The  poor  mother,  who  was,  I  suppose,  a 
little  mortified  on  account  of  my  being  a  stranger, 
(they  don't  mind  these  things  among  themselves,) 
patted  the  booby  on  the  back,  and  assured. me  the 
poor  boy  was  so  bashful'!  Most  of  the  justices  of 
the  peace  here,  ma'ke  their  mark,  instead  of  sign 
ing  their  names  to  warrants,  &c.  and  what  is  diffi 
cult  to  believe,  many  of  the  clerks  in  the  banks 
can't  write  their  names.  I  never  saw  a  school 
while  in  Boston.  There  is  a  college,  to  be  sure, 
but  I  was  assured  the  professors  did  not  quite  un 
derstand  English.  The  Rev.  Cotton  Mather,  one  of 
the  most  enlightened  and  popular  preachers  here, 
has  written  a  book  called  the  Magnalia,  in  which 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

he  gives  a  variety  of  witch  stories,  such  as  would 
be  laughed  at,  even  among  the  Indians,  but  which 
they  all  believe  here,  as  if  it  were  Holy  Writ. 
The  work  is  just  come  out,  and  affords  apt  illus 
tration  of  the  state  of  the  human  intellect  on  this 
side  of  the  Atlantic. 

Religion  is,  if  possible,  in  a  worse  state  than  lit 
erature,  manners,  or  morals.  There  is  not  a  sin 
gle  church  in  Boston,  nor  any  religious  exercises 
on  Sunday,  except  in  a  few  school  rooms,  by  the 
methodists  and  other  fanatics.  I  am  assured  it  is 
the  custom  all  over  New-England,  as  well  as  in 
the  states  of  Newburyport  and  Pasquotank,  to 
spend  the  Sabbath  like  every  other  day  in  the  week, 
except  that  they  put  on  clean  clothes,  a  thing  ne 
ver  thought  of,  even  among  the  most  fashionable 
ladies,  except  on  that  occasion. 

Boston  is  a  terrible  place  for  fever  and  agues. 
Every  one  of  the  inhabitants,  except  the  slaves,  is 
afflicted  with  them  in  the  spring  and  autumn,  as 
sure  as  the  leaves  appear  in  the  former,  and  fall 
in  the  latter.  The  consequence  is,  that  they  look 
like  so  many  ghosts,  without  flesh  or  blood,  and  if 
you  go  into  the  shops,  you  may  hear  the  money 
jingling  in  the  pockets  of  the  shop-keepers,  by  the 
mere  force  of  habit,  even  if  the  poor  man  should 
happen,  at  that  moment,  to  be  free  from  the  ague ; 
or  {( shake,"  as  they  call  it. 

Besides  this,  they  have  earthquakes  and  inunda 
tions,  three  times  a  week,  if  not  more.  After  the 
earthquake  generally  comes  an  inundation,  which 


10  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

destroys  all  the  crops  for  hundreds  of  miles  round, 
and  covers  the  country,  so  that  the  tops  of  trees 
and  chimneys  just  appear  above  the  water.  This 
is  succeeded  by  a  fog  so  thick,  that  many  persons 
are  lost  in  the  streets  of  Boston,  and  wander  about 
several  days,  without  being  able  to  find  any  of 
the  houses.  This  is  the  origin  of  the  phrase  "I 
guess,"  so  universal  in  New-England ;  for  these 
fogs  are  so  common,  that  one  half  the  time  peo 
ple  are  obliged  to  "  guess"  at  what  they  are  about. 
Hence,  too,  the  half  pint  of  whiskey  which  eve 
ry  man  takes  in  the  morning  the  first  thing  he 
does  after  getting  up,  is  called  an  anti-fogmatic. 

These  are  the  principle  things  I  observed  in  my 
morning's  ride.  At  dinner  the  naval  officer  took 
occasion  to  make  himself  most  indecently  merry, 
with  certain  sarcasms  on  the  stupid,  surly,  self-im 
portance,  which  some  people  attempted  to  pass  oft' 
for  real  dignity  and  high  breeding.  The  rudeness 
of  republicanism,  indeed,  is  obvious  to  the  most 
superficial  observer  from  the  first  moment  a  man 
sets  foot  in  this  country  of  beastly  equality.  After 
dinner  a  person  who  had  been  troubling  me  with 
his  attentions,  since  my  arrival,  offered  to  carry 
me  to  the  Athenaeum,  a  great  literary  institution, 
where  they  read  newspapers,  and  talk  politics, 
which  they  mistake  for  literature.  I  must  not  for 
get  to  observe,  that  nothing  can  be  worse  than  the 
taste  of  these  people,  which  is  perfectly  barbarous, 
except  their  genius,  which  is  perfectly  barren. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  11 

Nothing  is  read  here  but  newspapers,  almanacs, 
dying-speeches,  ghost-stories,  and  the  like.  Their 
greatest  scholar  is  Noah  Webster,  who  compiled  a 
spelling-book,  and  their  greatest  poet  the  author 
of  Yankee  doodle.  The  utmost  effort  of  republi 
can  genius  is  to  write  an  additional  stanza  to  this 
famous  song,  which,  in  consequence  of  these  per 
petual  contributions,  is  by  this  time,  almost  as 
long  as  a  certain  Persian  poem,  which,  if  I  recol 
lect  right,  consisted  of  one  hundred  and  twenty 
thousand  verses. 

I  brought  letters  to  some  of  the  principal  magni- 
ficoes  here,  but  did  not  deliver  them.  I  like  the 
dinners  and  old  wine  of  these  vulgarians  ;  but  real 
ly  it  is  paying  too  much  for  them  to  be  obliged  to 
listen  to  their  vulgar  hemp,  cotton,  tobacco,  and 
nankeen  speculations,  without  being  allowed  the 
privilege  of  laughing,  or  even  yawning  in  their 
stupid  faces.  Then  one  is  obliged  to  drink  wine 
with  madam,  be  civil  to  her  dowdy  daughters,  who 
"  guess  they  have  no  occasion  for  dancing" — and 
what  is  the  climax  of  horrors,  retire  from  the  din 
ner-table  to  the  drawing-room,  to  hear  miss  break 
the  sixth  commandment  in  the  matter  of  half  a  do 
zen  sonatas,  and  two  dozen  of  Moore's  Melodies. 

By  the  time  I  had  sojourned  a  single  day  in  the 
land  of  promise,  I  began  to  be  mortally  ennuye.  I 
inquired  of  the  waiter  if  there  was  any  thing  in  the 
fancy  way  going  on.  He  replied  there  were  plen 
ty  of  fancy  stores  in  Court-street ! — I  asked  if  there 
was  likely  to  be  a  mob  soon,  as  I  had  heard  these 


12  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

republicans  amused  themselves  in  that  way.  He 
replited,  that  mobs  never  happened  in  Boston. 
Any  executions?  No — "  My  G — d,"  exclaimed 
I  in  despair,  "  what  a  dull  place!"  I  devoted  the 
evening  to  packing  up,  and  after  supper,  being  de 
sirous  to  make  an  impression  on  these  bumpkin 
demos,  called  out  loudly  to  the  waiter,  in  my  best 
Corinthian  tone — "  Waiter ! — you  infernal  wai 
ter!"  "  Here,  sir."  "  Waiter,  bring  a  boot-jack 
and  pair  of  slippers."  "  Waiter — you  infernal 
waiter,"  replied  a  voice  which  I  took  for  an  echo, 
"  Here,  sir,"  said  the  waiter.  «•  Waiter,  bring 
me  two  boot-jacks,  and  two  pair  of  slippers."  On 
looking  round  I  perceived  the  echo  was  my  old 
enemy,  the  naval  officer.  Being  determined,  how 
ever,  to  take  no  notice  of  such  a  low  fellow,  I  again 
called  out — "  Waiter,  bring  a  candle  into  my 
chamber,  and  a  warming  pan  to  warm  my  bed." — 
*'  Waiter,  bring  two  candles,  and  two  warming- 
pans,  into  my  chamber.  I  shall  sleep  in  two  beds 
to  night,"  cried  echo.  I  gave  him  a  look  of  with 
ering  contempt  and  walked  out  of  the  room,  leav 
ing  behind  me  a  horse  laugh,  which,  as  I  judged, 
proceeded  from  these  illiterate  cyclops.  Before  I 
went  to  bed  I  looked  over  the  fifty-eighth  number 
of  the  Quarterly  to  refresh  my  memory. 


13 


CHAP.  II. 

Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy — Leave  Boston  for  Charleston,  jN. 
C. — Great  ship) — Captain  Hull — Eating  negroes— Cruelty — 
Judge  D. — Yankee  dinner — Mode  of  eating — Terrapins,  cant 
word  for  young  negroes — System  of  farming— Yale  college — • 
Ignorance  of  the  professor — Hoax — Turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy — Turkey  Buzzards,  called  eagles  here — Fogs — Drunken 
driver — Mail  robbers — Wild  beasts — Little  Frenchman — Tur 
bulent  spirit  of  democracy — Yankee  breakfast — Judge,  colo 
nel,  deacon,  driver — Spirit  of  democracy — Shooting  at  a  mark 
—Unlucky  mistake — Spirit  of  democracy — Catastrophe  of 
Ramsbottom,  fcc. 

BEING  determined  to  hold  as  little  communica 
tion  as  possible  with  the  turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy,  the  next  day,  without  asking  any  questions, 
I  took  the  stage,  crossed  a  bridge  to  the  north  of 
Boston,  which  bestrides  the  Potomac  river,  and  in 
less  than  half  an  hour  arrived  in  Charleston,  the 
capital  of  the  state  of  North  Carolina,  a  city  famous 
for  eating  negroes.  It  is  about  three  miles  from 
Boston.  There  is  a  navy-yard  at  this  place  which 
I  visited,  and  saw  a  ship  building  there  which  is 
four  hundred  and  twenty  yards  long,  and  as  Capt 
Hull,  the  commandant,  assured  mo,  would  carry 
2 


14  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

three  hundred  long  forty-two  pounders.  She  is 
called  a  seventy-four  !  The  captain,  who  is  a  tall 
rough-looking  man,  with  black  eyes  and  immense 
whiskers,  told  me,  in  confidence,  that  the  only  way 
he  could  persuade  the  Yankee  sailors  to  stand  to 
their  guns  in  his  engagement  with  the  gallant  Da- 
cres,  was  by  promising  them,  in  case  of  victory,  to 
roast  the  fat  black  cook  of  the  Constellation,  as  his 
ship  was  called,  for  supper.  Nothing  will  make 
these  cannibal  republicans  fight  like  a  temptation 
of  this  sort. 

Charleston  is  about  the  size  of  Boston,  but  has 
neither  pavements  nor  sidewalks,  and  alternates  be 
tween  mud  and  dust,  and  dust  and  mud.  In  sum 
mer  it  is  all  dust,  in  winter  all  mud.  Indeed  I 
began  to  perceive,  the  moment  I  arrived  here,  that 
I  had  got  amongst  a  different  sort  of  people  from 
those  of  Boston.  There  was  no  one  to  be  seen  in 
the  streets  but  negroes  stark  naked  as  they  were 
born,  with  their  backs  striped  like  a  leopard,  in 
consequence  of  the  frequent  application  of  the  lash. 
In  fact,  the  principal  article  for  sale  here  at  the 
retail  shops,  is  the  cow-hide,  as  it  is  called,  that  is, 
a  hard  ox-skin,  twisted  in  the  shape  of  a  whip. 
Almost  every  man  you  see  has  one  of  these  in  his 
hand,  and  a  spur  at  his  heel,  to  make  people  be 
lieve  he  carries  the  whip  for  his  horse.  But  I  was 
assured  by  the  head  waiter  at  the  city  hotel,  kept 
by  Mr.  Chester  Jennings,  in  Charleston,  that  it  was 
for  the  purpose  of  beating  the  slaves.  Nothing  in 
deed  will  tempt  the  whites  to  exert  themselves  in 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  15 

this  enervating  climate,  but  the  luxury  "  of  licking 
a  fellow,"  as  they  call  it,  and  almost  the  first  thing 
I  noticed  in  coming  into  the  city,  was  a  tall,  lank, 
cadaverous  figure,  strutting  up  and  down,  cutting 
and  hacking  with  his  cow-hide  at  every  negro  man, 
woman,  and  child,  that  came  in  his  way.  I  in 
quired  of  the  driver  what  these  blacks  had  been 
guilty  of.  "  Guilty,"  replied  he,  "  guilty— eh  ! 

— O,  lord  bless  you  sir,  it's  only  Judge  D 

amusing  himself  with  the  niggers."  It  made  my 
heart  bleed  to  see  the  blood  running  down  their 
backs.  It  was  almost  as  bad  as  shooting  the  Irish 
peasants  for  being  out  after  nine  o'clock. 

I  had  scarcely  been  at  my  hotel  an  hour  when 
this  same  Judge  D called  upon  me,  as  a  stran 
ger,  and  invited  me  to  dinner  the  next  day.  My 
blood  rose  up  against  the  brute,  but  as  I  wished 
to  see  whether  some  of  the  stories  told  about  these 
people,  and  which  they  deny,  were  true,  I  accept 
ed  his  invitation.  The  party  consisted  of  Judge 

D ,  his  wife,  two  daughters,  and  about  a  dozen 

of  the  principal  men  of  the  place,  among  whom 
was  the  governor  of  South-Carolina,  Mr.  Heister. 
Behind  each  of  the  seats,  as  well  the  judge's  as 
those  of  his  lady  and  daughters,  stood  a  black  boy 
or  girl,  as  it  happened,  perfectly  naked,  and  each 
of  the  guests  were  provided  with  a  cow-hide,  with 
which  to  chastise  any  neglect  of  duty  on  the  part 
of  the  slaves.  There  was  cut  and  come  again.  The 
judge  and  his  guests  cut  their  meat  and  cut  the  ne 
groes  ad  interim,  and  I  particularly  noticed  the 


16  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

dexterity  of  the  young  ladies  in  touching  the  ten 
der  places  with  the  cow-hide,  as  well  as  their  infi 
nite  delight  in  seeing  them  wince  under  the  appli 
cation.  One  of  these  poor  wretches  having  the 
misfortune  to  break  a  plate  during  dinner,  was 
taken  out,  put  under  the  window  by  the  overseer, 
and  beat  so  cruelly  that  her  moans  were  heard 
over  half  the  city.  When  she  came  in  again  the 
tears  were  rolling  down  her  cheeks,  and  the  blood 
trickling  down  her  naked  back.  The  indifference 
with  which  every  one  of  the  company  but  myself 
beheld  all  this,  convinced  me  that  it  was  the  cus 
tom  of  the  country. 

The  dinner  was,  in  the  main,  good  enough. 
That  is  to  say,  there  was  a  plenty  of  things  natu 
rally  good,  but  what  was  very  remarkable,  it  was 
brought  up  in  wooden  dishes,  out  of  which  they  all 
helped  themselves  with  their  fingers,  knives  and 
forks  not  being  in  use  in  America,  except  among 
a  few  English  people.  There  was  a  very  suspi 
cious  dish  on  the  table,  which  they  called  terrapin 
soup,  in  which  I  observed  what  had  exactly  the 
appearance  of  the  fingers  and  toes  of  little  negroes. 
I  afterwards  learned  that  this  was  actually  the  case, 
and  that  terrapin  is  the  cant  name  for  black  chil 
dren,  as  papoose  is  for.those  of  the  Indians.  Dur 
ing  the  dessert,  an  unlucky  slave  happened  to  let 
fall  a  knife  to  which  he  was  helping  his  mistress, 
who  snatched  it  up  in  a  great  passion  and  gave 
him  a  deep  gash  in  the  face.  I  dropt  my  knife  and 
fork  in  astonishment,  but  nobody  else  seemed  to 
notice  this  horrible  incident. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  17 

The  next  morning  I  strolled  out  into  the  fields 
with  a  view  of  seeing  the  system  of  rural  econo 
my  practised  in  the  south.  One  of  the  best  man 
aged  plantations,  I  was  told,  was  that  of  his  ex 
cellency  Governor  Hancock,  whose  name  is  signed 
to  the  declaration  of  independence,  said  to  be  writ 
ten  by  one  Jefferson,  a  player  belonging  to  the 
Philadelphia  theatre.  The  governor  is  a  brisk, 
troublesome  little  man,  about  forty.  His  planta 
tion  is  at  a  place  called  Merrimack,  on  the  river 
of  that  name.  I  saw  plenty  of  slaves,  and  a  scar 
city  of  every  thing  else.  The  principal  products 
are  rice,  cotton,  and  tobacco.  The  rice  grows 
generally  upon  the  high  grounds ;  but  the  cotton 
requires  to  be  covered  with  water  occasionally. 
The  best  is  called  Sea. Island,  because  it  grows  up 
on  little  islands  in  the  mill  ponds,  which  the  peo 
ple  here,  according  to  their  universal  practice  of 
hyperbole,  call  seas.  As  for  the  tobacco,  this  filthy 
and  unwholesome  weed  is  found  to  flourish  best  in 
the  negro  grave-yards,  where  it  is  commonly  rais 
ed,  and  where  you  may  every  day  during  the 
month  of  (January,  when  it  is  ripe,  see  the  chil 
dren  of  the  slaves  gathering  it  from  the  very  graves 
of  their  parents.  This  tobacco  is  used  as  food  by 
men,  women,  and  children,  who  eat  it  as  we  do 
sallad.  ,1?Here  I  saw  the  poor  negroes  working 
bare-headed,  and  I  might  say  bare-backed,  in  the 
broiling  sun,  which  sometimes  actually  sets  fire  to 
their  woolly  heads,  of  which  I  saw  several  exam 
ples  in  the  course  of  my  travels.  Two  or  three 
2* 


18  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

heads  were  already  beginning  to  smoke,  and  I  was 
told  if  I  staid  half  an  hour  longer,  I  might  see 
them  in  a  blaze.  However,  having  seen  enough 
to  convince  me  that  the  system  of  farming  here 
was  execrable,  and  finding  it  getting  rather  cold, 
I  returned  home  by  another  route,  which  gave  me 
an  opportunity  of  seeing  Yale  college.  /  ? 

In  reconnoitering  about,  I  fell  in  with  one  of 
the  professors,  to  whom,  willing  to  see  whether 
the  poor  man  understood  Latin,  I  paid  my  com 
pliments  in  forma  pauperis.  The  professor,  after 
staring  at  me  with  a  most  ludicrous  expression  of 
ignorant  wonder,  asked  me  whence  I  came,  and 
upon  my  answering  "  last  from  Charleston,  South- 
Carolina,"  shrugged  up  his  shoulders  and  replied, 
"  it  was  really  so  far  off,  that  he  could  not  under 
take  to  direct  me,"  although  the  steeples  were  full 
in  sight !  From  this  we  may  judge  of  the  state  of 
learning  and  information  on  this  side  the  Pacific. 
Being  determined  to  hoax  these  poor  souls,  I  filled 
a  box  with  pebbles,  old  mortar,  and  pieces  of  brick 
bats,  which  I  sent  to  the  faculty  as  a  valuable  suite 
of  American  minerals;  whereupon  they  unani 
mously  bestowed  upon  me  the  degree  of  doctor  of 
laws.  There  were  some  vitrified  masses  I  picked 
up  near  an  old  glass-house  which  caused  great 
speculation,  being  considered  unquestionable  vol 
canic  productions.  When  questioned  as  to  their 
locality,  I  sent  them  on  a  wild  goose  chase  in 
search  of  a  burning  mountain. 

Becoming  tired  of  Charleston,  its  negroes  and  tur- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  19 

key  buzzards,  (which  the  turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy  has  dubbed  eagles,)  and  desirous  of  getting 
to  New-Orleans  as  early  as  possible,  I  took  a  seat 
in  the  stage  for  Portsmouth,  New-Hampshire,  and 
departed  before  daylight  the  next  morning.  When 
it  should  have  been  daylight,  the  fog  was  so  thick 
it  was  impossible  to  see  the  leaders,  and  I  express 
ed  some  apprehension.  One  of  the  passengers  as 
sured  me,  however,  that  as  the  driver  was  drunk, 
as  a  matter  of  course,  daylight  was  of  no  conse 
quence — it  was  trusting  to  Providence  at  all  events. 
Indeed,  I  am  assured  by  persons  of  veracity,  that 
travellers  in  this  country  place  their  chief  depen 
dence  on  the  horses,  who,  being  left  pretty  much 
to  themselves,  in  consequence  of  the  intoxication 
of  the  drivers,  acquire  a  singular  discretion,  and 
seldom  run  away  except  when  the  driver  is  sober. 
Thus  we  travelled  under  the  guidance  of  instinct, 
till  near  ten  o'clock,  when  objects  gradually  be 
came  visible  along  the  road.  The  driver  about 
this  time  waked  up,"  and  I  was  congratulating  my 
self  on  his  appearing;  sober;  but  the  same  commu 
nicative  passenger  assured  me  it  was  of  no  conse 
quence,  for  he  would  be  drunk  again  by  the  time 
breakfast  was  over. 

I  had  heard  a  great  deal  about  the  populous- 
ness  of  the  country  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Bos 
ton  ;  but  I  can  safely  affirm,  that  during  the  whole 
of  this  morning's  ride,  I  saw  neither  house  nor 
human  being  along  the  road.  We  heard  indeed  a 
deal  of  barking  and  howling  at  no  great  distance, 


20  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

* 

which  the  communicative  passenger  assured  me 
was  that  of  various  kinds  of  wild  beasts,  that  abound 
in  these  parts.  He  told  me  they  frequently  sur 
rounded  the  stage,  devoured  the  horses,  and  if 
their  hunger  was  not  then  satisfied,  topped  off  with 
the  driver  and  passengers.  Indeed,  what  with 
mail  robberies,  which  happened  almost  every  night, 
and  attacks  of  wild  beasts,  there  was  little  hope  of 
getting  to  the  end  of  a  journey  of  a  dozen  miles 
alive.  "  JBoutez  en  avant"  roared  out  a  little 
Frenchman  in  a  corner,  taking  a  great  pinch  of 
snuff  at  the  same  time.  All  this,  thought  I,  comes 
of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy. 

Breakfasting  at  a  little  .town,  which,  like  all 
other  towns  in  this  country,  is  called  the  city  of 
Hartford,  I  saw  a  young  lady  devour  thirty-six 
cucumbers,  moistened  with  a  quart  of  vinegar. 
After  which,  she  sat  down,  played  Lodoiska  on 
the  piano,  and  then  went  into  the  field  to  pull 
onions.  Such  horrible  incongruities  are  generated 
in  the  rankness  of  democracy  \  There  was  a  child 
of  about  eight  years  old  in  the  room,  who  called 
for  an  anti-fogmatic,  which  he  drank  off  at  one 
swallow,  after  which  he  lighted  a  cigar  and  amus 
ed  himself  with  singeing  the  woolly  pate  of  a  lit 
tle  black  boy,  or  terrapin,  as  they  call  them  when 
made  into  soup.  According  to  the  prediction  of 
the  communicative  passenger,  the  driver  was  nod 
ding  again  on  his  seat,  in  less  than  half  an  hour  after 
starting.  I  was  so  provoked  that  I  threatened  to 
lick  him,  as  the  naval  officer  said  at  Boston.  But 


JOHN    BULL     IN    AMERICA.  21 

the  communicative  passenger  cautioned  me  against 
this,  assuring  me  the  driver  was  a  man  of  great 
consequence — a  member  of  congress — judge  of  the 
court — colonel  of  militia — justice  of  the  peace — 
deacon  of  the  church — constable  and  keeper  of  the 
county  jail  withaL  "  So,"  continued  the  com 
municative  passenger,  "  he  can  issue  a  warrant — 
take  you  in  custody — try  you  for  an  assault — clap 
you  in  jail — keep  watch  over  you  when  there — 
and  finally  have  you  prayed  against  by  the  whole 
congregation/'  "Diable!"  exclaimed  the  little 
Frenchman  in  broken  English;  "  these  democrat 
Yankees  have  as  many  offices  as  their  citizea  hogs 
have  hind  legs."  "  Why,  how  many  legs  have 
our  citizen  hogs,  as  you  call  them,  Monsieur?" 
replied  the  communicative  passenger.  "  Why,  eight 
at  least,"  said  the  other,  "  or  they  could  never 
furnish  the  millions  of  hams  which  I  see  every 
where.  Diable  !  I  have  breakfasted  upon  ham — 
dined  upon  ham — and  supped  upon  ham,  every 
day  since  I  arrived  in  this  country.  Yes,  sir,  it  is 
certain  your  pigs  must  have  at  least  eight  hams  a 
piece  ;"  upon  which  he  politely  offered  me  a  pinch 
of  snuff,  which  I  refused  with  cold  dignity.  If  I 
know  myself,  I  have  no  national  prejudices  ;  but 
I  do  hate  Frenchmen. 

Though  anxious  to  gain  information,  I  cannot 
condescend  to  mix  with  these  rank  republicans,  ask 
questions,  and  take  the  usual  means  of  gaining  it. 
I  wanted  to  know  the  reason  of  such  a  multiplicity 
of  offices  being  united  in  one  person  j  but  it  was 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

enough  for  me  to  permit  these  low-lived  scum  of 
democracy  to  give  me  information,  without  de 
meaning  myself  to  ask  for  it.  Luckily  the  little 
Frenchman,  like  all  his  detestable  countrymen, 
was  fond  of  talking.  "  Pray/'  said  he,  "  how 
comes  it  that  his  honour  the  colonel,  deacon,  stage- 
driver,  has  so  many  offices ;  or,  as  you  Yankees 
say,  so  many  irons  in  the  fire?  -One  would  think 
that  men  were  as  scarce  in  this  country,  as  hams 
are  plenty.7'  «  Why,  the  truth  is,"  replied  the 
communicative  traveller,  that  being  one  of  three 
persons  out  of  the  whole  county  that  can  read,  it 
is  negessary  he  should  labour  in  a  variety  of  voca 
tions,  for  the  good  of  his  country.  Besides,  as 
every  democrat  is  by  nature  and  habit  a  drunkard, 
a  sober  man  ampng  them  is  like  a  good  singer  at  a 
feast ;  the  one  is  knocked  down  for  all  the  songs, 
and  the  other  is  under  the  necessity  of  playing  a 
sort  of  jack-  of-all  trades."  "  Diable!"  exclaimed 
the  little  Frenchman,  "  do  you  call  this  colonel 
stage-driver  a  sober  man  ?"  "  Why  not  exactly," 
replied  the  other ;  (<  but  this  valuable  person  has 
been  drinking  so  long,  and  so  constantly,  that  ha 
bit  has  become  second  nature,  and  he  is  never  so 
wise,  valiant,  discreet,  and  pious,  as  when  he  is 
full  charged  with  apple  brandy."  So  much  for 
the  spirit  of  democracy,  thought  I. 

The  country  through  which  we  passed,  every 
where  exhibits  traces  of  the  lazy,  ragged,  and  dirty 
genius  of  democracy ;  who  prides  himself  on  his 
beggary,  and  riots  in  the  want  of  all  those  ele~ 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  23 

gancies  which  civilized  nations  consider  essential 
to  existence.  A  few  miserable  negro  huts,  without 
roof  or  windows,  and  a  few  half-starved,  half-naked 
negroes,  dot  the  sterile  landscape  here  and  there. 
The  only  white  people  we  saw,  were  a  knot  of 
half-drunken  savages,  assembled  about  a  log  hut, 
shooting  at  a  mark.  Here  we  stopped  to  water 
the  horses,  and  I  looked  about  to  see  the  mark  at 
which  they  were  trying  their  skill.  "  You  are 
curious,"  said  the  communicative  traveller,  <'•  to 
know  what  they  are  shooting  at.  Look  at  that 
little  negro.  They  will  tie  him  to  yonder  post 
anon,  .and  shoot  at  him  till  he  is  torn  to  atoms,  as 
they  do  at  turkeys,  for  sixpence  a  shot/'  Another 
proof  of  the  horrible  spirit  of  democracy.  The 
person  who  gave  me  this  information  added,  that 
when  they  had  finished  this  trial  of  skill,  they 
would,  in  all  probability,  turn  to  and  take  a  few 
shots  at  each  other  for  mere  amusement. 

We  arrived  at  Portsmouth,  an  inland  town, 
capital  of  Georgia,  where  being  heartily  sick  of  this 
bundling,  guessing,  tippling  den  of  democracy, 
I  thought  I  would,  for  once,  depart  from  my  or 
dinary  rule,  and  inquire  when  I  might  calculate  on 
getting  to  New-Orleans?  I  accordingly  put  the 
question  to  the  landlord ;  but  the  little  impatient 
Frenchman  who  was  close  at  my  heels  took  the 
word — -"New-Orleans!  Diable  !  are  you  going  to 
New-Orleans,  Monsieur?"  Thinking  his  surprise 
might  have  some  connexion  with  the  yellow-fever. 
I  was  thrown  off  my  guard,  and  before  I  knew  it. 


24  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

condescended  to  answer — "  Yes,  I  am,"  but  with 
cold  dignity.  The  little  villain  took  a.huge  pinch 
of  snuff,  blew  his  nose  like  a  trumpet;  and  exclaim 
ed — "  To  New-Orleans  !  You  are  going  to  New- 
Orleans,  and  I  am  going  away  from  it  as  fast  as  I 
possibly  can !  One  of  us  must  be  going  the  wrong 
way,  that's  certain.  Pray,"  said  he,  turning  to  the 
communicative  traveller,  "  will  Monsieur  be  good 
enough  to  tell  me  whether  I  am  travelling  north  or 
south,  to  New-Orleans  or  Passamaquoddy  ?"  "  Due 
north — in  the  very  eye  of  the  North-star — -to 
Passamaquoddy,  and  not  to  New-Orleans,  Mon 
sieur,"  answered  the  other.  "  Monsieur,"  said 
the  little  villain,  turning  to  me,  and  offering  a 
pinch  of  snuff  with  a  low  bow — "  Monsieur,  when 
you  get  into  a  stage  coach,  do  you  ever  condescend 
to  inquire  where  it  is  going?  I  am  an  old  traveller, 
and  as  we  are  going  to  part,  never  perhaps  to  meet 
again,  let  me  conjure  you,  by  the  memory  of  your 
ancestors  and  the  victory  of  Waterloo,  never  to 
set  out  on  a  journey  without  inquiring  whither  you 
are  going?  However,  Monsieur,  it  is  an  ill  wind 
that  blows  nobody  good.  I  am  going  no  farther 
north  than  this  place,  shall  finish  my  business 
here  this  afternoon,  and  to-morrow,  if  Monsieur 
pleases,.we  will  set  out  for  the  south,  which  I  assure 
you  is  the  very  best  way  to  New-Orleans."  "  And 
I,"  said  the  communicative  traveller,  "shall  also 
return  in  the  morning,  and  mean  to  go  south  as 
far  as  the  city  of  Charleston,  so  that  we  shall  have 
the  pleasure  of  each  other's  company,  for  a  thou- 


JOHN   BULL    IN"   AMERICA.  35 

sand  miles  at  least."  "  A  thousand  miles!"  re 
plied  I,  for  here  again  surprise  overcame  my  digni 
fied  reserve— "  Why,  I  thought" .  But  I 

stopt  short,  being  unwilling  to  give  the  little  rascal 
of  a  Frenchman  another  laugh,  by  letting  him  into 
the  secret  of  a  certain  blunder  which  shall  be  name 
less.  "  On  the  whole,"  observed  the  communi 
cative  traveller,  "  you  have  not  lost  much  by  this 
little  ride  out  of  your  way.  You  have  had  an  op 
portunity  of  seeing  one  of  the  finest  and  best  cul 
tivated  parts  of  the  country  ;  and  a  portion  of  the 
most  moral,  as  well  as  enlightened  of  the  people. 
And  you  have  lost  no  time  by  the  little  excursion, 
for  I  am  credibly  informed,  such  has  been  the 
mortality  at  New-Orleans,  that  there  is  not  a  sin 
gle  human  being  left  alive  there.  Nay,  the  very 
dogs,  cats,  and  parrots  are  extinct.  You  may  as 
well  wait,  therefore,  till  it  is  peopled  again,  which 
will  be  very  soon,  for  the  folks  in  this  country, 
particularly  the  democrats,  don't  mind  dying  in 
the  summer,  if  they  can  only  have  a  merry  winter 
before  hand."  Here  our  conversation  was  inter 
rupted  by  a  loud  cry  of  "  Help ! — murder ! — help !" 
proceeding  from  an  adjoining  room.  On  running 
in  to  see  what  was  the  matter,  we  found  a  son  of 
the  landlord,  (who  by  the  way  was  a  general,)  about 
eight  years  of  age,  had  thrown  his  mother  down 
on  the  floor,  and  was  beating,  biting,  scratching, 
and  mauling  her  in  a  dreadful  manner,  while  the 
general  stood  by  laughing  and  clapping  his  hands 
in  ecstacy,  every  moment  crying  out,  "  That's  it 
3 


~0  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA, 

— that's  my  fine  fellow — 0 !  he'll  make  a  brave 
republican  !"  Such  are  the  first  lessons  of  children 
in  this  chosen  land  of  bundling,  gouging,  drunken 
ness,  impertinence,  impiety — and,  to  sum  up  all 
in  one  word,  democracy. 

Heaven  be  praised,  thought  I,  the  force  of  de 
mocracy  can  go  no  further;  but  I  was  mistaken 
with  a  vengeance.  Just  at  this  moment  we  had  a 
terrible  explosion,  which  I  at  first  thought  was  the 
little  Frenchman  sneezing — but  it  turned  out,  on 
inquiry,  to  be  something  of  a  far  different  nature. 
Though  my  heart  sickens  at  the  bare  recital,  I 
shall  give  the  story  for  the  benefit  of  all  the  ad 
mirers  of  democracy. 

It  seems  a  fellow  of  the  name  of  Ramsbottom,  a 
man-milliner  by  trade,  and  a  roaring  patriot,  had 
taken  offence  at  a  neighbour,  whose  name  was  Hig- 
ginbottom,  because  his  wife  had  attempted  to  cheap 
en  a  crimped  tucker,  and  afterwards  reported  that 
he  sold  his  articles  much  dearer  than  his  rival  man- 
milliner  over  the  way,  whose  name  was  Winter- 
bottom,  and  whose  next  door  neighbour,  one  Odd  y. 
was  Winterbottom's  particular  friend.  In  the  pure 
spirit  of  democracy,  Ramsbottom  determined  to 
dirk  not  only  Higginbottom  and  his  wife,  and 
Winterbottom,  and  Oddy,  and  their  wives  ;  but 
all  the  young  Higginbottoms,  Winter-bottoms.. 
Oddys,  and  little  Oddities.  It  was  some  years 
before  Ramsbottom  could  get  them  all  together, 

so  as  to  make  one  job  of  it.     At  last  he  collect- 
J 

ed  the  whole  party  at  his  own  house,  to  spend 


JOHN    BULL    rN    AMERICA,  27 

their  Christmas  eve,  and  determined  to  execute 
his  diabolical  purpose.  It  appears,  however,  from 
what  followed,  that  he  had  previously  changed  his 
mind  as  to  the  dirking,  probably  because  it  was 
too  much  trouble,  (for  these  democrats  hate  trou 
ble  above  all  things.)  Just  as  they  were  up  to  the 
eyes  in  a  Christmas  pye,  the  explosion  took  place 
which  I  had  just  heard,  and  the  whole  party,  Rams- 
bottom,  Higginbottom,  Winterbottom,  and  Oddy, 
together  with  their  wives,  and  all  the  little  Rams- 
bottoms,  Winterbottoms,  Higginbottoms,  Oddys 
and  Oddities  were  all  blown  into  such  small  atoms, 
that  not  a  vestige  of  them  was  to  be  found.  I  saw 
their  bodies  afterwards,  all  terribly  mangled  and 
torn  to  pieces.  Such  is  the  intense  and  never- 
dying  spirit  of  vengeance,  generated  by  the  tur 
bulent  spirit  of  democracy,  that  the  desperado, 
Ramsbottom,  it  appears,  did  not  scruple,  like  the 
republican  Samson  of  old,  to  pull  down  destruc 
tion  on  himself,  that  he  might  be  revenged  on  his 
enemies.  :-.  • 


CHAP.  III. 

Little  Frenchman — Treatment  of  Slaves — Mode  of  baking  saw 
dust  cakes — Kitchen  furniture — Spirit  of  Democracy — Apos 
trophe—Mode  of  paying  bills  by  the  Yankees  and  French — 
Little  Frenchman  again — Solitary  inn — Attempt  to  rob  and 
murder  the  author — Bandit  disguised  as  a  stage-driver — Ar 
rival  at  Boston — Gives  the  little  Frenchman  the  slip. 

IN  order  to  get  rid  of  the  little  Frenchman,  with 
his  confounded  mahogany  face,  gold  ear-rings,  and 
dimity  breeches,  who  seemed  inclined  to  be  im 
pertinently  jocular  with  my  mistaking  the  way  to 
New-Orleans,  I  determined  to  say  nothing,  but 
defer  my  journey  a  day  longer.  Accordingly  I 
apprized  the  landlord  of  my  intention,  and  suffered 
the  stage  to  depart  without  me.  With  a  view  to 
keep  up  my  dignity,  as  well  as  to  acquire  all  the  - 
information  possible,  in  relation  to  the  country,  its 
people,  and  manners,  I  determined  to  remain  in 
my  room  all  day,  take  my  meals  in  dignified  re 
tirement,  and  seize  every  opportunity  of  question 
ing  the  waiter.  From  him  I  gathered  many  pre 
cious  items,  concerning  the  blessed  effects  of  the 
turbulent  spirit  of  democracy. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA,  29 

He  solemnly  assured  me,  that  all  the  servants 
eat  off  the  kitchen  floor  in  these  parts,  which,  in 
stead  of  boards,  is  usually  flored  with  mud,  well 
trodden  by  the  pigs,  which,  in  this  land  of  equali 
ty,  are  admitted  to  all  the  privileges  of  citizenship, 
vote  at  elections,  and,  I  believe,  are  eligible  to 
the  highest  offices,  provided  they  are  natural  born 
pigs.  On  my  inquiry  how  they  understood  the 
votes  of  these  freeholders,  he  replied,  that  a  grunt* 
was  always  considered  as  a  suffrage  in  favour  of 
the  democratic  ticket,  and  a  squeak  for  the  federal 
or  aristocratic  party.  Hence  abundance  of  pains 
is  taken  to  teach  the  pigs  either  to  grunt  or  squeal, 
according  as  their  owners  belonged  to  one  or  other 
party ;  and  many  a  vote  was  changed  by  certain 
sly  pinches  of  the  pigs  ears,  as  they  were  brought 
up  to  give  their  suffrages. 

The  waiter  further  informed  me,  in  the  course 
of  my  investigations  into  the  kitchen,  that  the 
poor  servants,  who  are  all  blacks  and  slaves  in  this 
part  of  the  country,  had  neither  beds  nor  covering 
at  night,  but  all  pigged  together  in  the  same  ashes, 
where  they  often  squabbled  and  fought  all  night, 
either  to  get  near  a  little  live  coal,  or  to  keep  each 
other  warm  by  exercise.  As  to  food,  one  may 
guess,  as  these  vulgar  democrats  say — one  may 
guess  what  that  is,  when  I  state  on  the  informa 
tion  of  the  waiter,  that  the  week  before  I  came  to 
Portsmouth,  in  this  very  kitchen,  a  murder  tt^as 
committed  by  one  gentleman  of  colour,  on  another, 
in  consequence  of  a  dispute  about  the  property  of 
3* 


30  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

a  bone,  which  had  been  picked  six  days  in  succes 
sion.  The  murderer  at  last  seized  the  bone,  hit 
his  adversary  on  the  temple,  and  killed  him  instant* 
ly;  after  which  he  buried  him  in  the  mud  of  the 
kitchen,  and  sat  himself  quietly  down  to  gnaw  his 
bone.  The  waiter  further  stated,  that  they  were 
allowed  no  cooking  utensils,  and  Ufal  the  way  they 
generally  baked  their  bread,  which  is  altogether  of 
saw-dust,  was  to  lie  down  at  night  with  their  feet 
to  the  fire,  on  the  soles  of  which  they  placed  the 
cake.  They  then  go  to  sleep,  and  by  the  time  the 
cake  begins  to  burn  their  feet  so  as  to  wake  them, 
it  is  done.  This  saw-dust  bread  is  their  chief  food  ; 
but  candour  obliges  me  to  state,  that  once  in  a  great 
while  they  are  treated  to  a  bit  of  spoiled  codfish, 
or  tainted  pork,  which  makes  them  almost  run 
road  with  ecstacy.  Determined  to  make  the  most 
of  this  meeting  with  such  an  intelligent  fellow,  I 
continued  to  question  him  concerning  the  number 
of  pots,  kettles,  stew-pans,  &c.  in  the  kitchen — - 
their  state,  quality,  and  condition — whether  they 
had  any  knives  and  forks  allowed  them,  and  if  the 
latter  had  three  prongs  ?  Whether  the  little  negroes 
were  taught  their  prayers ;  and  whether  the  pigs 
were  permitted  to  eat  out  of  the  same  dish  with 
them  ?  Touching  the  pots  and  kettles,  he  assured 
me>  upon  his  honour,  that  there  was  but  one  pot, 
with  one  ear,  in  the  whole  establishment;  that  the 
kettle  was  still  worse  off  than  the  pot,  having  had 
no  handle  within  the  memory  of  man  ;  that  the 
only  knife  they  had  was  half  a  stump  of  a  blade, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  31 

without  edge  or  point,  which,  however,  was  rather 
a  lucky  circumstance,  since,  as  they  were  always 
fighting  at  meals  on  account  of  the  scarcity  pre 
vailing,  they  .would  do  mischief  if  they  had  knives  ; 
^that,  as  to  forks,  it  was  the  landlady's  maxim  that 
fingers  were  made  before  knives  and  forks;  that 
the  little  people  of  colour  were  taught  nothing  but 
swearing,  and  that  the  pigs  always  breakfasted 
before  them,  on  account  of  being  considered  free 
holders,  and  entitled  to  vote. 

In  this  way  I  gained  mo^  insight  into  the  na 
ture  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  than  if  I 
had  mixed  with  half  the  people  of  the  town,  and 
asked  as  many  questions  as  a  Yankee  democrat. 
Indeed  I  had  read  in  all  our  books  of  travels,  that 
these  bundling,  gouging  republicans,  although 
they  asked  a  dozen  questions-  in  a  minute,  were 
principled  against  answering  any.  This  I  was  told 
by  the  waiter,  arose,  in  a  great  degree,  from  al 
most  every  white  man  being  generally  in  court  a 
dozen  or  twenty  times  a  year,  for  some  offence  or 
other,  (principally  that  of  murder,)  by  which 
means  they  got  a  habit  of  being  shy  in  answering 
interrogatories.  "  But, "'said  I,  at  the  conclusion 
of  my  examination,  "  how  does  it  happen  that 
you  are  so  plump  and  well  clad,  if  yourfellows  are 
thus  naked  and. starved  ?"  "  Why,"  replied. the 
fellow,  showing  his  white  teeth  from  ear  to  ear — . 
;:  Why,  if  master  must  know,  1  make  a  point  of 
helping  myself  out  of  the  dishes,  as  I  go  in  and  out; 
and  my  master  keeps  me  well  dressed,  for  the  ho- 


32  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA- 

nour  of  the  house. "  Alas!  thought  I  to  myself, 
here  is  another  proof  of  the  demoralizing  effects  of 
slavery  !  This  honest  man  is  obliged  to  descend  to 
the  degradation  of  rifling  apple  tarts,  and  embez 
zling  mouthfuls  of  mutton,  to  keep  himself  froin 
starving! — 0,  Wilberforce!  well  mayest  thou  en 
danger  the  lives  of  all  the  white  people  in  the  West 
Indies,  in  thy  attempts  to  benefit  the  blacks ! — 0, 
Buxton!  well  mayest  thou  be  permitted  to  poison 
half  the  people  of  London  with  thine  execrable 
small  beer,  in  considgration  of  thy  godlike  philan 
thropy  ! — And,  0,  Betty  Martin  !  well  mayest 
thou  be  allowed  to  hunt,  shoot,  and  hang  up  the 
wild  Irish,  in  consideration  of  thine  eloquent 
speeches  in  parliament,  in  behalf  of  brawned  pigs, 
crammed  turkies,  and  plugged  lobsters  ! 

In  the  evening  I  paid  my  bill,  which  seemed 
rather  to  astonish  the  landlord,  and  in  truth  it  was 
a  most  swingeing  one.  At  first  I  demurred — but 
upon  the  poor  fellow  assuring  me  he  was  obliged 
to  charge  strangers,  particularly  Englishmen,  tre 
ble,  and  sometimes  quadruple,  to  make  up  for  the 
losses  sustained  by  his  own  countrymen,  and  the 
Frenchmen,  who  generally  went  away  without 
paying  at  all,  I  paid  him  with  the  air  cf  an  En 
glish  nobleman,  expecting  he  would  dub  me  My 
Lord ;  but  he  received  the  money  with  perfect  in 
difference,  and  did  not  even  condescend  to  bow  or 
thank  me.  Such  is  the  influence  of  the  turbulent 
spirit  of  democracy  ! 

In  the  morning,  as  usual  in  all  parts  of  this 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  33 

country,  we  set  forth  before  daylight,  so  that  I 
could  not  see  my  fellow-passengers.  Two  reasons 
combine  to  produce  this  republican  custom  of  tra 
velling  before  day,  and  after  dark.  In  the  first 
place,  it  gives  opportunity  for  robbing  the  stages, 
the  drivers  and  owners  of  which,  as  I  am  assured, 
are,  generally,  in  league  with  the  bands  of  robbers 
which  infest  all  parts  of  this  country,  to  the  num 
ber,  sometimes,  of  two  or  three  thousand  in  a  band. 
In  the  second  place,  as  there  is  generally  one  or 
two  pick-pockets  in  every  stage-coach,  and  forty 
or  fifty  in  every  steam-boat,  the  darkness  gives  a 
capital  scope  for  the  exercise  of  this  fashionable 
republican  vocation.  Aware  of  this,  I  always  rode 
with  my  hands  in  my  pockets,  and  was  now  in 
dulging  in  this  salutary  precaution,  when  a  sudden 
jolt  of  the  jarvie  brought  my  head  in  full  contact 
with  the  back  of  a  passenger  on  the  seat  before 
me.  "  Diable !"  exclaimed  a  voice  which  seemed 
to  be  familiar  to  me,  and  then  all  was  silent  again. 
Not  long  after  there  exploded  a  sneeze  which 
shook  the  whole  vehicle.  "My  G — d  !"  ejacu 
lated  I,  "  I'm  sure  I've  heard  that  sneeze  before  ; 
it  must  be  my  little  Frenchman  !" — But  there  was 
no  help  for  it  now,  and  I  determined  to  keep  at 
an  awful  distance. 

Daylight  showed  the  mahogany  face,  gold  ear 
rings,  and  dimity  breeches  of  the  little  French 
man,  and  by  his  side  the  communicative  traveller. 
All  at  once  it  occurred  to  my  mind,  that  these  two 


34  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

men  were  accomplices  in  some  scheme  for  robbing 
me.  What  confirmed  me  in  the  suspicion  was, 
the  confounded  civilities  of  the  little  Frenchman, 
who  expressed  infinite  pleasure  on  the  occasion, 
and  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff  every  two  minutes. 
"  We  thought  we  had  lost  you,"  said  he,  "  and 
were  regretting  the  absence  of  such  an  agreeable 
companion."  I  made  no  reply  but  by  a  stiff  in 
clination  of  the  head,  and  continued  with  my  hands 
in  my  pockets,  my  pocket-book  in  one,  and  my 
watch  in  the  other.  "  Pray,  Monsieur,  what  a 
-clock  is  it?"  said  the  Frenchman.  Aha!  thought 
I,  are  you  thereabouts  ?  So  I  told  him  my  watch 
had  run  down,  and  held  it  faster  than  ever. 

This  mode  of  disposing  of  my  hands  was  very 
inconvenient  on  these  rough  democratic  roads,  and 
occasioned  me  to  bounce  about,  to  the  no  small  an 
noyance  of  these  Jonathans,  who  threw  out  divers 
unmannerly  hints,  which  I  treated  with  perfect 
contempt.  "  He  must  have  his  pockets  full  of 
guineas,"  said  the  little  Frenchman  in  a  whisper, 
winking  at  the  same  time  at  the  communicative 
traveller.  I  understood  all  this  perfectly,  and 
when  we  stopt  to  dine,  managed  to  exhibit  a  neat 
pair  of  hair  triggers  to  these  two  worthies,  who 
exchanged  very  significant  looks  thereupon.  "  It 
won't  do,"  observed  one  to  the  other,  in  a  des 
ponding  tone. 

The  house  we  put  up  at  for  the  night  was  in  a 
lonely  wood,  at  a  distance  of  several  miles  from 
any  human  habitation.  The  owls  whooped,  the 


JOHN  BULL  IX  AMERICA.  35 

wolves  howled,  the  whippoorwills  whistled,  the 
frogs  croaked,  the  caty-dids  did  caty-did  it,  the 
crickets  chirped,  and  every  sound  seemed  fraught 
with  melancholy  thoughts  and  mournful  anticipa 
tions.  During  supper,  and  afterwards,  I  perceiv 
ed  an  exchange  of  mysterious  looks  between  the 
Frenchman,  his  companion,  the  landlord,  and  hi- 
wife,  and  detected  them  in  various  secret  confer 
ences.  In  one  of  these  I  overheard  the  landlady 
say,  in  reply  to  some  question  of  the  communica 
tive  traveller,  who  seemed  to  be  an  old  acquain 
tance,  "  we  killed  him  last  night,  poor  old  creature : 
I  was  almost  sorry  for  him."  My  blood  ran  cold 
— some  poor  old  traveller,  doubtless,  thought  I. 

Having  very  little  doubt  but  there  was  a  plan  to 
rob  and  murder  me  in  this  lonely  place,  I  deter 
mined  to  defeat  it  by  sitting  up  all  night  with  a 
pistol  cocked  in  each  hand,  ready  to  defend  my 
self.  In  spite  of  the  hints  and  questions,  and  en 
treaties  of  tire  landlord  and  his  wife,  I  persevered 
in  my  plan,  although  I  was  obliged  to  take  to  the 
kitchen  fire,  under  pretence  that  they  were  goinc; 
to  make  up  a  bed  for  themselves  in  the  room  where 
I  was.  In  this  situation  I  continued,  a  pistol  rea=- 
dy  cocked  in  each  hand,  until,  as  I  judge,  about; 
two  or  three  o'clock,  when  a  door  suddenly  open 
ed  and  a  bandit  cautiously  entered  with  a  dark  lan 
tern  in  his  hand.  Thinking  there  was  no  time  to 
be  lost,  I  let  fly  at  him,  and  he  fell  flat  on  his  fac^ 
bellowing  murder  with  all  his  might.  Immediate 
ly  there  was  a  great  stir  ;  the  landlord,  his  witV-, 
children,  servants,  the  stage  passengers,  and  lastly 


36  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

the  little  Frenchman  and  the  communicative  travel 
ler  bounced  in,  helter  skelter,  crying  out  "  what's 
the  matter — what's  the  matter  ?"    I  stood  with  the 
other  pistol  ready  to  fire,  and  bade  them  approach 
at  their  peril.     "  Diable !"   exclaimed  the  little 
Frenchman,  stooping  down  to  examine  the  body, 
"  he   has  killed   our  driver."     "  Not  exactly," 
cried  the  fellow,  jumping  on  his  two  legs  as  brisk 
as   a  grasshopper — "  but  if  I  don't  have  him  up 
before  the  justice  for  shooting  at  a  fellow  for  only 
coming  in  to  light  his  lantern,  to  see  to  put  toge 
ther  his  horses,  darn  my  soul."  I  insisted  upon  it, 
he  was  a  genuine  bandit,  and  that  he  had  come  in 
to  the  kitchen  on  purpose  to  rob  and  murder,  or  at 
least  keep  me  in  custody  till  my  friends  paid  my 
ransom.     But  I   found  they  were  all  in  leaugue 
against  me,  and  was  finally  glad  to  compound  with 
the  pretended  stage-driver,  by  treating  him  to  a 
pint  of  whiskey.     It  is  thus  that  strangers  are  al 
ways  served  in  this  democratic  paradise.     They 
must  either  sit  still  and  be  murdered  by  inches,  or 
pay  a  composition  for  defending  themselves.     To 
carry  on  the  deception,  the  fellow  with  a  dark  lan 
tern  was  actually  mounted  on  the  coach  box,  with 
a  view,  I  suppose,  of  making  a  more  successful  at 
tempt  the  next  night.     But  in  this  he  was  disap 
pointed,  for  the  moment  we  got  to  Boston,  I  took 
my  portmanteau  under  my  arm,  darted  round  a 
corner,  and  hid  myself  in  a  remote  part  of  the  city. 
In  my  retreat  I  heard  the  little  Frenchman  ex 
claim,    "  Diable  !    this  is  what  you   call  taking 
French  leave,  I  think." 


37 


CHAP.  IV. 

The  author  congratulates  himself  on  having  got  rid  of  the  little 
Frenchman — Is  in  danger  of  being  twice  robbed  and  murdered 
— Neglect  of  common  decency  in  taverns  and  steam-boats — 
No  knives  and  forks — Dirty  hands  and  faces — Astonishing- 
number  of  people  with  one  eye,  or  two  black  eyes — Expla 
nation  of  Governor  Hancock — Gouging — Spirit  of  Democracy 
— Leaves  Boston — Passes  through  Ohio,  Alabama,  and  Con 
necticut — Attempt  to  rob  the  mail  on  Sunday  by  a  foot-pad, 
who  turns  out  to  be  a  deacon  of  the  church — Amusements  of 
tire  people — Holy  Alliance — Bellows  Falls — Steam-boats  in 
vented  by  Dr.  Isaac  Watts,  who  wrote  the  book  of  Psalms — 
Ignorance  of  the  Yankees  of  the  points  of  the  compass — Their 
mode  of  navigation — Little  Frenchman  again — Mode  of  decid 
ing  elections — Rudeness  of  boatmen  and  captain— Attempt  of 
the  little  Frenchman  to  rob  the  author. 

"  THANK  heaven, "  said  I,  "  Pve  got  rid  of  the 
little  Frenchman,  the  bandit,  and  his  whole  crew," 
as  I  seated  myself  snugly  in  the  quiet  retreat  of  a 
hotel  in  a  remote  part  of  the  city.  I  slept  pretty 
soundly  that  night,  with  the  exception  of  two  at 
tempts  to  rob  and  murder  me,  one  by  a  person  who 
opened  my  door,  but  who  seeing  the  barking  iron, 
shrunk  back  and  pretended  to  have  mistaken  the 
4 


38  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

room  ;  the  other  by  the  chamber-maid,  who  came 
in  after  I  had  gone  to  bed,  with  an  excuse  that  she 
had  forgot  to  put  water  in  my  pitcher.  By  the 
way  nothing  can  equal  the  neglect  of  these  turbu 
lent  democrats  in  all  the  common  decencies  of  life, 
particularly  washing  their  hands  and  faces.  On 
board  the  steam-boats,  where  there  are  perhaps  a 
hundred  people,  one  does  not  see  above  two  or 
three  washing  themselves  of  a  morning.  As  they 
use  no  knives  and  forks,  either  for  want  of  know 
ing  their  uses,  or  for  fear  the  passengers  would 
steal  them,  it  is  easy  to  conceive  the  disgust  an 
Englishman  must  feel  at  seeing  them  diving  in  the 
dishes  with  their  filthy  fingers.  Another  charac 
teristic  feature  of  these  people  is,  that  more  than 
one  half  of  them  want  an  eye,  and  those  that  hap 
pen  to  have  two,  generally  exhibit  a  black  ring 
round  one  or  both.  On  inquiring  into  the  cause 
of  this  peculiarity,  I  was  told  by  his  excellency, 
Governor  Hancock,  that  men,  women,  and  chil 
dren,  were  so  given  to  fighting  and  gouging,  that 
it  was  next  to  a  miracle  to  see  one  of  them  with 
out  the  want  of  an  eye,  or  at  least  a  pair  of  black 
eyes,  which  is  reckoned  a  great  beauty  in  these 
parts.  So  much  for  the  turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy,  thought  I  to  myself. 

Having  staid  three  days  to  give  the  little  French 
man,  the  bandit,  and  the  rest  of  them  a  fair  start, 
I  thought  I  might  safely  proceed  on  to  the  south  : 
accordingly  I  took  passage  in  a  stage  and  departed 
the  fourth  morning,  as  usual,  before  day-light,  for 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  39 

Vhe  convenience  of  being  robbed  and  murdered  on 
the  way.  This  happens  generally  about  three 
times  a  week  ;  but  it  is  in  the  true  spirit  of  demo 
cracy  to  sport  with  property  and  life.  Our  road 
carried  us  through  the  states  of  Ohio,  Alabama, 
and  Connecticut,  among  the  people  of  steady 
habits,  as  they  are  denominated.  All  I  can  say  is, 
that  the  sooner  they  change  these  steady  habits  the 
better,  for  it  will  hardly  be  believed,  that  we  had 
scarcely  entered  the  confines  of  Connecticut,  the 
very  centre  of  steady  habits,  when,  although  it 
was  Sunday,  (a  sufficient  reason  for  deterring  any 
Christian  highwayman,)  we  were  stopt  by  a  foot 
pad,  who  demanded  money  with  as  little  com 
punction  as  a  he-wolf.  Upon  my  showing  my 
pistols,  however,  he  sheered  off,  and  the  driver 
whipping  up  his  horses  at  the  moment,  we  lucki 
ly  escaped  this  time.  The  incident  of  a  single 
foot-pad  attempting  thus  to  rob  a  whole  stage-load 
of  people,  furnishes  another  proof  of  the  fact,  that 
stage-drivers  and  stage-owners,  not  to  say  a  majo 
rity  of  stage  passengers,  are  accomplices  of  these 
bands  of  robbers.  Had  it  not  been  for  my  pistols, 
we  should  all  have  been  robbed  to  a  certainty,  and 
most  probably  the  rest  of  the  passengers  would 
have  shared  my  spoils.  What  exhibits  the  turbu 
lent  and  impious  spirit  of  democracy  in  all  its 
turpitude,  is  the  fact  that  the  driver,  after  getting 
fairly  out  of  sight,  turned  round  to  the  passengers 
with  a  grin,  and  exclaimed,  "I  guess  I've  distan 
ced  the  deacon."  So  that  this  foot-pad  was  one  of 
She  pillars  of  the  church ! 


40  JOHN    BULL   JN   AMERICA. 

I  have  nothing  to  add  in  addition  to  these  dis 
gusting  details,  except  that  as  far  as  my  sight  could 
reach  on  either  side  of  the  road,  I  could  see  nobody 
at  work  but  the  poor  gentlemen  of  colour,  half- 
clothed,  as  usual.  The  white  people  were  for  the 
most  part  employed  in  getting  drunk  at  the  taverns, 
running  horses,  fighting  cocks,  or  gouging  one 
another's  eyes  out — the  women  sitting  along  the 
road,  chewing  tobacco,  and  spitting  in  the  faces  of 
passers  by ;  and  the  little  boys  and  girls  were  pret 
ty  much  engaged  in  beating  their  parents.  To 
vary  these  amusements,  they  sometimes  made  a 
party  to  hunt  a  little  naked  negro  with  their  dogs, 
which  I  observed  were  all  blood-hounds.  My 
heart  bled  to  see  these  cruel  mastiffs,  less  cruel  in 
deed  than  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  tug 
ging  at  their  naked  haunches,  and  I  could  not  help 
invoking  the  philanthropic  genius  of  the  holy  alli 
ance  to  interfere  in  behalf  of  these  oppressed  be 
ings. 

About  five  in  the  afternoon  we  arrived  at  Bel 
lows  Falls,  at  the  mouth  of  the  Ohio,  where  I  em 
barked  in  the  steam-boat  for  New- York.  These 
steam-boats,  all  the  world  knows,  were  invented 
by  Isaac  Watts,  who  wrote  the  book  of  Psalms. — 
Yet  the  spirit  of  democracy,  as  usual,  has  claimed 
the  honour  for  one  Moulton,  or  Fulton,  I  forget 
which ;  although  it  is  a  notorious  fact,  that  Isaac 
Watts  died  before  this  Fulton  was  born.  This 
settles  the  question.  But  there  is  no  stopping  the 
mouth  of  a  genuine  democrat.  Our  course  lay 


JOHN  DULL  IN  AMERICA.  41 

upon  a  river  which  the  Yankees  call  the  East  riv 
er,  although,  to  my  certain  knowledge,  it  runs  di 
rectly  west.  But  it  would  be  tasking  tke  ignorant 
spirit  of  democracy  too  much  to  suppose  its  vota 
ries  could  possibly  tell  the  points  of  the  compass. 
Indeed  I  was  credibly  informed,  that  their  most 
experienced  navigators  universally  judge  of  their 
course  within  soundings  by  the  colour  of  the  mud 
or  sand,  which  adheres  to  the  lead,  and  when  this 
fails  them,  trust  to  Providence. 

While  sitting  in  a  state  of  indolent  and  contemp 
tuous  abstraction,  with  my  back  to  as  many  of  the 
company  as  possible,  I  was  roused  by  a  sneeze, 
that  I  could  have  sworn  to  in  any  part  of  the 

world.  <'It  is  the  c d  little  Frenchman !  Here's 

Monsieur  Tonson  come  again!"  I  would  as  soon 
have  heard  the  last  trumpet  as  this  infernal  explo 
sion.  In  a  few  minutes  he  espied  me,  and  coming 
up  with  the  most  provoking  expression  of  old  ac 
quaintanceship,  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff — "  Ah  ! 
Monsieur,  I  am  so  happy  !•  Diable! — my  friend 
and  I  thought  we  had  lost  our  agreeable  compa 
nion;'7  and,  thereupon,  he  made  me  a  delectable 
low  French  bow,  that  brought  his  long  nose  with 
in  an  inch  of  the  deck — he  then  left  me  for  a  mo 
ment,  and  returned  with  his  friend,  the  veritable 
communicative  traveller,  who  had  the  insolence 
to  claim  acquaintance,  from  having  travelled  a  few 
days  in  the  same  stage  with  me.  A  good  sample 
of  the  forward,  impudent  spirit  of  democracy !  I 
expected  every  moment  to  see  the  great  bandit  with, 


42  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA, 

his  dark  lantern,  to  complete  the  trio,  but  for  some 
reason  or  other  he  didn't  make  his  appearance. 
uAh!  Monsieur,"  cried  the  little  Frenchman, 
"  you  don't  know  how  we  have  missed  your  agree 
able  society.  Diable !  we  have  not  had  a  good 
laugh  since  we  parted."  Then  he  offered  me  a 
pinch  of  snuff,  a  civility  which  he  repeated  at  least 
a  hundred  times,  in  the  course  of  the  day,  though 
I  always  declined  it  in  the  most  dignified  and  con 
temptuous  manner. 

Disgusted  with  every  thing  I  saw,  and  most  es~ 
pecially  with  this  rencontre,  I  determined  to  mor 
tify  these  free  and  easy  gentry,  by  taking  not  the 
least  notice  of  any  person  whatever,  and  going 
without  my  dinner,  on  purpose  to  spite  them.  Ma 
ny  of  the  women  looked  hard  at  me,  with  an 
evident  desire  to  be  taken  notice  of;  but  I  always 
turned  my  head  away,  resolved  to  have  nothing  to 
say  to  them.  Several  persons  also  came  round, 
and  made  attempts  to  engage  me  in  conversation^ 
but  I  answered  them  in  monosyllables,  and  they 
went  away  whistling,  to  hide  their  mortification. 
My  contempt  for  the  little  Frenchman  increased 
every  moment,  by  observing  the  pains  he  took  to 
be  agreeable.  He  talked,  laughed,  bowed,  offered 
his  box  to  every  one  that  came  in  his  way,  and 
complimented  the  women,  till  all  were  delighted 
with  him,  and  he  seemed  as  much  at  home  as  if  he 
had  been  born  and  brought  up  among  them.  Des 
picable  subserviency!  contemptible,  hypocrisy  !  to 


JOHN    BULL     IN    AMERICA.  43 

pretend  to  be  pleased  with  these  scum  of  demo 
cracy. 

When  the  dinner-bell  rang  I  remained  on  deck, 
until  one  of  the  waiters  came  up  to  tell  me  dinner 
was  ready.  I  took  no  notice  of  him.  In  a  few 
minutes  the  little  Frenchman  assailed  me.  "  Is 
Monsieur  ill?"  "No!"' said  I.  "No?  Eh  bien-— 
what  is  the  matter?  Ah!  I  guess,  as  these  Yan 
kees  say.  If  Monsieur  has  no  money,  never  mind, 
I  will  pay  for  his  dinner.  Come,  come."  I  re 
plied  in  great,  wrath  to  this  infernal  mistake,  upon 
which  he  went  down,  and  as  I  afterwards  learned, 
proposed  a  subscription  for  a  poor  passenger,  who 
was  obliged  to  go  without  his  dinner,  for  want  of 
money  to  pay  for  it.  One  may  judge  of  the  hu 
manity  of  these  people,  from  the  fact  that  not  one 
of  them  contributed  a  cent.  One  woman  turned 
up  her  nose,  and  exclaimed,  "  Marry  come  up — 
I  thought  as  much  ;  pride  and  poverty  generally  go 
together."  Another  declared  she^yould  not  give 
a  pin,  to  save  such  a  rude  humgruffian  from  starv 
ing;  and  a  third  pronounced  me  a  strolling  player 
out  of  employ.  The  communicative  traveller,  on 
coming  up  after  dinner,  endeavoured  to  comfort 
me  for  the  loss  of  my  meal,  by  observing  I  had  not 
missed  much  by  it.  "  There  is  nothing  but  snatch 
ing  and  quarrelling  for  the  favourite  bits,  and  the 
ladies  did  nothing  but  scold  and  pull  caps.  Then 
it  is,  just  as  likely  as  not,  you  would  have  been 
seated  between  two  greasy  engine  men  in  red  flan 


44  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMEIUCA. 

nel  shirts,  one  a  negro  perhaps,  (for  they  all  dine 
together,)  who  would  have  made  no  scruple  of 
gouging  one  of  your  eyes  out,  if  you  had  happen 
ed  to  get  possession  of  one  of  their  tit-bits.  You 
were  well  out  of  the  scrape."  Glorious  spirit  of 
democracy,  thought  I  to  myself. 

Towards  evening  the  boat  stopped  at  a  place 
called  the  city  of  Annapolis.  Every  thing  is  a  city 
here.  A  blacksmith's  shop,  with  a  church,  and  a 
pig-sty,  is  a  city,  and  must  have  its  corporation, 
if  it  be  ouly  that  the  spirit  of  democracy  may  revel 
in.  a  little  brief  authority.  An  office  of  any  kind 
is  their  darling,  and  a  whole  state  will  be  convuls 
ed  about  the  election  of  a  constable.  These  elec 
tions  are  generally  carried  in  the  last  resort  by  the 
cudgel  and  gouging  ;  and  I  am  assured  that  the 
number  of  one-eyed  people,  and  people  with  black 
lings  round  their  eyes,  is  generally  doubled  by 
one  of  these  struggles  of  principle.  As  we  ap 
proached  the*-wharf,  I  was  standing  among  a  coil 
of  ropes,  with  my  back  towards  the  great  city, 
when  one  of  these  sticklers  for  equality,  in  a  red 
flannel  shirt,  came  up  and  desired  me  to  move  out 
of  the  way.  The  fellow  was  civil  enough,  for 
that  matter,  but  I  only  answered  his  impertinent 
.intrusion  with  a  look  of  withering  contempt.— 
Upon  this,  he  gathered  a  part  of  the  rope  in  coils, 
ih.  his  right  hand,  and  when  we  were  ten  or  a  do- 
2*n  yards  from  the  wharf,  threw  it  with  all  his 
force,  with  a  design  to  knock  a  person  down,  who 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  45 

stood  there.  But  the  chap  was  too  dexterous  for 
him,  and  caught  the  end  of  the  rope  in  his  hands,, 
which  he  immediately  fastened  to  a  post.  The 
whole  brunt  of  this  Yankee  joke  fell  upon  me,  for 
my  feet  being  entangled  in  the  end  of  the  rope 
thus  thrown,  it  tripped  up  my  heels  and  laid  me 
sprawling  on  the  deck.  The  little  Frenchman  of 
ficiously  helped  me  up,  and  offered  me  a  pinch  of 
snuff,  by  way  of  comfort ;  but  as  for  the  democratic 
gentry,  they  seemed  rather  to  enjoy  the  thing,  and 
if  the  truth  was  known,  I  dare  say  were  at  the 
bottom  of  the  joke.  I  cursed  the  fellow  heartily  ; 
but  he  coolly  answered — "  'Twas  your  own  fault ; 
I  asked  you  to  get  out  of  the  way."  So  much  for 
the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy. 

I  stept  ashore,  to  escape  the  giggling  of  these 
polite  republicans,  and  rambled  to  the  distance  of 
a  couple  of  hundred  yards.  While  here,  I  heard 
a  bell  toll,  and  then  a  hallooing,  and  saw  them 
making  signals  for  me  to  come  on  board ;  but  I 
was  determined  to  treat  them  all  with  silent  con 
tempt,  and  continued  my  walk  in  a  direction  the 
other  way.  The  shouting  continued,  and  I  don't 
know  how  far  I  might  have  strolled,  if  I  had  not 
been  suddenly  roused  by  the  noise  of  the  boat's 
wheels.  Turning  round,  I  found  the  vessel  was 
fairly  under  way ;  whereupon  I  condescended  to 
run  and  halloo  as  hard  as  I  could  bawl.  After  some 
little  delay  the  wheels  were  stopped,  and  a  boat 
sent  off  to  take  me  on  board,  where,  instead  of 


46  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA* 

making  an  apology,  the  brute  of  a  captain  told  me 
I  deserved  to  have  been  left  behind.  "  If  it  had 
not  been  for  the  persuasions  of  your  friend,"  point 
ing  to  the  little  Frenchman,  "  you  might  have 
staid  ashore  till  next  trip,  and  welcome."  "  My 
friend,"  exclaimed  I,  turning  to  the  officious  little 
mahogany  man  with  a  look  of  withering  contempt, 
which  he  returned  by  offering  his  box,  and  assur 
ing  me  he  would  not  have  lost  my  charming  so 
ciety  for  the  world.  These  persevering  civilities 
on  his  part,  and  especially  this  last  impertinent 
interference,  confirmed  me  in  my  suspicions,  that 
there  was  a  deep-laid  plan  to  rob  and  murder  me 
the  first  convenient  opportunity.  What  added 
weight  to  these  apprehensions,  was  the  fact  of  my 
continually  detecting  him  and  his  companion,  the 
communicative  traveller,  conferring  together  eve 
ry  now  and  then,  with  divers  shrugs  on  the  part 
of  the  Frenchman,  and  significant  smiles  on  that 
of  his  friend. 

When  we  came  to  draw  lots  for  our  births,  it 
was  so  managed  by  the  captain,  (who  was  no  doubt 
an  accomplice,)  that  I  drew  a  birth  in  a  remote 
part  of  the  vessel,  forward.  But,  owing  to  some 
failure  in  the  plot,  the  little  Frenchman  and  his 
companion,  both  drew  births  in  the  after  cabin, 
which  I  perceived  disconcerted  them  not  a  little. 
35ut  they  soon  rectified  the  mistake  ;  for  upon  the 
complaints  of  two  feeble  old  gentlemen,  that  they 
should  find  it  fatiguing  to  go  into  the  forward  ca- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  47 

bin,  the  Frenchman  seized  the  pretext,  and  with 
one  of  his  confounded  low  bows,  offered  his  birth 
to  one  of  the  cripples,  while  his  companion  did 
the  same  to  the  other.  I  saw  through  all  this,  and 
determined  to  play  them  a  trick,  by  lying  awake 
all  night,  to  watch  them,  with  my  pistols  ready, 

'Late  in  the  night,  and  when  all  the  lights  were 
out,  I  heard  somebody  get  out  of  a  birth  on  the 
opposite  side  where  the  little  Frenchman  slept. — 
The  person  went  upon  deck,  and  after  staying  a 
minute  or  two,  groped  his  way  down  again,  and 
cautiously  approached  where  I  lay,  with  my  pis* 
tol  cocked.  Presently  he  laid  his  hand  upon  my 
throat,  doubtless  with  an  intent  J;o  choak  me  first, 
and  rob  me  afterwards,  at  leisure.  At  this  instant 
I  fired  my  pistol,  just  as  the  little  Frenchman  ejacu 
lated,  in  a  whisper,  "  Diable  !  I  am,  lost!"  Con 
fusion  reigned,  lights  were  brought,  aiuVthe  whtffc 
affair  was  disclosed.  I  solemnly  charged  the  lit 
tle  Frenchman,  who  had  escaped  my  shot,  with 
an  attempt  to  rob  and  murder  me ;  while  he  as  so 
lemnly  asseverated,  that  he  had  got  up  upon  a  ne 
cessary  occasion,  and,  on  his  return,  took  the  right 
hand  instead  of  the  left,  by  which  means  he  had 
encountered  my  birth  instead  of  his  own,  which 
was  directly  opposite.  The  passengers,  captaiu 
and  all,  being,  without  doubt,  accomplices  in  this 
attempt,  sided  with  the  Frenchman  ;  believed 
every  word  he  said,  and  gravely  advised  me  to 
take  care  how  I  fired  pistols  in  the  cabin  of  a  steam 
boat.  This  was  all  the  satisfaction  I  got  for  this 


48  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

nefarious  attempt.  The  little  Frenchman  even 
had  the  assurance  to  play  the  injured  party,  and 
actually  offered  to  forget  and  forgive.  "  It  was  all 
a  mistake,"  said  he,  "  and  let  us  think  no  morfe 
of  it."  So  he  offered  me  a  pinch  of  snuff,  which 
I  rejecte^  with  dignified  contempt. 


49 


CHAP.  V. 

Frogs-Neck  —  Bull-Frogs  —  Hell-Gate  —  Impious  spirit  of  demo 
cracy  —  Mode  of  passing  Hell-Gate  —  Fondness  of  the  Yankees 
for  dying  accounted  for  —  Dutch  courage  —  Mr.  Robert  James  — 
Country  seats  —  Sandy-Hook  —  Navy-Yard,  &,c.  —  Little  French 
man  —  Author  takes  lodgings  with  a  gentleman  of  colour  at  the 
Hotel  des  Huilres  —  Bill  of  exchange  —  Unprincipled  behaviour 
of  the  Yankee  merchant  —  Quarterly  Review  —  Description  of 
New-  York  —  Basis  of  republicanism  —  Agrarian  Law  —  Quarter 
ly  —  Classification  of  the  citizens  of  NewYork  —  Extensive  cir 
culation  of  the  Quarterly  Review  —  Gratitude  of  the  people  of 
iolour  —  Beggarly  pride  of  republicanism  —  Propensity  to  thiev 
ing  among  the  higher  classes  —  Picture  of  the  manners  and 
morals  of  the  people,  drawn  by  the  landlord  —  Quantity  of  flies 
and  moschetoes  —  Law  against  killing  spiders  —  Little  French 


ABOUT  daylight  I  was  roused  by  a  most  horrible 
noise,  which  resembled  nothing  I  had  ever  heard 
before.  On  going  upon  deck,  I  perceived  the 
whole  surface  of  the  water,  as  far  as  the  eye  could 
reach,  covered  with  immense  bull-frogs,  who  leapt 
and  croaked,  to  the  infinite  delight  of  these  taste 
ful  democrats,  who  were  all  gathered  together  to 
hear  this  charming  concert,  which  they  would  pre- 
5 


50  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

fer  to  the  commemoration  of  Handel.  Some  of  thr 
largest  of  these  frogs  actually  jumped  upon  deck^ 
and  a  canoe  alongside  was  nearly  upset  by  three 
or  four  of  them  clambering  up  its  sides,  at  one  and 
the  same  time.  The  place  is  called  Frog's-Neck. 
and  never  was  there  a  spot  more  aptly  named. 
There  is  a  little  settlement  near  this,  called  New- 
Rochelle,  peopled  by  Frenchmen,  who  were'doubt- 
less  attracted  by  the  frogs.  But  such  is  the  ardour 
of  these  refined  republicans,  for  this  species  of  mu 
sic,  that  the  legislature  has  enacted  a  law,  making 
it  death  to  kill  one  of  these  delightful  musicians. 
To  kill  a  man  here  is  a  trifle — but  to  kill  a  frog  is 
capital  ! 

Shortly  after  leaving  Frogs-Neck,  we  came  to 
the  famous  pass  of  Hell-Gate,  as  it  is  impiously 
called  by  the  profane  spirit  of  democracy.  It  is 
the  Scilly  and  Charybdis  of  the  new  world,  and 
nothing  but  the  special  protection  of  Providence 
can  account  for  the  few  deliverances  that  happen 
to  these  reckless  republicans  in  passing  it,  which 
they  do  every  hour  of  the  day  and  night.  As  soon 
as  they  begin  to  distinguish  its  roaring,  which  can 
be  heard  at  a  distance  of  thirty  miles,  except  when 
the  frog  concert  intervenes,  all  hands,  captain,  pi 
lot,  and  the  rest,  set  to  and  drink  apple  brandy, 
or  whiskey,  so  that  by  the  time  they  come  to  the 
Hog's  Back,  they  are  as  drunk  as  swine.  They 
then  lie  down  flat  on  their  faces  and  let  the  vessel 
take  her  course.  This  preparatory  tippling  is 
what  they  impiously  call  receiving  "  extreme 


JOHN    DULL    IN    AMERICA.  51 

unction,"  and  preparing  for  death,  which  the  com 
municative  traveller  assured  me  not  more  than  one 
out  of  three  escaped  on  an  average.  I  could  not 
help  expressing  my  wonder,  that  these  people 
should  thus  recklessly  sport  with  their  lives.  "  0, 
4is  to  that,"  replied  he,  "  what  with  the  curse  of 
democracy,  the  grinding  oppressions  of  unre 
strained  liberty,  together  with  the  total  insecurity 
of  property  under  mob  law  ;  and  the  total  in 
security  of  person,  in  consequence  of  the  uni 
versal  practice  of  robbery  and  murder,  of  which 
you  have  had  ample  experience, — I  say,  what  with 
all  this,  ninety- nine  in  a  hundred  of  these,  my 
wretched  countrymen,  would  as  soon  die  as  not, 
and  some  of  them  a  great  deal  rather,  only  to  es 
cape  the  blessings  of  democracy/'  "  But/'  said 
I,  "\vhy  don't  these  miserable  creatures  say  their 
prayers,  and  make  some  little  preparation  to  die 
like  Christians,  instead  of  thus  beastifying  them 
selves?"  "  0,"  answered  he,  with  a  coolness  that 
made  me  shudder,  "  this  is  what  we  call  Dutch 
courage;  and  I  assure  you,  upon  my  credit,  that  I 
never  knew  a  genuine  brother  Jonathan  who  could 
be  brought  to  face  an  enemy,  or  die  with  decency, 
unless  he  had  his  SKIN  full  of  whiskey,  and  was 
well  (  corned,'  as  we  say.  This  was  the  way  in 
which  we  gained  all  our  victories  last  war  both  by 
sea  and  land."  Good,  thought  I,  here  is  the  tes 
timony  of  one  of  their  own  countrymen.  Mr. 
James  shall  add  this  to  his  apologies  for  Blue  and 
Buff,  in  his  next  edition. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

This  conversation  happened  after  safely  passing- 
this  tremendous  strait,  which  we  did  as  it  were  by 
miracle.  Betwixt  this  and  New- York,  the  com 
municative  traveller  pointed  out  to  me  some  two 
or  three  of  what  he  called  magnificent  country  seats, 
which  seemed  to  me  about  the  size  of  a  pigeon- 
house.  I  took  no  notice  of  him  or  them,  but  af 
fected  to  be  in  a  fit  of  abstraction,  with  my  eyes 
fixed  on  vacancy.  Turning  the  point  of  Sandy- 
Hooli,  we  came  in  full  sight  of  the  city,  its  bay, 
and  islands.  I  saw  that  several  of  these  people 
were  watching  to  detect  in  me  some  symptoms  of 
surprise  or  admiration,  so  I  resolved  to  disappoint 
them,  and  turned  my  back  to  the  city,  keeping 
my  eyes  fixed  on  the  opposite  shore.  The  com 
municative  traveller,  supposing  I  was  looking  at 
the  Navy- Yard,  where  several  large  ships  were 
lying,  observed  :  "  That  is  the  Cyane,  near  the 
red  store.  Or  perhaps  you  mean  the  other — that 
is  the  Macedonian — or  perhaps  you  mean  the  one 
next  her— that  is •."  I  could  stand  it  no  lon 
ger,  but  was  fain  to  turn  round  and  look  at  their 
detestable  city. 

When  we  came  near  the  wharf,  the  little  French 
man  came  up  to  me  with  a  low  bow  and  the  offer 
of  his  box  as  usual.  "  I  hope  Monsieur,  my  friend 
and  myself  shall  take  lodgings  together.  As  we 
are  strangers  in  a  strange  place,  His  pity  we  should 
part.  I  assure  you  I  shall  not  rob  Monsieur,'' 
said  he,  with  an  impertinent,  significant  smile. 
I  told  him  at  last  I  should  lodge  that  night  on 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  53 

board,  and  depart  the  next  day  in  the  same  boat 
I  came.  "  What !"  replied  he,  "  is  Monsieur 
going  to  New-Orleans  again  ?  But  in  truth  we  are 
•sorry  to  lose  your  very  agreeable  company,  Mon 
sieur,  and  hope  we  shall  meet  again  when  you 
come  back  from  New-Orleans."  So  saying,  he 
bowed  profoundly  low  and  departed,  accompanied 
by  his  friend,  and  .by  my  most  devout  wishes  ne 
ver  to  set  eyes  upon  either  of  them  again. 

Desirous  to  avoid  any  public  attentions,  anjd 
most  especially  to  escape  the  honour  of  being  made 
a  citizen  of  New-York,  which  the  corporation  in 
sist  upon  bestowing  upon  every  stranger  of  distinc 
tion,  in  order  to  add  some  little  respectability  to 
their  sty  of  democracy,  I  took  a  private  lodging 
with  a  respectable  man  of  colour  who  kept  the 
Hotel  des  Huitres  in  Water-street.  According  to 
the  fashionable  London  mode,  I  intended  to  direct 
all  those  who  asked  my  address,  to  the  City  Hotel, 
where  there  is  generally  such  a  concourse  of  people 
that  the  bar-keeper  never  knows  the  names  of  half 
the  boarders.  My  first  business  after  taking  pos 
session  of  my  lodgings,  was  to  present  a  bill  of  ex 
change,  drawn  on  one  of  the  most  respectable  mer 
chants  here,  (if  such  a  term  can  be  applied  to  a 
Yankee  peddler,)  by  one  of  our  first  London  bank 
ers. 

I  found  him  in  his  counting-room  with  a  jug, 

as  I  presume  of  whiskey,  at  his  side,  and  pretty 

well  "  corned,'7  as  the  communicative  traveller 

says,  though  it  was  hardly  nine  o'clock.     He  re- 

5* 


34  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

ceived  me  with  a  sort  of  bear-like  republican  civi 
lity,  which  I  ascribed  to  the  awe  in  which  they 
stand  of  Englishmen,  to  whom  they  are  one  and 
all  indebted  more  than  they  ever  mean  to  pay. 
He  read  my  letter,  looked  very  deliberately  at  the 
bill  of  exchange,  then  folding  them  both  up  care 
fully,  offered  them  to  me.  "  Is  it  convenient 
for  you,"  said  I,  "  to  cash  the  bill  at  once  ?" 
ie  No  sir,  not  very  convenient."  "  I  suppose, 
then,  I  must  be  content  with  your  acceptance  at 
the  usual  sight."  "My  good  friend,  I  don't  mean 
to  accept  it,  I  assure  you."  "  No,  sir?"  said  I, 
bristling  up,  for  1  began  to  suspect  some  Yankee 
trick— "  and  pray  may  I  take  the  liberty  of  asking 
the  reason  of  this  extraordinary  conduct?"  "Cer 
tainly.  The  banker  who  drew  this  bill,  by  my  last 
advices  is  a  bankrupt  and  a  swindler.  He  has  no 
effects  in  my  hands,  nor  is  he  ever  likely  to  have. 
I  am  sorry  for  your  disappointment,  but  I  cannot 
accept  your  bill  of  exchange."  I  snatched  the  let 
ter  out  of  his  hand  and  hurried  out  of  the  room, 
and  my  disappointment  was  almost  balanced  by  the 
pleasure  I  felt  at  this  early  confirmation  of  my  im 
pressions  with  regard  to  the  character  of  these 
republican  merchants,  who  I  was  satisfied,  from 
reading  the  Quarterly  Review,  never  paid  a  debt 
of  any  kind,  there  beingj  no  law  in  this  country  to 
oblige  them.  I  had  no  doubt  but  the  story  of  the 
drawer  of  my  bill,  (no  less  a  man  than  Mr.  Hen 
ry  Fauntleroy,  who  keeps  two  mistresses,  and 
three  splendid  establishments,)  being  a  bankrupt 
and  swindler,  was  a  fabrication,  invented  to  evade 


JOHN    BULL     IN    AMERICA,  55 

(he  payment.  Such  is  the  universal  practice  here, 
and  thus  is  the  reputation  of  half  the  merchants  of 
Britain  ruined  in  this  country.  The  genuine  re 
publican  merchant  never  stops  payment  and  com 
pounds  with  his  creditors,  (which  they  generally 
do  twice  or  thrice  a  year,)  without  putting  it  all 
upon  his  correspondents  in  England,  who  are,  in 
fact,  always  the  greatest  sufferers.  This  story 
they  all  make  a  point  of  believing,  because  they 
are  all,  or  soon  expect  to  be,  in  the  same  predica 
ment.  It  is  a  proof  of  the  generous  credulity  of 
honest  John  Bull  that  he  still  continues  to  trust, 
and  be  cheated  by  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democ 
racy,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

Relating  (he  story  of  my  disappointment  to  my 
worthy  landlord,  I  thought  he  looked  rather  shy, 
as  if  he  expected  it  to  be  the  prelude  to  a  long 
score.  But  I  at  once  satisfied  his  doubts  by  show 
ing  him  a  few  guineas,  to  convince  him  I  had 
other  resources,  and  telling  him  I  always  paid  my 
bill  every  Saturday  night.  He  then  resumed  his 
confidence,  and  proceeded  to  let  me  into  the  se 
crets  of  this  unprincipled  and  profligate  city, 
which  being  the  general  rendezvous  of  people  from 
all  parts  of  this  puissant  and  polished  republic,  (as 
the  Quarterly  calls  it,)  presents  at  one  view  a  pic 
ture  of*  the  blessings  of  pure  and  undefiled  demo 
cracy.  That  my  readers  may  have  the  clearer- 
idea  of  a  genuine  republican  city,  I  shall  be  more 
particular  in  my  description,  especially  as  this  is 


56  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

considered  as  the  very  pink  of  all  the  cities  of  the 
new  world. 

New-York,  the  capital  of  the  state  of  New-Jer 
sey,  so  called  from  being  originally  settled  b  y 
Yorkshire  horse  jockies,  is  situated  on  the  main 
land,  between  two  rivers,  about  the  size  of  the 
Thames,  though  not  quite  so  large,  that  being  un 
questionably  the  greatest  river  in  the  world.  That 
on  the  east  they  call  the  north,  and  that  on  the 
west,  the  east  river,  by  a  very  pardonable  blunder, 
as  it  would  be  taxing  the  spirit  of  democracy  too 
severely  to  preserve  the  least  acquaintance  with 
such  aristocratic  trumpery  as  the  points  of  the 
compass.  The  blessings  of  ignorance,  constitute 
the  basis  of  republicanism,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

Most  of  the  houses  are  built  of  pine  boards,  and 
generally  about  half  finished,  the  owners  for  the 
most  part  stopping  payment  before  the  work  is 
completed.  There  is  a  great  appearance  of  bustle, 
but  very  little  business  in  fact,  as  the  spirit  of  de 
mocracy  impels  these  people  to  make  a  great 
noise  about  nothing.  To  see  one  of  their  peddling 
merchants  staring  about  in  Wall-street,  one  would 
suppose  he  was  overwhelmed  with  the  most  mo 
mentous  affairs,  when,  if  the  truth  was  known,  his 
whole  morning's  business  consisted  in  purchasing  a 
dozen  birch  brooms,  or  a  pound  of  wafers.  There 
is  also  a  great  appearance  of  building  here,  but  thL 
is  partly  owing  to  the  necessity  of  new  house's  tt> 
replace  the  old  ones,  which  generally  tumble  to 


,  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA,  57 

pieces  at  the  end  of  three  or  four  years,  and  partly- 
owing  to  the  inveterate  habit  of  emigration  charac 
teristic  of  the  restless  spirit  of  democracy,  which 
prevents  the 'people  remaining  long  in  one  place. 
Hence  they  are  perpetually  on  the  move  from  one 
part  of  the  city  to  another.  Sometimes  whole 
streets  are  deserted  in  this  way,  and  then  as  new 
buildings  become  necessary,  the  cry  of  these  re 
publican  braggarts,  as  the  Quarterly  calls  them,  is 
about  the  number  of  houses  building,  and  the  vast 
increase  of  the  city.  Sometimes  they  pull  down 
a  street  and  build  it  up  again,  merely  to  impose 
upon  strangers  an  idea  of  its  prosperity,  and  attract 
emigrants  from  England,  although  those  who  have 
been  weak  enough  to  come  hither  for  the  last  six 
or  eight  years,  are,  with  the  exception  of  a  few, 
sent  home  by  the  British  Consul,  every  soul  of 
them  on  the  parish. 

The  people  of  New- York  may  be  divided  into 
three  classes,  those  that  beg,  those  that  borrow, 
and  those  that  steal.  Not  unfrequently,  however, 
all  these  professions  are  united  in  one  person,  as 
they  are  a  very  ingenious  people,  and  almost  every 
man  is  a  sort  of  Jack-of-all-trades.  The  beggars 
constitute  about  one  third  of  the  population,  and 
are  supported  with  great  liberality  by  the  other 
two  classes,  who  remembering  that  charity  covers 
x  multitude  of  sins,  make  use  of  its  broad  mantle 
in  this  way,  and  upon  the  strength  of  their  alms, 
claim  the  privilege  of  borrowing  without  ever  in 
tending  to  pay,  and  robbing  Peter  to  give  away  to 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

Paul.  One  of  the  most  popular  preachers  here  is 
a  most  notorious  gambler,  but,  at  the  same  time, 
is  considered  little  less  than  a  saint,  because  he 
professes  to  give  all  his  winnings  to  the  poor. 
Another  person,  an  alderman,  generally  breaks 
into  a  neighbour's  house  every  night,  but  as  he 
gives  away  all  his  plunder  in  alms,  he  is  one  of  the 
most  popular  men  in  the  city.  Another,  who  is  a 
judge  of  the  court,  generally  manages  to  pick  the 
pockets  of  both  the  parties  in  a  suit,  and  the  jury 
think  themselves  lucky  to  escape ;  yet  he  is  ador 
ed  for  his  liberality,  and  the  beggars  who  all  vote 
like  the  pigs,  talk  of  running  him  for  the  next 
governor. 

The  borrowers  consist  of  the  most  fashionable 
portion  of  the  community,  the  people  who  give 
parties,  ride  in  their  coaches,  and  hold  their  heads 
considerably  higher  than  the  beggars.  The  most 
approved  mode  of  practising  this  thriving  business 
is  this  :  A  gentleman  gives  a  grand  entertainment 
to  a  select  number  of  friends,  each  of  whom  he 
manages  to  intercept  as  they  go  out,  and  make 
them  pay  pretty  handsomely  for  dinner  in  the 
shape  of  a  loan.  When  one  set  gets  tired,  he  i»- 
vites  another,  and  so  on  till  his  debts  amount  to 
sufficient  to  make  it  worth  while,  when  he  affects 
to  stop  payment,  as  he  calls  it,  though  he  never 
began  yet ;  takes  the  benefit  of  the  laws  for  encou 
raging  debt  and  extravagance,  and  on  the  score  of 
his  numerous  charities,  is  generally  recommended 
for  some  public  office.  This  is  the  last  resort  of 


JOtfN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  5$ 

rogues,  in  this  pure  republican  system,  as  the 
Quarterly  affirms.  My  landlord,  the  gentleman  of 
colour,  who  was  in  the  habit  of  waiting  at  many 
of  these  great  dinners,  assured  me  he  did  not  re 
collect  but  a  single  instance  in  which  the  guests 
escaped  paying  the  piper  in  this  way,  when  the  en 
tertainer  let  them  off,  in  consequence  of  having 
picked  their  pockets  at  table.  I  asked  him  how 
it  happened  that  the  guests  did  not  resent  or  com 
plain  of  this  treatment.  u  0,"  replied  he,  "his 
diamond  cut  diamond — every  one  has  his  turn, 
and  it  amounts  to  an  equal  division  of  property  in 
the  end — a  republican  Agrarian  law,  as  the  Quar 
terly  says."  "What,  do  you  read  the  Quarterly  ?" 
said  I.  "0  yes ;  we  all  read  Massa  Quarterly—; 
he  loves  us  people  of  colour  so  much."  He  further 
assured  me  the  people  of  colour  had  it  one  time  in 
contemplation  to  send  out  half  a  dozen  of  their 
prettiest  ebony  lasses  to  England,  that  the  gentle 
men  of  the  Quarterly  might  have  their  choice  of 
them  for  wives.  But  the.  ladies  of  colour,  having 
been  persuaded  by  some  of  the  white  belles  of  fash 
ion,  who  envied  their  high  destinies,  that  all  these 
gentlemen  lived  in  Grub-street,  one  of  (he  most 
ungenteel  places  in  all  London,  turned  up  their 
pretty  pug  noses,  and  demurred  to  the  proposition. 
I  was  delighted  at  this  information,  which  not 
only  proved  the  extensive  circulation  of  this  valu 
able  Review,  but  like  wise  the  gratitude  of  the  peo 
ple  of  colour  for  the  exertions  of  its  conductors  in 
their  behalf.  It  is  enough  to  make  the  eye  of  phi* 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

lanthrophy  water  to  hear  as  I  have  done  that  such 
is  the  pride  of  these  beggarly  republicans,  that 
they  will  not  admit  a  gentleman  or  lady  of  colour 
to  any  intimacy  of  association,  insomuch  that  it  is 
considered  a  disgrace  to  enter  into  a  matrimonial 
connexion  with  them !  This  is  another  beautiful 
illustration  of  the  beggarly  pride  of  these  upstart 
republicans,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

The  class  of  pick-pockets,  shop-lifters,  and 
thieves  of  all  sorts,  is  probably  the  most  nume 
rous  of  the  whole  community.  Nobody  ventures 
to  carry  money  in  his  pocket,  and  when  the  la 
dies  go  out  shopping,  they  always  hold  their 
purses  in  their  hands.  Even  this  is  no  security, 
for  it  generally  happens  that  they  are  snatchexl 
away  before  they  have  gone  a  hundred  yards. 
One  of  the  shop-keepers  here  assured  me  it  seldom 
happened  that  a  lady  came  into  his  shop  without 
pocketing  a  piece  of  lace,  a  pair  of  gloves,  or  some 
thing  of  the  kind,  provided  they  could  not  get  at 
the  till.  It  is  the  universal  practice  to  search  them 
before  they  depart ;  and  from  long  habit  they  sub 
mit  to  this  as  quietly  as  lambs.  Plenty  of  compa 
ny  to  keep  them  in  countenance,  and  long  habit 
renders  them  indifferent  to  discovery,  as  the  shop 
man  assured  me.  Two  or  three  ladies  came  in 
meanwhile,  and  were  suffered  to  go  away  without 
being  searched  by  the  shopman,  who,  as  I  found 
to  my  cost  afterwards,  was  all  this  while  busily 
employed  in  emptying  my  pockets.  Yet,  for  all 
this,  do  these  bragging  republicans  boast  that  it  is 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  61 

unnecessary  for  the  country  people  to  lock  their 
doors  at  night.  My  landlord  assured  me  that 
this  was  the  fact,  but  that  it  arose  from  the  con 
viction  that  locking  them  would  be  of  no  service, 
every  rnan  being  exceedingly  expert  in  picking 
locks,  both  from  education  and  habit. 

"  The  consequence  of  all  this/'  continued  the 
worthy  gentleman  of  colour,  "  is  a  general,  I  may 
say  irremediable  relaxation  of  manners,  and  a  to 
tal  want  of  prudence  and  principle  in  all  classes. 
Drunkenness,  impiety,   insolence,   extravagance, 
ignorance,  brutality,  gluttony,  and  every  vice  that 
can  disgrace  human  nature,  are  the  ordinary  cha 
racteristics  of  these  spawn  of  filthy  democracy,  as 
the -Quarterly  says;  and  if  there  be  any  thing  in 
which  these  people  are  not  utterly  detestable,  it 
is  their  fondness  for  oysters,  which  enables  me  to 
get  a  tolerable  livelihood.     This  fondness  is  sharp 
ened  by  the  exquisite  relish  of  breaking  the  laws  at 
the  same  time  that  they  gratify  their  appetites — the 
corporation  of  the  city,  for  the  purpose  of  mono 
polizing,  having  enacted  that  no  oysters  shall  be 
brought  to  market  but  what  they  eat  themselves.'7 
Nothing,  indeed,  can  equal  the  tyranny  of  the  laws 
in  this  country  ;  nor  would  it  be  possible  to  live 
under  them,  did  not  the  turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy  compound  for  itself,  by  breaking  them  all 
without  ceremony. 

It  is  another  consequence  of  the  relaxation  of 
morals  among  these  virtuous  republicans,  that  the 
relaxation  of  the  laws,  is  in  proportion  to  the  re- 


62  JOHN    BULt    IN    AMERICA. 

laxation  of  morals,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  To  such 
an  extent  has  this  been  carried,  that  these  people 
may  be  said  to  have  no  laws  at  all.  All  sorts  of 
crimes  are  here  committed  with  perfect  impunity  ; 
and  it  is  a  common  saying,  that  it  requires  more 
interest  to  be  hanged,  than  to  attain  to  the  highest 
dignity  of  the  republic.  Drunkenness  is  here  the 
usual  and  infallible  apology  for  crime ;  and  as  the 
mass  of  the  people  are  usually  corned,  as  my  friend 
the  communicative  traveller  says,  this  excuse  is 
seldom  out  of  place.  But  what  puzzled  me,  after 
seeing  all  this,  was,  that  the  jails,  bridewells,  and 
penitentiaries,  which  abound  in  almost  every  street, 
were  full  of  people.  My  worthy  landlord,  how 
ever,  explained  this  to  my  satisfaction,  by  assuring 
me  that  such  was  the  abject  poverty  and  consequent 
misery  of  a  large  portion  of  these  patent  republi 
cans,  (as  the  Quarterly  says,)  that  they  actually 
broke  into  these  receptacles  by  force,  being  certain 
of  getting  board  and  lodging  for  nothing. 

I  was  struck  with  the  quantity  of  flies  and  mos- 
chetoes  that  infest  the  streets  and  houses  all  the 
year  round,  and  fly  into  one's  nose  and  ears  at  eve 
ry  convenient  opportunity,  where  the  latter  sing 
most  melodiously.  To  remedy  this  intolerable 
grievance,  there  is  luckily  a  species  of  spider 
which  spins  its  web  across  the  opening  of  the  ear, 
in  which  these  insects  are  caught.  It  is  no  uncom 
mon  thing  to  see  half  a  dozen  or  more  flies  and 
moschetoes  dangling  in  the  ear  of  a  fine  lady. 
There  is  a  law  to  prevent  the  destruction  of  these 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  63 

spiders,  as  there  is  against  killing  the  turkey-buz 
zards,  which  abound  here,  and  are  the  only  street 
scavengers,  if  we  except  the  citizen  pig  freeholders, 
as  the  Quarterly  calls  them. 


64 


CHAP.  IV. 

NEW-YORK. 

Total  absence  of  religion — Indivisibility  of  a  king  and  a  divinity, 
and  of  democracy  and  impiety — Examples  of  the  Puritans  and 
Charles  the  Second — Necessity  of  wealth,  honours,  and  exclu 
sive  privileges,  to  the  very  existence  of  religion — Quarterly — 
Barbarous  love  of  finery — Mode  of  procuring  it — Ignorance — 
Story  of  a  blue  stocking — Lord  Bacon — 111  manners — Total 
neglect  of  education — American  chancellor  of  the  exchequer 
can't  write  his  name- — House  of  representatives  obliged  to  have 
a  clerk  to  read  for  them  ! — Attempt  of  an  English  lady  to  esta 
blish  a  boarding  school,  and  its  result — French  dancing-mas 
ters,  how  treated,  &c. 

ONE  of  the  first  things  that  disgusts  a  pious 
man,  as  all  Englishmen,  particularly  English  tra 
vellers,  are,  is  the  horrible  profanation  of  the 
Sabbath  in  this  town.  This  contempt  of  reli 
gion  and  its  observances  arises  partly  out  of  the 
turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  and  partly  from 
the  want  of  a  privileged  church  establishment, 
such  as  has  made  Great-Britain  the  bulwark  of 
religion  in  all  ages,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  There 
is  in  the  first  place  such  a  natural  and  indivisible 
association  between  a  king  reigning  over  his  peo- 


JOHN  BUJLL  IN  AMERICA.  65 

pel  by  divine  right,  and  divinity  itself,  that  it  is 
next  to  impossible  a  true  subject  should  not  be  a 
true  believer.  On  the  contrary,  the  pure  spirit  of 
democracy,  which  rejects  the  divine  right  of  kings, 
will  naturally  resist  every  other  divine  right,  and 
thus  it  has  happened  that  impiety  and  rebellion  have 
ever  gone  hand  in  hand.  Every  person  versed  in 
the  history  of  England  must'be  familiar  with  innu 
merable  examples  of  this  truth.  Waving  a  refer 
ence  to  all  others,  it  is  sufficient  to  recollect  the 
total  relaxation  of  religion  and  morals  which  pre 
vailed  among  the  Puritans  who  rebelled  against 
Charles  the  martyr,  and  the  brilliant  revival  of  pi 
ety  and  the  church  on  the  accession  of  his  son.  In 
fact,  it  is  a  maxim  with  all  orthodox  writers,  that 
a  pious  people  will  always  be  obedient  to  their 
sovereign,  not  so  much  because  he  governs  well, 
as  because  he  governs  by  divine  right. 

A  few  obvious  positions  will  in  like  manner  de 
monstrate  the  absolute  necessity  of  a  liberally  en 
dowed,  exclusively  privileged  church  establish 
ment,  like  that  of  England.  Money  is  universally 
held  to  be  the  sinew  of  war;  and  inasmuch  as  mo 
ney  is  essentially  necessary  to  enable  the  sovereign 
to  defend  and  maintain  the  rights  and  interests  of 
the  government,  so  is  it  equally  necessary  to  enable 
the  bishops  and  dignitaries  of  the  church  to  defend 
the  consciences  of  the  people  against  the  dissenters, 
and  all  other  enemies  of  the  church,  as  the  Quarter 
ly  says.  It  is  a  pure  democratic  absurdity  to  sup-: 
pose  that  men  will  fight  for  their  country  from 
6* 


66  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

mere  patriotic  feelings,  or  that  they  will  preach  for 
nothing.  Hence  it  is  essentially  necessary,  that 
both  should  be  equally  well  paid  ;  for  as  the  pro 
mise  of  the  plunder  of  a  city  stimulates  the  soldier 
to  acts  of  heroism,  so  in  like  manner  will  the  pro 
mise  of  a  good  living  of  ten  or  fifteen  thousand 
sterling  a,  year,  equally  stimulate  the  dignitary  of 
the  established  church  to  fight  the  good  fight  of 
faith  the  more  manfully. 

In  fact,  as  the  Quarterly  says,  "  the  want  of  an 
established  church  has  made  the  bulk  of  the  peo 
ple  either  infidels  or  fanatics."  There  will  never 
be  any  pure  religion  here  until  they  have  an  arch 
bishop  of  Armagh  with  60,000  acres  of  glebe,  and 
a  bishop  of  Derry  with  150,000.  It  is  these  and 
similar  noble  establishments  in  Ireland  that  have 
made  the  people  of  that  country  so  orthodox,  and 
so  devoted  to  the  king. 

This  mode  of  stimulating  the  zeal  of  pious  digni 
taries  by  wealth  and  honours,  is  accompanied  with 
other  special  advantages,  In  proportion  as  the 
hierarchy  is  enriched  by  the  spoils  of  the  people, 
the  latter  becoming  comparatively  poor,  are  pre 
cluded  by  necessity  from  indulging  in  vicious  ex 
travagance  and  corrupt  enjoyments.  They  will 
practise  per  force,  abstinence,  economy,  self-de- 
dial,  and  the  other  domestic  virtues  so  essential 
to  the  welfare  of  the  lower  orders.  Hence  it  is 
sufficiently  obvious  that  in  proportion  as  you  cur 
tail  the  superfluities  of  the  commonalty  by  taxes, 
tithes,  high  rents,  and  poor  rates  you  guaranty  to 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  67 

them  the  practice  of  almost  all  the  cardinal  virtues, 
as  the  Quarterly  says.  Again :  In  proportion  as 
the  people  become  poor,  they  will  necessarily  pay 
less  attention  to  the  education  of  their  children  ; 
and  I  fear  no  denial,  except  from  radicals,  demo 
crats  and  atheists,  when  I  assert,  that  considering 
the  mischievous  books  now  in  circulation  on  the 
subject  of  liberty  and  such  impieties,  the  greatest 
blessing  that  could  possibly  happen  to  the  lower 
orders  would  be  the  loss  of  the  dangerous  faculty 
of  reading.  In  no  age  of  the  world  were  this  class 
of  people  so  devoted  to  the  honour  of  the  priests, 
and  the  glory  of  their  kings,  and  consequently  to 
the  interests  of  religion  and  human  rights,  as  when 
a  large  portion  of  them  could  not  read,  and  were 
without  any  property  they  could  call  their  own. 
I  appeal  to  the  whole  history  of  mankind  for  proof 
of  the  maxim,  that  ignorance  and  poverty  are  the 
two  pillars  of  a  privileged  church,  and  the  divine 
right  of  kings. 

It  may  be  urg;ed  by  radicals,  democrats,  and  un 
believers,  that  the  same  rule  which  ordains  the 
diminution  of  certain  vices  by  the  absence,  equally 
ordains  their  proportionate  increase  by  the  multi 
plication  of  the  means  of  their  gratifi  ration.  That 
consequently  the  rich  prelates  and  nobility  must 
necessarily  become  corrupt  in  proportion  to  the 
increase  of  their  wealth.  But  even  admitting  this 
to  be  true,  the  people  are  gainers  by  the  arrange 
ment,  since,  by  this  means,  their  sins  and  trans 
gressions  are  shifted  upon  their  superiors,  who  an- 


OS  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

s\ver  the  end  of  a  sort  of  scape-goats,  or  peace- 
offerings,  under  cover  of  which  the  poor  entirely 
escape.  It  is  therefore* plain,  that  the  more  rich 
and  wicked  the  privileged  few  become,  the  more, 
will  the  lower  orders  be  exempt  from  both.  Let 
us  hear  no  more  then  of  the  impious  slang  of  de 
mocracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says,  which  would  per 
suade  poor  deluded  innocence  and  ignorance  that 
equal  rights  and  a  general  diffusion  of  knowledge, 
answer  any  other  end  than  to  make  people  thieves, 
murderers,  gougers,  bundlers,  unbelievers,  blas 
phemers,  rowdies,  and  regulators,  and,  to  sum  up 
all  in  one  word,  republicans. 

When  it  is  recollected,  therefore,  that  the  es 
sence  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  consists 
equally  in  the  rejection  of  the  divine  right  of  the 
king,  and  the  equally  divine  right  of  the  bishops, 
and  deans,  and  arch-deacons,  to  their  thousands  a 
year,  it  will  readily  be  conceded  that  a  pure  repub 
lican  cannot  possibly   have   any  religion,  as   the 
Quarterly  has  sufficiently  proved.     Accordingly, 
as  I  before  observed,  the  first  thing  that  strikes  a 
stranger  who  is  used  to  the  exemplary  modes  of 
keeping  the   Sabbath    in   London    and   all    other 
parts  of  England,  is  the  total  neglect  of  that  day 
in  all  parts  of  the  United  States.      In  New- York, 
indeed,  there    are  plenty  of  churches,  but   they 
were  all  built  before  the  millennium  of  democra 
cy,  as  the  Quarterly  says,  and  under  the  pious  au 
spices  of  our  established  church.     The  first  thing 
these  blessed  republicans  did  when  they  returned 
to  the  city,  on  the  conclusion  of  the  peace,  was  to 


JOHN  BULL  IU  AMERICA.  69 

break  all  the  church  windows,  and  so  they  have 
remained  ever  since.  One  of  them  has  a  ring  of 
eight  copper  kettles,  instead  of  bells,  which  being 
rung  by  the  old  deaf  sexton,  gives  singular  satis 
faction  to  the  commonalty — I  beg  pardon — the  so 
vereign  people — who  assemble  on  Sundays  to  dance 
to  the  music  in  front  of  the  church.  As  to  going 
to  church  to  hear  divine  service,  nobody  pretends 
to  such  anti-republican  foolery.  The  shops  are  all 
kept  open  on  Sundays,  so  that  one  can  see  no  dif 
ference  between  that  and  any  other  day,  except 
that  the  good  folks  drink  twice  as  much  whiskey., 
and  put  on  their  Sunday  suits,  in  which  they  stag 
ger  about  with  infinite  dignity,  until  finally  they 
generally  tumble  into  the  gutter,  spoil  their  finery, 
and  sleep  themselves  sober.  Such  are  the  genu 
ine  habits  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  as 
the  Quarterly  says.  My  worthy  landlord  assured 
me  that  the  African  church  was  the  only  one  in 
which  there  was  a  chance  of  hearing  a  sermon, 
and  that  even  there,  the  whole  congregation  was 
sometimes  taken  up  and  carried  to  the  watch-house, 
under  pretence  that  they  disturbed  the  neighbour 
hood  with  their  groanings,  howlings,  and  other 
demonstrations  of  genuine  piety.  The  true  reason 
was,  however,  that  these  bundling,  gouging  demo 
crats,  as  the  Quarterly  calls  them,  have  such  a  bit 
ter  hostility  to  all  sorts  of  religion,  that  they  can 
not  bear  even  the  poor  negroes  should  sing  psalms. 
However,  as  it  is  the  first  duty  of  a  Christian  to 
hide  the  faults,  and  draw  a  veil  over  the  transgres- 


70  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

sions  of  his  fellow-men,  I  shall  abstain  from  any 
further  comments  on  the  horrible  depravity  of  re 
publicanism  in  general,  and  Yankee  republicanism 
in  particular.  I  must  not  omit  to  mention,  how 
ever,  that  in  this,  as  well  as  every  other  town  in 
the  United  States,  there  is  a  society  for  the  propa 
gation  of  unbelief,  secretly  supported  by  the  go 
vernment,  most  of  the  principal  officers  of  which 
are  members.  Their  exertions  were  inveterate 
and  unceasing,  and  they  displayed  the  same  zeal 
in  making  an  atheist  of  a  devout  Christian  that  we 
do  in  the  conversion  of  a  Jew.  Of  late  these  so 
cieties  have  remitted  their  labours  in  consequence 
of  there  being  no  more  Christians  to  work  upon. 

The  love  of  dress,  glitter,  and  finery,  is  one  of 
the  characteristics  of  a  rude  and  republican  people  ; 
of  course  we  see  it  displayed  here  in  all  its  barba 
rous  extravagance.  Every  thing  the}^  can  beg, 
borrow,  hire,  or  steal,  is  put  on  their  backs,  and  a 
fine  lady  somewhat  resembles  a  vessel  dressed  in 
the  colours  of  all  nations.  It  is  impossible  to  tell 
what  flag  she  sails  under.  This  finery  is  for  the 
most  part  hired  by  the  day  of  the  milliners  and 
pawn- brokers,  and  there  are  dresses  which  can  be 
had  at  from  two  shillings  to  a  dollar  a  day.  The 
first  young  ladies  of  the  city,  who  never  know 
their  own  minds,  but  always  "  guess"  at  it,  as  the 
Quarterly  says,  principally  figure  in  these  hired 
dresses;  and  it  is  by  no  means  uncommon  for  one 
of  them  to  be  hauled  out  of  the  city  assembly,  or  a 
fashionable  party,  by  a  pawn-broker,  in  consequence 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  71 

of  having  kept  the  dress  longer  than  the  time  spe 
cified.  One  might  suppose  such  an  accident  would 
disturb  the  harmony  of  the  company,  but  the  other 
young  ladies  continue  to  dance  away  without  tak 
ing  any  notice  of  the  unfortunate  Cinderella,  thus 
stript  of  her  finery,  or  perhaps  content  themselves 
with  guessing  what  the  matter  may  be.  I  ought 
to  mention  here,  that  though  the  young  ladies  al 
ways  "  guess/'  the  young  gentlemen  are  common 
ly  given  to  "  reckoning"  upon  a  thing,  a  phrase 
which  becomes  exceedingly  familiar  by  a  long  ha 
bit  of  running  up  scores  at  taverns. 

Notwithstanding  all  the  cant  and  boasting  of 
these  turbulent  democrats  about  the  necessity  of 
education  to  self-government,  the  general  diffusion 
of  intelligence,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  it  is  most 
amazing  to  see  the. ignorance  of  the  best  educated 
people  here.  A  young  lady  of  the  first  fashion, 
who  can  read  writing,  is  considered  a  phenome 
non  ;  while  she  who  has  read  Lord  Byron  is  held 
a  blue  stocking,  and  avoided  by  all  the  dandies  for 
fear  she  should  puzzle  them  with  her  learning. 
Such,  indeed,  is  the  natural  antipathy  of  genuine 
republicanism  to  all  sorts  of  literature,  that  the  on 
ly  possible  way  of  teaching  the  little  children  their 
a,  b,  c,  is  by  appealing  to  their  inordinate  appe 
tites  in  the  shape  of  gingerbread  letters  well  sweet 
ened  with  molasses.  The  seduction  is  irresistible, 
for  no  genuine  Yankee  republican  can  make  head 
against  treacle.  I  one  night,  at  a  literary  party, 
happened  to  mention  some  opinion  from  Lord  Ba- 


JOHN  BVLL  IN  AMERICA. 

con  to  a  young  lady  who  had  the  reputation  of  her 
ing  rather  blue.     "  Bacon — Bacon,"  replied  she 
briskly—"  0  !  I  guess  we  call  it  gammon.     But 
we  don't  put  <  Lord3  to  it,  because  it's  anti-repub 
lican."     I  took  occasion  to  apprize  her  with  as  lit 
tle  appearance  of  contempt  as  possible,  that  our 
Bacon  was  not  gammon,  nor  ham,  but  no  less  a 
personage  than   the  present  Lord   Chancellor  of 
England,  the  sole  inventor  and  propounder  of  hu 
man  reason,  and  the  noble  art  of  philosophy.     "  I 
guess  he  must  have  made  a  power  of  money  by 
it,"  said  the  learned  lady.     "  Did  he  get  a  patten 
for  his  invention?  We  always  get  pattens  for  any 
great  discoveries  in  Jlmerrykey."    Upon  this  she 
started  up,  ran  giggling  over  to  some  of  her  set, 
and  continued  the  whole  evening  laughing  at  me, 
thus  joining  ill-manners  to  ignorance.     But  what 
can  you  expect  from  a  gang  of  barbarians,  among 
whom  learning  is  considered  anti-republican,  as  the 
young  lady  said ;  where,  to  be  able  to  read,  is  an 
insuperable  obstacle  to  promotion,  and  where  the 
present  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  of  the  Unit- 
ted  States,  who  is  considered  as  one  of  their  best 
scholars,  signs  his  name  with  ^fac-simile^  that  is, 
by  deputy  ?     This  deputy  they  were  obliged  to 
send  to  England  for,  on  account  of  the  few  persons 
who'could  write  being  all  engaged  in  forging  the 
signatures  of  bank  notes.  Even  the  house  of  repre 
sentatives,  where  all  the  wisdom  and  learning  of 
the  nation  assembles,  is  obliged  to  employ  a  clerk 
to  read  the  papers,  messages,  &c.,  for  the  edifica- 


JOHN  BULL  IX  AMERICA.  73 

tion  of  the  country  members,  whose  education  has 
been  neglected  in  that  respect. 

To  sum  up  my  remarks  on  the  subject  of  litera 
ture  here,  I  may  say  with  perfect  truth  and  impar 
tiality,    that  the    education  of  youth  consists  in 
learning  to  drink  whiskey,  eat  tobacco,  love  dirt 
and  debauchery,  despise  religion,  and  hate  kings. 
An  English  lady  attempted  to  establish  a  boarding- 
school  for  young  ladies  a  few  years  ago,  but  the 
genius  of  democracy  would  not  submit  to  her  sa 
lutary  restrictions.     The  young  ladies  first  pout 
ed,  then  broke  into  the  kitchen,   where  they  de 
voured  all  they  could  find,  and  came  very  near 
eating  up  the  black  cook,  and  finally  set  fire  to  the 
house,    and  ran  away  by  the  light  of  it ;    since 
then,   nobody  has  been  hardy  enough  to  set  up  a 
school  for  young  ladies,  except  two  or  three  des 
perate  Frenchmen.     These  confine  themselves  to 
teaching  them  to  dance,  which  being  an  art  conge 
nial  to  savages,  they  acquire  with  considerable  do 
cility.     They  sometimes,  to  be  sure,  pummel  the 
poor  Frenchmen  black  and  blue  with  the  heels  of 
their  shoes  ;  but  candour  obliges  me  to  say,  that  I 
never  heard  of  their  tearing  the  dancing  master  in 
pieces,  or  eating  him  up  alive. 


74 


CHAP.  VII. 


NEW-YORK. 

Quotations  from  the*  Quarterly — Poverty  of  invention  and  wan? 
of  originality  of  republicans — Dr.  Watts — Emigrants,  their 
situation  here — Story  of  one — Author  advises  him  to  go  home 
and  tell  his  story  to  the  editor  of  the  Quarterly — Promises  .him 
a  free  passage  to  England — Reflections,  Stc. 

ONE  may  truly  say,  with  the  Quarterly,*  "  the 
scum  of  all  the  earth  is  drifted  into  New- York," 
notwithstanding  what  Miss  Wright  and  Captain 
Hall  may  affirm  to  the  contrary,  in  their  flippant 
farragoes  and  "  prostitute  rhapsodies,  and  of  im 
piety,  malevolence,  and  radical  trash,"  as  the 
Quarterly  says.  "  Godless  reprobates,  brutal  and 
ferocious  tyrants,  thieves,  swindlers,  and  murder 
ers,"  as  the  Quarterly  says,  "  make  up  the  mass 
of  the  population."  "  Robberies,  burglaries,  and 
attempts  at  murder,  disgrace  the  city  every  day; 
and  one  cannot  walk  the  streets  in  the  daylight, 
without  seeing  fellows  lay  in  the  gutters,  with 
broken  legs,  arms,  &c.  who  continue,  day  after  day, 
without  being  noticed  by  the  nightly  watch,  or 
the  open  day  of  humanity,  to  roast  in  the  sun,  and 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN   BULL     IN    AMERICA.  75 

be  devoured  by  the  flies,"  as  the  Quarterly  says. 
Indeed,  I  can  safely,  and  from  experience,  affirm 
the  Quarterly  is  perfectly  justified  in  asserting 
that,  "  Insolence  of  demeanour  is  mistaken  for 
high-minded  independence. "  No  reputable  English 
traveller  ever  saw  man,  woman,  or  child,  blush 
here,  except  a  few  English  people,  not  yet  pro 
perly  acclimated — that  the  speeches  of  lawyers'and 
members  of  congress  are  all  jargon  and  nonsense — 
that  the  preachers  of  the  gospel  all  bellow  out  their 
sermons  in  their  shirt  sleeves — that  the  judges  are. 
for  the  most  part,  worse  criminals  than  those  they 
try — that  dogs  are  trained  to  hunt  young  negroes, 
instead  of  to  point  game — that  men,  women, 
children,  negroes,  strangers,  all  congregate  to 
gether,  at  night,  in  one  room — -that  not  one  in  ten 
of  the  slaves  die  a  natural  death,  being,  for  the 
most  part,  whipped  till  they  mortify,  and  the  flies 
eat  them — that  the  moral  air  is  putrid — that  the 
land  is  all  hung  up  in  the  air  to  dry* — that  the  air 
is  one  animated  region  of  flies,  moschetoes,  and 
other  noxious  insects ;  and  that  such  is  the  influence 
of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  not  only  upon 
the  moral  and  physical  qualities  of  the  people,  but 
upon  the  very  elements  themselves,  that  the  one 
is  not  less  perverted  than  the  other.  All  this  I 
am  ready  to  swear  to,  and  so  is  the  Quarterly  Re 
view.  Respect  for  the  precept  of  our  pure  Eng 
lish  orthodoxy,  which  inculcates  charity  and  good 
will  to  all  men,  prevents  my  indulging  any  further 
*  Vide  Jfo.  58,  Quarterly. 


76  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

upon  this  topic.  For  the  present,  I  will  content 
myself  with  summing  up  the  characters  of  these 
patent  republicans,  in  the  words  of  the  Quarterly. 
"  Fools  must  not  come  here,  for  the  Americans 
are  naturally  cold,  jealous,  suspicious,  and  knavish 
—without  any  sense  of  honour.  They  believe 
every  man  a  rogue  until  they  see  the  contrary — 
and  there  is  no  other  way  of  managing  them  ex 
cept  by  bullying.  They  have  nothing  original ; 
all  that  is  good  or  new  is  done  by  foreigners,  and 
yet  they  boast  eternally.  "*  In  proof  of  this  I  may 
add,  that  they  claim  every  thing,  and  have  even 
attempted,  as  I  before  observed,  to  rob  poor  Dr. 
Watts  of  the  credit  of  having  invented  the  steam 
boat.  I  have  little  doubt  but  they  will  lay  claim 
to  his  psalm  book  before  long.  There  is  every  day 
some  invention  trumped  up  here,  which  has  been 
exploded  and  forgotten  in  England,  and  for  which 
a  patent  is  procured  without  any  difficulty.  It  is 
only  to  swear  to  its  originality,  and  that  is  a  cere 
mony^  which  no  genuine  republican  will  hesitate 
a  moment  in  going  through.  This  city  is  full  of 
foreigners  ;  but  what  can  possibly  induce  them  to 
come  here,  I  cannot  conceive.  I  have  not  met 
with  a  single  Englishman  that  was  not  grumbling 
at  his  situation,  and  discontented  with  every  thing 
around  him.  The  inns  are  filthy — the  boarding 
houses  not  fit  to  live  in-— the  waiters  negligent  and 
saucy — the  wines  poison — and  the  cooking  exe 
crable.  Yet  they  remain  here  with  an  unwarranta 
ble  pertinacity,  in  spite  not  only  of  the  Quarterly, 
*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  77 

but  of  the  bitter  lessons  of  experience  they  receive 
every  hour. 

One  morning  as  I  was  walking  up  Chesnut-street, 
the  principal  promenade  in  New- York,  I  saw  a 
poor  drunken  fellow  wallowing  in  the  gutter,  and 
.talking  to  himself  about  Old  England.  This  cir 
cumstance,  together  with  his  dialect,  which  partook 
somewhat  of  the  Yorkshire  purity,  excited  my 
curiosity  and  commiseration.  I  helped  him  up, 
conducted  him  to  my  lodgings,  and  put  him  to  bed 
to  sleep  himself  sober.  After  waking,  and  refresh 
ing  himself  with  a  dozen  stewed  oysters,  I  inquired 
his  history.  His  tale  so  happily  illustrates  the  com 
mon  fate  of  English  emigrants,  to  this  El  Dorado, 
(as  the  Quarterly  caljs  it,)  that  I  shall  give  it  in 
his  own  words  as  nearly  as  possible.  The  poor 
man  could  neither  read  nor  write,  and  had  been,  as 
will  be  perceived,  the  dupe  of  those  interested 
speculators  and  agents  of  this  government,  who 
write  books  to  deceive  the  ignorant  and  unwary 
English. 

"  I  was  very  comfortably  situated  in  Old  Eng 
land,  the  land  of  liberty,  religion,  and  roast  beef, 
except  that  one-fourth  of  my  earnings  went  to  the 
tax-gatherer,  another  to  the  poor  rates,  and  an 
other  to  the  parson  and  landlord.  But  still,  as  I 
said  before,  I  was  happy  and  contented  ;  when  I 
happened  to  read  Mr.  Birkbeck's  "  radical  trash," 
as  the  Quarterly  says,  which  turned  my  head, 
and  put  me  quite  out  of  conceit  with  the  bless 
ings  of  English  roast  beef  and  English  liberty. 


78  JOHN   BULL    IN   AMERICA. 

Just  about  this  time  the  man  came  round,  to  tax 
my  house,  my  land,  my  horses,  oxen,  cattle,  ser 
vants,  windows,  and  a  dozen  or  two  more  small 
matters.  A  little  while  after  the  parson  sent  for 
his  tithes,  the  landlord  for  his  rent,  and  the  over 
seers  of  the  poor  for  the  poor  rates.  All  these 
coming  just  upon  the  back  of  Mr,  Birkbeck's  mis 
chievous  book,  put  me  quite  out  of  patience,  so  I 
made  up  my  mind  to  emigrate  to  America. 

"  I  sold  off  all  that  I  had,  turned  it  into  English 
guineas,  and  went  down  to  Liverpool,  where  I 
took  passage.  Supposing  I  should  have  no  use  for 
money  in  the  States,  after  paying  my  passage, 
I  spent  the  rest  in  treating  my  fellow  passengers 
at  the  tavern,  and  set  sail  with  empty  pockets,  yet 
full  of  spirits.  The  Captain  was  a  full-blooded  Yan 
kee  democrat,  and  the  greatest  little  tyrant  in  the 
world.  He  held  that  it  was  much  better  to  steal 
than  to  labour,*  and  by  way  of  illustrating  his  the 
ory,  robbed  me  of  twenty  guineas  on  the  passage. 
On  my  remonstrating  with  him,  he  told  me  that  it 
was  the  universal  custom  of  his  country,  and  I 
might  make  it  up  on  my  arrival  in  New- York,  by 
robbing  the  first  man  I  met  with. 

((  Our  passage  was  long,  and  as  the  Captain  had 
xnot  laid  in  half  provisions  enough,  we  were  oblig 
ed  to  cast  lots,  at  the  end  of  a  fortnight,  who 
should  be  killed  and  eaten.  The  first  lot  fell  upon 
me,  but  I  bribed  a  poor  simple  fellow  with  a 
guinea  to  take  my  place.  Our  Captain  insisted 

*  Vide  S8th  No  of  the  Quarterly. 


JOHJU   BULL    IN    AMERICA.  79 

upon  the  privilege  of  knocking  the  man  on  the 
head,  it  being  one  of  his  greatest  delights ;  there 
was  nothing  he  preferred  to  it,  except  hunting  lit 
tle  people  of  colour  with  bloodhounds.  Out  often 
passengers  in  the  steerage,  I  was  the  only  one  that 
got  to  New-York  alive,  the  rest  being  all  killed 
and  eaten.  When  I  stepped  ashore,  I  was  so  hun 
gry,  and  had  got  such  an  inveterate  habit  of  eating 
human  flesh,  that  I  immediately  laid  hold  of  a  fat 
fellow,  and  bit  a  piece  out  of  his  cheek.  Unlucki 
ly  he  turned  out  to  be  an  alderman,  and  I  was 
forthwith  taken  to  the  bridewell,  where  I  made 
acquaintance  with  several  of  the  most  fashionable 
people  of  the  city,  who  generally  spend  a  part  of 
their  time  there.  I  had  read  of  this  in  the  Quar 
terly,  but  did  not  believe  it  till  now;  and  when  I 
get  home  to  Old  England,!  intend  to  publish  it  all 
in  a  book  of  travels.  I  shall  make  a  good  round 
sum  by  it,  if  I  can  only  get  one,  of  the  Reviewers 
to  write  it  down  for  me,  and  say  a  good  word  in 
the  way  of  criticism. 

"The  bridewell  is  a  pleasant  place  enough.  Once 
a  week  they  have  an  assembly  ;  on  Sunday  they 
play  at  all  fours,  and  every  day  in  the  week  they 
tipple  delightfully,  in  company  with  the  judges  of 
the  court,  the  corporation,  and  a  select  number  of 
the  clergy.  For  my  part,  I  should  not  have  mind 
ed  spending  the  rest  of  my  days  there  ;  but  this 
was  too  great  a  luxury.  So  I  was  turned  out  at 
the  end  of  a  fortnight,  to  make  room  for  a  lady  of 


80  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

fashion,  who  was  caught  stealing  a  pig  in  Broad 
way.  From  the  bridewell  I  went  sauntering 
down  the  street,  expecting  every  moment  some 
one  would  call  out  to  me  to  come  and  do  some  lit 
tle  job,  and  pay  me  a  dollar  for  it.  But  I  might 
have  saved  myself  the  trouble,  for  not  a  soul  took  the 
least  notice  of  me,  until  at  last  an  honest  fellow 
slapped  me  on  the  shoulder,  called  me  country 
man,  and  asked  me  into  a  tavern  to  take  a  swipes. 
"  Having  been  somewhat  corrupted  by  the  fash 
ionable  society  in  bridewell,  I  suffered  myself  to 
be  seduced,  and  went  in  with  him.  Here,  while 
we  sat  drinking,  I  told  him  my  situation,  and  the 
difficulty  I  had  in  getting  employment.  He  asked 
me  if  I  was  a  sober  man,  and  on  my  assuring  him 
I  never  drank  any  thing  stronger  than  water,  ex 
claimed,  '  By  my  soul,  brother,  but  that  is  the 
very  reason.  Nobody  ever  thinks  of  employing 
a  sober  man  here,  and  if  you  look  for  work  till 
doomsday,  you  will  never  find  it,  unless  you  qua 
lify  yourself  by  seeing  double,  by  which  means 
you'll  get  two  jobs  for  onet'  I  told  him  I  had  no 
money,  and  if  I  had,  nothing  should  tempt  me  to 
drink.  '  O,  ho!'  cried  he,  'You've  no  money 
to  pay  your  shot,  have  you?'  So  he  fell  upon  me 
and  gouged  out  both  my  eyes,  besides  biting  off  a 
good  part  of  my  nose,  under  pretence  that  I  had 
spunged  upon  him,  as  he  called  it ;  but  the  landlord 
afterwards  assured  me,  it  was  only  because  I  would 
not  drink,  it  being  the  custom  here  to  beat  people 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  Si 

to  death,  or  roast  them  alive,  if  they  won't  get 
drunk. 

"  Finding  it  was  the  custom  of  the  country,  and 
that  there  was  no  getting  along  without  it,  and  that 
drink  I  must  or  starve,  I  took  to  the  bottle,  and 
soon  got  employment  in  sweeping  the  streets  and 
other  miscellaneous  matters.  Agreeably  to  the 
good  old  maxims  of  English  prudence,  I  determin 
ed  in  my  own  mind,  only  to  drink  up  three-fourths 
of  my  wages,  arid  to  save  the  rest,  to  buy  a  farm 
in  the  western  country,  where  I  intended  to  go  and 
set  up  for  a  member  of  congress,  when  I  had 
qualified  myself  by  being  able  to  walk  a  crack  af 
ter  swallowing  half  a  gallon  of  whiskey.  But  my 
prudential  resolves  were  of  no  avail,  for  the  gen 
tlemen  sweepers  told  me  it  was  against  the  law  to 
save  our  wages.  On  my  demurring  to  this,  they 
took  me  before  the  judge,  who  decreed  me  a  beat 
ing,  besides  taking  away  the  money  I  had  saved, 
which  he  laid  out  in  liquor,  and  we  got  merry  to 
gether. 

"  Seeing  there  was  no  use  in  laying  up  money, 
I  thought  it  best  to  follow  the  custom,  and  from 
that  time,  regularly  spent  at  night  what  I  earned 
during  the  day.  I  led  a  jolly  life  of  it,  but  it  was, 
like  the  bridewell,  too  good  to  last  for  ever.  I  fell 
sick,  owing  to  the  unhealthiness  of  the  climate, 
where  a  large  portion  of  the  people  die  off  every 
year. — They  carried  me  to  the  hospital,  where 
they  would  not  give  me  a  mouthful  of  liquor ;  kept 
me  upon  soup  diet,  and  cut  off  iny  leg  by  way  of 


32  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA, 

experiment,  with  a  handsaw.  Ho\v  I  ever  got  well, 
and  got  my  leg  on  again,  I  cannot  tell ;  but  you 
will  hardly  believe  it,  when  I  assure  you,  that 
after  keeping  me  here  in  perfect  idleness  for  six 
weeks,  and  curing  me,  they  most  inhumanly  turn 
ed  me  out  into  the  streets  to  begin  the  world  again ! 
That  emigrants  to  this  land  of  promise,  should  be 
obliged  to  work  for  a  living,  was  too  had,  and  I 
determined  not  to  submit  to  such  an  imposition  ; 
so  I  snapt  my  fingers  at  them,  swore  I  would  see 
them  hanged  first,  and  threatened  them  with  the 
vengeance  of  the  Quarterly.  (  This  is  a  pretty  free 
country,  to  be  sure,'  said  I,  (  where  a  poor  emi 
grant  is  obliged  to  work  for  a  living.' 

"  Walking  in  a  melancholy  mood  down  the 
street,  I  all  at  once  thought  of  what  the  captain  of 
the  Yankee  ship  told  me  about  its  being  the  univer 
sal  opinion  and  practice  here,  that  it  was  much 
easier  to  get  a  thing  by  stealing  than  working  for  it. 
This  sophistry  of  the  captain  corrupted  me  on  the 
spot,  and  I  took  the  first  opportunity  of  putting 
the  theory  into  practice  by  cabbaging  a  watch  out 
of  a  window,  which  hung  so  invitingly  that  I  could 
not  resist  the  temptation.  I  put  it  into  my  pocket 
till  I  got  to  the  church,  where  I  pulled  it  out  in 
order  to  set  it  by  the  clock.  Just  at  that  moment 
a  fellow  with  all  the  characteristic  insolence  of 
democracy,  (as  the  Quarterly  says,)  laid  hold  of 
me  and  the  watch,  and  before  I  could  muster  pre 
sence  of  mind  to  knock  the  impudent  rascal  down, 
carried  me  to  the  police,  where  I  was  examined 


JOHN     BULL    IN    AMERICA.  S 

and  committed.  Instead  of  enjoying  myself .  in 
jail  for  a  year  or  two,  according  to  the  custom  of 
old  England,  before  trial,  I  was  brought  up  the 
very  next  day,  tried,  sentenced,  and  accommodat- 
/  ed  for  three  years  in  the  state-prison,  before  I 
*•  could  say  Jack  Robinson.  It  was  in  vain  I  pleaded 
the  custom  of  the  country,  appealed  to  the  sacred 
name  of  liberty,  and  to  the  authority  of  the  Yan 
kee  captain.  The  judge  coolly  told  me  that  the 
custom  of  the  country  only  applied  to  native  born 
citizens,  and  that  not  being  even  naturalized,  I  de 
served  more  exemplary  punishment  for  trespassing 
upon  the  peculiar  privileges  of  the  free-born  sons 
of  liberty.  *  By  the  time  you  get  out  of  prison,' 
said  his  honour,  '  you  will  be  qualified  for  citizen 
ship,  and  may  then  steal  as  many  watches  as  you 
please.'  I  bowed,  thanked  his  lordship,  who,  by 
the  way,  neither  wore  gown  nor  wig — only  think ! 
and  withdrew  to  go  through  my  initiation  into 
citizenship. 

"  People  may  talk  of  the  state-prison,  but  for 
my  part,  if  any  thing  could  tempt  me  longer  to 
breathe  the  pure  air  of  liberty  in  this  land  of  hog- 
stealing  judges,*  and  shoe-making  magistrates,  it 
would  be  the  hope  of  spending  three  more  such 
happy  years.  I  had  plenty  of  meat  every  day,, 
(which  to  a  hard-working  man  of  the  land  of  roast 
beef  was  enchanting,  if  only  on  account  of  its  no 
velty,)  did  not  work  half  so  hard  as  at  home,  and 

*  Vide  56th  No, 


S4  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA, 

as  for  the  loss  of  liberty,  to  any  person  who  reads 
the  Quarterly,  that  must  be  considered  a  great 
blessing.  They  were  obliged  to  turn  me  out  neck 
and  heels,  at  the  end  of  my  delightful  seclusion. 
In  revenge  I  picked  the  turnkey's  pocket,  got  glo- 
riously  fuddled,  and  was  ruminating  in  delightful 
recollections  of  Old  England,  when  your  lordship 
found,  and  carried  me  home  with  you.  By  the 
way,  I  should  like  a  few  more  of  those  capital 
oysters.  To  make  an  end,  I  am  now  balancing 
whether  I  shall  take  out  my  citizenship,  and  thus 
qualify  myself  for  the  Yankee  mode  of  sporting; 
steal  another  watch  before  I  become  privileged, 
and  so  get  into  that  paradise,  the  state-prison 
again,  or  apply  for  a  free  passage  to  the  land  of 
liberty  and  roast  beef.  They  tell  me  I  shall  be 
provided  for  if  I  will  give  a  certificate  that  it  is 
impossible  for  an  English  emigrant  to  exist  in  this 
country.  For  my  part,  I  am  not  particular,  and  am 
ready  to  say,  or  swear  to  any  thing,  to  be  revenged 
on  these  bloody  Yankees,  who  first  put  a  man  in 
jail,  and  then  turn  him  out  again,  against  all  the 
rules  of  liberty  and  good  government." 

I  advised  the  poor  man  to  go  home  to  England, 
and  promised  to  get  him  a  free  passage.  I  also 
gave  him  a  letter  to  the  editor  of  the  Quarterly, 
requesting  him  to  take  down  his  story,  and  make 
an  article  of  it  in  his  next  number,  for  the  purpose 
of  deterring  all  his  deluded  countrymen  from  ad 
venturing  to  this  land  of  bundling,  gouging  guess 
ing,  and  democracy.  The  fate  of  this  poor  de- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  85 

luded,  honest,  and  industrious  emigrant,  ought  to 
be  a  warning  to  all  those  who  sigh  for  the  bless 
ings  of  pure  democracy,  and  believe  in  the  impious, 
radical  slang  of  Miss  Wright,  Captain  Hajl,  Birk- 
beck,  and  the  rest  of  the  polluted,  putrid,  pestilent, 
radical  fry,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  The  best  of 
these  English  emigrants  are  actually  obliged  to 
work  for  a  living,  and  if  they  are  not  lucky  enough 
to  get  into  the  bridewell  or  state-prison,  more  than 
two  thirds  of  them  actually  starve  to  death. 


CHAP.  VIII. 

Seeming  inconsistencies  and  contradictions  in  this  country — Ex 
planation  of  these — Park — Battery — Sunday  amusements — 
Spirit  of  democracy — Impiety — Specimens  of  republican  con 
versation — Theatre — American  play — American  Roscius — 
Kean — Cooke — Cooke  a  great  favourite,  and  why — Plays  and 
actors,  all  English — Little  Frenchman  ! — Author  changes  his 
lodgings — Attempt  to  rob  and  murder  him  by  the  little  French 
man  and  his  companion — Spirit  of  democracy. 

THE  more  I  see  of  the  people  of  this  country, 
the  more  I  am  struck  with  the  seeming  inconsis 
tencies  that  I  every  day  encounter.  That  they, 
are  the  greatest  cowards  in  existence  is  clear,  from 
the  repeated  assertions  of  the  Quarterly — yet  they 
are  continually  fighting  and  quarrelling.  That 
they  are  utterly  destitute  of  every  feeling  of  per 
sonal  honour,*  is  proved  by  the  same  authority  ; 
and  yet  the  young  men  are  all  duellists,  and  risk 
their  lives  every  day  upon  the  point  of  honour. 
There  is  no  country  in  the  world,  as  I  have  be 
fore  stated,  where  thieving,  house-breaking,  and 
murder  are  so  common,  and  yet  the  shop-keep- 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

ers  hang  out  their  richest  goods  at  the  doors  and 
windows;  the  housewives  leave  their  clothes  out 
all  night  to  bleach  or  dry  ;  the  country  people 
leave  their  implements  in  the  fields  without  scru 
ple,  and  there  is  a  general  carelessness  in  this  re 
spect,  which  would  seem  to  indicate  an  honest  and 
virtuous  people.  But  a  little  study  and  attention, 
soon  lets  one  into  the  secret  of  all  this,  and  the  ex 
planation  becomes  perfectly  easy. 

That  quarrelsome  people,  and  those  who  run 
wantonly  into  danger,  are,  for  the  most  part,  cow 
ards,  is  demonstrable.  He,  for  instance,  that  seeks 
to  quarrel,  seeks  to  fight — he  that  seeks  to  fight, 
seeks  to  die — he  that  seeks  to  die,  seeks  never  to 
fight  more — and  he  that  seeks  never  to  fight  rriore, 
is  a  coward.  To  explain  the  seeming  contradic 
tion  to  the  old  maxim,  that  knavery  is  always  sus 
picious  of  others,  it  is  only  necessary  to  refer  to 
the  fact,  that  people  careless  of  their  own  proper 
ty,  are  generally  the  most  apt  to  make  free  with 
that  of  others,  and  this  constitutes  the  very  essence 
of  the  spirit  of  democracy.  The  people  don't 
mind  being  robbed,  because  they  can  easily  reim 
burse  themselves  by  plundering  their  neighbours  of 
twice  the  amount.  Indeed  such  is  the  inveterate 
passion  for  pilfering,  that  it  is  no  uncommon  thing 
for  a  man  to  rob  himself,  that  he  may  have  an  ex 
cuse  for  making  reprisals  upon  his  friends.  On 
one  occasion  I  went  into  a  jeweller's  shop,  which  I 
found  deserted  by  every  body.  After  staying 
long  enough  to  have  filled  my  pockets  with  jew- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

els  the  shopman  came  in,  and  glancing  his  eyes 
round  to  see  if  all  was  safe,  seemed  very  much 
mortified  that  I  had  not  robbed  him.  I  heard  him 

mutter  to  himself,  "  one  of  your  d -d  honest 

Englishmen." 

It  is  in  this  manner  that  the  society  of  which  the 
pure  spirit  of  democracy  forms  the  basis  is  consti 
tuted  ;  and  this  is  what  is  practically  meant  by 
equal  rights.  It  puzzled  me  at  first,  how  a  socie 
ty  so  constituted,  could  possibly  subsist  for  any 
length  of  time.  But  the  wonder  is  easily  explain 
ed.  To  be  free,  a  people  must  be  in  a  state  of 
barbarity — to  be  in  a  state  of  barbarity,  is  to  ap 
proach  to  a  state  of  nature — to  approach  to  a  state 
of  nature,  is  to  come  near  it — to  come  very  near 
it,  is  to  be  on  the  verge — and  to  be  on  the  verge, 
is  ten  to  one  to  fall  in.  Hence  a  free  people  must 
be  in  a  state  of  nature,  where  we  know  all  things 
are  in  common,  and  consequently  all  men  thieves. 
If  it  be  urged,  that  a  people  in  a  state  of  nature  can 
have  no  system  of  laws,  I  answer  that  there  is  no 
essential  difference  between  a  people  who  have  no 
laws,  and  a  people  who  pay  no  regard  to  them. 
The  pure  spirit  of  democracy  is  nothing  but  a  state 
of  nature,  as  the  Quarterly  has  sufficiently  proved  : 
and  the  people  of  this  country  are  all  bundling, 
gouging,  scalping,  guessing,  spitting,  swearing, 
unbelieving  democrats. 

In  my  various  walks  about  the  city  I  visited  the 

*  Vide  No.  58,  E«g.  Ed. 


JOHN    BULL     IN    AMERICA.  89 

Park,  as  it  is  called,  and  the  Battery,  the  pride  and 
boast  of  these  modest  republicans.  The  Park  is 
situated  at  the  intersection  of  Hudson  and  Duane- 
streets,  and  is  very  nearly,  or  quite,  large  enough 
for  bleaching  a  pair  of  sheets  and  a  pillow  case  all 
at  once.  Judging  from  newspaper  puffs,  you  would 
suppose  it  was  an  elegant  promenade,  encompass 
ed  with  iron  railing ;  but  I  may  hope  to  be  believ 
ed  when  I  assure  my  readers,  that  no  one  walks 
there  but  pigs  and  washerwomen,  and  that  the  part 
of  the  fence  which  still  remains,  is  nothing  but 
pine.  There  is  no  other  Park  in  the  city. — But 
the  Battery!  0,  you  should  see  the  Battery — for 
seeing  is  believing.  I  visited  it  on  Sunday  after 
noon,  when  I  was  told  I  should  see  it  in  all  its  glo 
ry.  I  saw  what  we  should  call  a  wharf  jutting 
out  into  a  sluggish  puddle,  about  half  a  quarter  of 
a  mile  wide,  which  they  call  a  bay.  On  this  wharf 
were  a  few  poles  stuck  up — they  had  no  leaves  or 
limbs,  but  I  was  assured  they  would  grow  in  time. 
The  place  stunk  intolerably,  but  whether  owing  to 
the  stagnant  pool,  called,  in  the  republican  verna 
cular  the  bay,  or  to  the  filthy  nastiness  of  the  peo 
ple  walking  there,  I  cannot  say.  Here  I  saw  hun 
dreds,  not  to  say  thousands  of  people,  strutting,  or 
rather  staggering,  about  in  dirty  finery.  Some  hug 
ging  and  kissing  each  other  with  the  most  nause 
ating  gusto  of  lust,  heated  by  whiskey — others 
singing  indecent  and  impious  songs — but  the  ma 
jority  of  them,  in  the  true  spirit  of  democracy, 
gouging  and  dirking  each  other  for  amusement. 


90  JOHN    BULL    IN   AMERICA. 

In  one  corner  might  be  seen  a  group  wallowing 
and  rolling  about  in  the  mud  like  drunken  swine 
— in  another,  half  a  dozen  poor  wretches  gouged 
or  dirked,  writhing  in  agony  amid  the  shouts 
of  the  people — and  in  a  third,  a  heap  of  misera 
ble  victims  in  the  last  stage  of  yellow  fever. — 
Nobody  discovered  the  least  sympathy  for  them, 
and  here  no  doubt  they  perished  with  a  burning 
fever,  exposed  to  a  broiling  sun,  with  the  thermo 
meter  at  110  degrees,  the  usual  temperature  of  this 
climate,  winter  and  summer.  Here  they  remain 
ed  to  have  their  eyes  stung  out  by  moschetoes 
while  living,  and  to  be  devoured  by  flies  when 
dead.  I  shuddered  at  the  scene,  and  turned  to 
another  quarter  in  hopes  of  seeing  a  boxing  match, 
or  some  polite,  refined  exhibition,  but  in  vain. 
Such  is  the  celebrated  promenade  of  the  Battery 
at  New-York;  such  the  Sunday  amusements  of 
enlightened  and  virtuous  democracy  !  Nothing 
could  equal  the  gross  and  vulgar  impiety  of  their 
conversation,  of  which  the  following  specimens 
will  furnish  examples  : 

No.  1. — "  Well,  neighbour,  how  d'ye  get  on?" 
"0,    by  degrees,    as  lawyers  go  to 
heaven  !" 

No.  2. — "  When  do  you  go  out  of  town  ?" 

"  Why,  I  think  of  going  to-morrow, 
God  willing.77 

No.  3.-—"  Bless  my  soul,    neighbour,    where 
have  you  sprung  from  ?" 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  91 

"  Why,  God  love  you,  I  sprung  from 
the  clouds,  like.  Methuselah!" 
No.  4. — "Well,  friend,  how  does  the  good  wo 
man  to-day?" 
"  Why  thank  you,  she  complains  of 

being  a  little  better  /" 

Enough  of  this.  One's  blood  runs  cold  at  such 
impious  profanity.  Indeed,  the  people  are,  one 
and  all,  grossly  indelicate  and  impious  in  conver 
sation,  as  the  Quarterly  says.* 

To  vary  the  scene,  and  to  obliterate  in  some  de 
gree  the  painful  impressions  occasioned  by  the 
groups  I  have  attempted  to  describe,  1  strolled  into 
the  play-house,  which  is  always  open  on  Sundays, 
from  ten  in  the  morning  till  any  time  the  next 
morning.  But  I  only  got  out  of  the  frying  pan 
into  the  fire,  for  such  a  bear-garden  never  Christian 
man  unluckily  entered.  The  theatre  is  nothing 
more  than  a  barn,  abandoned  by  the  owner,  as  not 
worth  being  rebuilt,  with  a  thatched  roof,  and  stalls 
for  a  good  number  of  cattle,  which  are  now  con 
verted  into  boxes  for  the  beau  monde.  The  hay 
mow  is  now  the  gallery,  and  the  rest  is  all  boxes. 
Shakspeare  being  considered  anti-republican,  and 
the  English  dramatists  generally  unpopular,  the 
exhibition  consisted  of  a  drama,  the  production  of 
a  first  rate  republican  genius.  The  plot  cannot  be 
unravelled  by  mortal  man  ;  but  the  catastrophe 
consisted  in  the  heroine  of  the  piece  being  drank 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed, 


92  JOHN   BUtL   IN    AMERICA. 

for  by  some  three  or  four  admirers.  It  is  to  be 
understood  that  there  is  no  sham  here.  All  is  real 
drinking  ;  the  audience  will  endure  nothing  less, 
and  the  pleasure  consists  in  the  actors  all  getting 
really  and  substantially  drunk.  This  is  what  the 
best  republican  critics  call  copying  life  and  man 
ners,  of  which  the  aggregate  here  consists  in  drunk 
enness,  impiety  and,  debauchery.*  The  successful 
hero,  who  carried  off  the  lady,  swallowed  three 
quarts  of  whiskey,  the  only  liquor  considered  clas 
sical,  and  such  was  the  delight  of  the  audience, 
that  one  and  all  cried  out,  "Encore!  encore!  let 
him  drink  three  more  I"  The  hero,  however,  hick- 
uped  an  apology,  hoping  the  audience  would  ex 
cuse  the  repetition.  He  is  considered  the  Ros- 
cius  of  the  age,  and  thought  far  superior  to  Kean, 
or  Cooke,  though  the  latter  was  rather  a  favourite, 
on  account  of  his  once  having  paid  court  to  the  na 
tional  taste  by  performing  the  character  of  Cato, 
elegantly  drunk.  This  they  called  the  true  con 
ception  of  the  part,  it  being  utterly  impossible  to 
admit  the  idea  of  a  sober  patriot  or  republican. 
The  notion  savours  of  aristocracy,  and  one  would 
run  the  risk  of  being  tarred  and  feathered,  by  sug 
gesting  such  a  heterodoxy  in  politics. 

It  is  one  of  the  most  unanswerable  proofs  of  that 
total  want  of  genius,  invention,  and  originality, 
with  which  these  people  have  been  justly  charged, 
that  the  plays  represented  at  this  theatre,  and 
throughout  the  whole  of  the  United  States,  are  en 
tirely  of  British  manufacture.  Were  it  not  for 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  93 

Shakspeare,  Milton,  Newton,  Locke,  Bacon,  Pro 
fessor  Porson,  and  a  few  more  illustrious  English 
dramatic  writers,  the  theatres  in  this  country  could 
not  exist.  Shaspeare's  Tom  and  Jerry  is  played 
over  and  over  again,  night  after  night ;  and  Bacon's 
Abridgement  as  often,  if  not  oftener.  Another 
proof  is,  that  they  import  all  their  actors  from  Eng 
land,  it  being  a  singular  fact,  that  although  the  peo- 
.  pie  are  actually  drunk  two-thirds  of  the  time,  such 
is  their  poverty  of  intellect,  that  they  cannot  play 
the  character  of  a  tippler  with  any  remote  resem 
blance  to  nature.  They  seem,  indeed,  destined  to 
put  all  old  maxims  to  the  rout,  and  among  the  rest 
that  of  "  Practice  makes  perfect;"  since  none  are 
so  frequently  intoxicated,  and  yet  none  play  the 
character  with  so  little  discrimination. 

While  indulging  in  comparisons  connected  with 
the  superiority  of  Englishmen,  English  horses, 
dogs,  beer,  beef,  statesmen,  various  reviewers,  tra 
vellers,  poets,  pick-pockets,  philanthropists,  tip 
plers,  and  tragedians,  over  all  people,  and  more 
especially  this  wretched  scum  of  democracy,*  I 
t  was  roused  by  a  sneeze,  which  went  to  my  very 
heart.  A  horrid  presentiment,  came  over  me ; 
I  dared  not  look  in  that  direction,  but  remained 
torpid  and  inanimate,  till  I  saw  an  open  snuff-box 
reached  over  from  behind,  and  slowly  approach  my 
nose.  'Twas  the  little  Frenchman,  with  his  ma 
hogany  face,  gold  ear-rings,  and  dimity  breeches  ! 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


94  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

"  Ah !  monsieur — monsieur — is  it  you  ?  I  am  so 
happy  !  Are  you  going  to  New-Orleans  yet  ?  I 
hope  monsieur  has  not  been  robbed  and  murdered 
above  once  or  twice,  since  I  had  the  pleasure  to 
part  from  his  agreeable  company  ?"  I  received 
him,  as  usual,  with  a  look  of  freezing  contempt ; 
but  this  had  no  effect  upon  the  creature,  who  con 
tinued  to  chatter  away  and  bore  me  with  his  con 
founded  snuff,  till  I  was  out  of  all  patience.  I 
should,  most  certainly,  have  tweaked  his  nose,  had 
I  not  been  previously  warned  by  the  communicative 
traveller,  that  he  was  a  professed  duellist,  who 
minded  dirking  a  man  no  more  than  a  genuine  re 
publican,  and  that  he  had  been  long  enough  in  the 
country  to  become  very  expert  in  gouging.  I 
could  have  got  him  killed  outright  for  ten  dollars, 
that  being  the  usual  rate  in  this  country  ;*  and 
people  jump  at  a  job  so  congenial  to  their  habits 
and  feelings.  Besides,  those  who  follow  the  pro 
fession  for  a  livelihood  have  not  much  employment 
at  present,  as  almost  every  genuine  democrat  pre 
fers  killing  for  himself.  But  upon  the  whole  I 
concluded  to  let  the  fellow  off,  not  being  as  yet  suf 
ficient  of  a  republican  to  relish  the  killing  of  a 
man,  either  in  person  or  by  deput}^. 

The  little  Frenchman  insisted  upon  knowing 
where  I  put  up,  no  doubt  with  a  view  of  consum 
mating  his  plan  of  robbing  me  ;  but  I  was  resolved 
to  keep  that  secret  to  myself.  The  more  shy  I 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


"> 
JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  95 

was,  the  more  curious  he  became,  so  that  I  had  no 
other  way  of  escaping  his  inquiries  than  leaving 
the  box,  under  pretence  of  getting  some  refresh 
ment.  The  moment  I  got  clear  of  him,  I  bolted 
out  of  the  house,  and  made  the  best  of  my  way  to 
my  lodgings  Just  as  I  entered  the  door,  however, 
I  heard  the  well-known  sneeze,  and  glancing  round 
beheld  the  little  Frenchman,  and  the  communica 
tive  traveller,  watching  me  from  the  opposite  side 
of  the  way.  The  thing  was  now  quite  plain  ;  no 
one  could  mistake  their  object,  and  no  time  was  to 
be  lost.  I  determined  to  change  my  lodgings  that 
very  night.  So  calling  my  worthy  landlord  out  of 
bed  I  paid  his  bill,  took  my  portmanteau  under 
my  arm,  and  proceeded  to  the  city-hotel,  where  I 
asked  for  a  room,  with  a  double  lock  to  it,  which 
was  shown  me  by  the  waiter,  who  by  the  way 
looked  very  much  like  a  bandit ;  and  eyed  me 
with  a  most  alarming  expression  of  curiosity. 

"  Thank  heaven,"  said  I,  after  double-locking 
the  door,  (<  I  think  Pve  distanced  that  little  dia 
bolical  French  cut-throat,  and  his  accomplice,  for 
this  night,  at  least."  Carefully  loading  my  pistols, 
and  placing  them  on  a  chair  at  the  bed-side,  I  sat 
down  to  refresh  my  memory  with  the  58th  num 
ber  of  the  Quarterly.  After  poring  over  the  dis 
gusting  detail  of  the  gougings,  drinkings,  roast- 
ings,  and  impieties  of  republicanism,  till  my  blood 
ran  cold,  and  my  hair  stood  on  end,  I  retired  to 
bed.  Somehow  or  other  I  could  not  sleep.  The 
moment  I  attempted  to  close  my  eyes,  visions  of 


96  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

horror  arose,  and  my  imagination  teemed  with 
the  most  appalling,  vague,  and  indefinite  dangers 
that  seemed  to  beset  me,  I  knew  not  where  or  how. 
As  I  lay  thus  under  the  influence  of  this  providen 
tial  restlessness,  I  heard  in  the  next  room  that  ap 
palling  and  never  to  be  forgotten  sneeze,  which 
never  failed  to  announce  the  proximity  of  the  little 
Frenchman.  I  started  up,  seized  my  pistols,  and 
stood  upon  the  defensive,  determined  to  sell  my 
life  as  dearly  as  possible.  Presently  some  one 
tried  the  lock  of  my  door,  and  I  was  just  on  the 
point  of  firing,  when  I  heard  a  voice  saying,  "this 
is  not  the  room,  sir — you  sleep  in  No.  40," — and 
they  passed  onward. 

What  rendered  my  situation  the  more  critical, 
was  the  circumstance  of  there  being  an  additional 
door  to  my  room,  communicating  with  that  of  the 
French  bandit,  which  I  had  not  observed  before. 
Cautiously  approaching  it  with  a  pistol  cocked  in 
either  hand,  1  found  it  locked  indeed,  but  words 
cannot  describe  my  sensations  when  I  discovered 
the  key  was  on  the  other  side.  However,  a  few 
moments  restored  me  to  the  courage  of  despera 
tion,  and  I  ventured  to  peep  through  the  key-hole, 
where  I  saw  a  sight  that  froze  my  blood.  The 
little  Frenchman,  with  his  dark  mahogany  aspect, 
was  sitting  at  a  table  with  a  case,  not  of  pistols, 
but  of  razors,  one  of  which  he  was  carefully  strap 
ping.  Ever  ?.nd  anon,  as  he  tried  it  upon  the  palm 
of  his  hand,  he  observed  to  the  communicative 
traveller :  "  Diable  ! — it  will  not  do  yet — 'tis  cer- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  97 

tainly  made  of  lead."     At  last,  however,  it  seem 
ed  to  satisfy  him,  and  he  exclaimed  with  diabolical 
exultation — "Ah,  ha!  he  will  do  now — here  is 
an  edge  to  cut  off  a  man's  head  without  his  feeling 
it."      I   instinctively  drew  my   hand  across  my 
neck  to  ascertain  if  my  head  was  safe  on  my  shoul 
ders,  and  at  that  moment  heard  the  voice  of  the 
communicative  traveller: — "  Had  not  you  better 
wait  till  to-morrow  morning?"    "  Diable,  no — 
we  shall  not  have  time — now  or  never — I  will  not 
spare  a  single  hair  a  minute  longer."     A  slight 
movement  followed  this,  and  the  little  Frenchman 
observed  in  reply  to  something  which  escaped  me 
in  the  bustle  :  "  Do — do — one  don't  want  any  as 
sistance  in  these  matters — I  can  do  it  very  well 
myself."  The  bloody-minded  villain,  thought  I, 
he  wants  to  have  all  the  pleasure  of  killing  me  to 
himself.     Some,  one  got  up,   moved  towards  the 
door,  tried  the  lock,  and  seemed  just  on  the  point 
of  opening  it,  when,  thinking  no  time  was  to  be 
lost,  I  fired  my  pistol  bang  against  the  door.   "  Di 
able!"  exclaimed  the  little  Frenchman,  "  here  is 
our  old  friend,  Monsieur  John  Bull,  the  agreeable 
gentleman,  come  again.     Somebody  must  be  rob 
bing  him  beyond  doubt.   Let  us  rescue  him  by  all 
means."  They  then  attempted  to  unlock  the  door, 
under  pretence  of  rescue,  but  I  cried  out  in  a  tone 
of  deep  solemnity,  "Stand  off,  villains!  I  have  still 
another  loaded  pistoj,  and  the  first  of  you  that  ap 
proaches  is  a  dead  man.     Enter  at  your  peril !" 
9 


98  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

By  this  time  the  whole  house  was  in  an  uproar, 
the  lodgers  bundled  out  of  their"  rooms  half  dress 
ed—the  servant  maids  ran  about  squeaking,  and 
several  ladies  fell  into  fits.     I  am  safe  enough  for 
the  present,  thought  I,  but  nevertheless  there  is 
nothing  like  being  prepared ;  so  I  held  fast  my 
loaded  pistol,  while  the  crowd,  which  at  length 
collected  at  my  door  attracted  by  the  smell  of  the 
powder,  called  out  to  know  what  was  the  matter. 
"  There  has  been  an  attempt  to  rob  and  murder 
me,"    answered  I.     "  By  whom  ?"  inquired  the 
voices.     "  By  a  little  mahogany-faced  Frenchman 
and    a   communicative    traveller,"     answered    I. 
"  Monsieur  is  under  a  grand  mistake,"  cried  the 
little   Frenchman,     "  He   was   going  to  cut  my 
throat,"  cried   I.      "  I  was  going  to  cut  off  my 
beard,"    answered    the  little   Frenchman — upon 
which  the  pure  spirit  of  democracy  burst  out  into 
a.  loud  laugh.     "  He  must  have  been  dreaming," 
said    one.      "  He  has  had   the   nightmare,"  said 
another.     "  He  must  be  drunk,"    cried  a  fourth. 
"  He  must  be  mad,"  cried  a  fifth.  "  By  no  means,'* 
cried  the  little  Frenchman — "  Monsieur  has  only 
been  reading  the  Quarterly  Review,  and  is  a  little 
afraid  of  the  spirit  of  democracy.     He  shall  shoot 
him  one  day  with   a  silver  bullet."     Hereupon 
they  all  burst  into  a   hideous  democratic  laugh, 
which  is  ten  times  worse  than  a  horse  laugh,  and 
scampered  off  to  bed,  leaving  me  at  the  mercy  of 
the  two  banditti.     Such  is  the  protection  afforded 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  99 

<a  stranger,  and  particularly  an  Englishman,  in  this 
bundling,  gouging,  dirking,  spitting,  chewing, 
swearing,  blaspheming  den  of  democracy.* 

*  Vide  No.  58. 


100 


CHAP.  IX. 

Author  goes  to  the  Police — Description  of  {he  magistrate — Mis 
take  of  his  worship — Examination  of  the  little  Frenchman — 
Author  quotes  the  Quarterly — Mr.  Chichester — Dr.  Thornton — 
Frenchman  acquitted  to  the  great  delight  of  the  Democrats, 
who  all  like  the  French,  and  why — Sympathy  in  favour  of 
rogues  here,  and  reasons  for  it — Philippic  against  democratic 
judges,  magistrates,  lawyers,  and  democrats  in  general — Moral 
air  tainted,  according  to  the  Quarterly — Author  leaves  the  city 
of  abominations  for  fear  of  becoming  a  rogue,  by  the  force  of 
universal  example — Turbulent  spirit  of  democracy — Quarterly 
Review. 

THE  morning  succeeding  the  attempt  to  rob  and 
murder  me,  I  inquired  my  way  to  the  police-office, 
which  I  finally  discovered  at  a  cobbler's  stall,  in 
one  of  the  filthiest  streets  of  the  whole  city,  called 
Pattypan-lane.  I  found  his  worship  sitting  on  his 
bench,  in  a  leather  apron,  most  sedulously  occu 
pied  in  mending  an  old  boot.  On  my  informing 
him  I  had  business,  he  looked  down  at  my  feet, 
very  earnestly — "  Hum  !  why  your  boots  don't 
seem  to  want  mending — but  let  us  see."  So  he 
seized  hold  of  my  boot,  and  laid  me  sprawling  on 
the  floor,  in  attempting  to  pull  it  off.  He  then  fell 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  101 

into  a  passion  with  my  boots,  and  swore  the  fellow 
that  made  them  so  tight  ought  to  be  "  dirked," 
the  usual  phrase  for  the  punishment  <5f  slight  offen 
ces  among  these  humane  republicans. 

It  was  with  some  difficulty  I  made  him  under 
stand  my  business  was  not  with  the  cobbler,  but 
the  magistrate.  "  Well,  go  on  with  your  informa 
tion,"  replied  he,  "  while  I  finish  my  job  ;  I  can 
take  a  stitch  while  you  tell  your  story."  So  he 
fell  to  work  lustily,  while  I  proceeded  to  detail 
the  events  of  the  last  night.  When  I  had  done, 
he  looked  at  me  for  a  moment,  and  then  with  the 
true  gravity  and  demeanour  of  a  genuine  republi 
can  magistrate,  burst  into  a  horse  laugh,  and  took 
into  his  mouth  a  huge  quid  of  tobacco.  "  And  you 
are  positive  their  intention  was  to  rob  and  murder 
you?"  quoth  the  sage  Minos.  I  offered  to  swear 
to  it,  upon  which  he  handed  the  book,  and  admi 
nistered  the  oath.  "  Very  well,  we  must  send 
for  these  bloody-minded  fellows,  and  see  what 
they  have  to  say  for  themselves.  A  little  French 
man,  with  a  mahogany  face,  gold  ear-rings,  and 
dimity  breeches,  say  you?  we  must  describe  the 
villain,  as  you  don't  know  his  name."  On  receiv 
ing  satisfaction  as  to  this  point,  he  procured  a  war 
rant,  which  he  signed  with  his  cross,  being  una 
ble  to  write  his  name  ;  desired  me  to  witness  his 
mark  ;  and  sent  off  one  of  his  apprentices  to  bring 
the  offenders. 

In  a  few  minutes  he  returned  with  the  little 
Frenchman,  his  companion,  and  almost  all  the  lodg- 


102  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

ers  at  the  city-hotel,  landlord,  waiters,  and  all. 
His  worship  laid  down  his  awl,  and  the  examina 
tion  began. 

"  What  is  your  name  ?" 

"  Pierre  Frangois  Louis  Maximilian  Joseph 
Maria  Gourgac  d'Espagnac  de  Gomperville,"  an 
swered  the  little  bandit. 

"  A  whole  band  of  robbers,  in  the  person  of  one 
little  Frenchman,"  observed  his  worship,  turning 
to  his  clerk,  and  directing  him  to  write  it  down. 
The  clerk  demurred  to  this,  as  to  write  it  was  quite 
impossible. 

"  Well^  then/'  said  his  worship,  "  write  down 
Hard  name,  and  proceed.  Whence  came  you, 
where  are  you  going,  what  is  your  business,  and 
how  came  you  to  put  this  gentleman  in  bodily  fear 
last  night  ?" 

"  I  came,"  replied  the  bandit,-  "  from  New- 
Orleans,  which,  as  Monsieur  knows  (making  me 
a  low  bow)  is  not  far  from  Portsmouth,  in  Alaba 
ma.  I  am  going  to  Charleston,  to  which  place  I 
hope  to  have  the  pleasure  of  Monsieur's  company, 
(making  me  another  low  bow;)  my  business,  it 
seems,  is  principally  to  rob  and  murder  Monsieur, 
(another  bow,)  and  I  came  to  put  him  in  bodily 
fear,  by  reason  of  sharpening  my  razors  at  night, 
which  I  generally  do  before  I  shave  myself;" 
making  me  another  low  bow,  and  offering  his  box. 

"Hum!"  quoth  his  worship,  eying  the  little 
Frenchman's  stiff  black  beard,  "A  man  with  such 
a  brush  under  his  nose  might  reasonably  strap  his 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  103 

razors  over  night,  I  should  think,  without  being 
suspected  of  any  other  intent  but  to  cut  up  his  own 
stubble  field.  But  what  other  proofs  have  you  of 
this  intent  to  rob  and  murder,  hey  ?" 

"  My  own  conviction,"  answered  I. 

t(  Ay !  but  a  man's  conviction  is  no  proof  of 
guilt,  except  it  be  a  conviction  by  judge  and  jury," 
answered  the  learned  justice. 

"  The  word  of  a  gentleman !" 

"  Pooh !  the  word  of  a  gentleman  is  no  better 
than  the  word  of  any  other  man.  Every  man  is 
a  gentleman  in  this  free  country,"  replied  the  de 
mocratic  Solon. 

( f  Did  they  break  into  your  room  ?" 

"  No — but  they  tried  the  lock." 

"  Did  they  actually  offer  you  any  violence,  or 
attempt  to  cut  your  throat?" 

"  No — but  the  little  Frenchman  sharpened  his 
razors  at  me." 

"  Have  you  any  witnesses  to  prove  the  at 
tack?" 

"  The  circumstances  are,  of  themselves,  suffi 
cient — besides,  they  have  followed  me  all  the  way 
from  Portsmouth,  and  this  is  not  the  first  time  the 
little  Frenchman,  and  his  accomplices,  have  made 
the  attempt." 

"  Followed  you  !"  quoth  Solon  ;  "  travelling  in 
the  same  stages  and  steam-boats,  and  putting  up  at 
the  same  houses,  is  what  generally  happens  to  peo 
ple  going  the  same  route — this  is  no  proof  of  wick 
ed  intention/' 


104  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

The  little  Frenchman  now  appealed  to  the  crowd 
of  city-hotel  people,  who,  beyond  doubt,  were  all 
his  accomplices,  and  who  all  testified  that  he  had 
been  there  two  days  before  I  made  my  appearance, 
which  the  stupid  cobbler-justice  observed  was 
proof  that  he  had  not  followed  me,  at  the  same 
time  hinting  to  the  Frenchman,  he  had  good 
grounds  for  an  information  against  me  for  follow 
ing  him!  Finding  they  were  all  in  league  together, 
I  determined  to  overwhelm  the  justice,  the  clerk, 
the  witnesses,  and  the  culprits,  by  one  single  irre 
sistible  testimony.  I  took  from  my  pocket  the  fif 
ty-eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly,  which  I  always 
carry  about  me  ;  and  turning  to  page  three  hun 
dred  and  fifty-seven,  read  in  an  audible  voice  as 
follows:* 

"  Mr.  Chichester  told  him,"  (Mr.  Faux,)  "  that 
ten  dollars  would  procure  the  life  and  blood  of 
any  man  in  this  country.57  Mr.  Chichester  also 
told  him,  that  "  he  knew  a  party  of  whites  who, 
last  year,  roasted  to  death  before  a  large  log  fire 
one  of  their  friends,  because  he  refused  to  drink,  "t 

"  And  who  is  Mr.  Chichester  ?"  said  the  igno 
ramus,  who,  it  is  plain,  never  reads  the  Quarter- 

iy- 

"Mr.  Chichester  is  a  polished,  gay,  interesting 
gentleman,  travelling  in  his  own  carriage  from 
Kentucky  to  Virginia,"  replied  I,  reading  in  the 
Quarterly 4  Again,  sir,  "  Judge  Waggoner,  who 

*  Vide  No.  58,  English  copy.    '         t  Ditto.  J  Ditto 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  105 

is  a  notorious  hog-stealer,  was  recently  accused, 
while  sitting  on  the  bench,  by  Major  Hooker,  the 
hunter,  gouger,  whipper,  and  nose-biter,  of  steal 
ing  many  hogs,  and  being,  although  a  judge,  the 
greatest  rogue  in  the  United  States. "*  Again,  sir, 
we  read  from  this  same  unquestionable  authority, 
u  Doctor  Thornton,!  of  the  post-office,  observed 
to  him  that  this  city,  like  that  of  ancient  Rome, 
was  peopled  with  thieves  and  assassins,  and  that 
during  his  residence  in  it,  he  had  found  more  vil 
lains  than  he  had  seen  in  all  the  world  besides.7' 

"  And  pray  who  is  Doctor  Thornton — is  he  in 
court?"  cried  this  pious  minister  of  justice. 

"  Doctor  Thornton/'  replied  I,  "  is  a  gentleman 
of  character  and  learning — he  has  invented  a  new 
alphabet."  . 

"  Diable  !"  interrupted  the  little  Frenchman — 
"  'tis  not  the  only  thing  he  has  invented  I  be 
lieve." 

I  continued  without  noticing  the  interruption — 
"  Dr.  Thornton,  sir,  is  an  Englishman,  and  that  is 
a  sufficient  warrant  for  all  he  says.  I  know,  how 
ever,  from  the  best  authority,  that  by  his  eloquence 
he  prevented  the  gallant  Cockburn  from  burning 
the  capital  and  president's  house  during  the  late 
war." 

"  Diable!"  again  interrupted  the  little  French 
man,  "  am  I  to  be  convicted  upon  the  testimony 
of  the  goose  whose  cackling  saved  the  capital  ?" 

*  Vide  No.  58.  •  \  Ditto, 


306  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

"  But  what  do  you  intend  by  all  this  ?"  replied 
his  worship  petulantly,  and  casting  a  wishful  eye 
at  the  old  boot, as  if  he  wanted  to  be  stitching  again. 

"  I  mean,  sir,"  replied  I  solemnly,  "  to  prove 
by  this  testimony,  that  as  ten  dollars  is  the  price 
of  blood  in  this  country,  that  as  Judge  Waggoner 
is  a  notorious  hog-stealer,  and  that,  as  Doctor 
Thornton  affirms,  your  cities  are  peopled  by  thieves 
and  robbers,  that  in  such  a  country,  and  among 
such  a  people,  the  mere  sharpening  of  a  razor  at 
such  an  unreasonable  hour,  is  sufficient  presump 
tive  proof,  to  hang  half  a  dozen  Frenchmen  and 
democrats." 

But  the  little  Frenchman,  who  had  by  this  time 
sent  and  suborned  the  president  of  a  bank,  and  two 
or  three  directors,  his  accomplices  no  doubt,  offer 
ed  their  testimony  to  prove  that  he  was  a  person 
well  known  to  them,  of  ample  means  and  unblem 
ished  character,  equally  above  the  temptation  as 
the  suspicion  of  robbery  and  murder.  Upon  this, 
in  spite  of  my  own  testimony,  and  the  authority 
of  the  Quarterly,  the  precious  cobbling  justice  dis 
missed  my  complaint,  and  apprized  the  little 
Frenchman  that  he  might  recover  damages  of  me 
if  he  chose.  But  the  horrid  bandit  had  other  ob 
jects  in  view,  and  after  receiving  the  congratula 
tions  of  all  present,  (for  these  people  adore  the 
French  only  because  they  take  a  little  pains  to  be 
agreeable,)  turned  to  me  with  a  most  diabolical 
smile,  made  me  a  low  bow,  offered  his  box,  earnest 
ly  hoped  he  should  have  the  pleasure  of  my  agreea- 


JOHN'BULL  IN  AMERICA.  107 

ble  company  to  Charleston,  and  assured  me,  upon 
his  honour,  he  would  never  attempt  to  cut  my 
throat  again  since  he  was  born. 

From  this  specimen  of  the    mode  of  adminis 
tering  republican  justice,  and  the  character  of  the 
judges,  who  are,  for  the  most  part,  pig-stealers,  and 
never  read  the  Quarterly,  one  may  judge  of  the 
chance  an  Englishman  has  of  protection  or  redress. 
Every  body  is  in  league  against  him  ;  it  is  sufficient 
for  a  man  only  to  be  accused  of  doing  wrong,  in 
order  to  excite  the  universal  sympathy  in  his  fa 
vour.     The  officers  of  the  courts,  the  magistrates, 
judges,  lawyers,  and  spectators,  all  have  a  fellow- 
feeling  for  a  criminal,  having  all  been,  or  expect' 
ing  soon  to  be  in  a  similar  predicament,  and  the 
accuser  is  thrice  lucky,  if  he  does  not  change  places 
with  the  accused.    The  lawyers,  who  are  most  ex 
pert  in  snatching  murderers  from  the  gallows,  are 
certain  to  be  made  magistrates,  and  the  most  dex 
terous  pig-stealer  is  predestined  to  be  a  judge  of 
pig-stealers.      The   sheriff,   not  long  since,   was 
obliged  to  hang  his  own  nephew  for  the  murder 
of  his  mother,  who  was  the  sheriff's  sister,  as  these 
virtuous  self-governing  republicans  thought  it  a 
pity  to  hang  a  man  for  such  a  trifle,  and  not  one 
of  them  would  tie  the  knot !  The  moral  air  is  pu 
trid,  and  even  the  most  honest  Englishman  cannot 
breathe  it  without  his  principles  being  tainted  with 
the  plague  of  democracy.     Feeling  this  to  be  ac 
tually  the  case  with  myself,  I  determined  to  change 
the  air  as  soen  as  possible,  before  I  became  a  vil- 


108  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

lain  outright,  and  not  caring  to  go  back  again  to 
the  hotel,  to  meet  the  banditti,  and  their  accompli 
ces,  I  desired  my  old  landlord,  the  gentleman  of 
colour,  to  go  and  pay  for  my  lodgings,  and  bring 
my  portmanteau  down  to  the  steam-boat,  just  then 
departing  for  the  south.  I  embarked  in  her,  shak 
ing  the  dust  off  my  feet,  as  I  left  this  city  of  abo 
minations,  in  which  though  I  had  staid  but  two 
days,  I  had  seen  more  of  the  turbulent  spirit  of 
democracy  than  in  all  the  world  beside.  No  won 
der,  seeing  "  it  is  peopled  by  thieves  and  robbers  ;" 
and  the  Quarterly  affirms  it  to  be  the  place  where 
the  "  scum  of  all  the  earth"*  is  collected. 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


109 


CHAP.  X. 

Miraculous  escape  in  crossing  the  East  River  to  Jersey — Authoi 
makes  his  will  previously — Number  of  people  at  Communi- 
paw  on  crutches — His  fellow-traveller,  an  Englishman,  tells  a 
story  accounting  for  it — Manner  of  keeping  the  Sabbath — Lit' 
tie  Frenchman  identified — Inhumanity  of  republicans — Drun 
ken  driver — Philosophical  reasons  why  republicans  must  na 
turally  be  hard  drinkers — Apostrophe  in  praise  of  oriental  des 
potism,  and  abject  poverty. 

THE  steam-boat  in  which  I  embarked,  as  stated 
in  the  last  chapter,  conveyed  us  across  the  East 
River  to  the  Jersey  shore,  without  bursting  her 
boiler,  which  was  considered  little  less  than  a  mi 
racle,  as  there  is  scarcely  a  day  passes  without  a 
catastrophe  of  this  kind,  which  is  fatal  to  a  dozen 
or  twenty  people.  Yet  the  people  go  on  board 
these  vessels  with  as  little  hesitation  as  they  would 
enter  their  own  doors.  Indeed,  their  carelessness 
of  their  own  lives  is  equal  to  their  disregard  of 
the  lives  of  others,  and  they  encounter  the  risk  of 
being  scalded  to  death,  with  as  little  hesitation 
as  they  feel  in  dirking  an  intimate  friend,  orburn- 
10 


110  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMEHICA, 

ing  him  on  a  pile  of  logs  for  not  drinking.*5  For 
my  part,  I  took  the  precaution  previous  to  my  em 
barkation,  to  settle  my  affairs  and  make  my  will. 
It  proved,  however,  unnecessary  in  this  instance,, 
as  we  were  safely  landed  in  the  city  of  Communi- 
paw,  the  capital  of  that  state. 

The  first  thing  that  struck  me  in  roaming  about 
here  waiting  for  the  stage,  which  was  delayed  for 
the  purpose  of  giving  the  driver  time  to  get  drunk, 
was  the  vast  proportion  of  people  upon  crutches. 
Almost  every  person  I  met  had  lost  his  feet  and 
apart  of  his  legs  ;  some  at  the  ancles,  some  at 
the  calves,  and  a  few  at  the  knees.  On  inquiring 
of  an  Englishman,  who  was  to  be  my  fellow  tra 
veller,  the  cause  of  this  singularity,  he  gave  me 
the  following  details,  than  which  nothing  can  more 
brilliantly  illustrate  the  manner  in  whish  the  Sab 
bath  is  kept,  or  rather  profaned,  among  "•  these 
bundling,  gouging,  spitting,  swearing,  dirking? 
drinking,  blaspheming  republicans. "t 

"  You  must  know,  sir,"  said  my  informant, 
"  that  the  people  of  this  city  and  its  neighbourhood, 
are  notorious  all  over  the  country  for  dancing. 
Such  is  their  fondness  for  the  amusement,  that  they 
don't  know  when  to  stop,  and  if  it  happens  to  be 
Saturday  night,  they  are  pretty  sure  to  dance  till 
day-light  on  Sunday  morning,  let  what  will  hap 
pen.  About  three  years  ago  there  was  a  grant! 
ball  given,  in  which  the  mayor,  aldermen,  and  all 

*  Vide  Ko.  58,  Eng.  Ed.  j  Ditto.  En-.  EiK 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  Ill 

the  fashionable  people  of  the  town  were  present. 
Unluckily  it  happened  to  be  Saturday  night,  and 
the  company  continued  dancing  till  the  clock  struck 
twelve.  But  not  a  soul  heard  it,  they  were  so  bu 
sy  in  shuffling  '  hoe  corn'  and  (  dig  potatoes,'  and 
if  they  had,  nobody  would  have  abated  a  single 
shuffle.  Just  as  the  clock  struck,  there  came  in  a 
little  black  gentleman,  with  gold  ear-rings,  a  ma 
hogany  face,  and  dressed  in  a  full  suit  of  black, 
except  that  he  wore  dimity  breeches." 

"  The  little  Frenchman,  by  Heaven  !"  exclaim 
ed  I. 

"  You  shall  hear  anon,"  continued  he.  "  The 
little  black  gentleman  cut  into  a  Scots  reel  without 
ceremony,  and  danced  with  such  extraordinary 
vigour  and  agility,  that  every  body  seemed  inspir 
ed.  The  young  fellows  threw  off  their  coats  first, 
then  their  waistcoats,  and  there  is  no  knowing  how 
much  farther  they  might  have  proceeded  had  not 
good  manners  prevented.  The  buxom  Dutch  girls 
of  Communipaw  kicked  up  their  heels,  and  gam 
boled  with  all  the  vivacity  of  young  elephants, 
and  bundling  came  to  be  very  seriously  contem 
plated.  But  it  would  have  done  your  heart  good 
to  see  the  fiddler,  a  gentleman  of  colour,  belong 
ing  to  'Squire  Van  Bommel,  who  gradually  got  his 
fiddle  locked  fast  between  his  breast  and  chin, 
where  he  wedged  it  up  with  both  knees,  while  his 
mouth  gradually  expanded  from  ear  to  ear,  as  he 

played  Yankee  Doodle  as  if  the  d 1  was  in  him. 

The  little  black  gentleman  was  the  life  and  soul 


JOHN    BULL    IN   AMERICA* 

of  the  party ;  bowed  to  every  body,  danced  with 
every  lady,  complimented  every  body,  offered  his 
box  to  every  body,  took  snuff  with  every  body, 
and  sneezed — " 

"  0 !  the  little  Frenchman,"  cried  I,  "  I'll  bet  a 
hundred  pounds  !" 

"  You  shall  hear,"  continued  my  companion. 
"  All  was  joy,  laughter,  capering,  singing,  bund 
ling,  swearing,  gouging,  dirking,  and  hilarity,  when 
by  degrees  the  young  damsels  and  lads  began  to 
find  their  bare  feet  coming  to  the  floor,  which  re 
minded  them  it  was  time  to  stop  dancing.  But  it 
was  too  late  now.  There  was  a  spell  upon  them, 
and  they  continued  to  dance  away  by  an  irresisti 
ble  impulse,  till,  by-and-by,  first  went  the  skin  off 
the  soles  of  their  feet,,  then  the  feet  themselves. 
Still  they  continued  dancing,  and  the  shorter  their 
legs  grew,  the  higher  they  capered,  and  the  faster 
the  fiddler  played  Yankee  Doodle,  the  black  gen 
tleman  vociferating  all  the  while,  in  concert— 

"  Yankee  doodle  keep  it  up, 

"  Yankee  doodle  dandy  ; 
"  Mind  the  music  and  the  step, 

"  And  with  the  gals*  be  handy." 

"  But  how  did  it  happen,"  said  I,  "  that  the 
black  gentleman,  alias  the  little  Frenchman,  did 
not  lose  his  feet  and  legs  too?" 

*  This  shows  that  even  the  devils  don't  speak  good  English 
among  these  enlightened  republicans. 


JOHN    BULL     IN    AMERICA.  113 

ic  I  have  not  said  he  didn't  yet,"  replied  my 
companion.  "  But,  however,  your  suggestion  is 
correct.  He  kept  capering  away  without  either 
feet  or  legs  diminishing  any  more  than  if  they  had 
been  of  steel.  But  no  wonder,  as  you  will  find  in 
the  sequel.  The  company  continued  to  caper  and 
jig  it,  till  the  legs  of  many  were  entirely  danced 
away,  and  it  has  been  asserted  that  the  fiddler's 
chin  was  more  than  half  gone.  Nay,  there  have 
been  those  who  do  not  scruple  to  affirm  that  several 
heads,  without  either  feet,  legs,  or  body  at  all, 
were  seen  cutting  pigeon  wings  and  taking  the 
partridge  run  with  all  the  alacrity  imaginable.  But 
of  this  there  is  some  contrariety  of  opinion. 

"  Certain  it  is  that  the  dancing  continued  with 
unabated  vigour,  the  little  black  gentleman  still 
setting  the  example,  and  the  fiddler,  having  en 
tirely  wore  out  his  fiddle-strings,  was  sawing  away, 
tooth  and  nail,  upon  the  edge  of  his  fiddle.  And 
here  I  must  remark  a  most  extraordinary  circum 
stance,  which  is  that  the  longer  they  danced,  the 
shorter  they  grew,  by  reason  of  their  wear  and 
tear  of  feet,  legs,  &c.,  so  that  beyond  all  doubt 
had  they  danced  much  longer,  there  would  have 
Been  nothing  left  of  them,  not  even  the  hair  of 
their  heads.  Luckily,  however,  an  old  one-eyed 
game-cock,  who  sat  upon  one  leg  on  a  pole  that  lay 
across  the  crotches  of  two  trees,  and  where  they 
generally  hung  up  their  pigs  by  the  hinder  legs — " 

"  What,"  interrupted  I,  "  do  they  hang  pigs 
in  this  country?" 

10* 


114  JOHN   BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

"  Yes,"  replied  my  companion,  with  a  sigh, 
"  But  the  less  we  say  about  that  the  better.  You 
will  hardly  believe  it,  but  they  hang  them  up  with 
their  heads  downwards  ;"  and  thereupon  he  took 
out  his  handkerchief  and  wiped  his  eyes.  Well 
may  you  blush  and  weep  over  the  inhumanity  of 
your  countrymen,  thought  I.  The  Quarterly  shall 
hear  of  this. 

<c  But,"  resumed  my  companion  in  a  hurried 
manner,  as  if  anxious  to  direct  my  attention  from 
this  horrible  cruelty,  6t  let  us  go  back  to  the  old 
cock,  who  about  daylight  clapped  his  wings  and 
crowed  so  loud  that  you  might  have  heard  him 
across  the  river.  No  sooner  had  the  little  black 
gentleman  heard  the  clapping  and  crowing,  than 
he  made  one  bound  up  the  chimney,  without  mak 
ing  his  bow  to  the  company,  or  taking  leave  of  six 
ladies  to  whom  he  had  engaged  himself  to  be  mar 
ried  the  next  morning.  He  was  heard  to  sneeze 
as  he  ascended  the  chimney,  which  thereupon 
burst  with  a  terrible  explosion  of  red  hot  bricks, 
which  flew  about  in  the  sky  like  great  fire-flies, 
hissing  like  serpents.  This  was  succeeded  by  a 
shower  of  flour  of  brimstone,  which  cured  all  the 
people  thereabouts  of  the  Scots  fiddle.  The  fid 
dler  was  found  two  days  afterwards,  with  his  head 
buried  in  a  salt  marsh  near  Communipaw,  and  his 
stumps  dancing  in  the  air,  scraping  Yankee  Doodle 
like  a  devil  incarnate.  The  dancers  all  ran  home." 

"  What,"  said  I,  "  without  their  legs! 
could  that  be-?" 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  115 

u  I  can't  say/7  replied  he,  "  but  run  they  did 
as  fast  as  legs  could  carry  them,  although,  as  you 
have  ocular  demonstration,  they  must  have  done 
it  without  legs.  To  conclude,  the  doctors  hear 
ing  of  this  catastrophe,  came  over  in  shoals  from 
New- York,  thinking  they  would  have  some  profit 
able  job  ;  but,  to  their  great  mortification,  found  all 
their  stumps  perfectly  healed  by  what  seemed  to 
be  the  application  of  a  red  hot  iron,  so  that  they 
paid  their  ferriage  across  the  river,  and  ran  the  risk 
of  the  bursting  of  the  boiler,  for  nothing.  It  is  ob 
served  that  the  dancers  all  continue  to  smell  of 
brimstone  to  this  day.  The  windows  of  the  house 
in  which  the  dance  took  place,  sometimes,  parti 
cularly  during  storms  of  thunder  and  lightning  at 
night,  seem  as  if  the  whole  was  on  fire,  and 
some  have  said  they  saw  the  little  black  gentle 
man  dancing  there,  surrounded  by  old  women  on 
broomsticks.  This  is  doubtful ;  but  certain  it  is 
that  the  old  one-eyed  rooster  was  killed  the  fol 
lowing  Christmas  night  in  a  battle  royal  between 
the  Harsimusites  and  the  Hobokenites,  in  which 
the  former  were  worsted.77 

"  I  suppose,"  said  I,  "  this  cured  them  of  danc 
ing  on  Sunday  mornings?" 

"  Not  in  the  least,"  replied  he.  "  These  very- 
people  you  see  upon  crutches,  are  eternally  jigging 
it  and  frisking  their  tails.  You  shall  see.77 

So  he  began  whistling  Yankee  Doodle,  and  in 
the  space  of  five  minutes,  at  least  thirty  people, 
without  a  single  leg  between  them,  gathered  round 


11G  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMEKICA. 

us,  dancing  most  incontinently.  I  turned  in  dis 
gust  from  this  incorrigible  race  of  impious  repub 
licans,  whom  the  loss  of  legs  cannot  restrain  from 
a  breach  of  the  Sabbath,  and  who  persevere  in 
their  enormities  even  in  despite  of  miracles,  as  the 
Quarterly  says.  But  my  reflections  were  inter 
rupted  by  the  arrival  of  the  stage,  the  driver  be 
ing  at  length  "  prime  bang  up,"  that  is  to  say,  as 
drunk  as  a  lord. 

In  the  course  of  my  travels,  I  have  often  reflect 
ed  on  the  causes  of  that  universal  and  inveterate 
propensity  to  drunkenness,  which  is  the  character 
istic  of  this  people,  and  the  result  is,  that  it  is  an 
other  of  the  delectable  offspring  of  the  turbulent 
spirit  of  democracy.  Nothing  is  more  certain  than 
that  a  people  will  be  restrained  in  proportion  to  the 
restraints  under  which  they  labour,  as  the  Quarter 
ly  says.  In  proportion  to  the  freedom  they  enjoy, 
will  be  the  freedom  of  their  indulgences.  It  is  on 
ly  by  taking  away  the  freedom  of  action,  and  the 
means  of  obtaining  these  indulgences,  that  you 
can  make  the  vulgar  either  tolerably  religious,  or 
decently  moral.  The  right  of  self-government  is 
another  word  for  the  freedom  from  all  moral  and 
religious  restraints,  and  it  is  a  clear  deduction  to 
say,  that  a  man  who  don't  honour  the  king  will 
seldom  fear  his  Maker.  Again — the  consciousness 
of  freedom  generates  among  the  vulgar,  and  all  free 
people  may  be  called  vulgar,  a  certain  degree  of 
impudence,  a  hardy  confidence  which  carries' a 
man  above  those  sulutary  restraints  which  the 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  117 

opinion  and  influence  of  society  impose  upon  man 
kind.  Lastly,  where  a  large  portion  of  the  people 
can  earn  a  superfluity,  above  the  wants  of  them 
selves  and  families,  they  will  be  almost  certain 
to  devote  their  substance  'to  riot  and  debauchery, 
as  the  Quarterly  says. 

It  is  thus  with  this  wretched  spawn  of  democra 
cy.  Boasting,  as  they  do,  of  the  right  of  making 
their  own  laws,  they  naturally  claim  and  exercise 
the  right  of  breaking  them  whenever  they  please. 
Being  free  from  the  salutary  restraints  of  Euro 
pean,  and  Oriental  despotism,  they  naturally  throw 
off  all  restraint;  having  plenty  of  money  beyond 
the  necessary  wants  of  life,  they  naturally  become 
wasteful ;  and  feeling  themselves  equal  to  any  and 
every  man  they  meet,  they  naturally  and  inevita 
bly  become  insolent  and  intemperate.  It  would 
be  considered  a  proof  of  a  most  mean  and  abject 
spirit,  for  a  genuine  republican  to  show  his  respect 
for  any  society  whatever,  by  behaving  with  de 
cency  and  keeping  himself  sober. 

Such  being  the  case,  happy,  thrice  happy,  as  the 
Quarterly  says,  are  those  who  have  no  voice  in 
making  the  laws,  for  they  will  be  the  more  likely 
to  obey  them.  Happy,  and  four  times  happy  are 
they,  who  never  taste  the  unhallowed  cup  of  free 
dom,  for  they  will  not  be  ruined  by  the  absence 
of  all  restraints.  Happy,  and  six  times  happy,  are 
the  people  who  have  no  taste  of  that  fatal  equality 
which  generates  a  vulgar  confidence  that  disdains 
all  subserviency  to  rank,  dress,  and  equipage — - 


118  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

and  happy  above  all  happy  people  are  those,  who, 
being  stinted  in  the  means  of  procuring  even  the 
necessaries  of  life,  will  never  be  able  to  indulge 
in  enervating  pleasures,  or  the  excesses  of  intem 
perance. 


119 


CHAP.  XL 

Infamous  roads — Infamous  stages — Infamous  stage-drivers — Re 
publican  mode  of  mending  roads — Englishmen  are  known  \\f.\-f 
by  an  air  of  distinction — Story  of  the  English  emigrant  to 
English  Prairie — Sudden  obscurity  of  the  atmosphere — Rea 
son  of  it — Indian  summer,  its  real  origin — Stage  starts  and 
leaves  the  author  behind — Insolence  of  the  driver — Spirit  of 
democracy— Miserable  effects  of  freedom — Universal  stimulus 
wanting  in  a  republic — Gross  and  impertinent  freedoms  ii* 
republicans. 

UNDER  the  protection  of  that  Providence,  which 
is  said  to  take  the  special  guardianship  of  drunk 
en  stage-drivers,  we  proceeded  on,  over  one  of 
the  most  rocky,  rutty,  and  infamous  roads  I  ever 
travelled.  The  spirit  of  democracy  disdains  t.o 
pay  any  regard  to  the  laws  for  mending  roads,  it 
being  an  approved  maxim,  that  the  best  Way  to 
mend  the  roads  is  to  let  them  mend  themselves. 
Yet  notwithstanding  all  this,  there  are  turnpike 
gates  every  two  or  three  miles,  especially  in  New- 
England,  and  the  other  southern  states,  where 
they  take  enormous  toll  of  all  strangers,  p'.ar1 


120  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

ticularly  Englishmen,  who  being  distinguished 
by  a  certain  air  of  nobility,  which  causes  them  to 
be  all  taken  for  my  lords  by  the  French  and 
Italians,  are  easily  detected  by  the  cunning  Yan 
kees. 

But  notwithstanding  the  situation  of  the  driver, 
and  the  roughness  of  the  roads,  we  proceeded  on 
without  any  accident,  and  rather  more  pleasantly 
•than  usual.  My  companion  turned  out  to  be  an 
intelligent  Englishman,  which,  in  truth,  I  had  sus 
pected  before,  though  indeed  I  might  have  known 
it  by  his  speaking  such  pure  English.  By  de 
grees  we  became  sociable,  for  I  saw  he  was  a  man  of 
education  and  discernment,  by  his  always  address 
ing  me  as  my  lord.  One  inquiry  Jed  to  another, 
and  at  length  he  told  me  his  story,  which  I  shall 
set  down  word  for  word,  as  a  warning  to  my  sim 
ple,  credulous  countrymen,  who  are  allured  to  this 
land  of  promise  by  the  modern  Moses  of  transat 
lantic  speculation,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

"  I  was  very  well  hofifat  ome,"  said  he,  '"  av- 
ing  a  good  farm,  with  comfortable  hout-ouses,  and 
plenty  of  stock,  say  five  undred  Norfolk  sheep, 
forty  or  fifty  Bakewell  cows,  and  two  bulls  of  the 
Tees-water  breed.  But  someow  hor  hother,  I 
went  beindand  every  year.  The  rents  hi  paid  to 
keep  hup  the  dignity  of  the  nobleman,  my  land 
lord — the  taxes  hi  paid  to  support  the  splendours 
of  the  king,  God  bless  im — the  tithes  hi  paid  for 
supporting  the  established  church,  without  which 
hevery  body  knows  there  can  be  no  religion — and 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  121 

the  poor  rates  which  hi  paid  to  keep  hup  that  state 
of  poverty  and  dependence,  without  which  no 
people  can  be  virtuous  and  appy — hall  these  put 
together,  pulled  me  down  hevery  year  by  little 
hand  little.  But  hall  these  were  has  notiiing  com 
pared  to  certain  hother  matters.  The  cost  of  main 
taining  hold  Hengland,  in  the  igh  latitude  of  the 
bulwark  of  religion,  fell  ard  upon  me — then  haf- 
ter  that,  the  putting  down  of  Bonaparte,  hand 
securing  the  liberties  hoff  Heurope,  fleeced  me 
pretty  andsomely.  But  hi  might  ave  got  hover 
these,  but  for  a  plentiful  arvest,  which  coming  on 
the  back  of  hall  the  rest,  stripped  me  of  the  fruits 
of  my  labours,  hand  brought  me  pretty  deeply 
in  debt. 

•  "  Habout  this  time,  Satan,  who  halways  his  hat 
ha  man's  helbows  hin  time  hof  distress,  threw  hin 
my  way  that  mischievous  radical  Birkbeck's  book 
liabout  the  Henglish  Prairie,  which  seduced  me 
hinto  the  hidea  of  selling  hoff  my  hall  and  hemi- 
grating  to  Hamerrykey." 

<:  Did  you  ever  read  the  Quarterly  ?"  said  I. 

"  Nay — but  hi  have  h attended  the  quarter  ses 
sions  pretty  regularly  for  many  years  past,"  re 
plied  he. 

"  Ah  !  what  a  pity — what  a  pity,"  said  I — "  if 
you  had  only  read  the  Quarterly  you'd  never  have 
come  to  this  land  of  gouging,  dirking,  bundling, 
and  guessing." 

"  Hi  guess  not,"  quoth  he,  and  went  on  with 
his  story. 

11 


122  JOHN    BULL  IN  AMERICA* 

"  Hi  was  ha  saying,  that  Birkbeck's  book  fefi 
hin  my  way,  hand  gave  such  ha  seducing  pic 
ture  of  the  Prairie,  that  hi  sold  hoff,  and  all  the 
stock  hi  ad  saved,  from  the  landlord,  the  king, 
the  church,  the  paupers,  the  bulwark  of  religion, 
the  securing  hof  the  liberties  hof  Heurope,  hand 
the  plentiful  arvest.  The  proceeds  hi  turned  into 
guineas,  hand  quilted  them  into  the  waistband  hof 
my  breeches." 

I  shall  here  give  the  remainder  of  his  narrative 
in  Yankee  English,  for  really  I  have  been  just  long 
enough  here  to  find  the  writing  of  pure  English 
rather  awkward. 

"  I  embarked,"  continued  my  companion,  "for 
Boston,  which,  I  learned  from  a  gentleman  who 
told  me  he  superintended  the  geography  of  the 
Quarterly  Review,  was  close  by  English  Prairie, 
On  landing  there,  which  I  did  without  being  ship 
wrecked,  although  the  vessel  was  a  Yankee,  and 
the  captain  and  crew  drunk  all  the  voyage,  the 
first  thing  I  did  was  to  ask  how  far  it  was  to 
English  Prairie  ?  I  was  in  a  hurry,  and  wanted 
to  get  there  before  night.  The  landlord,  of  whom 
I  inquired,  after  scratching  his  head  some  time> 
replied  : — 

"  English  Prairie— are  you  going  there  ?" 
«  Yes — I  expect  to  be  there  before  dark." 
"  Do  you  ? — Why  then  I  guess  you  mean  to 
travel  in  a  balloon— don't  you  ?" 

"  Dam'me,  sir,"  replied  I,  "  do  you  mean  to 
me?" 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA,  123 

-  Hoax— what's  that?" 

»'I  say  quiz  me." 

«  Quiz—what's  that  ?" 

"  I  say,"  replied  I,  "  can  you  tell  me  how  far  it 
is  to  English  Prairie  ?" 

"  Why,  if  you  really  wish  to  know — I  can't 
say  exactly,  for  I  never  was  there — but  I  should 
guess  it  can't  be  less  than  twelve  hundred  miles,  or 
thereabouts." 

"  Twelve  hundred  d Is,"  cried  I. 

"No,  not  devils,"  said  Jonathan,  "  but  miles; 
and  devilish  long  miles,  I  reckon." 

"  Looking  about,  I  saw  a  map  of  the  states, 
which,  by  the  way,  is  a  usual  thing  all  over  this 
country,  the  people  being  eternally  travelling  by 
maps.  On  examination,  I  found,  to  my  utter  as 
tonishment,  that  brother  Jonathan  was  right.  I 
might  as  well  have  gone  to  English  Prairie  by  way 
of  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope,  as  Boston.  This  was 
one  of  the  first  blessed  effects  of  Birkbeck's  book. 
On  referring  to  it,  I  found,  indeed,  that  he  had  sta 
ted  the  distance  and  the  route,  but  it  had  escaped 
my  notice,  confound  him. 

"  However,  since  I  had  come  so  far,  I  thought 
I  would  not  go  back  with  a  flea  in  my  ear,  and  so 
I  determined  to  seek  the  distant  land  of  promise." 

"  What  a  pity — what  a  pity,"  interrupted  I, 
"  you  never  read  the  Quarterly." 

"  I  am  determined  to  read  nothing  else  from  this 
time  forward — at  least  if  I  can  procure  a  copy," 
replied  he;  upon  which  I  handed  him  the  English 


<v 


124  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

copy  of  the  fifty-eighth  number,  telling  him  it  was 
heartily  at  his  service  during  the  time  we  travel 
led  together.  He  thanked  me,  called  me  my  lord 
three  times,  and  proceeded. 

"  It  would  be  tedious  to  give  an  account  of  the 
difficulties,  mortifications,  insults,  dangers,  and 
scrapes  I  encountered  in  my  journey.  I  was  four 
times,  robbed  of  all  I  had  in  the  world.  I  was  six 
times  gouged,  eight  times  dirked,  and  several 
times  roasted  at  a  log  fire,  before  I  arrived  at  Eng 
lish  Prairie.  By  the  blessing  of  Providence,  how 
ever,  I  got  there  at  last,  and  much  good  did  it  do 
me.  My  first  disappointment  in  not  meeting  the 
back  country  close  by  the  sea  shore,  was  nothing  to 
those  I  encountered  here.  Instead  of  finding  the 
back  woods  all  cleared  away,  comfortable  houses, 
barns,  fences,  hedges,  ditches,  school-houses, 
churches,  bishops,  noblemen,  and  kings,  I  found 
a  parcel  of  rude,  hard-working  men,  with  axes  on 
one  shoulder,  "and  guns  on  the  other.  The  first 
thing  they  told  me  was  to  cut  down  the  trees, 
which  were  generally  about  the  size  of  a  hogshead. 
I  laid  close  siege  to  one  for  three  days,  and  found 
by  a  pretty  clear  deduction,  that  it  would  take 
five  days  more  to  bring  it  to  the  earth.  I  then 
counted  the  trees  upon  my  plantation,  and  disco 
vered  that  if  I  lived  to  the  age  of  Methuselah,  I 
might  possibly  clear  a  place  big  enough  for  a  po 
tato  patch. 

"  My  next  inquiry  was,  as  to  how  they  procur 
ed  their  food.  '  You  must  go  into  the  woods/ 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  125 

said  a  fellow  in  a  hunting  shirt  and  moccasons, 
•  there  is  plenty  of  deer  and  wild  turkeys.'  '  But 
I  never  fired  a  gun  in  my  life/  answered  I.  '  Then 

what  the  d 1  sent  you  here?'  cried  he,  at  the 

same  time  gouging  out  one  of  my  eyes,  I  suppose 
to  qualify  me  to  take  aim  with  proper  accuracy. 
Not  being  able  to  cut  down  trees,  or  shoot  deer 
and  wild  turkeys,  I  was  in  a  fair  way  of  starving. 
I  resolved  for  the  last  resort,  the  poor-house. — 
But  in  this  barbarous  place,  there  was  no  poor- 
house  to  be  found.  I  then  applied  to  my  good 
neighbour,  who  had  favoured  me  by  gouging  out 
one  eye,  for  apiece  of  venison.  He  gave  me  a  sad 
dle  and  a  wild  turkey,  saying,  at  the  same  time,  in 
the  most  unfeeling  manner,  '  every  body  works 
here,,  friend,  and  every  man  provides  for  himself. 
Don't  come  again  begging.'  Whereupon  he  goug 
ed  out  another  eye.  Shortly  after  he  came  to  in 
vite  me  to  a  barbacue,  as  it  is  called,  which  is  a 
sort  of  feast,  where  they  generally  serve  up  a  ba 
ked  Indian  or  two,  whom  they  have  hunted  and 
shot  in  the  course  of  the  morning.  I  expressed  my 
abhorrence  of  this  cannibal  feast,  and  declined  go 
ing,  upon  which  he  gouged  out  another  eye,  and 
swore  he'd  not  leave  a  single  eye  in  my  head  if  I 
did'nt  go.  Thinking  it  better  to  eat  Indians  than 
be  blind,  I  signified  my  consent,  and  accompanied 
this  hospitable  person. 

"It  would  be  impossible  to  describe  this  feast. 
Suffice  it  to  say,  that  it  ended  in  a  scene  of  drunk 
enness  and  bloodshed,  that  was  enough  to  sicken  a 
11* 


1-26  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

pirate  or  a  republican.  The  conclusion  was,  that 
every  soul  present  was  either  murdered  or  left  in 
sensible  on  the  ground — after  which  they  threw 
me  upon  a  log-fire,  and  burnt  me  to  a  cinder,  be 
cause  I  wouldn't  drink  f  confusion  to  the  Holy 
Alliance.'  My  misfortunes  did  not  end  here  ;  in 
one  night  they  robbed  me  of  twenty  or  thirty 
pigs,  it  being  their  maxim  that  it  is  more  conve 
nient  to  steal  than  buy,  which  constitutes  the  quin 
tessence  of  republican  ethics,*  as  the  Quarterly 
says.  I  was  on  my  way  to  the  judge,  to  complain 
of  this  theft,  when  I  met  my  gouging  friend,  to 
whom  I  related  my  misfortune.  He  burst  into  a 
horse-laugh,  which  resolved  itself  into  a  yell,  and 
tapered  off  with  the  Indian  war-whoop.  When 
he  had  done,  he  solemnly  assured  me  that  my  pigs 
were  now  in  the  judge's  pen  ;  that  his  honour  was 
the  most  noted  pig-stealer  in  the  place,  and  had 
been  elevated  to  the  bench  solely  on  that  account, 
it  being  shrewdly  suspected  that  he  would  let  off 
all  the  pig-stealers,  who  constitute  the  majority  of 
the  people,  from  a  fellow  feeling.  < It  is  of  no  use/ 
said  he,  ( to  go  to  the  judge.  The  only  remedy 
you  have,  is  to  try  and  steal  somebody  else's  pigs, 
If  you  can  rob  the  judge,  you  will  get  his  place  to 
a  certainty.'  I  expressed  an  abhorrence  of  this 
mode  of  righting  myself;  upon  which  he  swore  I 
had  reflected  upon  the  native  character,  and  gouged 
out  one  of  my  eyes. 

"  Soon  after,  it  was  buzzed  about  that  I  had  been 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eug.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  127 

on  the  point  of  appealing  to  the  laws  for  redress, 
and  moreover  demurred  to  the  Indian^law  of  reta 
liation,  the  only  law  in  force  at  English  Prairie. 
For  these  heinous  offences,  I  was  informed  pri 
vately,  by  a  worthy  English  settler,  who  had  been 
like  me  seduced  by  Mr.  Birkbeck,  that  they  had 
hired  a  man  to  dirk  me  for  ten  dollars,  the  usual 
price  of  blood  in  this  country,  as  Mr.  Chichester 
says.*  Thinking  it  high  time  to  take  care  of  my 
self,  I  sold  my  land  at  less  than  half  price,  to  the 
worthy  English  settler,  and  made  off,  with  all  the 
speed  in  my  power,  for  a  civilized  Christian  land. 
I  had  almost  forgot  to  tell  you,  that  just  on  the 
skirt  of  the  Prairie,  I  met  a  party  of  ladies,  belong 
ing  to  the  settlement,  who  roasted  me  alive,  at  a 
log-fire.  It  was  a  mercy  that  I  escaped." 

"  Pray,"  said  I,  when  he  had  finished,  "do  they 
ever  read  the  Quarterly  at  English  Prairie?" 

"  The  Quarterly!  Lord  bless  you — they  read 
nothing  but  Tom  Paine.  I  never  saw  any  other 
book  in  all  the  Western  country/' 

"  Not  read  the  Quarterly !"  exclaimed  I— "Ah, 
that  accounts  for  their  barbarity." 

We  now  entered  a  dense,  smoky,  drizzling  at- 
mfcsphere,  which  succeeded  so  suddenly  to  a  bright 
cloudless  day.  that  we  did  not  know  what  to  make 
of  it.  As  we  proceeded,  the  density  and  drizzling 
increased,  so  that  it  became  impossible  to  distin 
guish  the  road,  which,  however,  was  of  the  less 
consequence,  as  our  driver  had  been  for  some  time 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


128  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

nodding  on  his  seat  fast  asleep.  Suddenly  the 
horses  stopped  of  themselves,  at  what  after  a  con 
siderable  degree  of  peering  about,  I  discovered  to 
be  a  house,  on  the  long  piazza  of  which  were  seat 
ed  an  immense  number  of  fat  fellows,  with  broad- 
brimmed  hats,  smoking  and  spitting  in  the  true  re 
publican  style,  that  is  to  say,  in  every  one's  faces.* 
This  circumstance  accounted  for  the  smoky  and 
drizzling  atmosphere,  which  extended  upwards  of 
three  miles  in  circumference,  and  obscured  the 
whole  city,  which  was  called  Communipaw.  Such 
is  the  extent  of  this  practice  of  smoking  tobacco, 
that  at  a  certain  period  of  the  year,  during  the  au 
tumn,  when  the  people  of  the  country  have  finish 
ed  gathering  in  the  products  of  their  fields,  and 
their  leisure  time  comes,  they  commence  a  smok 
ing  festival,  in  which  every  man,  woman,  and 
child  partakes.  This  festival  lasts  five  or  six 
weeks,  during  which  time  the  atmosphere  through 
out  the  whole  extent  of  the  country  becomes  so 
hazy,  and  obscure,  that  they  are  obliged  to  burn 
candles  all  day,  and  a  perpetual  drizzling  prevails, 
owing  to  the  unseemly  habit  of  spitting,  which  all 
our  English  travellers  have  heretofore  noticed 
among  these  immaculate  republicans.  This  season 
is  called  the  Indian  summer,  and  the  people  pre 
tend  to  ascribe  it  to  the  Indian  custom  of  burning 
the  long  grass  of  the  immense  Prairies  in  the  west". 
But  the  above  is  the  true  solution,  I  can  assure  my 
readers. 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

Being  resolved  not  to  sit  still  in  the  stage,  and 
be  spitten  to  death,  for  all  the  stages  here  are 
without  covering,  for  the  convenience  of  letting  in 
the  rain,  I  jumped  out  and  sheltered  myself  under 
a.  neighbouring  shed.  By-and-by  I  heard  the  dri 
ver  calling  for  his  passengers,  but  I  was  determined 
not  to  be  hurried,  and  took  no  notice  of  his  inso 
lence.  Presently  I  heard  the  cracking  of  the  whip 
and  the  rumbling  of  the  wheels,  when  I  thought  to 
myself  I  had  better  condescend  to  call  and  stop 
him.  Accordingly  I  sallied  forth  in  the  fog  and 
drizzle,  calling  out  to  stop  as  loud  as  I  could  bawl, 
and  running  every  now  and  then  against  a  long 
pipe,  invisible  in  the  obscurity.  The  sound  of 
the  wheels  served  as  a  sort  of  guide  through  the 
Cimmerian  shades ;  but  as  ill  luck  would  have  it, 
just  as  I  came  up  with  the  stage,  which  I  afterwards 
discovered  had  been  stopped  at  the  pressing  in 
stances  of  my  companion,  I  unfortunately  fell  into 
a  ditch  by  the  road  side,  where  I.  was  grievously 
annoyed  by  a  concert  of  frogs,  which  mistaking 
me,  I  suppose,  for  king  Log,  jumped  upon  me,  and 
sung  with  true  republican  melody. 

"  You  democratic  rascal,"  cried  I  to  the  driver, 
"  what  business  had  you  to  go  off  without  me?" 

"  Why,"  replied  the  impudent  scoundrel,  "  I 
thought  you  had  gone  off  without  me.  I  hollowed 
till  my  throat  was  so  dry,  that  I  was  obliged  to 
call  for  a  pint  of  whiskey  to  whet  my  whistle." 

"  But  why  didn't  you  stop  when  I  called?" 

"  Why,"  replied  the  villain,  "  it  was  so  foggy 
I  couldn't  see  which  way  the  sound  came  from.'? 


1  30  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

Upon  this  I  was  going  to  thrash  him  soundly  for 
his  insolence,  when  my  companion  advised  me 
not.  "  If  you  attempt  it,"  said  he,  "  ten  to  one 
you  will  lose  both  eyes,  and  the  better  part  of  your 
nose,  for  this  fellow  has  exactly  the  look  of  a  first- 
rate  gouger."  I  thereupon  determined  to  put  up 
with  the  affair,  considering  it  a  portion  of  that  se 
ries  of  imposition,  impudence,  rudeness,  and  bar 
barity  which  constitutes  the  basis  of  the  republican 
character.* 

It  is  in  truth  impossible  to  be  in  this  country  a 
day  without  being  thoroughly  convinced  of  the 
fact,  that  the  possession  of  freedom  necessarily 
brings  with  it  an  overwhelming  mass  of  ignorance, 
corruption,  and  barbarity.!  This  position  is  sup 
ported  by  the  history  of  the  world,  and  the  exam 
ple  of  all  nations.  The  republics  of  Greece  were 
little  better  than  nests  of  barbarous  libertines,  as  is 
proved  by  the  licentious  freedoms  which  Terence, 
and  other  comic  writers,  took  with  persons  in  au 
thority  at  Athens  ;  their  banishment  of  Grotius, 
and  others,  the  most  illustrious  of  their  citizens. 
Their  whole  claim  to  learning  consisted  in  being 
able  to  talk  Greek  ;  and  as  to  their  excellence  in 
the  mechanical  arts,  such  as  sculpture  and^ainting, 
they  are  far  excelled  by  the  manufactories  of  Bir 
mingham  and  Sheffield,  in  skill,  and  by  the  pot-ba 
kers  of  Staffordshire,  in  the  art  of  painting.  And 
how  can  it  be  otherwise,  since  it  is  morally  im 
possible  it  should  be  otherwise  in  all  free  states. 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed.  f  Ditto. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  131 

The  great  and  universal  stimulus  to  excellence 
of  every  kind,  is  a  desire  to  please  those  above  us. 
To  the  applauses  of  our  equals  we  are  indifferent, 
and  the  admiration  of  our  inferiors  only  excites 
our  contempt.  A  conquering  general,  followed 
by  thousands  of  people  shouting  at  his  heels,  throw 
ing  up  their  caps,  and  giving  way  to  all  the  extra 
vagances  of  vulgar  enthusiasm,  looks  with  indif 
ference  at  the  crowd,  and  sighs  for  the  glorious 
privilege  of  being  permitted  to  kneel  at  the  foot 
stool  of  his  most  august  and  gracious  sovereign, 
and  to  kiss  his  hand.  What  is  the  applause  and 
admiration  of  a  whole  people  compared  to  being 
made  a  knight  companion  of  Bath,  and  called  sir? 
This  noble  desire  to  please  the  great,  is  founded  on 
the  conviction,  that  they  alone  are  worth  pleasing, 
because  they  only  have  the  power  of  rewarding.  It 
is  by  their  approbation  and  influence  alone,  that 
merit  can  hope  to  attain  to  its  reward  in  the  pos 
session  of  titles,  the  only  object  of  honourable  am 
bition  ;  and  of  wealth,  the  sole  means  of  rational 
enjoyment,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 

But  where  there  is  no  distinction  of  rank,  and 
all  men  are  equal,  the  universal  stimulus  is  want 
ing.  There  is  nobody  to  please  worth  pleasing,  be 
cause  there  are  no  kings,  or  nobility,  whose  smile 
alone  confers  distinction ;  and  there  is  nothing 
worth  asking  our  genius  to  attain,  because  there 
are  neither  titles,  ribbons,  nor  pensions.  Hence 
arises  the  lamentable  lack  of  illustrious  men.,  in 
ancient  as  well  as  modern  republics,  and  the  de- 


132  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA, 

plorable  contrast  they  exhibit  compared  with  the 
splendours  of  Sesostris,  Xerxes,  Alaric,  and  prince 
Esterhazy  in  his  diamond  coat.  It  is  unnecessa 
ry  to  multiply  examples  to  prove  that  the  human 
mind  can  never  attain  to  its  highest  elevation  in  a 
republic,  and  that  as  the  United  States  never  have, 
so  it  is  probable  they  never  will,  produce  a  truly 
great  man  until  their  government  has  titles,  pen 
sions,  and  ribbons  to  bestow,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 
The  same  causes  lie  at  the  root  of  that  coarse 
ness,  rudeness,  and  forwardness  of  manner,  for 
which  these  immaculate  republicans  (as  the  Quar 
terly  says*)  are  so  infamously  distinguished.  All 
the  regulations  of  polite  life,  and  all  refinements  of 
manners,  are  the  result  of  imitation,  and  people 
never  think  of  imitating  their  equals,  much  less 
their  inferiors.  Now,  nothing  can  be  clearer  than 
that  where  all  are  equal,  as  in  this  immaculate  re 
public,  there  can  be  nobody  to  be  imitated,  and 
consequently  no  refinement  of  manners,  and  no 
judicious  perception  of  what  is  due  to  themselves 
or  to  others.  People  unacquainted  with  the  di 
vine  majesty  of  a  king,  the  splendours  of  his 
nobility,  and  the  wealth  of  his  bishops,  cannot 
possibly  have  any  proper  idea  of  the  dignity 
of  human  nature.  Having  no  standard  among 
them,  it  is  plain  they  must  degenerate  into  barba 
rism,  merely  for  want  of  a  proper  example.  Thai 
awe  which  seizes  the  mind  in  the  presence  of  a 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  133 

king,  runs  through  all  the  gradations  of  life.  In 
the  presence  of  a  nobleman,  it  becomes  a  due  re 
spect  for  rank — in  that  of  a  bishop,  a  proper  sense 
of  religion — and  finally,  by  degrees,  it  settles  down 
into  that  refined  sentiment  of  politeness,  which 
proportions  its  attentions  to  the  dress,  equipage, 
and  general  appearance  of  wealth  a  man  exhibits  to 
the  world. 

Here,  on  the  contrary,  where  the  vulgar  system 
of  equality  extends  to  all  classes,  there  exists  a  cer 
tain  low  emulation  of  the  pretensions  of  every  man 
who  carries  any  appearance  of  superiority  or  holds 
himself  aloof  from  the  crowd.     If  he  does  not  sit 
at  table  with  tag,  rag,  and  bobtail,  and  condescend 
to  sleep  three  in  a  bed  with  any  body  the  landlord 
pleases  to  select  for  his  companions,  he  may  reck 
on  himself  fortunate  in  escaping  without  the  loss 
of  an  eye  and  a  piece  of  his  nose.    An  instance  of 
this  barbarous  antipathy  to  broadcloth  coats  occur 
red  in  the  steam-boat,  coming  from  Boston,  which 
I  omitted  to  notice  at  the  time.     I  was  dressed  in 
a  blue  frock  of  Shepherd's  best  regent  cloth,  hand 
somely  embroidered,  and  every  thing  else  in  the 
first  London  style,  leaning  over  the  side  railing, 
when  I  felt  some  one  almost  touch  my  elbow. 
On  turning  round,  there  was  a  fellow  in  a  gray 
suit  of  domestic  manufactures,  a  half-worn   hat 
that  smacked  of  the  last  century,  and  shoes  with 
soles  at  least  an  inch  thick.     If  the  truth  was 
known,    I  verily  believe  he  wore   hob-nails  in 
them.     I  gave  him  a  look  which  would  have  sent 
12 


134  JOHN  B*LL  IN  AMERICA. 

a  peasant  in  any  civilized  country,  about  his  bu 
siness  in  a  hurry.  But  the  creature  remained 
hanging  over  the  railing,  close  at  my  elbow,  and 
on  our  passing  a  fir-built  vessel  with  a  bit  of  strip 
ed  bunting  at  her  mast-head,  had  the  impudence  to 
speak  to  me.  <rThat,  I  believe,  is  Old  Irorfsides," 
said  he.  I  looked  at  him  with  a  vacant  stare,  and 
said  nothing.  "I  was  saying,"  resumed  the  home 
spun  creature,  "  that  ship  is  the  United  States  fri 
gate  Constitution.  What  a  fine  old  ship !" — and 
then  his  eyes  sparkled  most  intolerably.  I  look 
ed  at  him  with  my  quizzing  glass,  dropt  my  under 
lip,  and  turned  on  my  heel,  without  taking  any 
further  notice  of  him  or  Old  Ironsides,  and  walked 
to  another  part  of  the  boat.  In  about  half  a  minute 
he  followed  me. 

<c  Pray,  sir/'  said  he,  ee  have  you  the  misfor 
tune  to  be  deaf?"  No  answer. 

"  Are.  you  dumb,  sir?"  No  answer,  but  a  per 
severing  reconnoitre  through  the  quizzing  glass. 

"  If  you  can  neither  speak  nor  hear,  may  be  you 
can  feel,"  said  the  turbulent  spawn  of  democracy, 
raising  his  fist  which  was  luckily  arrested  by  the 
little  Frenchman,  who,  I  suppose,  was  resolved 
that  nobody  should  murder  me  but  himself.  "  Dia- 
ble  !"  cried  the  little  man,  "  what  is  the  matter — • 
what  has  Monsieur  John  Bull  done,  that  you  will 
knock  him  down,  eh  ?"  A  Frenchman,  somehow 
or  other,  can  do  any  thing  with  barbarians.  The 
homespun  monster  dropped  his  huge  paw,  and  re 
sumed  a  perfect  good  humour. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  135 

"  I  am  wrong,"  said  he,  "  because  he  is  a  stran 
ger  I  perceive.  Had  he  been  one  of  my  own  coun 
trymen,  I  would  have  licked  him  for  his  ill  man 
ners." 

"  Why,  what  did  Monsieur  do?"  asked  the  lit 
tle  Frenchman. 

"  I  spoke  to  him  twice,  and  he  would  not  an 
swer  me.  It  is  the  duty  of  every  gentleman  to 
answer  a  civil  question.  He  was  a  stranger  and 
alone,  and  I  thought  I  would  speak  to  him." 

"Diable!"  said  the  little  man,  "don't  you 
know  this  is  the  great  Monsieur  John  Bull,  the 
bulwark  of  religion,  the  grand  restorer  of  the 
liberties  of  Europe,  who  gained  the  battle  of  Wa 
terloo  all  by  himself,  and  who  is  the  most  learned, 
polite,  and  refined  gentleman  in  the  whole  world? 
Eh  bien — it  is  lucky  he  did  not  look  you  stone 
dead.  Don't  you  see  his  coat  cost  ten  times  as 
much  as  yours? — Diable  I  it  was  great  courage  to 
speak  to  him  once,  much  more  twice." 

Here  all  the  company  burst  into  a  coarse  repub 
lican  laugh,  I  could  never  tell  at  what,  and  the 
homespun  monster  departed  with  something  on 
his  tongue  which  sounded  veryjnuch  like  "  a  dumb 
founded  potato."  From  this  little  anecdote  the 
reader  may  form  some  faint  idea  of  the  gross  free 
dom  which  pervades  the  manners  of  these  repub 
licans,  who  pay  no  more  respect  to  regent's  cloth 
than  they  would  to  the  regent  himself. 


136 


CHAP.  XII. 

Miserable  country — People  astonished  to  hear  him  talk  English 
— Arrive  at  an  inn — Six  or  seven  de.ul  justices  lying  in  the 
court-yard — None  of  the  Americans  speak  or  write  English — 
Filial  piety  and  parental  affection  among  genuine  republican? 
— Mint  juleps — Barbarous  indifference  to  life  in  republics — 
Pig-stealing — Conversation  with  the  emigrant — Broiling  a  re 
publican — Republicans  great  snorers — Dr.  Thornton's  reasons 
for  it — Night  scene — Is  robbed — Landlord's  ethics— Apos 
trophe  to  liberty — Phenomenon  of  emigrants  explained — 
— Anxiety  of  republican  damsels  to  attract  Englishmen— Pull 
ing  caps — Meets  an  old  acquaintance, 

AFTER  travelling  all  day  over  rough  roads,  and 
through  a  dreary,  barren  wilderness,  which  is, 
however,  considered  one  of  the  best  peopled  and 
best  cultivated  parts  of  the  country,  and  where 
every  body  was  astonished  to  hear  me  speak  Eng 
lish,  we  arrived  late  in  the  evening  at  Louisville, 
1  the  capital  of  the  state  of  Tennessee.  In  walking 
up  from  the  stage-coach  to  the  inn,  I  stumbled  over 
something,  and  what  was  my  horror  at  discover 
ing  a  dead  body  weltering  in  blood  !  A  little  way 
further  on,  I  stumbled  over  another,  and  in  this 


JOHN    BULL    IK    AMERICA.  137 

way  encountered  six  or  seven,  in  less  than  the 
space  of  thirty  yards.  Inquiring  the  cause  of  their 
deaths,  and  the  reason  of  their  exposure  in  this 
manner,  the  landlord  seemed  at  a  loss  to  under 
stand  me  for  a  few  minutes,  which  I  ascribed  to 
my  speaking  pure  English.  After  a  little  reflec 
tion,  however,  he  seemed  to  recollect  himself. 

"  0 — ay — yes — I  recollect — we  had  a  blow  out 
here  last  Sunday,  and  half  a  dozen  troublesome 
fellows,  they  call  justices,  were  done  for  by  the 
brave  rowdies.*  They  wonyt  interrupt  sport  again 
I  guess." 

I  turned  sick  at  the  barbarous  indifference  of 
this  immaculate  republican,  and  asked  him  why 
they  suffered  these  bodies  to  remain  thus  without 
burial.  "  0,  we  let  them  lie  there  as  a  warning 
to  our  meddlesome  magistrates,  how  they  inter 
rupt  gentlemanly  sports  again.  We  were  just 
roasting  a  John  Bull  for  not  drinking  his  allow 
ance  of  whiskey,  when  these  gentry  thought  pro 
per  to  interfere,  but  we  soon  did  their  business." 
I  may  as  well  remark  here  once  for  all,  that  if  I 
make  these  republicans  talk  good  English  in  my 
journal,  it  is  only  because  it  is  utterly  impossible 
to  reduce  their  jargon  to  writing,  and  if  it  were, 
no  civilized  reader  could  possibly  understand  it. 
There  is  not  a  being  living,  who  is  a  native  of  the 
states,  that  can  talk  or  write  English. 

I  designed  to  question  mine  host  still  farther  on 
this  matter,  but  just  at  the  moment  there  was  a 


Vide  Quarterly. 
12* 


^138  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

great  uproar  in  an  adjoining  room,  accompanied  by 
cries  of  murder,  upon  which  he  hurried  away  "  to 
see  the  sport,"  as  he  was  pleased  to  term  it.  This 
sport,  as  I  afterwards  learned,  consisted  in  a  pro 
mising  young  republican  of  about  seventeen,  at 
tempting  to  gouge  his  father,  who  had  refused  to 
call  for  another  mint  julep.  My  companion,  who 
happened  to  look  in,  attempted  to  interfere,  but 
narrowly  escaped  losing  one,  if  not  both  his  eyes, 
by  the  hands  of  the  old  gentleman,  (every  body  is 
a  gentleman  here,)  who  caned  him  for  his  imperti 
nent  interference,  patting  the  promising  youth  on 
the  head,  and  swearing  he  would  turn  out  a  true 
republican.  Not  content  with  a  single  julep,  he 
called  fora  whole  gallon,  and  they  both  got  loving 
ly  drunk  together.  Such,  indeed,  is  the  rage  for 
mint  juleps  here,  that  nobody  will  buy  a  farm  at 
any  price  unless  it  produces  plenty  of  mint. 

Reflecting  on  the  barbarous  indifference  to  life 
which  characterizes  these  republicans,*  I  did  not 
know  but  they  might  take  it  into  their  heads  to  kill 
me,  and  therefore  proposed  to  my  companion,  the 
worthy  emigrant,  that  we  should  sleep  in  the  same 
room  that  night,  for  mutual  comfort  and  protection. 
He  seemed  delighted  with  the  proposal,  and  we 
accordingly,  after  supper,  adjourned  to  a  double- 
bedded  room,  the  door  of  which  we  locked,  my 
friend  putting  the  key  into  his  pocket  for  safety.  He 
then  took  out  the  fifty-eighth  number  of  the  Quar 
terly  and  began  to  read  the  review  of  Faux's  cele 
brated  tour  in  America,  which  he  said  he  could 

*  Vide  Quarterly*. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  139 

almost  swear  he  had  written  himself,  so  exactly  did 
it  tally  with  his  own  observation  and  experience. 

"And  do  the  judges  actually  steal  pigs?"  in 
quired  I.  "  Pigs!"  answered  my  friend,  "  ay, 
and  every  thing  else  they  can  lay  their  hands  on. 
It  is  a  common  thing  for  them  to  summon  a  man 
before  them,  in  order  to  insure  his  absence  from 
home,  that  they  may  have,  an  opportunity  of  rob 
bing  his  pig-sty  without  interruption."' 

"  And  they  take  bribes  too,  I  suppose?" 

"  You  may  say  that,"  replied  he.  "  There  is 
not  a  judge  in  the  whole  country  that  can  resist  a 
pig  or  two.  But  it  is  seldom  so  high  a  bribe  is 
offered,  except  when  a  man  wants  to  be  acquitted 
of  two  or  three  murders.  The  most  common  dou 
ceur  is  a  paper  of  pins,  and  for  this  you  may  get  a 
decision  which  will  entitle  you  to  a  thousand  or 
two  acres  of  the  best  land  in  the  world.  You  will 
have  to  kill  half  a  dozen  squatters  in  order  to  get 
possession,  but  this  is  considered  a  mere  trifle." 

"  And  were  you  not  jesting  when  you  talked 
about  their  burning  people  on  a  log  fire,  when  they 
refuse  to  drink?" 

"  Not  in  the  least,"  said  he ;  "  I  solemnly  assure 
you  that  nothing  is  more  common  than  such  a  frolic. 
I  knew  several  instances  of  fathers  serving  their  own 
children,  and  boys  their  own  fathers,  in  this  man 
ner,  during  my  stay  at  English  Prairie,  and  it  is 
certain  the  custom  is  common  in  all  the  states." 

Just  at  this  instant  a  most  poignant  smell  pervad 
ed  our  room,  like  that  which  accompanies  the  broil- 
*  Vide  Quarterly, 


140  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

ing  of  a  rasher  of  bacon  on  the  coals.     My  friend 
snuffed  up  the  savoury  effusion,  and  exclaimed, 

"  There !—  they  are  at  it  now,  I'll  bet  a  thous 
and  pounds.  They're  broiling  some  poor  fellow 
to  a  certainty."* 

"  'Tis  bacon,"  said  I. 

"  ?Tis  a  man,"  said  he.  "  I  can  swear  to  the 
smell.  I've  had  too  much  experience  to  be  mista 
ken."  And  thereupon  he  began  reading  the  fifty- 
eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly  again  with  tears 
in  his  eyes. 

It  now  waxed  late  in  the  night.     The  uproar  of 
the  inn  gradually  died  away,  the  smell  of  the  broil 
ed    republican    subsided,    and  nothing  was    now 
heard  save  the  owl,  the  whippoor-will,  the  bull 
frog,  the  wolf,  the  watch-dog,  and  the  sonorous 
tuning  of  many  a  vocal  nose,  chaunting  sweet  hal 
lelujahs  to    the  pure  spirit  of   democracy.     The 
Americans  are,  in  truth,  the  greatest  snorers  in  the 
world,  which  is  doubtjess  owing  to  their  all  sleep 
ing  with  their  mouths  wide  open.     I  was /puzzled 
to  account  for  this  habit,  until  Dr.  Thornton  after 
wards  assured  me  they  slept  with  their  mouths 
wide  open  for  the  convenience  of  swallowing  a 
mint  julep,  which  was  always  poured  down  their 
throats  before  they  awoke  in  the  morning,  to  keep 
them  from  getting  the  intermitting  fever.     Late 
as  it  was,  I  felt  no  inclination  to  sleep.     I  looked 
out  of  the.  window,  and  by  the  light  of  the  moon 
could  distinguish  the   bodies  of  the  unfortunate 
magistrates,  their  pale  faces  turned  upwards,  and 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  141 

their  white  teeth  shining  in  the  silvery  ray.  Pre 
sently  I  saw  a  man  cautiously  stealing  along  to 
wards  the  piggery,  which  is  always  in  one  corner 
of  the  kitchen,  for  the  sake  of  security.  He  dis 
appeared  through  the  kitchen  window;  in  a  few 
moments  a  musket  was  fired,  and  I  heard  no  more 
of  the  matter.  The  next  morning  all  was  explain 
ed.  It  was  a  neighbouring  judge,  who  feeling  an 
inclination  for  one  of  mine  host's  fat  porkers,  inva 
ded  his  pig-sty  that  night.  But  to  use  the  land 
lord's  choice  phrase,  "  he  got  his  bitters," — that 
is  to  say,  he  was  shot  through  the  head  by  mine 
host,  who  was  on  the  watch,  and  I  saw  his  body 
lying  with  the  rest  the  next  day. 

Still  sleep  fled  from  my  eyes,  "  the  innocent 
sleep,"  for  it  could  not  exist  amid  these  republican 
horrors.  My  companion  grew  more  and  more  ar 
dent  in  his  persuasions  for  me  to  go  to  bed.  "  We 
will  take  turns  to  watch,  and  I  will  begin — Have 
you  any  arms  ?  give  them  to  me."  I  handed  him 
my  pistols,  and  at  length  overcome  by  his  persua 
sions  went  to  bed.  It  was  long  ere  I  could  com 
pose  myself  to  rest;  but  at  length  the  fatigues  of 
the  day  gradually  overpowered  my  apprehensions 
and  I  fell  asleep.  How  long  I  slept  I  know  not 
but  I  was  disturbed  by  something  rummaging  un 
der  my  pillow,  where  I  had  placed  my  watch  and 
pocket-book.  The  lights  were  all  out,  and  I  could 
see  nothing;  but  thinking  the  little  Frenchman 
was  certainly  come  again,  I  called  out  "  murder," 
as  loud  as  I  could,  and  thereupon  heard  the  door 


142  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

Open,  and  somebody  run  off  down  the  passage,  as 
fast  as  possible.  Presently  mine  host  and  several 
other  per  .ms,  came  into  the  room  with  lights,  and 
inquired  what  was  the  matter? 

"  There  has  been  an  attempt  to  rob  and  murder 
me,"  replied  I. 

"  Well,  what  of  that?"  replied  mine  host— 
"  You  need  not  have  made  such  an  infernal  uproar, 
and  disturbed  the  whole  house  about  nothing." 

"  Nothing !  do  you  call  robbing  and  murdering 
a  man  nothing?" 

"  Yes,"  replied  he,  "  just  next  to  nothing.  I 
have  known  a  dozen  people  robbed  and  murdered 
in  this  house,  with  less  noise  than  the  stirring  of  a 
mouse.  But  let  us  see  if  you  have  lost  any  thing?" 

On  examination,  I  found  my  watch  and  pocket- 
book,  which  I  had  placed  under  iny  pillow,  safe  ; 
but  my  pockets  were  rifled,  and  my  pistols  miss 
ing,  together  with  the  fifty-eighth  number  of  the 
Quarterly. 

"  But  where  is  your  companion  ?"  asked  some 
one.  "  Far  enough  from  hence,  by  this  time,  I'll 
warrant  you  ;"  said  mine  host. 

«<  What  d'ye  mean  by  that?"  said  I. 

"  I  mean  that  he  has  got  your  purse  and  pistols, 
and  you  won't  see  him  again  in  a  hurry.  The  mo 
ment  he  came  into  the  house  last  night,  I  knew 
him  for  the  English  swindler,  who  broke  jail  last 
spring.5' 

"  And  why  didn't  you  tell  me  he  was  a  swin 
dler  ?"  said  I  indignantly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  143 

•;  Why,  to  say  the  truth,  I  took  you  for  another. 
Such  pointers  generally  hunt  in  couples.  Besides, 
there  is  so  little  difference  among  us  genuine  re 
publicans,  between  an  honest  man  and  a  swindler, 
that  the  distinction  is  not  worth  pointing  out/' 

"  I  shall  go  to  the  justice  and  lay  an  informa 
tion,"  said  I. 

"  You  needn't  give  yourself  the  trouble,"  re 
plied  mine  host  carelessly :  "  there  was  but  one 
justice  left  in  all  this  county,  and  him  I  shot*  last 
night  for  making  free  with  my  pig-sty. 

"  0,  liberty !"  ejaculated  I,  in  the  bitterness  of 
my  heart,  "  thou  art  but  a  name — or  rather  thou 
art  a  name  for  all  that  degrades  and  disgraces  hu 
man  nature.  Well  may  the  Quarterly" — Here 
my  soliloquy  was  cut  short  by  the  blowing  of  the 
driver's  tin  trumpet,  the  signal  for  departure. 

The  disappointed  emigrantfrom  English  Prairie 
did  not  make  his  appearance,  and  I  pursued  my 
journey,  wrapt  in  solitary  reflections.  Insensi 
bly  I  fell  into  a  train  of  thought  which  led  to  an 
inquiry  into  the  extraordinary  paradox,  that  a 
country  like  this,  destitute  of  every  virtue,  and 
devoid  of  every  attraction  under  heaven,*  should 
thus  have  imposed  upon  the  whole  world  (except 
the  Quarterly  Reviewers)  and  lured  from  all  parts 
of  Christendom,  crowds  of  emigrants,  who  tired 
as  it  would  seem,  of  the  calm  and  happy  security 
of  legitimate  governments,  have  sought  misery 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


144  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

and  disappointment  in  these  barbarous  wilds.  But 
mankind,  thought  I,  have  ever  been  the  dupes  of 
boastful  pretension,  and  arrogant  assumptions  of 
superiority.  The  credulity  of  ignorance  is  un 
bounded  ;  and  when  we  revert  to  the  belief  even 
of  sages  and  philosophers;  the  errors  of  Galileo 
and  Copernicus,  with  regard  to  the  great  system 
of  the  universe,  the  blunders  of  JNfewton,  and  the 
follies  of  Philopoemen,  it  were  hardly  just  to  blame 
the*errors  of  the  common  people.  It  is,  therefore, 
excusable  in  the  peasantry  of  distant  countries, 
that  they  should  be  thus  seduced  by  thousands,  to 
leave  their  homes,  by  the  impudent  falsehoods 
every  day  palmed  upon  them  by  Mr.  Birkbeck, 
and  other  retailers  of  radical  trash. 

But  there  is  one  thing  which  puzzled  me  at  first. 
Notwithstanding  the  disappointments  of  these  poor 
people,  their  being  gouged,  dirked,  roasted,  and 
having  their  pigs  stolen  by  the  judges ;  their  being 
regulated  ajad  rowdied,  and  obliged  to  cut  down 
trees  as  big  round  as  a  hogshead — notwithstanding 
there  is  neither  law,  gospel,  decency,  or  morality 
in  the  whole  country,  and  that  no  honest  person 
can  possibly  live  in  it;  notwithstanding  that  every 
emigrant,  without  exception*  is  sighing  ready  to 
break  his  heart,  to  get  home ;  notwithstanding  all 
this,  I  say  it  is  a  remarkable  fact,  that  not  one  in 
a  thousand  ever  goes  home  again !  They  actually 
seem  to  be  fascinated  to  the  spot,  by  the  charm  of 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  145 

misery  and  despair,  like  the  bird  which  flies  into 
the  jaws  of  the  rattle  snake,  in  pure  horror  of  his 
detestable  rattles,  and  poisonous  tooth.  Nay,  some 
of  them  even  contaminate  the  pure  Cockney  blood 
of  Englishmen,  of  which  the  old  giants  were  so 
excessively  fond,*  by  mixing  it  with  that  of  the 
"  guessing,  gouging,  bundling  damsels"  of  this 
detestable  democracy.  Not  content  with  flirting 
with  them,  they  actually  marry  them,  that  is,  when 
they  are  very  rich,  which  indeed  is  some  extenua 
tion.  But  in  justice  to  these  unfortunate  men,  1 
must  acknowledge  that  such  are  the  pains  taken 
by  these  republican  damsels  to  attract  and  entrap 
our  countrymen,  that  it  is  a  miracle  that  any  one 
escapes.  I  happened  to  go  a  second  time  into  a 
shop,  not  long  since,  to  buy  a  laced  cap,  on  specu 
lation,  for  which  the  man  asked  nearly  twice  as 
much  as  when  I  looked  at  it  some  time  before. 
On  my  complaining  of  this,  he  replied — 

"  0,  sir,  the  price  of  laced  caps  has  risen  a  hun 
dred  per  cent,  lately." 

"  From  what  cause?"  said  I. 

"  Why,  sir,  the  truth  is,  that  Major  Tightbody, 
the  tall,  handsome  Englishman,  has  lately  arrived, 
and  the  young  ladies  have  been  pulling  caps  for 
him  at  such  a  rate,  that  it  is  computed  upwards  of 
five  hundred  have  been  more  or  less  torn  to  pieces 

*  "  Fee,  faw,  fum, 

I  smell  the  blood  of  Englishmen, 
Dead  or  alive  I  will  have  some." 

Jack  the,  Giant-Killer. 
13 


146  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

in  consequence.  Judging  from  your  appearance, 
sir,"  continued  he,  bowing,  "  I  should  not  be  sur 
prised  if  you  had  been  accessary  to  the  destruction 
of  a  few.  Whereupon  I  bought  his  cap  without 
further  hesitation.  But  to  return  : 

The  pertinacity  with  which  these  poor  deluded 
emigrants  persist  in  remaining  in  this  miserable, 
degraded,  debauched,  deistical  country,  convinces 
me  that  people  may  actually  be  persuaded  out  of 
their  five  senses.  This  is  the  only  way  of  explain 
ing  the  phenomenon  ;  for  it  is  impossible,  by  any 
other  hypothesis  to  account  for  their  continuing 
to  suffer  in  this  dog's  misery  when  they  can  be 
sent  home  free  of  expense,  provided  they  will  on 
ly  make  affidavit  on  their  arrival  that  there  is  nei 
ther  food,  raiment,  religion,  law,  or  honesty  among 
these  republicans.  As  an  illustration  of  this  unac 
countable  attachment  to  misery,  I  will  state  an  in 
cident  that  occurred  to  me  in  Philadelphia.  In 
strolling  about  one  morning,  who  should  I  meet 
but  the  unfortunate,  deluded,  and  seduced  emigrant 
I  had  picked  out  of  the  gutter  in  New-York,  and 
procured  a  free  passage  to  England.  The  fellow 
was,  as  usual,  pretty  handsomely  "  corned,"  as 
my  friend,  the  communicative  traveller  has  it. — • 
On  expressing  my  surprise,  at  his  being  still  here, 
in  this  miserable  country,  he  hickupped  out — 

"  Why,  please  your  Lordship,  I  considered  bet 
ter  of  it  afterwards" — for,  says  I,  "  this  is  a  d— <<1 
miserable  country  to  be  sure,  but  then  Old  Eng 
land  is  rather  worse,  and  a  prudent  man,  will  al- 


10HN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  147 

ways  stick  to  the  lesser  evil,  my  hearty/'  "  Go  to 

the ,"  said  I.     "  Pm  going  to  the  tavern," 

quoth  he,  and  staggered  over  to  the  sign  of  some 
famous  Yankee  general;  I  believe  they  call  him 
Washington. 


148 


CHAP.  XIII. 

Author  congratulates  himself  on  being  alone  in  the  stage — De 
testable  sociability  of  republicans — Turbulent  spirit  of  demo 
cracy — Driver  a  freeholder — Sunday  sports  among  republi 
cans — Republican  mode  of  driving  into  a  place  in  style — Re 
publican  students — Republican  courage — Republican  law  to 
encourage  learning — Republican  impiety — Republican  bargain 
between  a  republican  professor  of  divinity  and  a  republican  old 
widow — Republican  lies — Republican  students — Republican 
frolic — Republican  mode  of  paying  tavern  bills — Arrived  at 
Philadelphia — Story  of  Ramsbottom — Liberty  the  root  of  all 
evil,  &c. 

I  FOUND  myself  alone  in  the  stage  this  morning, 
greatly  to  my  satisfaction.  Nothing,  indeed,  is  so 
annoying  to  a  well-bred  Englishman,  as  being  in 
company  with  half  a  dozen  of  these  immaculate 
republicans,  who  think,  because  they  pay  the  same 
fare,  they  have  a  right  to  talk  with  any  of  their 
fellow-passengers  without  ceremony.  They  have, 
in  truth,  a  most  detestable  sociability  about  them, 
which  obtrudes  itself  upon  every  body,  and  pays 
no  more  respect  to  a  stranger  in  a  fashionable  coat, 
than  to  an  old  acquaintance  in  rags,  They  stand 


JOHN    BULL     IN    AMERICA.  149 

as  erect  in  the  presence  of  a  great  man  as  in  that 
of  a  little  one,  and  I  verily  believe  if  the  king  were 
to  come  among  them,  they  would  use  no  more  ce 
remony  in  asking  him  questions,  than  if  he  were  a 
pig-stealing  judge.  This  insolent  familiarity  is 
another  of  the  precious  products  of  the  turbulent 
spirit  of  democracy,  which,  by  inculcating  the  ab 
surd  doctrine  of  equality,  destroys  that  salutary 
deference  to  wealth  and  splendour,  without  which 
it  is  scarcely  worth  a  man's  while  to  be  either  rich 
or  splendid.  It  sickens  me  to  see  a  fellow  in  a 
thread-bare  coat,  and  tattered  wool  hat,  making 
up  to  a  gentleman  with  his  head  erect,  and  his  hat 
on  the  top  of  it,  and  asking  him  a  question  without 
the  least  stammering  or  hesitation,  as  you  will  see 
them  do  every  day  in^this  bear-garden  of  demo 
cracy.  The  pleasure  I  felt  in  being  alone,  was, 
notwithstanding,  somewhat  alloyed  by  the  idea  of 
travelling  unarmed  in  this  region  of  banditti,  and 
without  any  companions  to  assist  me  in  case  of  an 
attack.  But  again,  when  I  came  to  recollect  that 
considerably  more  than  three-fourths  of  the  peo 
ple  of  this  puissant  republic  were  themselves  rogues 
and  banditti,  I  comforted  myself  with  the  assur 
ance  that  if  I  had  any  fellow-passengers,  it  would 
be  at  least  three  to  one  in  favour  of  their  robbin°- 
me  themselves,  rather  than  protecting  me  from 
others. 

I  soon  found,  however,  that  I  was  reckoning 
without  my  host,  in  supposing  I  should  be  rid  of 
the  annoyance  of  talking.  The  driver  turned  out 


U>0  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

a  most  sociable  fellow,  and  seemed  to  think  it  in 
cumbent  upon  him  to  entertain  his  solitary  passen 
ger.  He  took  occasion  to  inform  me  that  one  of 
the  houses  we  passed  belonged  to  no  less  a  person 
than  himself;  that  he  was  sole  proprietor  of  one 
hundred  acres  of  land,  and  that  he  was  only  driving 
the  stage  on  this  occasion  in  consequence  of  an 
accident  that  happened  to  the  person  who  usually 
officiated.  I  thought  it  best  to  humour  the  fellow, 
having  been  assured  by  an  intimate  friend,  (one 
of  the  writers  of  the  Quarterly,)  that  if  the  stage- 
drivers  of  this  country  got  displeased  with  their 
passengers,  they  always  took  the  first  opportunity 
in  passing  a  bad  piece  of  road,  to  upset  the  carriage 
and  break  some  of  their  bones.  As  to  the  risk 
they  themselves  run  on  these  occasions,  they  think 
nothing  of  it,  being  at  all  times  perfectly  willing 
to  risk  their  own  necks  for  the  pleasure  of  re 
venging  an  affront.  For  this  reason  all  travellers 
in  this  country  who  wish  to  escape  with  whole 
bones,  make  a  point  of  being  agreeable  to  the  stage- 
drivers,  and  treating  them  to  whiskey  at  every 
tavern.  This  is  the  only  way  they  can  travel  with 
any  remote  chance  of  safety. 

This  being  the  case,  I  was  resolved  to  humour 
the  fellow,  and  be  affable  ;  so  I  asked  what  the 
accident  was  which  procured  me  the  honour  of  be 
ing  driven  by  a  republican  landholder. 

"  0,  a  mere  trifle,"  replied  he — "  he  happened 
to  get  both  eyes  gouged  out  yesterday  in  a  frolic." 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  151 

•<  Frolic!"  said  I — "  do  they  frolic  here  on 
Sundays  ?" 

"  To  be  sure  they  do — it's  an  idle  day,  and  what 
else  should  they  do — you  wouldn't  have  them 
work  would  you  ?" 

"  Why,  no — but  then  they  might  go  to  church, 
you  know." 

"  Church ! — what's  that? — 0,  now  I  recollect — 
I  saw  a  church  once  in  Nova-Scotia,  but  we've 
none  in  the  States,  so  it  would  be  rather  a  long 
Sabbath-day's  journey  to  find  one." 

"  Well,  but  they  might  stay  at  home  and  read 
the  Bible,  or  some  other  good  book— or  they  might 
at  least  say  their  prayers." 

"  Read!"  quoth  Jehu— -"  why  d n  me  if  I 

don't  believe  you're  one  of  our  bloody  aristocrats ! 
No — no — we  love  liberty  too  well  to  oblige  our 
children  to  go  to  school,  and  they  love  it  too  well 
to  go  if  we  sent  them.  Nobody  can  read  here  but 
your  emigrant  foreigners,  and  that's  the  reason 
we  don't  allow  them  to  vote  or  hold  offices." 

A  precious  admission,  thought  I ;  the  Quarterly 
shall  know  this.  "  But  what  becomes  of  your 
children  while  they  are  growing  up,  and  before 
they  are  put  to  a  trade,  or  can  work  in  the  fields  ?" 

"  0,  they  are  left  pretty  much  to  themselves, 
to  learn  the  habits  of  freemen.  They  play  in  the 
road,  and  amuse  themselves  with  frightening  hor 
ses  as  they  come  by.  Or  they  worry  the  puppies 
and  kittens  for  amusement,  when  there  are  no  lit- 


152  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

«L 

tie  niggers  to  set  the  dogs  at.  Their  principle 
business,  however,  is  to  learn  to  chew  tobacco, 
spit  against  the  wind,  drink  whiskey,  and  beat 
their  mothers  for  a  frolic." 

A  hopeful  bringing  up,  thought  I.  "  But  is  it 
possible  that  you  have  neither  churches,  preachers, 
schoolmasters,  nor  Bibles  among  you?" 

"  Not  a  son  of  a  b h  of  them,"  replied  he. 

i(  We  want  nothing  here,  and,  of  course,  there  is 
no  necessity  for  praying — nor  for  parsons  and 
churches — for  your  schoolmasters,  they  only  serve 
to  break  down  the  spirit  of  liberty,  by  whipping 
the  boys — and  for  the  book  you  mention,  I  think 
I  did  see  one  once  somewhere  or  other,  but  I  be 
lieve  it  was  in  Nova-Scotia." 

"  But  what  do  you  do  then  on  Sundays?" 

"  0,  we  don't  want  for  amusement — we  spend 
it  in  drinking,  dirking,  gouging,  pig-stealing, 
swearing,  guessing,  bundling,  and  other  pleasant 
recreations,*  But  we  begin  to  be  tired  of  these, 
as  you  know  people  will  after  a  while ;  and  besides, 
there  are  hardly  any  peepers  left  in  the  whole 
country,  and  the  sport  of  gouging  begins  to  fail. 
My  driver  and  myself  were  the  only  two  left  in 
forty  miles  round,  with  a  pair  of  eyes  a  piece,  and 
he  lost  both  his  yesterday,  as  I  told  you.  I  expect 
mine  will  go  next." 

"  This  is  quite  melancholy,"  said  I.  "  What 
will  you  do  when  there  are  no  eyes  to  be  gouged 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eog.  Ed. 


JOHN    BULL    IN   AMERICA.  153 

out  ?  You  will  have  to  set  down  like  another 
Alexander,  and  weep  that  there  are  no  more 
worlds  to  conquer." 

"  No  danger  of  that,"  replied  Jehu.  "  There 
is  always  plenty  for  variety.  When  the  eyes  are 
all  out  we  fall  to  biting  noses,*  and  by  the  time 
they  are  getting  scarce,  the  little  boys  will  grow 
big  enough  to  have  their  eyes  put  out."  It  is  like 
the  spring,  when  one  flower  pops  up,  as  another 
fades — when  strawberries  are  succeeded  by  cher 
ries,  and  cherries  by  blackberries,  and  blackberries 
by  apples,  pears,  peaches,  pumpkins,  and  potatoes. 
But  yonder  is  Princeton,  and  huzza,  for  a  dashing 
drive  up." 

So  saying  he  cracked  his  whip,  put  his  horses  to 
their  speed,  routed  a  flock  of  sheep,  ran  over  a  lit 
ter  of  pigs,  two  blind  men,  and  a  professor  of  mi 
neralogy,  with  his  pockets  full  of  specimens,  and 
finished  by  upsetting  the  stage  against  the  pump,  to 
the  great  delight  of  a  mob  of  ragged  little  repub 
licans,  at  the  inn-door,  who,  I  afterwards  learned, 
were  students  of  the  college  pursuing  their  studies. 
Luckily  I  escaped  with  only  a  broken  shin,  which 
fortunate  circumstance  the  rascal  insisted  gave  him 
a  legitimate  claim  to  a  double  allowance  of  whis 
key  at  my  hands. 

Princeton  is  the  capital  of  old  Kentucky  as  these 
republican  slang-whangers  call  it,  by  way  of  ex 
pressing  their  affection  for  that  dirking,  gouging, 

*  Vide  Quarterly,  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


154  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

Swearing,  drinking,  blaspheming  state.*  Its  prin 
cipal  boast  is  a  college,  in  which  reading  and  writ 
ing  has  lately  been  introduced  by  the  Lancaster 
method.  There  was  a  formidable  opposition  to 
the  introduction  of  these  aristocratic  branches  of 
education,  but  at  length  the  parents  of  the  students 
consented  on  condition  that  the  matter  should  stop 
here.  The  legislature  accordingly  passed  a  law, 
declaring  a  forfeiture  of  the  charter  in  case  of  the 
introduction  of  any  more  of  these  pestilent  novel 
ties.  The  only  books  they  are  permitted  to  read, 
are  Tom  Paine's  works  ;  and  such  is  the  rigour 
with  which  this  statute  is  enforced,  that  a  student 
was  expelled  the  very  day  before  my  arrival,  for 
only  having  a  Bible  in  his  possession.  It  was  in 
vain  that  he  proved  himself  incapable  of  reading, 
having  got  only  as  far  as  "  No  man  may  put  off 
the  law" — he  was  made  an  example  for  the  bene 
fit  of  republicanism.  What  became  of  the  offend 
ing  Bible,  cannot  be  certainly  said,  but  it  was 
whispered  that  the  professor  of  divinity,  (a  sort  of 
sinecure  here,)  exchanged  it  with  a  pious  old  lady, 
for  a  starched  band  which  belonged  to  her  deceas 
ed  husband. 

Having  an  hour's  leisure  on  my  hands,  I  visited 
the  outside  of  the  college,  which  is  a  log-hut  of 
about  a  hundred  feet  in  length,  with  a  thatched 
roof,  the  windows  of  which  are  all  broken,  it  being 
the  principal  recreation  of  the  students  to  try  their 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN   BULL    IN    AMERICA.  '    155 

skill,  by  throwing  stones  at  a  particular  pane,  and 
whoever  hits  it  first  is  entitled  to  be  head  of  his 
class  for  the  day.  I  did  not  enter  this  classic  fane, 
having  been  told  that  the  penalty  of  such  intrusion, 
on  the  part  of  a  stranger,  is  a  gallon  of  whiskey, 
which  I  did  not  think  worth  incurring.  Some 
body  pointed  out  to  me  the  field,  where,  as  these 
ever-lying,  ever-boasting  republicans  say,  General 
Washington  beat  the  English  and  Hessians  most 
terribly,  and  took  nine  hundred  prisoners. — Here 
I  met  an  old  British  soldier,  who  assured  me  that 
he  was  not  only  at  this,  but  all  the  battles  during 
the  American  rebellion,  and  that  so  far  from  this 
being  the  fact,  it  was  the  British  that  beat  General 
Washington,  and  took  nine  hundred  prisoners  of 
the  Yankees.  He  further  assured  me  that  they 
never  gained  a  single  victory,  in  both  their  wars 
with  England,  and  that  their  whole  book  was  a 
tissue  of  lies  from  beginning  to  end.  I  asked 
him  why  he  did  not  go  to  England,  and  write  a 
history  to  thai,  effect.  "  It  will  be  reviewed  in 
the  Quarterly,  which  will  swear  to  all  you  say  ; 
certify  that  you  are  an  honest  man,  and  tell  the 
truth"* — and  finally  praise  your  work,  so  that  you 
will  certainly  make  your  fortune  by  the  sale,  and 
perhaps  get  a  pension  to  boot." 

"  But  to  tell  you  the  truth,  master,  I  left  his 
majesty's  service  without  taking  leave.  They 
might — you  understand?"  "  By  no  means,"  said 
I ;  "  hundreds  of  deserters  have  been  received  and 

*  Vide  No.  58,  art.  Faux. 


156  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

cherished  only  for  telling  the  truth  of  these  brag 
ging  Yankees!" 

At  dinner  I  was  very  much  annoyed  by  young 
students,  who  gathered  round  and  amused  them 
selves  with  snatching  things'from  the  table,  so"  that 
in  a  little  time  there  was  nothing  left  for  me  to  eat. 
At  fim  I  had  thoughts  of  resenting  this  impertinent 
outrage,  but  observing  that  each  one  carried  a  dirk, 
in  a  side  pocket,  the  handle  of  which  was  perfect 
ly  visible,  I  thought  it  prudent  to  say  nothing,  and 
join  in  the  laugh  which  accompanied  every  suc 
cessful  transfer  of  meat  or  vegetables.  As  it  hap 
pened,  however,  I  was  sufficiently  revenged,  for 
in  the  end  they  fell  out  about  a  favourite  bit,  draw 
their  dirks,  and  in  less  than  five  minutes,  every 
soul  of  them  lay  dead  upon  the  floor.  The  uproar 
brought  in  the  landlord,  two  or  three  professors, 
and  a  justice  of  the  peace,  who,  instead  of  interfer 
ing,  stood  by  enjoying  the  frolic,  as  they  called  it, 
and  laughing  at  every  successful  push. 

The  stage  now  drove  up,  greatly  to  my  satisfac 
tion,  as  I  was  heartily  sick  of  this  classic  abode. 
Such  indeed  was  my  haste,  that  I  jumped  in  with 
out  paying  my  bill,  which  the  landlord  politely 
reminded  me  of.  On  making  an  apology,  he  re 
plied  carelessly,  "  0,  never  mind,  sir,  this  hap 
pens  so  often  with  our  republican  travellers,  that 
I  think  myself  well  off,  if  one  in  ten  pays  me,  and 
him  I  always  charge  for  all  the  rest."  By  this  time 
there  was  a  crowd  of  ragged  students  gathered 
about,  and  on  its  being  whispered  that  I  was  cer- 


JOHN    BULL    IX    AMERICA.  157 

tainly  an  Englishman,  because  I  paid  my  bill,  there 
was  a  cry  of  "  Gouge  him  !  gouge  him  !"  which 
certainly  would  have  been  done,  had  not  the  driver 
charitably  whipped  up  his  horses,  and  distanced 
the.  barbarians,  who  followed  us  for  half  a  mile, 
shouting  and  hallooing  like  Indians. 

That  the  spirit  of  democracy  should  thus  pene 
trate  into  the  hallowed  recesses  of  learning  and 
science,  is  not  to  be  wondered  at.  Liberty  is  the 
root  of  all  evil ;  since  nothing  is  more  certain  than 
that  if  men  have  not  the  power  to  do  evil,  the 
will  signifies  nothing.  From  hence  it  arises,  that 
rogues  and  ruffians  are  chained  to  prevent  the  in 
dulgence  of  their  bad  passions.  Nothing  is  so  ef 
fectual  in  preventing  evil,  as  taking  away  the 
power  of  doing  evil.  The  more  free  a  people  are, 
according  to  the  Quarterly,*  the  more  wicked  they 
will  be,  because  the  privilege  of  doing  every  thing 
not  forbidden  by  the  laws,  will  be  followed  in  the 
natural  course  of  things,  by  the  liberty  of  doing 
every  thing  contrary  to  the  laws.  These  axioms 
are  so  self-evident  that  it  is  unnecessary  to  insist 
upon  them  any  further. 

After  passing  through  Natchitoches,  Passma-. 
quoddy,  Michilimackinac,  and  other  places,  whose 
appearance  is  as  barbarous  as  their  names,  we  ar 
rived  at  Philadelphia,  the  capital  of  the  state,  of 
Moyamensing.  As  this  is  considered  the  most 
orderly,  polite,  civilized,  and  literary  city  of  the 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eug.  Ed. 
14 


158  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

states,  I  comforted  myself  with  the  hope  of  meet 
ing  with  a  different  reception  from  what  I  had 
been  hitherto  accustomed  to,  among  these  imma 
culate  republicans,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  But, 
alas  !  my  hopes  rested  on  a  foundation  of  sand. 
We  had  scarcely  entered  the  city  when  the  stage 
was  stopped  by  a  crowd  of  people  gathered  around 
a  dead  body,  that  had  just  been  killed.  The  his 
tory  of  this  transaction  is  as  follows,  and  furnishes 
a  happy  illustration  of  the  blessings  of  pure  demo 
cracy. 

It  seems  a  fellow  named  Ramsbottom,  a  man- 
milliner  by  trade,  and  a  genuine  republican,  had 
taken  offence  at  a  neighbour  whose  name  was 
Higginbottom,  because  his  wife  had  attempted  to 
cheapen  a  crimped  tucker  at  his  shop,  and  after 
wards  reported  that  he  sold  things  dearer  than  his 
rival  man-milliner,  over  the  way,  whose  name  was 
Winterbottom,  and  whose  next  door  neighbour 
was  one  Oddy.  In  the  pure  spirit  of  democracy, 
Ramsbottom  determined  to  dirk  not  only  Higgin 
bottom,  but  Winterbottom,  and  Oddy,  together 
with  their  wives,  and  all,  the  Higginbottoms, 
Winterbottoms,  Oddys,  and  little  Oddities.  It 
was  a  Ions:  time  before  he  could  set  them  all  to- 

O  O 

gether,  so  as  to  make  one  job  of  it.  At  length, 
he  collected  them  all  at  his  own  house,  to  keep 
their  Christmas  eve,  and  determined  to  execute 
his  diabolical  purpose.  It  appears,  however,  that 
he  had  changed  his  mind  as  to  dirking,  from  what 
followed,  for  just  as  they  were  up  to  their  eyes  in 


JOHN   BULL  IN  AMERICA.  150 

a  Christmas  pye,  a  sudden  explosion  took  place, 
the  house  blew  up,  and  every  soul  perished,  Rams- 
bottom,  Higginbottom,  Winterbottom,  Oddy,  the 
little  Ramsbottoms,  Higginbottoms,  Winterbot- 
toms,  Oddys,  and  Oddities.  Such  is  the  ferocity 
and  thirst  of  vengeance  generated  in  the  hot-bed 
of  democracy,  that  this  desperado,  Ramsbottom, 
scrupled  not  like  the  republican  Samson  of  old, 
to  pull  down  destruction  on  himself,  only  for  the 
pleasure  of  being  revenged  on  his  enemies.* 

*  It  will  be  perceived  that  our  author  is  very  fond  of  this  story, 

Am.  Ed, 


160 


CHAP.  XIV. 

Philadelphia— Origin  of  the  phrase  "coming  out  at  the  little  end 
of  the  horn" — Republican  sour  bread — Spirit  of  democracy- 
Advances  in  civilization  here — Marquess  of  Tweedale — Watch  - 
men — Story  of  a  republican  watchman,  and  a  republican  mar 
ket  woman— Literature— Port-Folio — Franklin,  Washington, 
and  all  the  great  men  of  this  country  born  under  the  King's 
government — Cooper,  Walsh,  Irving,  all  visited  England- 
Theory  on  this  head — State  of  religion — Jefferson — Madison — 
Adams — Republican  gratitude — Little  Frenchman — Black  dog 
— Sodom  and  Gomorrah — Author  gets  into  the  wrong  box — 
Brutal  conduct  of  the  captain  of  the  steam-boat — Author  is 
tempted  by  Satan  in  the  shape  of  the  little  Frenchman — Bris 
tol — Author  goes  to  bed  without  supper  in  dudgeon — Catastro 
phe  of  the  cook  in  consequence. 

THE  city  of  Philadelphia,  (every  thing  is  a  city 
here,)  is  "a.  little  higgledy-piggledy  place,  s with 
hardly  a  decent  house  in  it,  and  whose  principal 
trade  consists  in  the  exportation  of  Toughy  and 
Pepper-Pot.  It  is  situate  between  two  rivers,  the 
Delaware  on  the  West,  and  the  Schuylkill  on  the 
East ;  the  former  is  a  decent  sort  of  a  river,  but 
nothing  to  be  compared  to  the  Thames,  or  the 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  161 

Avon.  The  streets,  for  the  most  part,  are  laid  out 
in  the  shape  of  a  ram's  horn,  at  the  little  end  of 
which  commonly  reside  that  class  of  people  who 
have  been  unfortunate  in  business.  Hence  the 
phrase  of  "  coming  out  at  the  little  end  of  the 
horn."  There  are  no  public  buildings,  nor  indeed 
any  thing  else  worthy  of  a  stranger's  notice,  and 
so  I  pass  them  by  as  unworthy  of  notice. 

I  took  lodgings  (for  I  hate  your  first  rate  hotels) 
at  the  sign  of  the  Goose  and  Gridiron,  where 
for  the  first  time  since  my.  arrival  in  the  states,  I 
tasted  sweetbread.*  I  was  at  a.  loss  to  account  for 
this  phenomenon,  until  I  found  my  landlady  was 
an  English  woman.  It  is  a  singular  fact,  noticed 
by  all  travellers  in  this  country,  that  go  where  you 
will,  the  bread  is  sure  to  be  sour.  Whether  this 
is  owing  to  the  yeast,  to  the  bad  taste  of  these  re 
publicans,  or  to  some  intrinsic  quality  in  the  wheat, 
I  cannot  say.  I  am  rather  inclined  to  the  latter 
opinion,  because  the  grapes  in  this  country,  as  well 
as  the  apples,  peaches,  and  every  species  of  fruit  I 
fasted,  are  as  sour  as  vinegar.  There  must  be  some 
acidity  in  the  soil  or  air,  or  both,  to  produce  this 
disagreeable  singularity.  Or  perhaps  it  is  owing 
to  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy  after  all. 

These  republican  housewives,  however,  do  not 
content  themselves  with  imposing  their  sour  bread 
upon  strangers.  Their  universal  practice,  in  addi 
tion  to  this  enormity,  is  to  serve  up  veal  cutlets, 
• 

»  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 
14* 


162  JOHN    BULL    IN   AMERICA. 

and  insist  upon  it  they  are  mutton  chops.  If  any 
one  ventures  to  doubt  the  fact  of  their  being  mut 
ton,  he  will  think  himself  lucky  to  come  off  with 
the  loss  of  one  eye  at  least,  for  these  republican 
matrons  are  almost  as  expert  gougers  as  their  lords. 
A  friend  of  mine  to  whom  his  physician  prescrib 
ed  a  regimen  of  mutton  chops  for  his  health,  was 
deceived  in  this  manner  nearly  a  twelvemonth  by 
a  xvicked  woman  who  pretended  to  be  his  friend . 
and  poisoned  him  by  inches  with  veal  cutlets. 
Every  day  he  grew  worse  and  worse  without 
knowing  what  was  the  matter,  until  at  last  he  sent 
for  me  to  make  his  will.  I  staid  to  dinner,  and  the 
first  smell  of  the  cutlets  enabled  me  to  detect  the 
imposition.  In  conclusion,  the  good  lady  threw  a 
vast  plumb  pudding  at  my  head,  which  luckily 
missed  me,  went  out  at  the  window,  and  knocked 
down  an  elephant  which  had  just  landed  from  an 
East  India  ship.  My  friend  miraculously  reco 
vered.  Another  horrible  imposition  commonly 
practised  here,  is  the  substitution  in  like  manner 
of  sturgeons  flesh  for  roast  beef,  which  is  almost 
universal,  especially  along  the  sea  coast,  among  the 
Dutch,  where  this  fish  abounds.  Every  Dutch 
yffrow,  is  another  Lord  Peter,  and  will  no  more 
allow  you  to  doubt  that  sturgeon  is  beef  than  his 
Lordship  would  permit  his  Banstead  mutton  to  be 
questioned.  An  Englishman,  a  journeyman  but- 
ton-/naker,  who  had  worked  several  years  in  a  ma 
nufactory  at  Birmingham,  and  was  of  course  a  con 
noisseur  in  roast  beef,  taking  upon  himself  to  swear 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  163 

d  slice  of  sturgeon  was  not  beef,  was  the  year  be 
fore  last  actually  scolded  to  death  in  Low  Dutch, 
by  the  wife  of  a  Communipaw  dominie. 

It  is  not  without  some  reason  that  Philadelphia 
is  called  the  Athens  of  America,  since,  among 
other  advances  in  civilization,  the  people  some 
times  wash  their  hands  and  faces.  This  practice 
was  introduced  about  ten  years  ago,  by  the  mar 
quess  of  Tweedale  and  his  suite.  It  was  at  first 
violently  opposed  as  an  aristocratic  custom,  unwor 
thy  of  freemen ;  but  it  gradually  made  its  way, 
and  there  are  now  few,  except  the  radicals  and  ul 
tra  democrats,  that  demur  to  the  practice.  The 
popular  opinion  is,  however,  rather  against  it,  and 
it  is  seldom  that  a  person  with  clean  hands  and  face 
is  elected  to  any  office,  unless  he  can  demonstrate 
his  republicanism  by  a  red  nose,  a  black  eye,  or 
some  other  unequivocal  mark  of  his  high  calling. 

The  city  has  also  a  nightly  watch,  a  peculiarity 
I  did  not  observe  either  at  Boston  or  New-York. 
Here  watchmen  are  obliged  to  call  the  hour  through 
the  whole  night ;  an  excellent  regulation,  as  I  sup 
posed,  since  this  is  pretty  good  evidence  of  a  man 
being  awake.  But  the  spirit  of  democracy  evades 
every  salutary  regulation  it  seems,  and  I  was  as 
sured  by  a  worthy  alderman,  a  native  of  England, 
that  these  fellows,  from  long  habit,  call  the  hour  as 
regularly  sleeping  as  waking,  so  that  this  afforded 
no  additional  security  to  the  citizens.  The  alder 
man  told  me  that  not  less  than  three  or  four  watch 
men  were  robbed  at  their  posts  every  night ;  and 


164  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

nothing  was  more  common  than  a  fellow  to  be 
bawling  out  "  all's  well,"  when  somebody  was  ac 
tually  picking  his  pockets.  The  alderman  related 
a  humorous  instance. 

It  seems  a  sturdy  watchman,  who  being  consider 
ed  the  best  of  the  gang  at  a  nap,  was  always  placed 
at  some  responsible  post,  in  order  that  he  might 
not  interrupt  these  republicans  in  their  favourite 
recreation  of  thieving,  was  in  his  box  nodding, 
when  a  wag  of  a  thief  took  off  his  cap,  and  put  in 
its  place  a  night-cap,  which  he  had  stolen  from  an 
old  apple  woman,  who  lived  near  the  ferry  stairs 
in  High-street,  and  to  whose  house  he  carried  and 
left  the  watchman's  hat.  The  old  dame,  upon  dis 
covering  the  theft,  set  out  bright  and  early,  with 
the  watchman's  cap  on  her  head  for  want  of  a  bet 
ter,  to  lay  her  complaint  before  the  police,  when 
as  luck  would  have  it,  she  saw  the  vigilant  child 
of  the  night,  still  nodding  in  his  box  with  her  cap 
on  his  head.  The  Amazon  seized  her  property,  and 
cried  out  "  stop  thief"  with  such  astonishing 
vigour,  that  she  actually  awoke  the  watchman, 
although  people  who  best  knew  him  thought  it 
was  impossible.  The  watchman,  rubbing  his  eyes, 
and  seeing  the  apple  woman  with  his  cap  on  her 
head,  naturally  concluded  that  the  cry  of  (f  stop 
thief"  applied  to  her.  Upon  which  he  carried 
her  forthwith  to  the  police,,  to  which  the  lady  fol 
lowed  with  great  alacrity,  supposing  she  had  the 
watchman  in  custody.  When  they  arrived  at  the 
police,  there  was  the  deuce  to  pay.  The  watch- 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  165 

man  charged  the  apple  woman  with  stealing  his 
hat,  and  the  apple  woman  charged  the  watchman 
with  stealing  her  cap — the  police  officer  scratched 
his  head,  and  the  clerk  gnawed  two  goose  quills 
to  the  stump.  But  what  was  most  to  be  admired, 
two  lawyers  were  entirely  puzzled  to  death  to  de 
cide  between  the  two  ;  and  to  puzzle  a  Philadel- 
phia  lawyer,  is  proverbially  difficult.  In  con 
clusion,  the  watchman  was  broke,  as  the  safest 
course  ;  but  the  sovereign  people  considering  him 
as  an  oppressed  citizen,  immediately  elected  him 
an  alderman. 

There  is  a  great  show,  or  rather  affectation  of 
literature  here,  and  the  good  people  crow  in  their 
cups  a  good  deal,  on  account  of  the  oldest  period 
ical  paper  in  the  states  being  published  here.  It 
is  called  the  Port-Folio,  and  is  really  so  old  that  it 
may  be  justly  pronounced  quite  superannuated. 
But  I  did  not  find  any  other  special  indications  of 
a  flourishing  state  of  literature.  To  be  sure,  here 
and  there  you  meet  with  a  yong  lady  that  can 
read  large  print,  and  a  young  gentleman  that  can 
tell  a  B  from  a  bull's  foot,  by  the  aid  of  a  quizzing 
glass.  JtJut  there  never  has  been  an  original  work 
produced  here  of  American  manufacture  ;  and  the 
only  translation  I  ever  met  with,  is  that  of  the 
almanac  into  High  Dutch.  They  likewise  boast 
of  one  Franklin,  a  great  hand  at  flying  kites, 
and  one  of  the  first  manufacturers  of  lightning  rods. 
I  had  heard  him  spoken  of  respectfully  at  home, 
so  am  willing  to  allow  he  was  clever.  But  after 


166  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

all,  what  have  these  people  to  boast  of  on  this  head? 
/  Both  Washington  and  Franklin,  and  indeed  all 
the  respectable  sort  of  men,  who  figure  in  the 
history  of  this  country,  were  born  under  the  king's 
government,  and  are  therefore  to  all  intents  and 
purposes  Englishmen.  Franklin  spent  a  long 
time  in  England,  and  though  there  is  no  account 
of  Washington  ever  having  been  there,  his  being 
able  to  read  an'd  write,  of  which  there  are  pretty 
clear  proofs,  is  a  sufficient  presumption  that  he 
must  have  been  there,  or  where  could  he  have  got 
his  learning?  At  all  events,  they  lived  the  best 
part  of  their  lives  under  the  genial  and  fostering 
influence  of  monarchical  institutions,  and  that  all 
their  talents  and  virtues  originated  in  that  circum 
stance,  is  proved,  first,  by  their  never  having  done 
any  thing  worthy  of  admiration,  after  the  estab 
lishment  of  the  republican  system  here ;  and  se 
condly,  by  the  singular  fact  that  from  that  time 
to  the  present,  there  has  not  been  a  man  of  ordina 
ry  talents  or  acquirements  produced  in  the  country. 
Mr.  Cooper  and  Mr.  Irving  have,  it  is  true,  gained 
some  little  reputation  ;  but  I  am  credibly  informed 
that  the  former  of  these  gentlemen  has  been  once 
or  twice  in  England,  and  that  the  latter  never 
wrote  English  until  he  had  been  long  enough 
there  to  forget  the  jargon  of  his  own  country.  So, 
after  all,  they  furnish  no  exemption  to  my  rule, 
which  I  have  the  happiness  to  say  is  sanctioned  by 
the  Quarterly.  As  to  Mr.  Walsh,  who  had  the 
hardihood  to  tilt  with  the  Quarterly,  he,  I  know, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  167 

was  a  good  while  in  England,  and  there  it  was, 
beyond  doubt,  he  polished  his  lance,  and  learned 
all  the  arts  of  literary  warfare.  But  to  put  the 
matter  at  rest  for  ever,  it  is  utterly  impossible, 
as  I  have  sufficiently  proved,  for  any  thing  elegant, 
or  good,  or  beautiful,  or  great,  to  take  root  in  the 
polluted  sink  of  that  earthly  pandemonium,  a  ge 
nuine  republic.* 

Religion,  like  literature,  is  at  a  low  ebb  here, 
or  rather  there  is  neither  ebb  nor  flood,  on  account 
of  there  being  no  religion  at  all.  This  might  be 
expected  from  the  absence  of  an  established  church, 
with  exclusive  privileges  over  all  other  denomina 
tions  of  sectarians.  The  quakers  are  numerous 
here,  and  it  is  utterly  impossible  there  should  be 
any  pure  orthodox  religion  where  they  predomi 
nate,  since  we  all  know  that  they  preach  volunta 
rily,  as  the  spirit  moves  them,  and  without  fee  or 
reward.  Now,  I  have  already  proved,  that  a  re- 
ligion  which  costs  nothing,  is  good  for  nothing. 
Tt  unquestionably  is  with  religion  as  with  ever} 
thing  else,  the  more  we  pay  for  it,  the  higher  value 
we  set  upon  the  purchase,  and  the  better  we  arc- 
likely  to  became. t  On  the  contrary,  a  people  who 
get  their  piety  gratis^  must,  of  necessity,  in  a  little 
time,  become  impious.  In  proof  of  this,  I  wa's 
told  by  my  landlady,  a. -very  respectable  widow, 
that  there  was  a  society  in.  each  of  the  wards  of  the 
city,  composed  of  the  pri^ipal  quakers  and  others 


*  Vide  Xo.  58,  En;;.  1M.  f  Ditto. 


168  JOfiN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

to  put  down  religion  altogether,  by  the  simple  and 
certain  means  of  not  persecuting  any  particular 
sect,  or  giving  any  one  exclusive  privileges.  This 
wicked  design,  aided  by  the  destruction  of  all  the 
Bibles,  which  they  have  bought  up  and  burnt,  is 
likely,  my  landlady  assured  me,  to  banish,  at  no 
distant  period,  every  trace  of  orthodoxy  from  this 
crooked,  quakerish,  and  abandoned  city.  It  is 
better  to  be  a  bigot  without  religion,  than  religious 
without  bigotry.  ^Nothing,  in  short,  leads  so  in 
evitably  to  an  indifference  to  all  religion,  as  the 
doctrine  of  toleration,  which  makes  them  all  equal 
in  the  participation  of  wealth  and  civil  rights. 
The  enjoyment  of  superior  privileges  and  immu 
nities  on  one  hand,  and  the  deprivation  of  them  on 
the  other,  generates  a  salutary  opposition  between 
the  two  parties,  exceedingly  favourable  to  the  in 
terests  of  religion.  The  party  in  the  enjoyment 
of  these  superior  immunities,  will  endeavour,  by 
superior  piety,  to  prove  that  it  deserves  them  ;  and 
the  party  out  of  possession  will  strive,  by  the  same 
means,  to  prove  that  though  it  may  not  possess,  it 
at  least  deserves  a  full  share.  Thus  will  the  worst 
passions  of  the  mind,  envy,  hatred,  and  fear,  as  it 
were  by  a  miracle,  harmoniously  conduce  to  the 
preservation  and  increase  of  the  true  faith.  But 
there  is  nothing  of  this  in  the  pure  system  of  de 
mocracy,  and  consequently  there  is  no  religion  but 
unbelief,  no  morals  but  what  consists  in  a  total  re-  | 
taxation  of  morality,  and  no  deity  but  Satan,  the 
first  republican  on  record,  as  the  Quarterly  says. 


JOHN    BULL    1ST    AMERICA.  169 

As  these  immaculate- republicans  have  neither 
religion  nor  morals,  so  are  they  entirely  destitute 
of  gratitude.  It  will  hardly  be  believed,  but  is 
nevertheless  a  fact,  that  Mr.  Jefferson,  the  author 
of  their  famous  declaration  of  independence,  the 
oracle  of  republicans,  the  former  president  of  the 
United  States,  and  after  Satan,  the  prince  of  demo 
crats,  the  man  whom  the  people  toast  at  all  their 
public  meetings,  and  pretend  to  revere  next  to 
Washington,  is,  at  this  moment,  an  actor  on  the 
Philadelphia  boards  for  bread  !*  I  saw  him  myself, 
or  I  would  not  have  believed  it,  bad  as  I  think 
these  miserable  republicans.  Yet,  with  this  damn 
ing  fact  staring  them  full  in  the  face,  they  are  eve 
ry  day  boasting  of  their  gratitude  to  their  bene 
factors,  at  the  gorgeous  feasts  given  to  General  La 
Fayette.  I  hope  the  Quarterly  will  touch  them  up 
on  this  score,  in  the  next  number.  Of  their  other 
surviving  presidents,  Mr.  Madison,  as  I  was  assur 
ed,  teaches  a  school  in  some  remote  part  of  Virgi 
nia,  and  Mr.  Adams  lives  in  great  obscurity  some 
where  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Boston  !  This  is  a 
natural  consequence  of  abolishing  the  excellent  sys 
tem  of  hereditary  succession.  I  confess  I  felt  a 
little  ill-natured  satisfaction,  at  the  fate  of  Jeffer 
son  and  Madison,  when  I  considered  that  the  first 
picked  a  quarrel  with  England,  on  pretence  of 
maintaining  the  rights  of  his  country,  and  the 

*  The  author  has  confounded  our  old  favourite,  the  comecliafy 
with  Thomas  Jefferson,  the  late  president.     But  this  is  a  raista"k^ 
pardonable  in  a  stranger. — Am.  Pub. 
15 


170  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA, 

other  had  the  wickedness  to  declare  war  against 
her,  while  she  was  struggling  for  the  liberties  ol 
Europe,  now  so  happily  secured  in  the  keeping: 
of  the  Holy  Alliance.  Nor  indeed  could  I  find  in 
my  heart  to  be  sorry  for  Mr.  Adams,  who  was 
one  of  the  prime  movers  of  the  rebellion,  and  a 
principal  pillar  of  the  revolution.  Nothing  can 
furnish  a  clearer  proof  of  the  divine  right  of  kings, 
than  the  fact,  that  history  does  not  record  an  in 
stance  of  a  man  who  took  arms  against  his  sove 
reign,  on  whom  some  signal  punishment  did  not 
fall,  by  special  interposition  of  Providence.* 

These  reflections,  which  crossed  my  mind  on 
seeing  an  ex-president  performing  the  character 
of  Diggory,  were  suddenly  interrupted,  by. what 
seemed  the  sound  of  a  trumpet,  directly  behind 
me.  On  turning  round,  to  see  what  it  was,  I  was 
struck  with  horror — it  was  the  little  Frenchman, 
blowing  his  nose,  with  his  confounded  flowered 
Madras  handkerchief.  The  story  of  the  diaboli 
cal  dance  at  Communipaw  ;  the  little  black  gen 
tleman  who  could  be  no  other  than  Satan  himself, 
so  like  the  little  Frenchman — all  rushed  upon  my 
mind.  I  grew  desperate — started  up — tumbled 
over  the  people  in  the  box- — burst  open  the  door, 
and  marched  through  the  lobby  into  the  street, 
without,  once  looking  behind  me.  Just  as  I  left 
the  box,  I  heard  the  little  Frenchman  say  in  reply 
to  some  question,  "  Monsieur  is  not  mad — diable* 
he  is  only  a  little  afraid  of  robbers." 

*  Vide  Quarterly  Review — Clarenden's  Hist.  Rebellion,  &c.  &LC 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  171 

As  I  walked  hastily  on  towards  my  lodgings,  I 
heard  a  footstep,  pat,  pat,  close  behind  me.  'Tis 
the  little  Frenchman,  thought  I — and  mended  my 
pace.  Still  the  footsteps  continued  pat,  pat,  pat, 
I  began  to  run — still  the  pat,  pat,  pat,  continued, 
until  I  arrived  at  the  door  of  my  lodgings,  where 
necessarily  stopping  for  a  moment,  till  the  door 
was  opened,  I  felt  two  great  paws  pressing  heavily 
upon  my  shoulders.  The  door  opened,  and  I 
rushed  in,  almost  oversetting  my  good  landlady, 
who  eagerly  inquired  what  was  the  matter.  "  Sa 
tan  is  at  my  heels,"  replied  I.  "  Lack-a-daisy !  is 
that  all  ?  nobody  minds  him  here.  Indeed  he  is 
so  popular  that  the  people  would  send  him  to  con 
gress,  I  dare  say,  if  he  liked."  "  0  Sodom  and 
Gomorrah  !"  said  I — "  is  there  no  brimstone  left 
for  these  impious,  rebellious,  republican  cities !" 
The  worthy  lady  paid  no  attention  to  this  apos 
trophe,  but  began  to  pat  a  great  Newfoundland 
dog,  a  mighty  favourite,  exclaiming,  "  why  poor 
old  Neptune,  where  have  you  been  all  this  while?" 
Then  turning  to  me,  "  he  must  have  followed  you 
to  the  play-house.  1  noticed  he  took  a  great  lik 
ing  to  you  from  the  first." 

The  night  was  spent  in  almost  sleepless  anxiety. 
My  thoughts  continually  reverted  to  the  little 
Frenchman,  the  dancing  gentleman  at  Communi- 
paw,  and  the  great  black  Newfoundland  dog,  un 
til  they  became  so  connected  together  that  I  could 
not  separate  them.  I  became  feverish  with  inde 
scribable  terrors ;  and  if  I  chanced  to  fall  into  a 


172  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

doze,  was  ever  and  anon  disturbed  by  attempts 
to  break  open  my  door,  accompanied  by  strange 
and  unaccountable  meanings  and  whinings,  for 
which  I  could  not  account.  The  spirit  of  demo 
cracy  seemed  to  be  letting  slip  all  his  legions  of 
malignant  fiends  to  torture  me,  and  I  resolved  to 
quit  for  ever  this  city  of  horrors.  Accordingly  I 
rose  early,  hastened  my  breakfast,  and  inquired  of 
the  good  landlady  if  there  was  any  conveyance  to 
the  South  that  day. 

"  There  is  a  steam-boat,  which  starts  about  this 
hour';  but  you're  not  going  away  in  such  a  hurry  ?" 

"  This  moment" — I  replied,  seizing  my  port 
manteau. 

"  But  you  had  better  send  for  a  porter  to  carry 
your  baggage." 

"  Send  for  the  d 1,  in  the  shape  of  a  little 

Frenchman,  or  a  great  black  dog/'  said  I  impa- 
patiently,  removing  my  portmanteau. 

"  Better  call  a  hack  then,"  replied  she,  "  'tis 
a  long  way." 

"  I'll  not  wait  a  minute  for  all  the  carriages  in 
this  diabolical  city." 

"  Why  then  sir — you  had  better  settle  your 
bill  before  you  go — if  you  are  not  in  too  great  a 
hurry." 

This  being  done,  I  sallied  out  with  hasty  steps 
towards  the  river,  where  I  jumped  into  the  first 
steam-boat  I  met  with,  and  was  felicitating  myself 
on  my  escape,  when  I  actually  run  my  nose  right 
into  the  mahogany  face  of  the  little  Frenchman, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  173 

Starting  back,  I  fell  over  a  basket  of  onions  be 
longing  to  an  old  woman,  who  let  fly  at  me  in 
the  republican  style.  I  was  now  satisfied  in  my 
own  mind — "  He  must  be  either  the  evil  one,  or 
he  deals  with  the  evil  one,  and  is  therefore  a 
witch."  To  ease  myself  of  these  distracting 
doubts,  after  we  had  left  the  wharf,  I  called  the 
captain  of  the  steam-boat  aside,  related  my  story, 
and  proposed  tying  the  Frenchman  neck  and  heels, 
and  throwing  him  overboard,  to  see  if  he  would 
sink  or  swim.  The  brute,  who  I  have  no  doubt 
was  also  in  league  with  Satan,  laughed  in  my  face 
and  replied — 

"  I  would  oblige  you  with  pleasure,  but  we  are 
not  allowed  to  try  witches  nowadays,  in  this  man 
ner." 

"  Not  try  witches  !"  cried  I  in  astonishment— 
"  what  d'ye  do  with  them  then  ?"  Another  proof 
thought  I,  of  the  absence  of  all  law  as  well  as  gos 
pel  here. 

"  Why  we  generally  let  them  run — the  old  boy 
will  get  them  at  last  you  know,  and  pay  them  for 
all  their  pranks.  But,  to  tell  you  truth,  we  don't 
believe  much  in  witches  nowadays." 

"  Nor  in  fairies?" 

"  No." 

"  Nor  in  the  Prince  of  Hohenlohe's  miracles?" 

"  No,  I  never  heard  of  him." 

"  Nor  Johanna  Southcote's  ?" 

"  No,  I  never  heard  of  her  either?" 

"  Nor  Vampyres  ?" 

15* 


174  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

"  No." 

"  Nor  ghosts?" 

<e  Not  a  single  mother's  son  of  them." 

"  And  what  do  you  suppose  has  become  of  them 
all?" 

"  They  went  away  about  the  time  the  race  of 
giants  and  mammoths  disappeared,  I  suppose. 

"  In  the  name  of  heaven,"  cried  I,  to  this  un 
believing  reprobate — "  what  do  you  believe  then  ?" 

"  Why  I  believe  the  moon  is  not  made  of  green 
cheese,  and  that  the  little  Frenchman  is  no  witch,'" 
quoth  he,  and  went  coolly  about  his  business. 

He  had  just  gone  from  me  when  the  little 
Frenchman  came  up,  and  offered  his  box. 

"  Ah  monsieur — you  ran  away  from  me  last 
night,  but  I  have  caught  you  again  this  morning — 
diable — I  believe  the  fates  ordain  we  shall  never 
part  again."  Heaven  forbid,  thought  I,  but  re 
mained  silent,  hardly  knowing  what  to  say. 

"  Is  monsieur  going  to  New-Orleans  yet?"  con 
tinued  he  after  a  short  pause. 

"  I  am  on  my  way,"  replied  I,  with  as  much 
the  air  of  distant  hauteur  as  I  could  muster  up  on 
the  occasion. 

"  Then  monsieur  has  somehow  or  other  turned 
his  nose  the  wrong  way  again.  Diable  !  you  are 
going  back  to  Portsmouth,  as  sure  as  a  pistol." 

Thou  father  of  lies  and  deceit,  thought  I,  you 
shall  not  impose  upon  me  again,  either  in  the 
shape  of  a  little  Frenchman,  or  a  great  black  dog. 
So  I  said  nothing,  but  eyed  him  with  a  look  of 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  175 

most  mortifying  incredulity.  He  shrugged  up  his 
shoulders,  took  a  pinch  of  snuff,  and  walked  away, 
to  frisk  among  the  ladies,  with  whom  the  Old 
Harry  has  always  been  somewhat  a  favourite.  The 
captain,  who  had  just  been  ashore  to  steal  a  score 
or  two  of  pigs,  for  the  supply  of  his  passengers, 
soon  after  came  up,  and  asked  me,  with  a  smile,  if 
I  had  found  out  whether  the  little  man  was  a  witch 
or  not?  I  evaded  his  question,  in  the  true  repub 
lican  style,  by  asking  which  way  we  were  going, 
south  or  north. 

"  Why  north,  to  be  sure,  sir." 

"  Towards  New-Orleans  ?" 

"No — right  from  it  as  straight  as  an  arrow." 

"  And  why  didn't  you  tell  me  so?"  replied  I 
in  a  rage,  for  I  could  not  stand  this  imposition. 

"  I  did,  as  soon  as  you  inquired.  It's  not  my 
business  to  tell  every  passenger  the  way  to  New- 
Orleans.  Every  steam-boat  is  not  going  there,  and 
the  best  thing  a  stranger  can  do  is  to  inquire  be 
fore  he  goes  on  board." 

I  now  positively  insisted  that  he  should  turn  the 
vessel  right  about,  and  land  me  where  he  took  me 
up. 

"  What,  go  back  twenty  miles,  with  a  hundred 
people,  to  rectify  the  blunder  of  one!  No — no  sir? 
you  must  go  on  to  Bristol.  I  shall  return  in  the 
morning,  and  take  you  back,  so  you  will  only  lose 
one  day  after  all.  But  here  comes  the  witch,  per 
haps  he  will  take  you  back  on  a  broomstick" — 
So  saying  he  went  away  without  paying  any  atten- 


176  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

tion  to  my  remonstrances.  Presently  the  little 
Frenchman  came  up,  and  inquired  what  was  the 
matter.  I  stated  my  case,  and  asked  his  advice, 
for  at  this  moment  I  felt  that  to  trust  to  Satan  him 
self  was  better  than  to  rely  on  a  republican. 

"  What  shall  I  do?"  said  I. 

"  Appeal  to  posterity  and  the  immortal  gods!" 
said  he,  with  an  air  of  diabolical  sublimity,  at  the 
same  time  taking  a  mortal  pinch  of  snuff  that  smelt 
like  brimstone. 

"  There  are  no  gods  in  this  impious  country,'3 
answered  I  in  despair — "  and  as  for  posterity,  I 
am  a  bachelor  and  never  mean  to  be  married — so 
I  can  have  no  posterity  !" 

"  There  is  a  way,  Monsieur,"  quoth  the  little 
Frenchman  with  an  insinuating  diabolical  smile. 

"  What!"  cried  I,  with  an  ungovernable  burst 
of  indignation — "  would  you  tempt  me,  Satan  ! 
But  thy  arts  are  vain.  No,  diabolical  instigator. 
Know  I  am  a  true-born  Englishman,  a  defender  of 
the  faith  and  a  bulwark  of  religion.  No!  be  thou 
Asmodeus,  Ashtaroth,  Belshazzar,  or  the  Devil  on 
two  Sticks — be  all  mankind  extinct,  for  want  of 
posterity,  and  be  there  no  posterity  to  appeal  to, 
let  me  be  going  north  or  south,  or  east  or  west,  to 
New-Orleans  or  New-Guinea,  all  this  shall  happen 
before  Satan  shall  tempt  me  to  the  sin  of — ." 

"  Of  what?"  said  the  little  d 1  of  a  man.— 

"  Of  what  shall  never  defile   my  tongue  in  the 
utterance,"  said  I,  with  the  air  of  a  hero. 

"  Well,  if  Monsieur  will  neither  appeal  to  pos- 


JOHN   BULL    IN   AMERICA.  177 

terity,  nor  to  the  immortal  gods,  there  is  no  more 
to  be  said.  And  now  I  think  of  it,  no  more  is  ne 
cessary.  See  !  we  are  just  at  Bristol,  where  they 
land  passengers.  You  can  stop  here  to-night,  and 
return  to  Philadelphia  to-morrow  morning.  I  am 
sorry  to  lose  your  agreeable  company,  but  I  am 
going  on  a  little  way  farther  to  the  north." 

This  last  information  was  of  itself  sufficient  to 
determine  me  to  take  his  advice,  though  I  could 
not  help  suspecting  in  my  own  mind  that  he  had 
some  diabolical  design  in  his  head.  Accordingly 
here  I  landed,  the  little  Frenchman  taking  leave  of 
me  in  the  most  friendly  manner.  "  I  am  sorry 
to  lose  Monsieur's  agreeable  company — but  as  I 
am  going  north,  and  Monsieur  south,  who  knows 
but  we  may  meet  again  ?"  Heaven  forbid,  thought 
I,  as  they  loosed  the  rope,  and  the  boat  ploughed 
her  way  down  the  stream. 

I  found  out  a  lodging,  where  I  ordered  supper, 
and  while  it  was  getting  ready,  could  not  help  re 
flecting  on  the  brutal  inhospitality,  the  unfeeling 
rudeness  and  ferocity  generated  in  the  polluted  hot 
bed  of  republicanism.  The^conduct  of  the  Captain 
of  the  steam-boat,  in  first  receiving  me  on  board — 
his  refusal  to  turn  back  only  twenty  or  thirty  miles 
to  land  me  again — and  the  brutal  indifference  with 
\vhichthepassengerslistenedtomyjustcomplaints 
— all  these  rushed  together  on  my  mind,  and  put 
me  into  such  a  passion  that  I  determined  to  be  re 
venged  on  the  whole  race  of  republicans,  by  going 
to  bed  without  my  supper,  which  I  did  to  the  ut~ 


178  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

ier  discomfiture  of  the  landlord,  the  chambermaid, 
the  ostler,  and  particularly  the  cook,  who  killed 
himself  with  a  spit,  in  a  fit  of  despair,  at  my  re 
fusing  to  taste  his  terrapin  soup. 


179 


CHAP.  XV. 

fioodluck  of  the  author  in  not  being  robbed — Story  of  the  roar 
ing  republican  Ramsbottom — Steam-boat — Fat  lady  of  colour 
— Force  of  bad  example — Spirit  of  democracy — Privilege  of 
speech,  alias  impudent  loquacity — Author  beleaguered  by  a 
wandering  republican  gentleman,  who  tells  his  story — Author's 
reflections  on  it — Insolent  republican  custom  of  shaking  hands 
— Goes  to  a  magistrate — Another  sketch  of  a  republican  jus 
tice — Republican  mode  of  settling  law-suits — Takes  French 
leave  of  his  worship. 

LUCKILY,  though  alone  and  unarmed,  havinglost 
my  pistols  as  before  stated,  I  escaped  being  mur 
dered  that  night, .which  good  fortune  I  attribute  to 
the  attention  of  the  people  having  been  called  off 
by  an  affair  which  took  place  during  the  evening. 
I  shall  relate  it,  for  the  purpose  of  illustrating  the 
true  spirit  of  democracy. 

It  seems  a  fellow  by  the  name  of  Ramsbottom, 
a  man-milliner  by  trade,  and  a  great  stickler  for 
the  rights  of  man,  had  taken  offence  at  a  neighbour 
whose  name  was  Higginbottom,  because  his  wife 
had  attempted  to  cheapen  a  crimped  tucker  at  his 


ISO  JOHN   BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

shop,  and  afterwards  reported  all  over  town  that 
he,  Ramsbottom,  sold  his  things  much  dearer  than 
his  rival  man-milliner  over  the  way,  whose  name 
was  Winterbottom,  and  whose  next  door  neighbour 
was  one  Oddy.  In  the  pure  spirit  of  democracy, 
Ramsbottom  determined  to  dirk  not  only  Higgin- 
bottom,  Winterbottom,  and  Oddy,  together  with 
their  wives,  but  likewise  all  the  little  Higginbot- 
toms,  Winterbottoms,  Oddys,  and  little  Oddities. 
It  was  several  years  before  Ramsbottom  could  get 
the  whole  party  together,  so  as  to  make  one  job  of 
it.  At  last,  after  an  interval  of  about  ten  years, 
lie  collected  them  all  at  his  house,  to  keep  their 
Christmas-eve,  tand  determined  then  and  there  to 
execute  his  diabolical  purpose.  It  would  appear. 
however,  that  he  had  previously  changed  his  mind 
as  to  the  dirking,  probably  on  account  of  the  trou 
ble  of  killing  so  many,  one  after  the  other,  for  just 
as  they  were  all  up  to  the  eyes  in  a  Christmas  pie> 
.made  of  four-and-twenty  blackbirds,  an  explosion 
took  place — the  house  blew  up,  and  every  soul, 
Ramsbottom,  Higginbottom,  Winterbottom,  Od 
dy,  their  wives,  together  with  all  the  young  Rams^ 
bottoms,  Higginbottoms,  Winterbottorns,  Oddys. 
and  Oddities,  were  scattered  in  such  invisible 
atoms,  that  not  a  vestige  of  them  was  ever  after 
wards  discovered.  Such  is  the  deadly  spirit  of  re* 
vengeful  ferocity,  generated  in  the  polluted  sink  of 
democracy.  The  desperado,  Ramsbottom,  who 
was  considered  rather  a  peaceable  person,  among 
these  barbarians,  scrupled  not,  like  the  old  repub- 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  181 

lican  Samson,  to  pull  down  destruction  on  his  own 
head,  that  he  might  be  revenged  upon  a  poor  wo 
man  for  cheapening  a  crimped  tucker. 

This  affair  set  the  people  talking  and  tippling 
all  night,  and  to  this  circumstance  T  ascribe  my 
good  fortune  in  escaping  being  robbed  and  mur 
dered,  the  usual  fate  of  strangers,  whose  ill-fortune 
detains  them  at  this  place  after  dark.  In  the 
morning  the  steam-boat  stopped,  as  the  little 
Frenchman  told  me  she  would  ;  and  taking  the 
precaution  to  inquire  whether  she  was  going  North 
or  South,  I  went  on  board.  The  Yankee  captain 
saluted  me  with  a  good-humoured  smile  enough, 
and  observed, "  You  are  going  the  right  way  now ;" 
but  I  took  no  notice  of  his  insolent  familiarity.  At 
breakfast  I  was  seated  opposite  a  dish  of  terrapin 
soup,  and  next  to  a  fat  lady  of  colour,  who  desired 
me  to  help  her  to  some,  which  she  devoured  with 
infinite  satisfaction,  although  you  could  distinguish 
the  fingers  and  toes  of  the  poor  little  terrapins,  as 
plain  as  day.  I  could  not  stand  this  exhibition  of 
cannibalism,  but  rushed  on  deck  to  relieve  my  op 
pressed  feelings.  That  these  white  republicans, 
destitute  as  they  are  of  all  traces  of  human  feeling, 
should  indulge  in  this  detestable  dish,  was  not 
to  be  wondered  at ;  but  that  the  people  of  colour 
should  thus  commit  the  unnatural  crime  of  feed 
ing  upon  their  own  flesh  and  blood,  was  enough 
to  deprive  them  of  all  sympathy.  But  this  only 
shows  the  force  of  a  bad  example.  Looking  up  aS 
they  do  to  the  whites,  as  their  superiors  in  every 
16 


182  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

respect,  they  naturally  imitate  them  even  in  their 
crimes,  and  eat  terrapin  soup  because  they  see  their 
betters  do  it. 

During  the  passage  up  the  river  to  Philadelphia, 
I  was  as  usual  annoyed  by  the  obtrusive  imperti 
nence  of  the  spirit  of  democracy.  Having  fought 
seven  years  for  the  freedom  of  speech,  these  peo 
ple  seem  determined  to  enjoy  the  full  benefit  of 
their  struggles.  Morning,  noon,  and  night,  in 
stage-coaches  and  steam-boats,  they  will  talk, 
whether  there  is  any  body  willing  to  listen  or  not, 
and  one  reason  why  they  never  go  to  church,  is 
because  they  would  there  be  under  the  necessity 
of  remaining  quiet  for  at  least  one  whole  hour. 
Strangers  in  particular  are  sure  to  be  specially  an 
noyed  with  their  forward  loquacity,  and  it  is  suffi 
cient  that  a  man  appears  to  be  a  foreigner,  and  to 
prefer  solitude,  to  insure  his  being  intruded  upon, 
by  some  one  of  these  talking  republicans.  If  you 
won't  tell  them  who  you  yourself  are,  what  is  your 
business,  where  you  came  from,  and  whither  you 
are  going,  it  is  all  one  to  them ;  they  will  turn  the 
tables  upon  you,  and  tell  you  their  own  story.— 
Nay,  rather  than  not  talk,  they  would  enter  into  a 
voluntary  confession  of  murder,  and  plead  guilty 
to  a  breach  of  the  whole  decalogue.* 

One  of  the  most  inveterate  of  these  talkers  be 
leaguered  me  on  this  occasion.  "  I  reckon  you're 
a  stranger,"  said  he,  coming  up  to  where  I 
apart  from  the  rest,  leaning  over  the  railing 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  183 

usual,  pondering  on  the  barbarity  and  wickedness 
of  these  immaculate  republicans.  I  made  him  no 
answer,  "  You  don't  seem  to  be  one  of  our  peo 
ple?"  continued  he  inquiringly.  No  answer.  "  1 
guess  you're  an  Englishman."  This  fellow,  thought 
I,  has  some  little  cleverness ;  he  has  observed  the 
superiority  of  my  dress  and  air.  "  What  makes 
you  think  so?"  replied  I,  in  a  tone  of  distant 
condescension.  "  Why,  somehow  or  other  you 
English  always  seem  to  be  out  of  sorts,  as  if  some 
thing  were  on  your  conscience  like.  You  go  mo 
ping  and  moping  about  by  yourselves,  and  if  any 
body  speaks  to  you,  you  look  as  if  you  would  eat 
them  up.  Now  we  Yankees  think  there  is  no  great 
harm  in  speaking  to  any  man,  in  a  civil  way,  and 
that  a  civil  question  is  worth  a  civil  answer  any 
time." 

I  debated  a  moment  whether  I  should  turn  my 
back  upon  him,  pull  out  my  fifty-eighth  number 
of  the  Quarterly,  (which  I  had  procured  in  Phila 
delphia,)  and  take  no  further  notice  of  this  fellow. 
But  somehow  or  other,  I  did  not  like  his  looks. 
He  was  a  tall,  muscular  figure,  straight  as  an  arrow, 
with  a  keen,  large  eye,  and  an  air  of  insolent  inde 
pendence,  that  seemed  to  challenge  equality  with 
any  man,  in  spite  of  the  plain  simplicity  of  his 
garments.  Besides,  he  had  much  the  look  of  an 
expert  gouger,  and  I  thought  it  better  to  listen  to 
his  impertinence  than  lose  my  eyes. 

"And  so,"  said  I  at  last,  "  you  don't  like  us 
Englishmen." 


184  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

"  Why,  I  can't  say  that  exactly ;  but  if  you 
would  not  take  such  pains  to  make  yourselves  dis 
agreeable,  we  should  like  you  a  great  deal  better. 
We  have  had  some  pretty  hard  brushes  with  you 
to  be  sure,  but  we  Yankees  are  a  people  that  soon 
forget  injuries,  so  long  as  you  don't  insult  us. 
Now,  for  my  part,  I'd  rather  a  man  would  cut  off 
my  head  at  once,  than  spit  in  my  face.  We  don't 
like  to  be  insulted." 

"  But  who  insults  you?" 

"  Why,  I  don't  know — but  somehow  or  other 
it  strikes  me,  that  when  a  man  comes  into  a  strange 
country,  the  people  have  a  right  to  talk  to  him 
civilly,  and  it  is  rather  bad  manners  in  him  not  to 
answer.  It  looks  as  if  he  thought  himself  better- 
than  other  people.  Now  we  Yankees  fought  se 
ven  years  to  make  ourselves  equal  to  any  people 
on  earth,  and  what's  more,  we  are  determined  to 
be  so,  let  what  wiH  happen." 

"  I'm  sure  nobody  prevents  you." 

"  Prevents  us !  No,  I  reckon  that  would  be 
rather  a  difficult  matter.  But  we  Yankees  can  tell 
an  Englishman  half  a  mile  off,  by  his  being  so  shy. 
He  seems  as  if  he  was  too  good  to  be  spoken  to. 
Now  we  think  a  man  was  made  to  be  spoken  to, 
or  else  there  is  no  use  in  being  able  to  speak  at  all." 

"  Nobody  hinders  you  from  talking." 

«  Yes — but  there  is  such  a  thing  as  not  being 
answered,  and  this,  as  I  said,  is  what  we  don't  like. 
If  we  ask  you  questions  about  yourselves  or  your 
country,  it  is  a  proof  we  feel  some  curiosity  about 


JOHN    BULL     IN    AMERICA.  185 

you — and  if  we  tell  you  about  ourselves  and  our 
business,  it  is  that  we  don't  suspect  you  of  being 
rogues  who  would  take  advantage  of  us,  by  know 
ing  our  business." 

"  But  can't  a  man,  especially  in  this  free  coun 
try,  take  his  choice  whether  he  shall  talk  or  be  si 
lent?" 

"  To  be  sure  he  can.  But  then  when  he  takes 
jiis  choice  whether  to  answer  a  civil  question  or 
not,  he  must  also  take  his  choice  sometimes  wheth 
er  he  will  be  knocked  down  or  not.  To  refuse  to 
answer  a  question — I  mean  a  question  put  in  a  civil 
way,,  and  without  meaning  to  give  offence,  is  to 
insult  the  man  that  asks  it.  Now  what  can  be  done 
with  a  man  who  will  neither  answer  a  civil  ques 
tion,  nor  resent  an  uncivil  one  by  word  of  mouth? 
There  is  but  one  way,  and  that  is  to  knock  him 
down.  If  that  don't  make  him  speak,  I  don't  know 
what  will." 

An  excellent  method.  Here's  your  true  repub 
lican  ethics,  thought  I — but  there  was  no  use  in 
quarrelling  with  the  fellow,  so  I  thought  it  best  to 
humour  him. 

"  And  so  you  don't  like  us  Englishmen  because 
we  don't  talk?" 

"  That  is  one  reason.  We  think  a  man  that 
can't  open  his  mouth  in  a  strange  country,  except 
to  find  fault  with  every  thing,  had  better  stay  at 
home,  and  keep  himself  in  a  good  humour." 

"  Very  well.     Is  that  your  only  reason?" 

"  Not  altogether.  You  go  home  and  tell  lies 
about  us,  after  staying  at  our  houses,  and  being 
16* 


x86  JOHN    BULL   IN    AMERICA, 

treated  in  the  best  way  we  can.  There  was  last 
spring  a  year  ago,  a  fellow  that  fell  sick  at  my 
house  of  an  ague  and  fever,  and  staid  with  me 
two  months  without  paying  a  cent,  for  I  scorn  to 
take  board  of  any  man.  Would  you  believe  it! 
He  wrote  a  book  when  he  went  back  to  England, 
wherein  he  said  my  home  was  as  dirty  as  a  pig 
pen — my  wife  a  slut — my  children  savages — my 
self  a  pig-stealer,  and  my  country  a  den  of  drunk 
ards,  gougers,  thieves,  and  men-killers.  Ay, 
and  the  worst  of  it  was,  that  he  made  as  if  I  had 
told  him  so  himself,  and  so  belied  my  countrymen. 
I  am  neither  gouger,  dirker,  thief,  nor  man-killer, 
but" — and  here  his  eye  lightened  with  terrible  fe 
rocity — "If  I  ever  meet  that  man  again  in  this, 
or  any  other  country,  he  or  I  shall  have  daylight 
shine  through  us." 

"  And  so  then  you  dislike  us  Englishmen  be 
cause  we  won't  talk  to  you,  nor  praise  you  ?" 

(t  We  don't  want  you  to  praise  us — only  speak 
of  us  as  we  are — tell  the  truth,  the  whole  truth. 
and  nothing  but  the  truth.  It's  a  dirty  business 
to  come  here,  and  eat  and  drink  at  our  tables,  and 
sleep  under  our  roofs — perhaps,  sometimes,  in  the 
same  room  with  our  wives  and  children,  and  then 
go  home  and  publish  to  the  world  that  we  have 
neither  manners  nor  decency,  because  we  did  not 
send  you  to  lay  in  the  woods  rather  than  receive 
you  as  it  were  into  the  very  bosoms  of  our  famity. 
For  my  part  I  should  be  ashamed  to  look  my  dear 
country  in  the  face,  did  I  turn  a  stranger  from  my 


JOHN   BULL    IN    AMERICA.  187 

door,  because  I  had  no  where  to  put  him  but  in  the 
same  room  with  myself,  my  wife,  and  my  children." 

"  Well,  but/'  said  I  in  a  soothing  tone,  "  you 
should  not  mind  what  these  people  say.  They 
are  a  set  of  low,  contemptible  fellows,  who  want 
to  get  a  little  money,  and  have  no  other  way  of 
doing  it  but  by  telling  a  parcel  of  lies  to  please  the 
vulgar." 

"  I  know  it.  But  still  it's  no  way  to  abuse  us, 
and  then  find  fault  with  us  for  not  liking  you. 
Every  man  in  the  United  States  is  a  part  of  his 
country  as  much  as  a  sailor  is  of  a  ship,  and  if  you 
want  his  friendship  you  must  not  run  down  either.'' 

"  But  to  return  to  the  subject  of  answering  ques 
tions  :  you  Yankees  are  thought  to  be  rather  too 
much  given  to  that  practice." 

f '  Well,"  replied  he,  smiling  and  showing  a  set 
of  teeth  white  as  snow,  "  I  believe  there  may  be 
something  in  that.  But  the  truth  is,  we  take  an 
interest  in  every  thing  going  on  in  the  world,  and 
we  like  to  hear  the  news.  Then  we  frequently,  in 
the  course  of  our  lives,  change  our  professions 
three  or  four  times,  and  like  to  collect  all  we  can 
from  strangers  as  well  as  others,  in  the  way  of  in 
formation.  What  is  of  no  use  to  the  farmer  or 
tradesman,  may  come  in  play  when  he  gets  to  be  a 
member  of  congress  or  a  judge,  and  for  this  rea 
son  he  wishes  to  learn  as  much  as  possible  of 
every  body  he  meets.  Most  people  like  to  show 
their  knowledge,  so  there  is  no  offence  in  asking 
them." 


188  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

I  began  to  be  tired  of  this  tall  fellow's  prating, 
and  to  get  rid  of  the  trouble  of  answering  his  ques 
tions,  rather  than  from  any  curiosity,  asked  him 
concerning  a  few  particulars  which  led  to  the  fol 
lowing  relation.  There  is  no  way  of  gaining  a 
genuine  Yankee  heart  so  effectually  as  asking  him 
for  the  history  of  his  life  and  adventures.  They 
are  all  Robinson  Crusoesin  their  own  opinion,  and 
never  lose  an  opportunity  of  playing  the  hero  of  a 
story,  even  if  they  should  invent  it  themselves.* 

"  1  was  born  in  New-Hampshire  ;  raised  in  the 
western  part  of  the  state  of  New-York  ;  married 
in  Ohio;  and  am  now  settled,  for  the  present,  in 
the  state  of  Missouri. "  Jupiter,  thought  I,  the 
man  has  travelled  over  half  the  globe  in  three  lines. 
"  I  have  been  a  man  of  various  enterprise,  and 
miscellaneous  occupation.  At  seventeen  years  I 
commenced  land  surveyor  in  the  Genesee  coun 
try,  which  was  then  something  of  a  wilderness, 
and  hardly  afforded  me  employment,  so  that  I  had 
sufficient  leisure  to  visit  my  native  town  and  get 
married.  I  forgot  that  neither  my  wife  nor  my 
self  were  worth  ten  dollars.  However,  we  don't 
forget  such  things  long,  that's  one  comfort.  We 
returned  to  Genesee  with  one  dollar  in  my  pocket, 
and  none  in  that  of  my  wrife.  For  some  time  I 
did  not  make  much  money ;  but  then  we  had  plen 
ty  of  children,  which,  in  a  new  country,  are  bet- 
fer  than  money.  However,  I  managed  to  save  a 
little  every  year,  with  the  intention  of  buying  a 
few  hundred  acres  of  land.  But  the  land  rose  in 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  189 

price  faster  than  I  made  money.  So  that  by  the 
time  I  had  got  together  five  hundred  dollars,  land 
was  a  dollar  and  a  half  an  acre.  This  won't  do 
for  me,  thought  I  ;  but  just  then  the  people  began 
to  talk  of  Ohio,  where  land  was  selling  at  that  time 
for  two  and  six  pence  an  acre.  (  Betsey,'  said  I, 
(  shall  we  go  to  Ohio  ?'  '  To  the  end  of  the  world, 
John/  replied  she ;  and  away  we  scampered  the 
next  day.  Here  I  bought  a  good  stout  farm,  cut 
down  some  trees  for  a  place  for  my  house,  girdled 
others  for  a  place  for  my  wheat,  and  built  a  log 
house,  twenty  feet  long  at  least.  People  soon 
flocked  round,  so  that  in  a  little  time'  there  was 
some  occasion  for  law :  so  they  made  me  a  justice 
of  the  peace.  Not  long  after,  it  was  thought 
but  proper  to  introduce  a  little  religion :  so  I  took 
to  reading  a  sermon  every  Sunday,  at  the  request 
of  my  neighbours.  By-and-by  it  was  thought 
prudent  to  embody  a  company  of  militia  for  pro 
tection  against  the  Indians ;  so  they  made  me  a  cap 
tain  of  militia.  In  a  year  or  two  there  was  a  town 
laid  out,  and  a  court-house  built.  This  introduced 
two  new  wants — that  of  a  judge  and  a  town  trea 
surer — so  they  made  me  a  judge,  and  a  town  trea 
surer.  The  establishment  of  a  town,  brought 
with  it  the  want  of  a  newspaper  ;  so  a  newspaper 
was  set  up,  and  I  volunteered  as  editor. 

"  These  honours  were  very  gratifying  to  be 
sure,  but  all  this  time  my  family  was  increasing 
both  in  size  and  number.  I  had  six  girls  and 
five  boys,  some  of  them  six  feet  high.  I  began 


190  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMEBICA. 

to  be  uneasy  about  providing  for  all  these.  1 
had  only  sixteen  hundred  acres  of  land,  and  that 
was  not  enough  for  them  all.  The  thought  struck 
me  I  could  sell  it  for  enough  to  buy  six  or  eight 
thousand  in  Missouri  territory.  '  Betsey,'  said 
I,  '  will  you  go  to  Missouri?'  '  To  the  end  of 
the  world,  John,'  said  the  brave  girl.  So  the  next 
day  but  one  we  hied  away  to  JVtissouri,  where  I 
bought  a  few  thousand  acres.  We  were  almost 
alone  at  first ;  but  in  a  year  or  two  people  came 
faster  and  faster,  so  that  from  a  territory  we  be 
came  a  state,  and  wanted  members  of  congress. 
So  they  made  me  a  member  of  congress.  But  the 
country  is  getting  too  thickly  settled  for  me — and 
I  think  next  year  of  moving  up  the  river  five  or 
six  hundred  miles,  to  get  out  of  the  crowd.  I  am 
now  on  my  way  to  the  Federal  City,  where  I 
mean  to  make  speeches  like  a  brave  fellow.  But 
see,  we  are  just  arrived,  and  I  must  look  to  my 
baggage."  He  then  shook  me  by  the  hand,  and 
gave  me  a  hearty  invitation  to  come  and  see  him 
next  summer,  when  I  should  probably  find  him 
somewhere  about  the  mouth  of  the  Yellow-Stone. 
I  thanked  him,  as  in  duty  bound,  and  so  we 
parted. 

This  wandering  Gentile  may  stand  for  the  whole 
progeny  of  democracy.  Such  is  their  utter  indif 
ference  to  home,  and  all  its  delightful  associations, 
that  rather  than  stay  there,  and  get  upon  the  pa 
rish,  they  will  leave  their  kindred,  friends,  and 
Household  gods,  to  herd  with  Indians  and  buffaloes 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  191 

in  the  pathless  wilderness.  If  they  cannot  live  in 
one  place,  they  try  another — if  they  cannot  thrive 
by  one  trade,  they  turn  to  another ;  and  so  ring 
the  changes  until  they  succeed  at  last.  Hence,  as  a 
natural  consequence,  they  turn  drunkards,  swear 
ers,  dirkers,  spitters,  bundlers,  gougers,  and  blas 
phemers,  caring  neither  for  God  nor  man,  and 
finally  sink  into  the  polluted  pool  of  diabolical  de 
mocracy,  a  prey  to  bitter  remorse  and  consuming 
recollections.* 

I  am  reminded  by  the  familiarity  of  this  back 
woodsman,  of  the  filthy  republican  practice  of 
shaking  hands,  which  prevails  in  this  country. 
Such  is  their  insolent  familiarity ,  originating  doubt 
less  in  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy,  that  the 
most  ragged  genius  that  labours  in  the  streets  or 
fields,  will  thrust  forth  his  brawny  paw,  to  shake 
hands  with  the  President  himself,  who  would 
be  considered  unworthy  of  his  station  if  he  de 
clined  this  honour.  If  two  strangers  happen  to 
travel  together  two  or  three  days  in  a  stage,  they 
cannot  part  without  shaking  hands ;  and  this  in 
sufferable  assurance  extends  so  far,  that  I  have 
been  actually  more  than  once  insulted,  by  being 
offered  the  hand  of  a  landlord,  at  whose  house  I 
happened  to  sojourn  for  a  few  days.  On  being  in 
troduced  to  a  person,  no  matter  how  inferior,  he 
would  feel  himself  terribly  affronted,  and  ten  to 
one  gouge  you,  if  you  declined  his  offered  hand. 
Such  is  the  vulgar  hale -fellow- well-met  familiarity 
engendered  by  the  possession  of  equal  rights,  and 
*  Vide  Qtiarterly. 


192  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

the  absence  of  a  king  and  nobility  to  teach  the 
people  their  proper  distance.* 

When  I  came  to  pay  my  fare,  the  captain,  with 
a  smile  of  unpardonable  insolence,  declined  re 
ceiving  it,  observing,  that  as  I  had  gone  up  the 
river  with  him  by  mistake,  he  could  not  in  con 
science  charge  any  thing  for  bringing  me  back 
again.  I  had  no  doubt  that  he  did  this  merely  to 
escape  the  consequences  of  having  put  me  to  the 
expense  and  inconvenience  of  twice  travelling 
backwards  and  forwards,  thirty  or  forty  miles. 
But  I  was  resolved  not  to  let  him  off  so  easily,  and 
accordingly  the  moment  I  landed  inquired  the  way 
to  a  magistrate.  I  found  this  worthy  seated  in  his 
office,  which,  judging  from  appearances,  must  have 
been  at  no  distant  date,  a  stable  or  a  pig-sty.  His 
v/orship,  before  I  could  open  my  business  desired 

me  to  wait  a  little,  "  and  be  d d  to  me,"  till 

he  was  at  leisure.  It  seems  he  was  receiving  the 
report  of  Master  Constable,  who  had  been  out  on 
a  scouting  party.  The  following  dialogue  passed 
between  them  : 

"  Well,  Simon,  where  are  your  prisoners?" 
"  I   caught  them."     It  would  have  been  too 
much  for  the  spirit  of  equality  to  have  added. 
"  Your  worship." 

"  Well,  what  did  you  do  with  them  ?" 
"  I  gave  the  defendant  fifteen  lashes." 
"  And  what  did  you  do  with  the  plaintiff?'* 

•  Vide  Quarterly  Review. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  103 

"  I  gave  him  fifteen  lashes  too  ?" 

"  And  what  did  you  do  with  the  person  who 
laid  the  information  ?" 

"  Why  I  gave  him  twenty-five  lashes  for  giving 
us  so  much  trouble." 

"  You  did  right/'  said  his  worship;  "  these 
rascals  ought  to  be  discouraged." 

I  began  to  commune  with  myself,  that  if  this 
was  the  republican  mode  of  administering  justice, 
the.  less  I  had  of  it  t'he  better.  After  hesitating  a 
moment,  whether  it  was  worth  while  to  receive 
twenty-five  lashes  for  the  pleasure  of  seeing  the 
Captain  get  fifteen,  and  finding  the  balance  rather 
against  me,  I  made  his  worship  a  low  bow,  and 
departed  without  further  ceremony.  In  going  out 
I  heard  his  worship  say  to  Simon — "  Curse  that 
fellow  ;  if  I  was  not  just  now  engaged  on  a  pig- 
stealing  party,  with  the  mayor  and  alderman,  I'd 
fay  him  by  the  heels."* 

*  Vide  Quarterly. 


17 


194 


CHAP.  XVI. 

Author's  malediction  on  Philadelphia— Quartet ly— Is  again  be 
leaguered  by  a  modest  republican — Their  conversation — Vari 
ous  accidents  and  lucky  escapes  at  Nachitoches,  Vincennes, 
Wheeling,  Vandalia,  Tombigbee,  Big  and  Little  Sandy — Big 
and  Little  Muddy,  and  Big  Dry  Rivers— Arrival  at  Baltimore 
— Insolence  of  the  Baltitnoreans — Buys  a  horse  and  sulky  to 
escape  the  intrusion  of  the  spirit  of  democracy — Terrible  pic 
ture  of  slavery — Pine  woods — Stops  at  a  lone  house,  which 
turns  out  to  be  the  rendezvous  of  banditti — Providential  es 
cape — Leaves  his  watch  behind — Despatches  Pompey — Pom- 
pey's  account  of  his  mission  to  Old  Hobby — Arrival  at  Wash 
ington. 

LEAVING  my  malediction  upon  the  city,  the 
people,  the  magistracy,  and  every  living  thing 
else  within  it,  I  departed  from  Philadelphia,  as 
usual  out  of  humour  with  the  world,  and  disgust 
ed  with  the  whole  clan  of  immaculate  republicans. 
As  we  were  rapidly  passing  up  the  river  towards 
the  south,  I  retired  as  far  from  every  body,  as  I 
could,  and  sat  down  to  look  over  the  fifty-eighth 
number  of  the  Quarterly,  in  order  to  refresh  my 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  195 

memory  with  some  of  the  most  striking  beauties 
of  the  turbulent  spirit  of  democracy.  But  go 
where  you  will,  it  is  impossible  to  keep  clear  of 
the  intrusion  of  these  free  and  easy  republicans. 
While  thus  occupied,  one  of  the  most  decently 
dressed  and  respectable  republicans  I  had  hitherto 
seen,  came  walking  back  and  forth,  passing  and 
repassing  before  me.  I  laid  down  my  book  and 
went  into  the  cabin  for  a  moment,  to  get  my 
handkerchief,  which  I  had  left  there,  and  which 
I  found  exactly  in  the  same  place.  This  I  mention 
as  one  of  the  wonders  of  this  new  world. 

Returning  to  my  post,  I  found  this  modest  gen 
tleman  had  taken  up  my  book  and  was  turning 
over  the  leaves,  but  he  condescended  to  return 
it  to  me  with  an  apology  for  the  liberty  he  had 
taken. 

"I  felt  some  anxiety  to  see  it,"  said  he,  "as  I 
perceive  it  contains  the  article  on  Mr.  Faux?s 
Travels,  which  was  omitted  in  the  re-publication 
here." 

"  Indeed  !"  replied  I  with  cool  indifference ; 
"  pray  what  was  the  cause  of  this  omission?" 

"  I  understand  it  contained  certain  libellous  pas 
sages  concerning  a  respectable  gentleman  in  this 
country,  and  his  connexions.  For  my  part  I  think 
it  ought  to  have  been  preserved.  A  criticism  de 
generating  into  a  string  of  libels,  is  a  curiosity 
peculiar  to  the  present  refined  age  of  literature." 

"  The  greater  the  truth,  the  greater  the  libel," 


196  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

said  I.  "  Your  countrymen  I  hope  are  not  afraid 
or  ashamed  of  the  truth." 

"  No,  not  when  we  can  get  it  pure  and  unmix 
ed.  But  sketches  at  best  degenerating  into  carica 
ture,  and  for  the  most  part  drawn  from  the  very 
worst  specimens  of  manners,  and  by  persons  ani 
mated  by  the  worst  feelings  of  hostility,  who  have 
not  even  the  discretion  to  hide  their  malignity, 
are  not  subjects  of  very  pleasing  contemplation^, 
certainly." 

I  took  up  the  book,  and  opening  it  at  the  re 
view  of  Faux,  began  questioning  the  man,  as  fol 
lows,  making  it  my  text. 

"  Can  you  deny,  sir,  that  it  is  the  very  nature 
of  a  democracy  to  make  men  turbulent,  ill-man 
nered,  ferocious,  drunken,  beastly,  and  rude  to 
the  last  degree?"* 

"  I  have  in  some  measure  brought  this  diseus- 
tion  on  my  head,"  replied  he  with  a  smile,  "  and 
will  answer  you  in  a  different  manner  than  I 
should  do  under  other  circumstances.  Cast  your 
eyes  around  the  deck;  there  are  probably  seven 
ty,  perhaps  a  hundred  persons  in  sight.  They 
come  in  all  likelihood  from  almost  every  section 
of  the  United  States,  and  are  of  different  grades, 
stations,  occupations,  and  education.  Do  you  see 
any  one  drunk  ?" 

I  looked  around,  and  though  the  deck  was  co 
vered  with  men,  women,  and  children,  wallowing 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  197 

like  swine  in  the  filth  of  debauchery,  replied, 
•<  why — no — I  can't  say  I  do  exactly  ;"  being  re 
solved  to  hear  what  the  gentleman  had  to  say  for 
himself. 

"  Do  you  observe  any  appearance  of  turbulence, 
rudeness,  ferocity,  or  indecency?" 

Just  then  a  couple  of  deacons  set  to,  and  gouged 
out  each  other's  eyes ;  but  I  was  resolved  to  see 
nothing,  and  replied- — 

"  None  in  the  least." 

"  Do  you  apprehend,  sir,  if  this  drunkenness, 
rudeness,  turbulence,  ferocity,  this  dirking,  goug 
ing,  swearing,  and  impiety,  were  so  universal  a 
characteristic  as  the  Quarterly  is  pleased  to  affirm, 
there  would  not  be  some  examples  exhibited  here 
among  so  many  persons,  of  such  various  occupa 
tions  and  characters,  coming  from  all  parts  of  the 
United  States?" 

"O,  certainly,  certainly,"  said  I,  witha"glance 
directing  his  attention  to  a  fellow  who  had  just 
dirked  his  second  cousin,  and  thrown  him  over 
board.  But  my  gentleman  kept  his  countenance 
in  a  manner  worthy  a  true  disciple  of  brazen  de 
mocracy. 

"  I  will  not  pretend  to  deny,"  continued  this 
intolerable  proser,  "  that  our  people  have  some 
thing  of  the  wild  flavour  about  them,  or  that  they 
partake  in  some  degree  of  the  imperfections  inci 
dent  to  their  history  and  situation.  Let  your  tra 
vellers  tell  us  of  these  in  the  spirit  of  friendly  ad 
monition,  and  show  the  same  frankness  in  dis- 
17* 


198  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

playing  our  good  qualities,  that  they  do  jn  repro 
bating  our  faults.  Accustomed  as  Europeans  are 
to  a  world  a  little  on  the  wane,  they,  are  too  apt 
to  mistake  the  manly  frankness  of  freemen,  for  a 
forward  impudence,  and  to  confound  the  virtues 
of  independence  of  spirit,  with  the  opposite  vices 
of  a  freedom  from  all  salutary  restraints.  The 
want  of  that  sense  of  inferiority,  which  makes  the 
subjects  of  a  monarch  pay  such  abject  deference  to 
rank  and  wealth,  is  too  often  mistaken  for  rude 
ness  ;  and  thus  the  very  sense  of  personal  inde 
pendence,  which  is  essential  to  the  preservation  of 
freedom,  is  laid  to  our  charge  as  a  proof  of  barba 
rism  and  ferocity.  But,"  continued  he,  smiling, 
"  if  perchance  you  are  a  traveller  of  the  literary 
class,  I  may  sometime  hence  figure  in  your  book 
as  an  example  of  that  inveterate  love  of  talking 
which  has  been  ascribed  to  our  people.  I  shall 
therefore  conclude  by  observing  that  the  differ 
ence  is,  that  our  world  is  not  quite  ripe,  and  yours 
is  a  little  decayed.  We  think  our  world  is  the 
better  for  blooming  in  all  the  freshness  of  youth  ; 
while  you  appear  to  be  of  opinion  that  your  world, 
like  a  cheese,  is  the  better  for  being  a  little  rot 
ten."  He  then  slightly  bowed  and  left  me,  before 
1  had  time  to  make  a  cutting  reply.  But  I  was 
determined  to  pay  him  off  at  a  proper  time. 

After  passing  through  the  towns  of  Natchitoches, 
Vincennes,  Utiea,  Vandalia,  and  Tombigbee,  and 
crossing  the  Big  Sandy,  and  Little  Sandy,  not  for 
getting  the  Big  Muddy,  and  Little  Muddy  rivers, 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  199 

(did  ever  Christian  man  hear  such  names?)  we  ar 
rived  at  the  great  city  of  Baltimore.    I  should  nofc 
omit  to  mention  that  I  was  robbed  at  Natchitoches, 
gouged  at  Utica,  roasted  at  a  log  fire  in  Vandalia, 
and  dirked  at  Tombigbee.     Besides  these   acci 
dents,  I  was  all  but  drowned  in  Big  Dry  River, 
but  luckily  escaped  by  its  having  no  water  in  it. 
This  was  a  pretty  tolerable  chapter  of  accidents  for 
one  day,  and  may  serve  as  an  antidote  to  the  delu 
sions  of  transatlantic  speculation,  the  seductions  of 
Mr.  Birkbeck,  and  the  democratic  slang  of  Miss 
Wright,  Capt.  Hall,  and  the  rest  of  the  radical  fry 
of  democracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says  * 

It  was  my  intention  to  spend  two. or  three  days 
at  Baltimore,  but  happening  to  take  a  walk  on  the 
morning  of  my  arrival,  I  encountered  a  monument, 
purporting  to  have  been  erected  to  the  memory  of 
certain  persons  who  fell  in  an  action  with  the  Bri 
tish  in  the  late  war,  and  in  which  the  latter  were 
defeated,  and  their  commander,  General  Ross, 
killed.  There  was  no  standing  this  insolent  exhibi 
tion  of  republican  vanity,  and  I  determined  to  stay 
no  longer  in  a  pla«e  where  such  studied  attempts 
are  made  to  mortify  the  feelings  of  Englishmen, 
and  perpetuate  hostility  between  the  two  nations. 
There  is  also  another  monument  erecting  here  to 
the  memory  of  the  rebel  Washington,  an  addition 
al  proof  of  the  justice  with  which  this  place  has 
feeen  denounced,  as  the  very  stnk  of  democracy. 

*  Vide  r>'o,58}  Eng.  Ed. 


200  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

Accordingly  I  bought  a  horse  and  sulkey,  being 
resolved  for  the  future  to  travel  by  myself,  in  or 
der  to  get  rid  of  the  impertinent  intrusions  of  these 
free  and  easy  republicans,  and- enjoying  my  own 
company  unmolested.  For  this  purpose  I  crossed 
over  to  the  eastern  shore  of  Maryland,  and  travel 
led  on  a  by-road  to  the  city  of  Washington. 

I  thought  the  negroes  were  bad  enough  off  in 
New-England,  but  it  was  nothing  to  what  I  saw 
here.  The  road  was  lined  with  naked  negroes  on 
each  side,  begging  for  charity,  this  being  their 
only  refuge  from  absolute  starvation,  as  their  mas 
ters  allow  them  nothing.  Instead  of  scarecrows  to> 
frighten  the  birds  from  the  corn,  you  generally  see 
negroes  hung  up  in  the  fields  for  that  purpose.  I 
cut  one  poor  fellow  down  just  in  time  to  save  his 
life,  and  on  inquiring  the  cause  of  his  being  thus 
inhumanly  punished,  he  told  me  his  only  offence 
was  eating  a  piece  of  mouldy  bread,  which  he 
found  one  day  in  the  cupboard  !  Yet  such  is  the 
force  of  habit,  that  this  miserable  wretch,  instead 
of  thanking  me  for  saving  his  life,  skipped  over  a 
six  rail  fence,  joined  a  party  of  blacks  at  work  in 
the  field,  and  struck  in  with  might  and  main  in 
the  songs  they  were  singing !  I  thought  of  the 
fable  of  the  swan,  singing  in  the  agonies  of  death, 
and  drove  on. 

Towards  evening,  the  road  led  through  a  coun 
try  of  thick  melancholy  pines,  which  deepened  the 
approaching  gloom,  and  the  houses  became  farther 
and  farther  separated.  I  had  now  proceeded  se- 


JOHN    BULL'  IN    AMERICA.  201 

veral  miles  without  seeing  a  habitation,  or  meet 
ing;  a  single  human  being.  The  night  was  fast 
approaching,  and  I  began  to  anticipate  a  lodging 
in  the  woods,  when,  to  my  great  joy,  I  saw  a  light 
gleaming,  or  flickering,  at  fitful  intervals,  through 
the  branches  of  the  trees.  As  I  approached,  I 
could  distinguish  by  the  light  of  the  moon,  which 
now  rose  in  cloudless  majesty,  a  desolate,  dilapi 
dated  mansion,  the  windows  of  which  were  for  the 
most  part  broken,  and  the  walls  half  in  ruins. 
Two  or  three  dogs  saluted  me  as  I  rode  up,  with 
a  republican  growl,  which  were  chid  by  a  shrill 
female  voice,  crying — "  Be  quiet  Nap — get  out 
Caesar, you  villain."  The  dogs  obeyed  the  voice, 
and  sneaked  away. 

"  Who's  there?"  continued  the  same  voice. 

"  A  traveller,"  replied  I,  "  who  is  benighted, 
and  in  want  of  food  as  well  as  rest.  Can  you  ac 
commodate  me  for  the  night  ?" 

Here  was  a  pause  of  a  minute,  during  which  the 
female  went  into  the  house  to  consult  the  master, 
as  I  supposed,  for  at  the  expiration  of  that  time  a 
man  came  forth,  and  in  a  hoarse  voice  said  to 
me : — 

"  We  can  give  you  a  bed  and  a  supper,  such  as 
they  are.  Alight,  sir,  and  my  boys  will  see  to 
your  horse." 

I  accordingly  entered  the  house  through  a  door 
which  opened  directly  into  a  large  room,  at  one 
end  of  which  there  was  a  brisk  fire,  which  served 
instead  of  candles.  "  Sit  down."  said  the  old  man, 


202  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

handing  me  a  straw-bottomed  chair,  "  and  we  will 
see  whst  we  can  get  you  for  supper,  Clementina !" 
said  he,  raising  his  voice. 

"  I'm  coming,  daddy,"  answered  somebody, 
and  forthwith  in  came  Clementina,  a  damsel  of  at 
least  six  feet  in  her  stockings.  She  looked  like  a 
sibyl,  with  eyes  black  a?  a  coal,  wild  as  those  of 
a  deer,  and  long  lank  hair,  glossy  and  straight, 
hanging  about  her  neck  and  shoulders.  I  confess 
I  felt  rather  odd  at  seeing  her,  but  my  feelings 
were  nothing  to  those  which  rushed  over  me  on 
entrance  of  the  two  boys,  as  the  old  man  called 
them.  They  were  at  least  seven  feet  high,  raw- 
boned  and  savage  in  ther  aspect,  with  nothing  on 
them  but  a  linen  shirt  and  trowsers.  Though  I 
came  in  an  elegant  new  gig,  and  was  dressed  in 
the  most  fashionable  travelling  costume,  they  seem 
ed  not  to  feel  the  least  embarrassment  at  my  pre 
sence,  but  took  chairs  and  sat  down  at  my  side 
with  the  genuine  air  of  republican  insolence.  I 
tried  all  I  could  to  look  dignified,  but  in  spite  of 
myself  could  not  repress  certain  apprehensions, 
which  gradually  came  over  me,  and  undermined 
my  sense  of  superiority.  The  old  man  and  his 
wife,  who  by  the  way  though  apparently  advanced 
in  years,  were  as  tall  and  as  straight  as  the  rest 
of  them,  asked  me  a  great  many  questions  in  the 
way  of  guessing  and  reckoning,  while  Clementina 
bestirred  herself  in  preparing  and  bringing  in  the 
supper. 

When  it  was  ready  they  all  sat  down  without 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  203 

ceremony,  and  with  as  little  ceremony  invited  me 
to  follow  their  example.  Here  was  a  practical  il 
lustration  of  the  blessings  of  equality  ;  but  I  was 
determined  to  put  up  with  their  insolence  for  one 
night.  The  supper  consisted  of  loads  of  meat, 
ham,  venison,  game  of  various  kinds,  in  quantities 
sufficient  to  feast  an  army.  I-  began  to  sum  up  the 
probable  amount  of  my  bill,  as  I  concluded  I  should 
have  to  pay  for  the  feasting  of  the  whole  family, 
and  what  was  left  besides.  "  Help  yourself,"  said 
the  old  man,  "  and  don't  be  a  stranger — Pm  sorry 
we  have  nothing  better — but  you're  heartily  wel 
come."  Most  people  are  welcome,  thought  I,  for 
their  money,  but  I  said  nothing. 

"  We  cannot  afford  tea  and  coffee,"  continued 
the  old  man,  *'  but  here  is  some  old  whiskey  that 
I  hope  you  will  like.  Come,  help  yourself,  and 
here's  to  old  Hickory." 

My  stomach  turned  at  the  very  smell  of  this  ex 
ecrable  beverage;  but  recollecting  the  republican 
custom  of  roasting  their  particular  friends  by  a 
log  fire  for  refusing  to  drink,  I  thought  fit  to  help 
myself,  and  make  as  if  I  drank.  In  this  way  sup 
per  passed  off  smoothly  enough,  and  the  old  man 
then  directed  Clementina  to  make  arrangements 
for  the  night.  "  You  boys  will  be  obliged  to 
give  up  your  room  to  the  stranger,  and  Clementi 
na  will  make  you  one  in  the  corner  here."  While 
this  was  doing,  I  amused,  or  rather  perplexed  my 
self  in  looking  about  the  room,  and  wondering 
where  these  people  could  procure  such  luxuries  as 


204  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

Venison  and  wild  game.  But  as  the  light  flashed 
in  a  remote  and  obscure  corner  on  one  side  of  the 
fireplace,  I  was  struck  with  horror  at  seeing  three 
rifles  hanging  one  below  the  other  upon  hooks 
fixed  in  the  wall.  The  whole  truth  flashed  upon 
me  at  once.  I  am  in  a  den  of  banditti,  thought  I, 
and  my  moments  are  numbered.  They  will  mur 
der  me  to-night,  and  none  will  know  my  wretched 
fate.  The  old  man  will  lay  out  all  my  money  to 
morrow  in  whiskey — the  boys  will  go  a  courting 
in  my  new  gig,  dressed  in  my  dandy  coats,  and 
Clementina  will  figure  in  my  patent  corseUs*  I 
burst  into  tears  at  the  awful  anticipation. 

"  What  ails  you?"  said  the  old  man. 

"  May-be  he  has  got  the  stomach-ach,"  quoth 
the  old  hag,  who  now  began  to  look  just  like  one 
of  the  great  unknown's  remarkable  old  women. 

"Take  a  little  more  whiskey,"  said  Clementia, 
with  a  look  of  diabolical  tenderness. 

At  first  I  was  going  to  reject  it  with  infinite  con 
tempt,  but  on  second  thoughts,  and  considering 
what  I  had  to  go  through  that  night,  I  determined 
to  fortify  myself  with  Dutch  courage  after  the 
manner  of  the  Yankees,  and  if  I  must  die,  die  like 
a  true  republican  hero. 

"  Your  bed  is  got  ready,"  said  Clementina,  but 
I  determined  to  sit  up  and  defer  my  fate  as  long 
as  possible.  They  now  began  to  yawn,  and  one 
after  the  other  retired,  wishing  me  good  night,  un 
til  decency  obliged  me  to  follow  their  example. 
My  room  opened  directly  from  that  in  which  we 


JOHN    BULL  IX  AMERICA.  205 

were  sitting,  and  where  the  two  boys  were  to  sleep, 
no  doubt,  as  I  felt  assured,  to  be  handy  for  mur 
dering  me.  I  retired  to  my  room,  the  door  of 
which  I  attempted  to  fasten,  but  there  was  nothing 
but  a  latch.  I  looked  at  the  sheets,  but  they  were 
white  as  snow,  Clementina  having,  as  I  conclud 
ed,  taken  the  precaution  to  pick  out  a  pair  that  was 
not  stained  with  blood,  so  as  not  to  alarm  me.  I 
looked  under  the  bed,  and  discovered  something 
that  greatly  resembled  a  trapdoor,  with  leathern 
hinges. 

This  discovery  overset  me  entirely.  I  paced 
my  room  to  and  fro,  and  listened  in  breathless  anx 
iety  to  every  sound.  If  a  mouse  stirred,  my  heart 
leapt  into  my  throat.  I  heard  the  owl  and  the 
whippoorwill,  those  ill-omened  birds,  screeching 
and  flapping  their  wings  at  my  window,  and  ming 
ling  their  shrill  warnings  with  the  distant  howl- 
ings  of  half-famished  wolves.  I  was  determined 
not  to  lie  down,  for  fear  of  being  murdered  in  my 
sleep,  and  at  length  to  while  away  the  time,  took 
up  the  fifty-eighth  number  of  the  Quarterly.  But 
this  only  added  to  my  boding  apprehensions.  As 
I  read  of  the  gougings,  bundlings,  dirkings,  and 
guessings;  of  roasting  alive  on  red-hot  log  fires — 
often  dollars  being  the  price  of  a  man's  life  in  this 
country,  and  of  all  the  diabolical  horrors  of  turbu 
lent  democracy,  my  spirit  failed  me,  and  I  sunk 
insensibly  on  the  floor. 

How  long  I  remained  in  this  unconscious  state 
I  cannot  say,  but  I  was  roused  at  length  by  a  noise 
IS 


206  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

of  mingled  bowlings,  barkings,  cacklings,  ant! 
Growings,  that  entered  my  very  soul.  Presently 
after  I  heard  a  stirring  in  the  next  room,  and  a 
light  shone  through  the  keyhole.  It  is  all  over 
with  me  now,  thought  I — my  time  is  come — 
"  'Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep,"  said  I  to  my 
self,  and  waited  in  desperate  suspense.  At  length 
I  ventured  to  look  through  the  keyhole,  where  I 
saw  a  sight  that  froze  me  into  horror.  The  two 
young  banditti  had  taken  down  their  rifles,  and 
while  loading  them,  the  following  dialogue  passed 
between  them  in  whispers — 

"  D n  him  but  I'll  do  his  business;  Pll  give 

him  his  bitters." 

"  Hush  !"  replied  the  other,  "  you'll  wake  the 
gentleman." 

Again  there  was  a  confused  noise  of  howling-, 
barking,  and  cackling  without.  ".Now  is  our  time," 
said  one,  and  both  of  them  made,  not  for  my  door, 
but  out  of  that  which  led  into  the  yard.  I  breathed 
again  fora  moment, until  I  heard  two  guns  fired  at 
a  little  distance.  They  are  murdering  some  poor 
unfortunate  travellers,  thought  I,  and  my  time 
will  come  next.  In  about  half  an  hour  they  re 
turned,  and  threw  something  that  fell  like  a  dead 
heavy  weight  on  the  floor. 

"  By  G — d  we've  done  for  him  at  last,''  said 
one  ;  "  the  rascal  fought  like  a  tiger.  Let's  strip 
the  gentleman  of  his  hide." 

"  No,  no,"  replied  the  other,  "  wait  till — '" 
here  his  voice  sunk,  and  I  could  only  guess  at  what 


JCHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  207 

was  meant.  I  grew  desperate,  and  tried  to  push 
up  the  window,  but  it  was  fastened  down  with 
nails,  to  make  all  sure  and  prevent  my  escaping 
that  way.  I  tried  the  trapdoor,  but  it  turned  out 
to  be  no  trapdoor  at  all.  I  listened  again,  but  by 
this  time  all  was  silent  in  the  adjoining  room.  The 
next  moment  I  heard  the  voice  of  the  old  man 
calling  his  '  boys/  and  perceived  to  my  astonish 
ment,  that  the  sun  was  just  peeping  above  the 
eastern  horizon.  Daylight,  which  emboldens  the 
innocent,  appals  the  guilty,  and  I  now  felt  myself 
safe.  I  came  out  of  my  room,  with  an  air  as  un 
concerned  as  possible,  and  was  received  as  if  no 
thing  had  happened. 

"  Good  morning — good  morning,"  said  the  im 
pudent  old  republican,  "  I  am  afraid  you  was  dis 
turbed  last  night.  The  boys  were  out  after  a  bear 
that  has  beat  up  our  quarters  several  times.  But 
he'll  never  come  again  I  reckon.  Isn't  he  a  whop 
per  ?"  continued  he,  pointing  to  the  carcass  in  a  cor 
ner.  A  happy  turn,  thought  I,  but  I'm  not  to  be 
humbugged  by  a  cock-and-bull  story.  They  pressed 
me  to  stay  to  breakfast,  but  I  was  resolved  not  to 
trust  myself  a  moment  longer  with  these  banditti, 
and  requested  them  to  get  my  gig  ready  as  soon 
as  possible.  In  the  mean  time,  I  asked  the  old  man 
for  his  bill. 

"  We  don't  keep  a  tavern,"  said  he. 

"  I  know  that,"  replied  I,  significantly,  "  but 
you  will  take  something  for  your  trouble  ?" 

"  Not  a  cent — every  stranger  that  comes  here  is 
welcome  to  what  I  can  offer.  I  have  but  little  mo- 


-OS  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA- 

ney,  but  a  plenty  of  every  thing  else,  and  it  is  not 
often  we  have  the  pleasure  of  a  stranger's  compa 
ny  in  this  out-of-the-way  place.  You  are  heartily 
welcome  to  your  bed  and  supper,  and  will  be  still 
more  so,  if  you  will  stay  to  breakfast." 

His  refusal  to  take  pay  was  another  proof,  if  any 
had  been  wanting,  of  the  profession  followed  by 
this  awful  family.  Banditti  are  always  above 
taking  money  that  is  honestly  their  due,  and  re 
quire  the  zest  of  a  little  murder  and  bloodshed  to 
make  it  worth  having.  I  bade  them  good  morrow 
with  very  little  ceremony,  and  set  off  in  a  brisk 
trot ;  but  before  I  had  got  a  quarter  of  a  mile,  I. 
heard  some  one  hallooing,  and  looking  back  per 
ceived  one  of  the  young  giants,  coming  after 
me  in  a  pair  of  seven-leagued  boots,  as  it  ap 
peared  by  his  speed.  I  concluded  they  had  re 
pented  having  spared  my  life,  and  had  sent  this 
fine  boy  after,  to  despatch  me.  Under  this  impres 
sion  I  put  my  horse  to  his  speed,  and  soon  distanc 
ed  the  fellow,  notwithstanding  his  seven-league 
boots.  I  rode  ten  miles  without  stopping,  being 
determined  to  get  out  of  the  very  atmosphere  of 
this  nest  of  banditti,  if  possible. 

By  this  time  I  was  hungry,  and  conceiving  my 
self  pretty  safe  from  any  immediate  pursuit,  stop 
ped  at  an  inn  of  tolerable  appearance.  '  The  land 
lord  according  to  the  custom  of  the  country,  took 
the  first  opportunity  to  ask  a  few  dozen  questions, 
ending  with,  "  Pray  what  o'clock  is  it?"  I  told 
him  I  didn't  know,  for  I  was  resolved  not  to  satis- 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  209 

fy  his  impertinent  curiosity.  "  0,  ay,"  said  he, 
•c  I  see  you  hav'n't  any  watch."  On  examination 
I  found  this  was  but  too  true,  and  it  at  once  occur 
red  to  my  recollection  that  I  had  left  it  at  the  den 
of  the  banditti  in  the  forest.  I  asked  mine  host 
if  he  knew  these  people,  describing  them  and  their 
establishment. 

"  What,  old  Hobby,  that  lives  in  the  Pines, 
about  ten  miles  off?  Know  him?  Lord  bless  your 
heart,  every  body  knows  him." 

I  then  condescended  to  tell  him  of  my  misfor 
tune,  and  desired  to  know  how  I  could  get  my 
watch  again.  He  answered  very  shrewdly,  that 
I  had  only  to  go  back  for  it.  But  I  would  not 
have  trusted  myself  there  again  for  twenty  watches. 
I  told  him  I  did  not  like  the  trouble  of  going  back 
so  far,  but  would  pay  any  person  reasonably  that 
would  ride  over  and  get  it  for  me.  A  bargain  was 
struck  with  Pompey,  the  black  boy,  in  which  it 
was  covenanted  that  the  said  Pompey,  on  return 
ing  with  my  watch,  in  the  space  of  three  hours, 
should  receive  from  me  a  silver  dollar  for  his 
pains.  Pompey  accordingly  mounted  a  raw-boned 
courser — fastened  a  rusty  spur  to  his  bare  heel — 
departed  at  full  gallop,  and  returned  with  my 
watch  in  less  than  two  hours  and  a  half. 

"  Did  they  refuse  the  watch,  Pompey?"  said  I. 

••'  No  !"  replied  Pompey  with  a  grin. 
.   "What  did  they  say?" 

-'  They  said,"    replied  Pompey,   wonderfully 
IS* 


:^iO  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 

enlarging  his  grin,  "  that  Massa  was  the  drollest 
man  they  ever  see  in  all  their  born  days." 

I  felt  no  curiosity  to  inquire  their  reasons  for 
this  complimentary  opinion,  but  paid  Pompey  his 
dollar,  and  said  no  more  on  the  subject.  After 
"breakfast  I  sat  out  for  Washington,  where  I  arrived 
in  safety,  thanks  to  my  good  stars, 


211 


CHAP.  XVII. 

Washington — Dr.  Thornton — Story  of  the  roaring  reprobate  re 
publican  Rarasbottom — Story  of  an  English  emigrant  Farmer 
—His  project — Disappointment.  *  *  *  * 

" EVERY  thing  is  morally  and  physically  mean 
at  Washington/'  as  the  Quarterly  says.""  The 
breezes  are  perfumed  by  nuisances  of  all  sorts — 
the  flies  die  and  mortify  in  the  oily  butter,  and 
are  eaten  by  the  people  as  a  great  luxuryt — drink 
ing,  dirking,  and  gouging,  are  the  ordinary  amuse 
ments — profanity  and  cheating  the  order  of  the 
day — the  fire-flies  and  frogs  furnish  the  lights  and 
the  music — the  men  are  boisterous  and  rude — the 
children  intolerable — the  women  all  as  ugly  as  sin 
- — and  to  sum  up  all  in  one  word,  I  was  assured 
by  Doctor  Thornton,  who  saved  the  capital  from 
being  burnt  last  war — that  "  the  whole  country, 
like  ancient  Rome,  is  peopled  by  thieves  and  rob- 

?  VideNe.  58,  Eng.Ed.  f  Ibid. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMEKICA. 

bers."*  The  Doctor  told  me  in  confidence  that 
although,  like  many  other  deluded  Englishmen, 
he  had  been  induced  to  leave  his  country,  yet  he 
was  determined  not  one  of  his  posterity  should 
take  root  after  him  in  this  detestable  district.!  The 
Doctor  presides  over  a  department,  where  models 
of  machinery  are  deposited,  and  it  furnishes  an 
other  proof  of  the  total  ignorance  of  these  immacu 
late  republicans,  that  they  were  obliged  to  select 
an  Englishman  for  this  station,  because  there  was 
not  a  single  native  in  the  whole  country,  that  was 
qualified  for  the  place.  The  Doctor  did  not  ex 
actly  say  this,  but  he  intimated  as  much.  He 
also  further  assured  me  that  there  was  not  a  single 
invention  patented  here,  that  he  himself  had  not 
previously  anticipated.  Yet  these  people  pretend 
to  original  genius. 

To  exemplify  the  state  of  manners  and  morals, 
as  well  as  the  ferocious,  intemperate  passions  en 
gendered  and  fostered  by  the  turbulent  spirit  of 
democracy,  the  Doctor  related  to  me  the  follow- 

*  Vide  No.  58,  Eng.  Ed. 

t  There  is  reason  to  suspect  that  the  person  here  quoted,  was 
not  the  Doctor  Thornton  he  professed  himself  to  be,  but  an  impos 
tor  j  or  at  any  rate  that  the  Doctor  was  bantering1  our  traveller 
on  these  occasions.  It  is  quite  impossible  he  should  have  been 
serious.  There  is  the  same  unwarrantable  freedom  taken  with 
tlie  name  of  this  gentleman  in  Faux's  Travels,  as  will  be  seen  in 
the  58th  number  of  the  Quarterly,  (English  ed.)  to  which  our  au 
thor  so  frequently  refers.  By  the  way  people  should  be  careful 
how  they  attempt  to  hoax  English  travellers  with  these  stories, 
for  they  will  certainly  record  them  as  actual  facts.— Editor. 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  213 

mg  anecdote.     The  affair  took  place  a  few  days  be 
fore  my  arrival. 

It  seems  a  fellow  by  the  name  of  Ramsbottom,* 
a  man-milliner  by  trade,  and  a  roaring  republican, 
had  taken  offence  at  a  neighbour  whose  name  was 
Higginbottom,  because  his  wife  had  attempted  to 
cheapen  a  crimped  tucker  at  his  shop,  and  after 
wards  reported  that  he  sold  his  things  much  dearer 
than  his  rival  man-milliner  who  lived  over  the 
way,  whose  name  was  Winterbottom,  and  whose 
next  door  neighbour  on  the  right  hand  was  named 
Leatherbottom,  and  on  the  left  Oddy.  In  the  pure 
spirit  of  democracy,  Ramsbottom,  who  was  reck 
oned  rather  a  good  natured  fellow  for  a  republican, 
determined  to  dirk  not  only  Higginbottom,  Win 
terbottom,  Leatherbottom,  and  Oddy,  but  likewise 
their  wives,  together  with  all  the  little  Higginbot- 
toms,  Winterbottoms,  Leatherbottom s,  Oddys,  and 
Oddities.  It  was  several  years  before  Ramsbot 
tom  could  get  them  all  together,  so  as  to  make  one 
job  of  it.  At  last,  however,  he  collected  the  whole 
party  at  his  own  house,  which  was  next  door  to 
the  Doctor's,  to  keep  their  Christmas-eve,  and  de 
termined  to  execute  his  diabolical  purpose.  It  ap 
pears,  however,  that  he  had  previously  changed 
his  purpose  of  dirking,  on  account  of  the  trouble, 
probably,  as  he  was  a  lazy  dog.  Be  this  as  it  may. 


*  Our  author  forgets  that  he  has  told  this  story  before,  two  or 
three  times.     But  this  is  excusable  in  a  stranger. 

Printer's  DeviL 


214  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

just  as  the  whole  party  were  up  to  their  eyes  in  a 
Christmas  pie,  a  horrible  explosion  took  place — 
the  house  blew  up,  and  every  soul,  Ramsbottom , 
Higginbottom,  Winterbottom,  Leatherbottom, 
their  wives,  and  all  the  little  innocent  Ramsbot- 
toms,Higginbottoms,  Winterbottoms,  Leatherbot- 
toms,  Oddys,  and  Oddities,  were  scattered  in  such 
minute  and  indivisible  atoms,  that  not  a  vestige  of 
them  could  be  found  the  next  day,  except  a  little 
bit  of  Mrs.  Higginbottom's  fore  finger,  that  was 
known  by  the  length  of  the  nail ;  it  being  the  cus 
tom  of  the  ladies  of  Washington  to  let  that  parti 
cular  nail  grow,  for  the  purpose  of  protecting  them 
selves  against  gouging  at  tea-parties  and  elsewhere. 
Such  is  the  ferocity  and  deadly  spirit  of  vengeance 
generated  in  the  hotbed  of  polluted  democracy, 
that  the  desperado,  Ramsbottom,  it  appears,  like 
another  republican  Samson  of  old,  hesitated  not  to 
involve  himself  and  all  his  family  in  destruction, 
only  to  be  revenged  upon  a  poor  woman  for  cheap 
ening  a  crimped  tucker. 

The  first  thing  in  Washington  that  excites  the 
notice  of  a  stranger  who  has  been  used  to  living 
under  a  monarchical,  or  what  is  the  same  thing,  a 
Christian  dispensation,  is,  that  there  is  not  a  single 
church  in  the  whole  city.  This  however  is  the 
case  with  every  town  and  city  in  this  country, 
founded  since  the  revolution,  when  the  turbulent 
spirit  of  democracy  getting  the  upper  hand,  as 
might  be  expected,  the  building  of  churches  was 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

dispensed  with,  as  highly  aristocratic.  So  much, 
indeed,  did  the  British  troops  feel  the  want  of 
someplace  of  religious  worship,  when  they  enter 
ed  the  city  during  the  late  war,  that  as  I  was  assured 
by  Dr.  T ,  the  gallant  Cockburn  actually  de 
layed  setting  fire  to  the  President's  house  a  whole 
hour,  to  afford  them  a  decent  place  to  say  their 
prayers.  The  Doctor  solemnly  declared  to  me, 
it  was  the  most  edifying  sight  he  ever  witnessed, 
and  that  he  looked  upon  the  gallant  Cockburn  as 
one  of  the  genuine  representatives  of  the  pious 
crusaders  of  yore,  for  he  never  went  on  a  burning 
or  plundering  expedition  without  saying  his  pray 
ers  beforehand. 

On  Sunday  morning  (as  it  was,  for  the  reason 
before  stated,  impossible  for  me  to  attend  church,} 
it  being  excessively  hot,  I  took  my  umbrella,  and 
strolled  out  into  the  solitudes  of  this  immense  city. 
I  had  not  proceeded  far,  when  I  was  assailed  by  a 
mob  of  some  two  or  three  hundred  negroes  and 
boys,  who  began  pelting  me  with  various  unseem 
ly  missiles.  Not  knowing  what  offence  I  had 
committed,  I  was  in  considerable  perplexity,  when 
a  sober  respectable  person  came  up  and  explained 
the  whole  matter.  "  It  is  the  custom  here/'  said 
he,  ft  where  but  few  persons  enjoy  the  luxury  of 
hats,  to  put  them  on  the  top  of  their  umbrellas  in 
stead  of  their  heads,  in  order  to  make  them  the 
more  conspicuous.  Your  omitting  to  do  this,  has 
caused  a  suspicion  of  your  being  an  Englishman, 


316  JOHN  BULi  IN  AMERICA. 

and  that  you  have  not  already  lost  both  eyes,  a 
piece  of  your  nose,  and  been  roasted  at  a  log  fire, 
is  a  great  piece  of  good  luck."  By  his  advice,  I 
immediately  did  homage  to  the  genius  of  democra 
cy,  by  placing  my  hat  on  the  top  of  my  umbrella, 
and  hoisting  both  over  my  head.  This  appeased 
the  mob,  who  gave  three  cheers,  under  cover  of 
which  I  retreated,  accompanied  by  the  stranger, 
who  I  at  first  took  it  for  granted,  had  a  design  to 
rob  me,  if  not  something  worse. 

Upon  further  intercourse  and  examination,  how 
ever,  I  had  a  shrewd  suspicion  of  his  being  one  of 
my  own  countrymen.  He  was  a  stout,  square 
built  man,  with  a  broad  ruddy  face,  redolent  of 
small  beer;  all  which  appearances  were  in  perfect 
contrast  with  the  rawboned,  cadaverous  figures  of 
the  natives.  Instead  of  the  light  loose  pantaloons, 
short  gingham  coats,  and  detestable  straw  hats, 
which  constitute  the  summer  dress  of  the  Yankee 
gentlemen,  he  wore  a  frock  of  genuine  British 
broadcloth,  a  pair  of  corderoy  breeches,  and  woollen 
stockings,  all  which  gave  him  a  respectable  and  re 
sponsible  appearance,  although  rather  warm  for  the 
season.  These  peculiarities,  together  with  a  certain 
politeness  of  manner,  and  purity  of  language,  almost, 
persuaded  me  that  he  was  a  true  Englishman,  and 
presently  afterwards  seeing  him  wipe  his  nose  on 
the  sleeve  of  his  coat,  1  became  satisfied  my  con 
jectures  were  well  founded.  We  soon  became  so 
ciable,  and  continued  our  walk  together  some 
time.  I  found  him,  like  all  the  Englishmen  I 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  217 

have  met  with  here,  out  of  humour  and  discon 
tented  with  every  thing,  the  people,  the  country, 
the  government,  the  air,  the  water,  and  most  es 
pecially,  the  system  of  farming,  and  the  obstinate 
ignorance  of  the  American  farmers. 

"  I  brought  with  me  to  this  country,"  said  he, 
"rising  of  two  thousand  guineas,  with  part  of 
which  I  bought  a  farm  in  Pennsylvania.  Being 
determined  to  show  them  something  in  the  way  of 
farming,  which  they  never  saw  before,  for  the 
honour  of  Old  England,  I  sent  home  for  iron 
ploughs,  iron  harrows,  iron  rakes,  in  short  I  had 
every  thing  of  iron,  even  to  my  hog-trough.  I 
also  imported  an  English  bull,  English  cows,  En 
glish  sheep,  English  hogs,  an  English  dairy-wo 
man,  an  English  ploughman,  English  ploughs, 
and  all  sorts  of  English  farming  instruments.  All 
this  cost  me  a  great  deal  of  money — but  I  was  de 
termined  to  show  the  Yankee  farmers  something 
for  the  honour  of  Old  England. 

"  As  I  expected  huge  crops  owing  to  my  im 
proved  system  of  English  farming,  I  built  large 
barns  for  my  wheat  and  hay,  large  stables  for  my 
horses,  oxen,  cows,  sheep,  and  other  stock,  for 
I  was  determined  they  should  be  well  lodged.  I 
spent  a  vast  deal  in  hedging,  ditching,  and  other 
improvements,  the  labour  of  which  was  rather  ex 
pensive,  and  made  another  great  hole  in  my  gui 
neas.  However,  I  was  resolved  to  show  these 
bumpkins  something  in  the  way  of  farming,  for 
the  honour  of  Old  England. 
19 


218  JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA. 

fe  I  was  so  much  taken  up  with  these  preparatory 
arrangements,  that  the  season  passed  away  before  I 
had  time  to  put  in  my  crops,  so  that  I  was  under 
the  necessity  of  purchasing  food  and  fodder  for  my 
self,  and  my  English  stock,  which  made  another 
hole  in  my  guineas.  However,  the  spring  came 
on,  and  I  set  to  work,  to  show  the  Yankees  some 
thing  in  the  way  of  farming  for  the  honour  of  Old 
England.  My  bull  had  been  stuffed  and  curry- 
combed  till  he  had  grown  a  perfect  monster,  so  that 
when  I  turned  him  into  the  field,  the  neighbours 
came  from  ten  miles  round  to  see  him.  An  old 
quaker,  whose  farm  joined  mine,  said  to  me, 
1  Friend,  I  fear  our  earth  is  not  strong  enough  for 
thy  bull,'  but  I  paid  no  attention  to  his  slang. 

"  Being  perfectly  satisfied,  from  the  analysis  of 
Sir  Humphrey  Davy,  that  wheat,  rye,  corn,  and 
the  other  grains  cultivated  in  this  country,  con 
tained  little  or  no  nourishment,  compared  with 
other  products,  I  determined  to  put  my  whole 
force  upon  a  field  of  four  acres,  which  I  devoted 
to  the  cultivation  of  rut  a  bagfi.  With  my  iron 
plough,  my  iron  harrow,  and  rny  English  plough 
man,  assisted  by  two  Yankee  labourers,  in  the 
course  of  two  months,  I  put  my  four  acres  into 
such  order  as  had  never  been  seen  before.  It  was 
a  perfect  garden,  the  rows  were  as  straight  as 
arrows,  and  there  was  not  a  clod  of  earth  above 
ground  as  large  as  an  egg  to  be  seen.  Every 
'body  came  to  admire,  but  as  yet  nobody  imitated 
me, — such  is  the  ignorant  and  insolent  obstinacy 


JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA.  219 

of  the  Yankee  farmers.  "  Friend,"  said  my  neigh 
bour,  the  old  quaker — "  friend  Shortridge,  what 
art  thou  going  to  put  in  thy  field  here  ?" 

"  Ruta  baga," 

"  Ruta  baga! — what  is  that,  friend  John?" 

"  Turnips,"  replied  I. 

"Well,  why  didn't  thee  call  them  so  at  first? 
If  thou  talkest  Latin  here,  nobody  will  understand 
thee,  friend  John.  But  what  art  thou  going  to  do 
with  thy  turnips?" 

"  I  shall  feed  my  cattle,  sheep,  and  hogs  with 
some,  and  sell  the  rest  to  my  neighbours." 

"  But  thy  neighbours  will  raise  their  own  tur 
nips,  and  will  not  buy." 

"  Then  I  will  send  them  to  market." 

"  What,  sixty  miles  over  a  turnpike  ?  That  will 
be  a  bad  speculation,  friend  John.  Thee  had  best 
put  in  a  few  acres  of  wheat  and  corn,  they  will 
pay  the  expense  of  taking  to  market.  Thy  turnips 
will  cost  more  than  they  will  come  to." 

•  "  Not  I  indeed,  friend  Underbill,"  said  I.  "  Sir 
Humphrey  Davy  says  there  is  little  or  no  nourish 
ment  in  wheat  and  corn." 

"  No  !"  quoth  the  old  quaker,  with  a  sly  glance 
at  his  round  portly  figure;  "I  have  lived  upon 
them  all  my  life,  and  never  made  the  discovery, 
friend  John." 

"  My  ruta  baga  flourished  to  the  admiration  of 
the  whole  neighbourhood,  and  when  I  came  to 
gather  my  crop  in  the  fall,  there  was  a  heap  as  high 
as  a  hay-stack.  Some  of  them  measured  eighteen 


220  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA. 

inches  in  diameter.  I  was  as  proud  as  a  peacock, 
for  I  had  now  done  something  for  the  honour  of 
Old  England.  I  determined  to  give  my  cattle, 
sheep,  and  hogs  a  great  feast,  and  invited  my  good 
neighbour,  the  quaker,  to  see  how  they  would  eat 
ruta  baga.  A  quantity  was  nicely  cut  up  and 
thrown  to  them  one  morning,  but  to  my  astonish 
ment  and  mortification,  not  one  would  touch  a 
morsel.  Whether  it  was  that  they  had  become 
spoiled  by  a  fine  season  of  grass,  or  by  evil  com 
munication  with  the  republican  cattle,  I  cannot 
tell ;  but  the  bull  turned  up  his  nose— the  cows 
turned  their  backs,  and  so  did  the  sheep,  while  the 
pigs  ran  away  screaming  mightily.  '  Thee  should 
set  them  to  reading  Sir  Humphey  Davy,  friend 
John,'  quoth  my  neighbour — <  they  havVt  learn 
ing  enough  to  relish  thy  Latin  turnips.' 

"  The  autumn  was  now  come,  and  there  was  a 
long  winter  before  me,  for  which,  I  confess,  I  was 
but  illy  provided.  Relying  on  my  ruta  baga,  I 
had  neglected  my  grass,  or  rather  had  pastured  -it 
the  whole  season,  depending  on  my  turnips,  as  I 
said  before,  for  winter  food  for  my  stock  I  sent 
a  load  of  them  to  market,  but  the  tolls  and  other 
expenses  swallowed  up  the  price  of  the  whole,  and 
brought  me  a  little  in  debt.  I  then  offered  to  ex 
change  ruta  baga  with  my  neighbours  for  hay  and 
other  products,  but  they  shook  their  heads  and  de 
clined  to  a  man. 

"  On  the  back  of  this  came  the  loss  of  my  fa 
mous  bull,  who  one  night  got  into  a  piece  of  low 
ground,  where  he  sunk  in,  and  perished  before 


JOHN  BFLL  IN  AMERICA.  221 

morning.  < I  am  sorry  for  thy  loss  friend  John/ 
said  the  old  quaker,  '  but  I  told  thee  our  earth  was 
not  strong  enough  for  a  beast  with  such  little  short 
legs,  and  such  a  huge  body/  To  mend  the  mat 
ter,  my  plump,  rosy-faced  English  dairy-maid 
got  married  to  a  young  fellow  of  the  neighbour 
hood,  whose  father  was  a  rich  farmer,  and  my  im 
ported  ploughman  being  told  that  a  dram  in  the 
morning  was  good  for  keeping  off  the  ague  and 
fever,  seemed  to  think  he  couldn't  have  too  much 
of  a  good  thing,  and  was  fuddled  from  morning 
till  night. 

"Winter  came  on,  and  a  terrible  long  hard  win 
ter  was  it.  For  some  time  I  purchased  what  I 
wanted  for  my  family  and  stock  of  the  neighbours, 
but  the  spring  turning  out  very  backward,  and  the 
frost  continuing  till  late  in  April,  all  kinds  of  food 
for  cattle  and  stock  became  so  scarce  that  there 
was  none  to  be  had  for  love  or  money.  As  a  last 
resort,  I  resolved  again  to  try  the  ruta  bag;a.  Ac 
cordingly,  after  preparing  my  cattle  and  pigs  by  a 
long  fast,  I  offered  some  to  their  acceptance.  It  was 
Hopson's  choice,  and  they  nibbled  a  little,  making 
divers  wry  faces  withal.  By  degrees  they  took 
to  it  more  kindly  and  ate  freely.  But  somehow 
or  other,  so  far  from  thriving  or  growing  fat  upon 
this  fare, they  dwindled  away,  so  that  many  ot'them 
gave  up  the  ghost,  and  those  that  were  turned  to 
pasture  in  the  spring,  looked  like  skeletons.  The 
old  quaker  came  to  look  at  them  one  day.  '  Thy 
cattle  are  rather  lean,  friend  John,'  said  he,  '  but 


22,2  JOHN   BULL    IN   AMERICA. 

there  is  one  comfort,  they  will  not  sink  into  the 
marshes  and  perish,  like  the  fat  Teesw&ter  bull.' 

"  Thus  ended  my  first  season  of  farming.  It 
had  not  realized  my  expectations  to  be  sure,  but 
had  now  grown  somewhat  wiser  by  experience, 
and  was  resolved  this  year  to  do  something  hand 
some  for  the  honour  of  Old  England.  About  this 
time  my  brother,  a  captial  Norfolk  farmer,  wrote 
me  word  Sir  Humphrey  Davy  had  just  announced 
to  the  world  an  analysis  of  carrots,  by  which  it  ap 
peared  they  contained  a  greater  quantity  of  saccha 
rine  matter  than  any  other  common  vegetable,  and 
consequently  more  nourishment.  Seizing  this  hint, 
I  turned  my  attention  immediately  to  the  cultiva 
tion  of  carrots,  being  resolved  to  reap  the  benefit 
at  once,  before  any  body  else  entered  into  compe 
tition.  I  selected  a  field  of  sixteen  acres,  which 
I  employed  six  labourers  to  prepare  and  cultivate 
under  my  direction.  '  John,'  said  the  old  quaker, 
'  what  art  thou  about  this  season  ?  Art  thou  in  love 
with  thy  Latin  turnips  still  ?J 

"  Pshaw  !J'  replied  I,  "  carrots  have  twice  as 
much  saccharine  matter.  I  am  going  to  cultivate 
carrots  ' 

"  Friend  John,  thou  wilt  never  prosper  till  thou 
callest  things  by  their  honest  Christian  names.  But 
what  dost  thou  expect  to  do  with  thy  sixteen  acres 
of  carrots?7' 

"  I  shall  feed  my  cattle  with  part,  and  send  the 
rest  to  market." 


JOHN    BULL   IN    AMERICA,  223 

"  Ah  !  John,  John,"  exclaimed  the  old  quaker, 
"  remember  thy  turnips  with  the  Latin  name." 

"  My  crop  of  carrots  was  amazing.  I  had  such 
a  quantity  I  did  not  know  what  to  do  with  them, 
for  my  neighbours  had  enough  of  their  own,  and 
they  were  not  worth  taking  to  market.  My 
cattle,  to  be  sure,  having  little  else,  sometimes 
tried  to  eat  them,  but  they  some  how  or  other, 
didn't  thrive,  and  besides  this,  I  and  my  family 
could  not  live  upon  carrots.  This  winter,  there 
fore,  I  was  again  obliged  to  buy  almost  every 
thing  I  wanted,  and  the  remainder  of  my  guineas 
all  vanished.  Not  only  this,  but  I  was  compelled 
to  take  up  money  from  the  old  quaker  to  a  consi 
derable  amount,  to  buy  stock  to  replace  several  of 
my  horses,  cows,  and  sheep,  that  died  during  the 
winter  ;  for  some  how  or  other  the  saccharine 
matter  of  the  carrots  did  not  seem  to  agree  with 
them.  Every  time  I  went  to  the  quaker  to  bor 
row  money,  he  would  say,  after  letting  me  have 
it, — '  Friend  John,  thee  hadst  better  plant  corn 
and  sow  wheat  and  rye,  as  we  do,  though  they 
don't  contain  quite  so  much  of  the  saccharine  mat 
ter.'  My  reply  usually  was — *  Friend  Underbill, 
thy  money  is  better  than  thy  advice.  I  didn't 
come  all  the  way  from  Old  England,  to  learn  farm 
ing  of  you  Yankees.'- 

"  But,  although  I  put  in  practice  regularly  the 
most  approved  methods,  recommended  by  Arthur 
Young,  and  other  great  English  farmers,  and  adopt- 


224  JOHN    BULL    IK    AMERICA. 

ed  every  improvement*!  saw  published  by  the 
English  agricultural  societies,  I  regularly  went  be 
hindhand  every  year,  and  was  obliged  to  borrow 
money,  every  now  and  then,  of  the  old  quaker, 
who  never  failed  to  repeat  his  advice,  which  I  al 
ways  treated  in  the  same  manner.  Whoever  heard 
of  a  thorough-bred  English  farmer,  demeaning 
himself  by  imitating  these  ignorant  Yankees? 

l(  I  had  forgot  to  mention,  among  other  instan 
ces  of  the  obstinacy  with  which  these  republicans 
adhere  to  their  barbarous  notions,  that  they  resist 
ed  all  my  persuasions  to  adopt  the  wholesome 
English  custom  of  wearing  woollen  garments  du 
ring  the  summer.  They  stuck  to  their  straw  hats 
and  linen  shirts  and  trowsers,  and  laughed  at  my 
corderoy  breeches  and  woollen  stockings,  though 
I  proved  to  them  they  were  much  the  most  heal 
thy  and  comfortable.  To  be  sure  I  used  to  per 
spire  a  little  in  the  dog-days ;  but  what  of  that  ?  I 
was  resolved  not  to  sacrifice  the  honour  of  Old 
England  to  the  ignorance  of  these  raw  republicans. 
The  old  quaker  came  to  me  one  day,  when  the 
thermometer  was  at  ninety,  and  said  in  his  sly 
Way — (  Friend  John,  if  thee  is  cold,  I  will  lend 
thee  my  great  coat,  for  verily  it  is  a  bitter  day, 
for  the  season.'  I  took  no  notice  of  what  he  said, 
for  though  I  really  did  feel  a  little  uncomfortable, 
it  would  have  been  too  great  a  triumph  to  these 
people,  to  see  me  adopting  any  of  their  notions. 

"At  the  end  of  three  years  I  went  one  day  to  the 
old  quaker  to  take  up  some  more  money.   '  Friend 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  225 

John,'  said  he,  <  hast  thou  ever  read  in  Sir  Hum 
phrey  Davy,  or  any  of  thine  oracles,  that  borrow 
ing  day  is  always  sooner  or  later  followed  by  pay 
day  ?  Thou  hast  been  borrowing  for  the  last  three 
years,  without  paying  either  principal  or  interest. 
I  cannot  advance  thee  any  more,  for  thy  farm  will 
scarcely  sell  for  what  will  pay  the  debt  thou  alrea 
dy  owest  me/  This  was  a  thing  that  had  not  struck 
me  before,  as  I  had  never  read  of  it  either  in  Ar 
thur  Young  or  any  other  approved  agriculturist.  As 
it  was  known  all  over  the  neighbourhood,  that 
my  farm  was  mortgaged  for  its  full  value  to  the 
quaker,  my  credit  was  now  gone,  and,  in  order  to 
raise  money  for  the  supply  of  my  increasing  wants, 
I  began  to  cut  down  the  trees,  and  sell  the  timber, 
to  the  wheelwrights  and  others. 

"  Hearing  of  this,  the  old  quaker  came  to  me 
and  said  : — '  Friend  John,  if  thou  goest  on  in  this 
way,  thy  farm  will,  by-and-by,  be  without  wood, 
and  will  not  sell  for  wherewithal  to  pay  my  mort 
gages.  For  thy  sake,  as  well  as  mine,  I  shall  fore 
close.'  He  did  so;  my  farm  was  sold  at  public 
sale  by  the  sheriff,  and  bought  in  by  the  old  qua 
ker  to  save  himself  from  loss.  When  I  was  on  the 
point  of  quitting  the  neighbourhood,  he  came  to 
me  and  said  :  '  Friend  John,  thou  art  going  away 
among  strangers  without  money.  Here  is  fifty 
dollars  to  begin  the  world  again,  which  thou  wilt 
pay  me  when  thou  art  able,  and  I  will  give  thee  a 
little  advice  that  will,  if  thou  takest  it,  be  worth 
ten  times  as  much.  It  is,  to  remember  whenever 


226  JOHN   BULL  IN    AMERICA. 

thou  comest  into  a  strange  country,  there  is  al 
ways  something  to  learn,  as  well  as  to  teach.  The 
same  shoe  will  not  fit  every  body's  foot,  neither 
will  the  same  mode  of  farming  suit  every  country. 
The  best  farmer  is  not  he  that  raises  the  greatest 
crops,  but  he  that  raises  them  at  the  least  expense. 
In  thy  country  land  is  dear  and  labour  cheap — in 
ours,  labour  is  dear  and  land  cheap.  This  must 
needs  make  a  difference  in  the  quantity  of  labour 
which  it  is  profitable  to  put  on  thy  land,  so  that 
the  product  will  pay  for  thy  labour.  Moreover,  thy 
big  bull  with  the  little  short  legs,  and  thy  big  fat 
sheep  and  cows,  that  can  scarcely  waddle  along, 
will  do  for  the  smooth  lawns,  close  shaven  hills, 
and  cool  skies  of  thy  country,  but  they  will  not 
stand  our  hot  summers,  our  swampy  low  grounds, 
und  our  rough  rocky  mountains.  Moreover,  I  do 
most  specially  recommend  thee  to  eschew  turnips 
with  Latin  names  ; — to  plant  corn  and  potatoes, 
sow  wheat  and  rye,  like  thy  neighbours,  and,  above 
all,  abjure  Sir  Humphrey  Davy  and  his  saccharine 
matter.  Farewell,  friend  John,  I  wish  thee  bet 
ter  success  another  time.' ' 

I  have  given  this  story  as  nearly  as  possible  for 
the  purpose  of  exhibiting  at  full  length  a  warning 
example  to  our  English  farmers  at  home,  who  may 
be  about  to  emigrate  to  this  country.  In  order  to 
succeed,  they  must,  in  the  first  place,  accommo 
date  themselves  to  situation  and  circumstances, 
which  is  contrary  to  the  independent  nature  and 
feelings  of  a  true-born  Englishman.  Instead  of 


JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA.  227 

the  soil,  climate,  products,  and  season  accommo 
dating  thdhiselves  to  their  mode  of  farming,  as 
they  ought  to  do,  considering  its  immense  superi 
ority,  our  farmers,  forsooth,  must  pay  homage  to 
the  genius  of  democracy,  and  degrade  themselves 
by  stooping  to  learn  wheie  they  came  to  teach. 
They  must  consent  to  grow  articles  that  will  pay 
for  carrying  to  market,  although  they  don't  con 
tain  half  the  quantity  of  saccharine  matter  which 
others  do — they  must  plant  corn  and  wheat,  in 
stead  of  carrots  and  ruta  baga — they  must  unlearn 
their  own  knowledge,  and  adopt  the  ignorace  of 
others — they  must  even  consult  the  wayward  ap 
petites  of  their  imported  cattle  and  pigs,  who  seem 
actually  to  become  sophisticated,  by  breathing  the 
air  of  democracy,  and  occasionally  smelling  to  the 
Yankee  cattle  over  a  stone  wall. 

After  spending  the  whole  morning  together; 
strolling  along  the  shady  river,  we  returned  to  din 
ner.  The  dny  was  so  excessively  hot,  that  I  al 
most  caught  myself  envying  the  Yankees  their 
straw  hats,  gingham  short  coats,  and  linen  panta 
loons.  My  poor  friend  in  the  woollen  stockings, 
panted  like  a  tired  mastiff,  and  perspired  like  an 
ox  ;  but  still  there  was  something  very  respectable 
in  his  blue  broadcloth  frock,  striped  swansdown 
waistcoat,  cordery  breeches,  and  gray  woollen 
hose.  I  forgot  to  mention  that  this  deluded,  though 
worthy  man.  had  come  to  Washington  for  the  pur 
pose  of  petitioning  the  congress  to  establish  a  farm 
at-  the  public  expense,  and  under  his  special  direc- 


228  JOHN    BULL    IN    AMERICA, 

tion,  in  the  view  of  giving  a  practical  illustration 
of  the  benefits  of  a  system  of  farming  adapted  to 
an  old  country,  when  applied  to  a  new  one.  But 
his  proposal  was  treated  with  the  most  stupid  in 
difference,  by  the  arrogant,  self-sufficient,  bund 
ling,  gouging,  guessing,  drinking,  dirking,  spit 
ting,  chewing,  pig  stealing,  impious  genius  of  de 
mocracy,  as  the  Quarterly  says.  *  *  * 


THE    EIs~n. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 
•  BERKELEY 


Return  to  desk  from  which  borrowed. 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


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T;Q  ID 

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"T5 


REC.CIR   DEC  26 '84 


HOT  2372 


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7  1 


9  197! 


KC.CIR.      MAR  278 


LD  21-100m-7,'52(A2528sl6)476 


